Prudie. Is. Not. A. Therapist.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I live a life of keeping promises to all and meeting deadlines, demands, and requests for everyone in my life. I’m a mother and a wife, I have a full-time job, I’m working to get my commercial driver’s license (CDL) to drive a school bus because I was asked and can’t say no, I’m a member of the PTO, I’m a soccer coach for both my children’s teams, and I’m sure I’m missing something. The point is I can’t say no, I’m reliable, and I get it all done.

However, I can’t seem to make time for myself when I know I need it. I can’t seem to say no. I can’t seem to set goals for myself and keep them. I am able to do everything asked for me by everyone else but I can’t do the same thing for myself. I can’t set time aside and I can’t set a goal and make myself reach it. I need advice. I show myself all the grace but feel like I’m constantly letting down “me.” What am I doing wrong, or more so, what can I change to not only do what everyone else needs but what I need as well?

—I’m Reliable for Everyone But Myself

banana468

Make the time to put a therapist into your schedule.  But also lean on those you need to make your progress a success. 

Casadena

I have a hard time empathizing or sympathizing with people like this. I shouldn't for sure, but it makes me very grateful that i grew up with parents who actively encouraged us to say no to things that were too much. I'm sure it's hard to get there if your MO has been to people please and "yes" everyone your whole life. But yeah, Prudie can't fix this, and "no, thanks for asking" won't make everyone hate you. 

mrsconn23

Agreed @Casadena.  I understand the struggle to say 'no' in certain situations, but if it's ALL the time, then you need to figure out self-preservation, sanity, and why you feel you have to please people. You CAN say 'no', you're just choosing not to and that is only an issue you can fix. 

charlotte989875

I struggle to say no, especially at work, but sometimes in my personal life too. 

This is definitely something to work out in therapy- why can’t you say no to things you don’t want to do? What are you worried is going to happen? Is it being liked? What happens if you’re not liked? So many things to work through but if you’re feeling this badly already it’s time to have help working it out. 

short+sassy

The LW definitely needs to see a therapist to learn why they can't say no and learn how to stop.

This is extreme!  It costs money and time to get a CDL.  And you know once the LW has it, they'll be expected to drive hither and yon for EVERY.EVENT. their kids are a part of.  I don't even want to think about the liability involved in driving a school bus full of kids!  Especially if it is done privately and not through a company.

VarunaTT

Yep, therapy and some great books about boundaries, how to put them in place and how to keep them in place, is necessary.

My mother never said no to anything and I was the same way, until I was so close to melting down that I had to start saying no.  She is now in her 80s and is finally saying no, but mainly b/c of her physical and mental limitations.  If she still could, I bet she probably would.