Wedding Woes

Fatigued Fiancé

2

Re: Fatigued Fiancé

  • Dude it's the hardest f'n thing i've ever done lol
  • again, no animosity towards the girl. i have animosity towards her behaviors and my inability to correct them as the stepmom with no authority
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
     I definitely am gonna go! For one I love counseling lol if nothing else it give me another adult to vent to. And she has been through a lot yes. We use to be really close before I moved in and became pregnant with our first son. But i wouldnt say shes "acting out" per se. I think shes acting like any normal kid without reigns. 
    Read carefully. I said hes a wonderful father because he is a wonderful father. And we agree wholeheartedly on how we are raising our two younger kids. The problem is the oldest child was not raised the same way and THATS what i have a problem with (and again my fiance agrees he failed in that regard and is now having emotional blocks to doing so now)
    I dont understand why no one is reading anything im saying lol our philosophy is not different. he said he kinda gave in with raising her in certain aspects because he was a single dad for most of her life and was focused more on just providing for her basic needs which is not the best but understandable
    Thank you. I honestly feel like you're the only one who truly understood where I'm coming from. I don't hate the girl. In fact I care about her enough to not want her to grow up thinking things are owed to her and ppl should cater to her every whim. I do have to continue to be cautious as not to take it out on her, right now when i get upset i tend just to isolate myself which i know isn't the greatest thing to do, but im not sure how else to handle it. And i often don't want to talk to my FI about it because hes in such a tough position and i don't want him to feel like hes choosing sides. 
    JIC
  • It is ABSOLUTELY my way or the highway hahaha it's my house, my rules and thats the standard i hold for ALL my kids, not just her. And I know 12 year olds act this way and i accept that. What i don't accept is the fact that I can't correct it and i as a result feel like a prisoner in my own home because of a kid i can't control
  • OMG im not a monster. I would NEVER say that to a child's face!
  • You're right. I perhaps should loosen up a bit lol I'm sry im very type A and grew up in a military home so i adhere to certain standards and expect my family to do so as well, but she's not in any way use to that so it could be daunting. I love the fact that i came into her life when i did though. I agree shes not done learning or growing and needs guidance, i just want to be able to give it to her and bless his heart, my dear fiance, needs to learn how to discipline her just as he disciplines our kids
  • I would love to discipline her, however my fiance told me to just let him handle it because he doesnt want her to resent me (which again, ridiculous) so thats what ive been doing. And i kinda disagree about your second to last statement. I care about her as i would any member of my family (which more than the average stranger lol) however its a ridiculous notion that i should be expected to love her like my kids (im sry if im assuming thats what youre implying) as i simply cannot and thats ok. What i will do though is go through hell or high water to fight for her to have a good life just as i would for my own kids. And youre are right about the latter. He really is trying to find a way to work through this and we talk often about it. i think the next step for us is definitely counseling
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Use the quote button, not the reply.  We can't tell who you are talking to.
    ei34
  • Use the quote button, not the reply.  We can't tell who you are talking to.
    Oh geez sry!
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is ABSOLUTELY my way or the highway hahaha it's my house, my rules and thats the standard i hold for ALL my kids, not just her. And I know 12 year olds act this way and i accept that. What i don't accept is the fact that I can't correct it and i as a result feel like a prisoner in my own home because of a kid i can't control
    OMG im not a monster. I would NEVER say that to a child's face!
    You're right. I perhaps should loosen up a bit lol I'm sry im very type A and grew up in a military home so i adhere to certain standards and expect my family to do so as well, but she's not in any way use to that so it could be daunting. I love the fact that i came into her life when i did though. I agree shes not done learning or growing and needs guidance, i just want to be able to give it to her and bless his heart, my dear fiance, needs to learn how to discipline her just as he disciplines our kids
    I would love to discipline her, however my fiance told me to just let him handle it because he doesnt want her to resent me (which again, ridiculous) so thats what ive been doing. And i kinda disagree about your second to last statement. I care about her as i would any member of my family (which more than the average stranger lol) however its a ridiculous notion that i should be expected to love her like my kids (im sry if im assuming thats what youre implying) as i simply cannot and thats ok. What i will do though is go through hell or high water to fight for her to have a good life just as i would for my own kids. And youre are right about the latter. He really is trying to find a way to work through this and we talk often about it. i think the next step for us is definitely counseling
    JIC


    image
  • I would love to discipline her, however my fiance told me to just let him handle it because he doesnt want her to resent me (which again, ridiculous) so thats what ive been doing. And i kinda disagree about your second to last statement. I care about her as i would any member of my family (which more than the average stranger lol) however its a ridiculous notion that i should be expected to love her like my kids (im sry if im assuming thats what youre implying) as i simply cannot and thats ok. What i will do though is go through hell or high water to fight for her to have a good life just as i would for my own kids. And youre are right about the latter. He really is trying to find a way to work through this and we talk often about it. i think the next step for us is definitely counseling
    Ouch. The baseline for caring for your stepdaughter shouldn’t be that you care for her more than a stranger. You say that you don’t and cannot love her like she’s your own child. Is there a chance she is picking up on that when she’s in your home? I know many step-parents, or adopted parents who do love their kids as much and equally as any biological children they have. It s absolutely possible for people to do. Maybe spend some time thinking about why you think it’s not possible with your SD? 

