Fatigued Fiancé

VarunaTT

Look, you're the adult.  And for all of your OP, and some more of the following posts, you trash talked a 12 year old.  YOU'RE.  THE.  ADULT.  Adult up and stop trying to validate your bad behavior.  

You also trash talked your FI.

You don't get to control other people's thoughts, feelings, or actions just b/c they're not how you like or how you would do it.  Families are about compromise, on all sorts of levels.

You know, I don't really expect step parents to feel exactly the same way.  I DO expect step parents to know WTF they're stepping into when they date/get serious with/marry people with kids.  And that's what's gross here.  You knew he had a kid and you still elevate your shared children over the one he already has.  That's what's not right, that's what's not fair, and that's why you're wrong.  HE needs to treat them all equally and so do you.

knottieff6955ffbdf81f61

Update: thx for everyone who has been helpful and supportive during this discussion. This is a hard topic to talk about and it’s easy to judge without being in the situation personally. I have now started counseling with the hopes of bettering my family and myself and I’m nothing but excited for what the future might bring

Ro041

I have read the entire discussion and I want to add one thing that maybe wasn't touched on in the replies - you mentioned that you may not be sure of your role since both her mom and dad are still in her life.  I just want to say that no kid, ever, in the history of the world, was disadvantaged by having more than 2 strong, loving, and supportive parental figures in their lives.  They may come with different titles - aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, and even step-parent.  

I encourage you to try to find ways to be one of those people.

MyNameIsNot

charlotte989875 said:

climbingwife said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I can't get over having kids with a guy who's parenting philosophy is so absolutely different than your own. 

You meet a guy who has (in your opinion) an unruly daughter. Clearly, she was raised without the level of discipline that you think is appropriate. So you have more children with him, without ever working any of this out. WTF?

This is where I am as well. My H and I don't have kids (and will remain child free), and even we discussed what our parenting philosophies would be if we did decide to have kids. 

It sounds like you have a lot of animosity towards his child. I think if anyone needs counseling, it's you. 

I mean, it sounds like they have a shared philosophy on the kids they have together, but not with the SD.

Which is definitely a problem but also not that uncommon, no? Blending families is tough work. 

It sounds like he defers to her wishes on their children together. Not a shared philosophy. 

I'm not saying blending families is easy, at all. I just can't imagine meeting my BF's daughter, disliking things about how she is being raised, and then having kids with this guy without ever addressing the concerns I had with the existing child's rearing.