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Moms and Maids

Two MOHs

edited September 24 in Moms and Maids
My best friend asked me to be her MOH before she was even engaged. A couple months after she got engaged, she asked another girl to be a second MOH (which I have no problem with). Is it wrong of me to be annoyed/offended that the other MOH reached out to the rest of us in the bridal party saying that she and the bride's mom were chatting and were trying to get some dates for the bride's shower? I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and I don't know the circumstances under which they were chatting, but after reading that text I felt super excluded. I get that it's just some preliminary planning before getting the rest of the bridal party involved, but I also feel like that initial stuff is part of the the MOH's job (all of them, if there is more than one). And that these type of discussions should always involve all 3 of us. I don't know who reached out to who, or if this convo happened in person, but would you say something to someone (other MOH, mom?)?

Re: Two MOHs

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My best friend asked me to be her MOH before she was even engaged. A couple months after she got engaged, she asked another girl to be a second MOH (which I have no problem with). Is it wrong of me to be annoyed/offended that the other MOH reached out to the rest of us in the bridal party saying that she and the bride's mom were chatting and were trying to get some dates for the bride's shower? I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and I don't know the circumstances under which they were chatting, but after reading that text I felt super excluded. I get that it's just some preliminary planning before getting the rest of the bridal party involved, but I also feel like that initial stuff is part of the the MOH's job (all of them, if there is more than one). And that these type of discussions should always involve all 3 of us. I don't know who reached out to who, or if this convo happened in person, but would you say something to someone (other MOH, mom, bride?)?
    Had you previously offered to throw a shower or discussed it with the bride or her mother? Or are you annoyed that the other MOH is assuming you want to help throw it? I don't otherwise see why you'd be annoyed.

    A shower can be thrown by anyone. It is not the responsibility of the MOH, both MOHs, MOB, bridesmaids or anyone else. If you want to help, join the conversation. If you don't, politely decline and move on. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My best friend asked me to be her MOH before she was even engaged. A couple months after she got engaged, she asked another girl to be a second MOH (which I have no problem with). Is it wrong of me to be annoyed/offended that the other MOH reached out to the rest of us in the bridal party saying that she and the bride's mom were chatting and were trying to get some dates for the bride's shower? I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and I don't know the circumstances under which they were chatting, but after reading that text I felt super excluded. I get that it's just some preliminary planning before getting the rest of the bridal party involved, but I also feel like that initial stuff is part of the the MOH's job (all of them, if there is more than one). And that these type of discussions should always involve all 3 of us. I don't know who reached out to who, or if this convo happened in person, but would you say something to someone (other MOH, mom, bride?)?
    Neither of you have jobs. You can offer to do a number of things, like host/co-host a bridal shower or bachelorette party, but you don't have to do any of them.

    Therefore, as it is technically no one's responsibility to plan a shower, the other MOH hasn't really done anything wrong here. What you can do is reach out to her and the MOB and say that you see they've gotten started on a shower plan and you'd be happy to be involved in the hosting of that shower as well.

    They probably won't say no, but they could say no, and that's also technically not wrong. Anyone can offer to host anything. We just had a shower for my FSIL, which was really intended for our (the groom's) side of the family. While her sister (MOH), mom, etc. were invited, the MOH-sister wasn't involved or invited to be part of the planning for that. She and her mom hosted a shower that worked better for their side too. And the bride could have said to either group's offer of a shower, "thanks but no thanks." None of these things are written in stone. No one has job descriptions. If you host a shower, just make sure it's hosted well.
  • edited September 24
    I guess I was taken aback because in every other bridal party I've been a part of, whether a MOH or bridesmaid, the MOH always initiated the planning of events whether alone or with the bride's mom. When I found out about my friend adding a second MOH, I immediately reached out to the other MOH about the bachelorette, and then after that we got a group chat going with the rest of the bridal party. So I figured we'd start all the planning together for the shower, too. Maybe saying I'm annoyed or offended is a little over the top, but I just want to be included. I want to reach out to one or both of them to let them know I'd like to be a part of planning everything, but I also don't want to come off as assuming they wouldn't. If that makes any sense. Regardless, I appreciate the replies. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I guess I was taken aback because in every other bridal party I've been a part of, whether a MOH or bridesmaid, the MOH always initiated the planning of events whether alone or with the bride's mom. When I found out about my friend adding a second MOH, I immediately reached out to the other MOH about the bachelorette, and then after that we got a group chat going with the rest of the bridal party. So I figured we'd start all the planning together for the shower, too. Maybe saying I'm annoyed or offended is a little over the top, but I just want to be included. I want to reach out to one or both of them to let them know I'd like to be a part of planning everything, but I also don't want to come off as assuming they wouldn't. If that makes any sense. Regardless, I appreciate the replies. 
    Just a side note, but when planning the bachelorette make sure you message each person invited in a separate message to ask what their budget is. 