    Like I said before I get that this is super hard but there may be things you can do with your own actions to alleviate the tension. Can you lower your standards a bit? Can you not pick up after her and then have a conversation with your husband about it. If he’s not willing to discipline her then maybe he should clean up. 

    The fact that you cant discipline her definitely sounds like a big source of the frustration, but again that frustration should be at your FI, not your SD. You two need to work out what the rules are for all the children in your home and apply them equally (whoever is doing the applying of the rules). 
    ei34OliveOilsMom
  • You're right. I perhaps should loosen up a bit lol I'm sry im very type A and grew up in a military home so i adhere to certain standards and expect my family to do so as well, but she's not in any way use to that so it could be daunting. I love the fact that i came into her life when i did though. I agree shes not done learning or growing and needs guidance, i just want to be able to give it to her and bless his heart, my dear fiance, needs to learn how to discipline her just as he disciplines our kids
    Well, from her point of view you’re just a woman who moved in with her dad, got herself pregnant, and now is focused on her own kids. Idk why you’re presenting yourself as some shining light here. You’re focused on discipline and correction but what about stability and respect and rewards and positive reinforcement? 
    MyNameIsNotnightnerd
  • I would love to discipline her, however my fiance told me to just let him handle it because he doesnt want her to resent me (which again, ridiculous) so thats what ive been doing. And i kinda disagree about your second to last statement. I care about her as i would any member of my family (which more than the average stranger lol) however its a ridiculous notion that i should be expected to love her like my kids (im sry if im assuming thats what youre implying) as i simply cannot and thats ok. What i will do though is go through hell or high water to fight for her to have a good life just as i would for my own kids. And youre are right about the latter. He really is trying to find a way to work through this and we talk often about it. i think the next step for us is definitely counseling
    If you don’t love her, then don’t move into her life and try to parent her. 
  • Anyone remember the poster who had a similar "I kind of am ok with my step-child, but how can you expect me to actually love them like my own child?" vibe? It was just so sad, no wonder this kid is acting out, she can sense what vibe OP is putting out, even if the words themselves aren't said outloud.
    VarunaTTMyNameIsNotOliveOilsMom
  • I would love to discipline her, however my fiance told me to just let him handle it because he doesnt want her to resent me (which again, ridiculous) so thats what ive been doing. And i kinda disagree about your second to last statement. I care about her as i would any member of my family (which more than the average stranger lol) however its a ridiculous notion that i should be expected to love her like my kids (im sry if im assuming thats what youre implying) as i simply cannot and thats ok. What i will do though is go through hell or high water to fight for her to have a good life just as i would for my own kids. And youre are right about the latter. He really is trying to find a way to work through this and we talk often about it. i think the next step for us is definitely counseling
    Ouch. The baseline for caring for your stepdaughter shouldn’t be that you care for her more than a stranger. You say that you don’t and cannot love her like she’s your own child. Is there a chance she is picking up on that when she’s in your home? I know many step-parents, or adopted parents who do love their kids as much and equally as any biological children they have. It s absolutely possible for people to do. Maybe spend some time thinking about why you think it’s not possible with your SD? 

    Like I said before I get that this is super hard but there may be things you can do with your own actions to alleviate the tension. Can you lower your standards a bit? Can you not pick up after her and then have a conversation with your husband about it. If he’s not willing to discipline her then maybe he should clean up. 

