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Wedding Etiquette Forum
doodlebug72
member
parents hurt my dad isn't officiating Catholic wedding?
Hi guys, I'm dealing with a kind of funky problem that I haven't been able to find any information about (could I be the first?) A little backstory, I was raised Lutheran (I'm a pastor's daughter) but my fiance was raised Catholic. We met while we were in college and while I was in the process of converting from Lutheranism to Catholicism. I will "fully convert" or officially become Catholic this spring, and we're getting married this summer. When we got engaged we both agreed together to get married in the church in our college town which is very special to us as it was where we met, where he was raised, and where I came into the Catholic faith. Of course, being a pastor's kid this has caused a lot of hurt for my parents. I think they both feel that this is the final nail in the coffin of "losing" their daughter, and they have said multiple times this wedding will be humiliating and sad for them and that while they will attend they will not be happy about it. From my perspective, as two Catholics it doesn't make a lot of sense to have a Lutheran wedding in my hometown (and we would need to get a dispensation to do it) and having it 500 miles away will help mitigate the scandal for my father. I have tried to explain to my parents that I am not trying to personally spurn them or their faith, but this is something as an adult that we have decided to share together. I have considered asking my dad to have a part in the service, but I am worried this will feel like pity and will be even more insulting. I am completely unsure of what to do at this point. Are we being cruel to want to have our wedding at the Catholic church? Do we compromise the one thing that is really important to us with this wedding and just have a Lutheran wedding at my dad's church, or do we stand our ground and do what we would prefer?
Re: parents hurt my dad isn't officiating Catholic wedding?
I don't think you'd get a dispensation for your father's feelings, honestly, so that kind of takes that decision out of your hands. The only time I've heard of a dispensation being given was when the groom himself was actively hostile to the Church (but he still had to agree to let his wife raise his children Catholic).
I'd ask the priest what is possible for your father to do, and then ask him if he's interested in doing it, but that you understand if he isn't. He may say no. Just be gracious the whole way. You seem like you're doing a great job with that already.
ETA: paging @ILoveBeachMusic for the parent perspective
I agree with everything @flantastic recommended. I'm sure this is hard for your parents and i think you've been handling it very well so far. In my experience as well, I don't think anything about your situation would allow a dispensation and I think you should proceed with planning the Catholic wedding in your college town at the church that is important to you.
I don't have a ton of advice for managing your parents feelings above and beyond what was already recommended. I think asking the priest what your father could do (if anything) would be a nice idea and then ask if he would want to do that. If he can't help with mass he could always do the readings and/or the prayers of the faithful. He could maybe help you pick the readings?
Good luck with everything!
I think the advice received thus far is great. Is your priest understanding of this concern and navigating it with parents? That's also incredibly helpful if the priest himself is understanding of your situation especially as the child of a Lutheran pastor.
FI and I have tossed around the idea of having a witnesses only ceremony instead if we can't include my parents without everyone being miserable; it's not what I would want but if it comes to that I suppose it is at least an option. I haven't been able to talk to my priest yet, but I am hoping that I will be able to next week; I think he will be sympathetic-- he's an Anglican convert himself. I think the idea of having my dad do the readings or the prayers might be a nice gesture if nothing else.
While not quite the same scenario, I was also raised Lutheran and went to the same church through my early 20s, until I moved out of state. My parents got married in that church and were always heavily involved in it. I ALWAYS pictured getting married there! But I didn't.
My H and I even went back to my hometown to get married and I still chose not to. Even though I felt a strong tie to that church, logistically, it didn't make sense for a couple reasons. We did have the pastor from that church officiate, but in an outdoor secular ceremony.
I had an ex b/f who I dated for two years. He and his mother were Catholic and I would occasionally go to church with them. She always seemed really insulted that I would not go up for communion. I wasn't comfortable going up for a blessing either, because I didn't want to be the weirdo in the quick line trying to explain on the fly, "Nope, Father. Blessing Only. Not Catholic." I told her over and over that, it wasn't my choice, it's that I am not allowed to per the Catholic church. About one year into the relationship, she asked me some questions about "my religion". Turns out, she thought all Christians were Catholics and that all the Protestant sects were a totally different religion! It was an "ah ha" moment as I realized what a truly fruitless and uphill battle I'd been waging that whole time, lol.
However I have to respect those who opt out as a sign of respect as well.
I think it became a thing for two reasons - 1) We did want to offer something to those who cannot receive communion but would like to receive grace in some way, 2) it's awkward to climb over the people who aren't going up to communion in the pew lol
ETA - in short, that priest was wrong in all sorts of ways
When DD was engaged, I read a lot of the posts on the Catholic board which was much more active back then. I wanted to understand as much as I could. One frequent poster sent me a papal edict (not sure if that is the correct word), at my request, that stated that the blessing was actually meant for Catholics who weren't able receive communion for whatever reason and not for non-Catholics. I can't remember which Pope issued it. That kind of validated my reasoning for staying in the pew.
There are some particularly good explanations on Busted Halo's site in regard to some of the intricacies in an easy to understand format, but chances are if you talk to the priest marrying you they may also have some suggestions.
Although I often have theological disagreements with my daughter, I was fine with her Catholic wedding. But your dad, because he is a pastor, may regard your conversion as a "failure" on his part. He might think he failed to teach you "correct" theology or that you rejected him as well as his faith. I don't know.
But if I were you, I would keep reaching out to him privately. Reassure him that the essentials are the same (the virgin birth, the divinity of Christ, the resurrection) in case he is worried about your soul. And then tell him that you would be honored if he would participate in your wedding in some way. You should find out from your priest what is allowed before you suggest anything, though. There may be some roles allowed only for Catholics in good standing.
At the Lutheran church I grew up in, for special services like Easter and Christmas...that might have a lot of people who don't normally attend our church...the pastor would invite "anyone who believes in God, the Holy Spirit, and that Jesus is our savior" (something like that) to participate in communion. He would also describe the "signal" if someone would prefer a blessing. But, for typical Sunday services, all of that usually wasn't mentioned.
Also, to clarify, we believe that anyone who is baptized is a part of the Church at large, and is therefore welcome to celebrate and offer Mass with us. If we also believed, like the church you attended, @short+sassy, that Communion was just a symbol of our communion together and the presence of Christ spiritually in our midst, then it would make sense to invite everyone to participate.
However, since Catholics believe it's the true actual Body and Blood of Christ, anyone who doesn't believe that would be receiving Him rather disrespectfully. Which is why we don't offer. I get that if @maine7mob believes it must be just a symbolic thing in the Catholic Church too, (i.e., we're wrong about the true character of the sacrament), she would think there's no harm in receiving it, or even that she deserves to. But we do think there is harm, so I appreciate everyone who is respectful about not.
DD's church in Chicago would mention non-Catholics receiving a blessing at every service we have attended. It is interesting that in your experience it has been mostly at Wedding and Funeral masses.
Also, a theological discussion is a hell of a lot better topic than politics these days.