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    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • levioosa said:
    I guess I was taken aback because in every other bridal party I've been a part of, whether a MOH or bridesmaid, the MOH always initiated the planning of events whether alone or with the bride's mom. When I found out about my friend adding a second MOH, I immediately reached out to the other MOH about the bachelorette, and then after that we got a group chat going with the rest of the bridal party. So I figured we'd start all the planning together for the shower, too. Maybe saying I'm annoyed or offended is a little over the top, but I just want to be included. I want to reach out to one or both of them to let them know I'd like to be a part of planning everything, but I also don't want to come off as assuming they wouldn't. If that makes any sense. Regardless, I appreciate the replies. 
    Just a side note, but when planning the bachelorette make sure you message each person invited in a separate message to ask what their budget is. 
    Good thinking, thanks for the tip!
    MesmrEwe
  • It's always hard to read things.   The MOH may be overzealous or she may have great intentions.   Just pick up the phone and call her and say that you haven't talked to the mom yet and as co-MsOH why don't you two get together and work on some ideas? 
    MobKazknottieb0292ad6e6f5382fcharlotte989875MissKittyDanger
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I guess I was taken aback because in every other bridal party I've been a part of, whether a MOH or bridesmaid, the MOH always initiated the planning of events whether alone or with the bride's mom. When I found out about my friend adding a second MOH, I immediately reached out to the other MOH about the bachelorette, and then after that we got a group chat going with the rest of the bridal party. So I figured we'd start all the planning together for the shower, too. Maybe saying I'm annoyed or offended is a little over the top, but I just want to be included. I want to reach out to one or both of them to let them know I'd like to be a part of planning everything, but I also don't want to come off as assuming they wouldn't. If that makes any sense. Regardless, I appreciate the replies. 
    Perhaps the error of omission was an act of thoughtfulness.  Perhaps MOH#2, knowing you had already initiated the planning/organizing of the bachelorette event, was trying to take the shower event “off your plate” so to speak.  As others have suggested, a calm and personal call to those involved should remedy the situation easily.  You can decide if each of you wants to be the “designated planner” for individual events, or co-plan all of them.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 30
    The solution to a lot of problems like this is "pick up the phone" don't text, don't get presumptive.  Also, open the lines of communication up with the bride because sometimes brides "jump the gun" and will ask people before they're engaged and forget they've done so.  Not that it's right or wrong, many of us have been around the boards shy of forever to recognize some patterns not good nor bad.  

    Also, when it comes to planning any thing ask people privately their budgets, half them, and plan the event(s) you can afford.  No one ever complains that an event goes under budget, many friendships have been lost because people's life circumstances change and they don't recognize that they can be open in that communication nor willing to ask people what their budget is and expecting people to shell out thousands or hundreds they cannot afford.  Also, by budgeting small, you've already worked in the contingency plans if someone has to bail financially.  
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd just reach out to the MOB and the other MOH and offer whatever help I can.

    You're also free to throw your own shower or party, provided every guest is invited to the wedding and no one is asked to more than one shower.
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