    The fact that you cant discipline her definitely sounds like a big source of the frustration, but again that frustration should be at your FI, not your SD. You two need to work out what the rules are for all the children in your home and apply them equally (whoever is doing the applying of the rules). 
    I’m not sure why you’re saying that like it’s a bad thing lol I feel towards her the same way I feel about anyone in my family biologically related or not (grantee my family isn’t touchy freely close but still). It’s certainly possible she’s picking up on that. I feel like I work extra hard at not rubbing that in her face and assumed (maybe wrongly) that she doesn’t care too much about having anything more than a “friendship” with me as both her mom and dad are still very much in her life. Those are all great suggestions and I’m definitely working hard at trying to lower standards, it may take a minute though lol 
  • You're right. I perhaps should loosen up a bit lol I'm sry im very type A and grew up in a military home so i adhere to certain standards and expect my family to do so as well, but she's not in any way use to that so it could be daunting. I love the fact that i came into her life when i did though. I agree shes not done learning or growing and needs guidance, i just want to be able to give it to her and bless his heart, my dear fiance, needs to learn how to discipline her just as he disciplines our kids
    Well, from her point of view you’re just a woman who moved in with her dad, got herself pregnant, and now is focused on her own kids. Idk why you’re presenting yourself as some shining light here. You’re focused on discipline and correction but what about stability and respect and rewards and positive reinforcement? 
    She could very well look at me like that and she’d be correct minus the latter part. I in no way focus ONLY on my kids. She is a member of this family and as such I go out of my way to make sure she’s also well taken care for so please stop accusing me of being negligent. I see when she needs clothes and takes her to get what she needs, I talk to her teachers etc to make sure she’s doing well in school, stand up for her (as much as she’ll allow me you), spend nights making separate meals for her ever since she decided to be vegetarian, advocate for her to get an allowance, etc. I’m not a shining light, I’m just telling u facts. Her parents don’t discipline her and her father didn’t until I came into the picture. Discipline along with allll of that other stuff u mentioned (which we also provided) is needed in a child’s life lest they grow into a horrible adult. Your characterization of me is grossly incorrect.
  • VarunaTT said:
    I am very sure that his daughter is well aware you don't love her like you love the others.

    Image result for dumpster fire gif
    Again, I stand by the fact that it’s completely unfair to expect me or any stepmom for that matter to be expected to feel the same towards their stepkids as they do their biological kids. It’s great some stepmoms can but most are NOT built that way.
  • Anyone remember the poster who had a similar "I kind of am ok with my step-child, but how can you expect me to actually love them like my own child?" vibe? It was just so sad, no wonder this kid is acting out, she can sense what vibe OP is putting out, even if the words themselves aren't said outloud.
    Lol yea ok. And again, she’s not “acting out” she’s acts like a normal kid when theyre not given structure
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    VarunaTT said:
    I am very sure that his daughter is well aware you don't love her like you love the others.

    Image result for dumpster fire gif
    Again, I stand by the fact that it’s completely unfair to expect me or any stepmom for that matter to be expected to feel the same towards their stepkids as they do their biological kids. It’s great some stepmoms can but most are NOT built that way.

    STUCK - 

    Well, then, it's completely unfair for you to insert yourself into her life, then. If you're so willing to let people on the internet know you don't love her, then I'm sure she picks up on it as well and that's awful. She is a child. Ugh I feel horrible for her. 



     knottieff6955ffbdf81f61 said:
    Anyone remember the poster who had a similar "I kind of am ok with my step-child, but how can you expect me to actually love them like my own child?" vibe? It was just so sad, no wonder this kid is acting out, she can sense what vibe OP is putting out, even if the words themselves aren't said outloud.
    Lol yea ok. And again, she’s not “acting out” she’s acts like a normal kid when theyre not given structure
    STUCK again - Well, then, you better prepare yourself for some acting out. Because teenage girls act out regardless, but I'm sure it will be more so with a stepmother who doesn't value her but insists on disciplining her.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    InLoveInQueens
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I am a stepmom and have been one for 15 years now.  I also have a child of my own with my husband.  I recognize and identify with your struggles and some of your feelings.  My stepson is now 18 and his mother has not seen him since he was 2.  I have a lot of friends who are stepparents and also have children of their own.  

    It IS hard to not be resentful when you have other parents who also have a 'say' in parenting and/or are having an influence on your stepchild's behavior.  Also, I understand having a spouse who feels caught between their child and wanting protect said child's feelings (right, wrong, or indifferent) and their spouse's feelings and expectations.

    But I am going to caution you here, from lived experiences and what my friends have lived through...none of what is going on is your SD's fault.  Some of it is normal kid shit, some of it is divorced kid shit, some of it is her trying to find her place in your lives and her life in her other home.  Yes, there are behaviors that need to be addressed (her using your things without permission, being respectful, etc), but you will lose so much if you continue to rail on her and/or your partner for every transgression. 

    If your fiance will not go to counseling with you, go on your own.  Hopefully after you go for a few sessions, he will join you.  Also, it may be healthy for you and your SD to have a session or two together.  

    But really, if your FI will not recognize his part in this (because you have a FI problem more than anything else) and/or get on the same page with you, then you're going to be fighting one battle or another.  Furthermore you said it here in the post, 'it's my way or the highway', and there's no way you're going to get anyone's buy-in with that attitude.  Yes, having boundaries and standards are important...but nitpicking shit to death, all.the.time will only lead her to doing anything and everything to end-run around you.  Also, your own kids will pick up on it and don't think they won't try what they see. 

    You are on the precipice of the most important years for your SD emotionally, socially, and shaping her future.  Please, for her and for your own kids, I encourage you to find a way to wrap your arms around the situation and get a handle on it. 



    I agree with absolutely everything you've said and am actively working to get a new perspective and get everyone on the same page. I think part of my issue too is that I probably just feel a little crowded in our current situation (1200sq ft house with the baby's room and the only bathroom through our bedroom) so i have zero privacy at the current moment which is probably stressing me out more. This is a sticky situation and I want to do anything i can to make it work. 
  • edited February 2019
    GBCK said:
    VarunaTT said:
    I am very sure that his daughter is well aware you don't love her like you love the others.

    Image result for dumpster fire gif
    Again, I stand by the fact that it’s completely unfair to expect me or any stepmom for that matter to be expected to feel the same towards their stepkids as they do their biological kids. It’s great some stepmoms can but most are NOT built that way.
    THis is the JICiest JIC of this.

    Image result for worst stepmom award
    And that's where you get cut tf off. I give my everything to being the best parent i can be and I will NOT stand idly by and allow some know it all b**** to accuse me of being a bad parent. I know a bad parent when i see one and honey I'm not it so keep it moving. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I am a stepmom and have been one for 15 years now.  I also have a child of my own with my husband.  I recognize and identify with your struggles and some of your feelings.  My stepson is now 18 and his mother has not seen him since he was 2.  I have a lot of friends who are stepparents and also have children of their own.  

    It IS hard to not be resentful when you have other parents who also have a 'say' in parenting and/or are having an influence on your stepchild's behavior.  Also, I understand having a spouse who feels caught between their child and wanting protect said child's feelings (right, wrong, or indifferent) and their spouse's feelings and expectations.

    But I am going to caution you here, from lived experiences and what my friends have lived through...none of what is going on is your SD's fault.  Some of it is normal kid shit, some of it is divorced kid shit, some of it is her trying to find her place in your lives and her life in her other home.  Yes, there are behaviors that need to be addressed (her using your things without permission, being respectful, etc), but you will lose so much if you continue to rail on her and/or your partner for every transgression. 

    If your fiance will not go to counseling with you, go on your own.  Hopefully after you go for a few sessions, he will join you.  Also, it may be healthy for you and your SD to have a session or two together.  

    But really, if your FI will not recognize his part in this (because you have a FI problem more than anything else) and/or get on the same page with you, then you're going to be fighting one battle or another.  Furthermore you said it here in the post, 'it's my way or the highway', and there's no way you're going to get anyone's buy-in with that attitude.  Yes, having boundaries and standards are important...but nitpicking shit to death, all.the.time will only lead her to doing anything and everything to end-run around you.  Also, your own kids will pick up on it and don't think they won't try what they see. 

    You are on the precipice of the most important years for your SD emotionally, socially, and shaping her future.  Please, for her and for your own kids, I encourage you to find a way to wrap your arms around the situation and get a handle on it. 



    I agree with absolutely everything you've said and am actively working to get a new perspective and get everyone on the same page. I think part of my issue too is that I probably just feel a little crowded in our current situation (1200sq ft house with the baby's room and the only bathroom through our bedroom) so i have zero privacy at the current moment which is probably stressing me out more. This is a sticky situation and I want to do anything i can to make it work. 
    The only person at this time that you have to be on the 'same page' with is your FI. Having a united front with him and working out how you tackle situations with your SD and your own kids is super important.  The minute your SD thinks she can divide and conquer you two, she will.  Her level of success in that is up to you two. 

    I'll give you homework, the next time you want to discipline your SD on your own...don't do it.  Have a discussion with your FI and strongly suggest HE hand it down.  It's a small thing, but if you guys can get into that practice for now (not forever), it may help HIM see how to support you and for HER to see that y'all are in this together.  And also, it will help YOU see what's really important in the moment and what may actually be minor and doesn't need to be addressed beyond a 'hey, when you did x thing, it wasn't cool. let's do better next time.'.  I am legit telling you this from lived experience and what I've been confided in about from other stepparent friends.

    I lived in a 1200 sq ft house and worked from home, out of my son's room...for the first 3 years of his life.  So I get that the living situation is not ideal, but the people who make up your house will not change if you have 1200 or 12,000 sq ft.  
    ei34charlotte989875
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards