He needs more than a conversation about his driving.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have a great marriage, and overall he’s a very kind and lovely man—except for in the car! First of all, he insists on doing 100 percent of the driving when we’re together due to a combination of car sickness and some of the issues I’m about to get into. When we go on long highway drives he does great, but the in-town running around is super tense and can really ruin our day, or cast a sour mood on whatever event we’re headed to.

It’s not quite road rage, he doesn’t scream or flip off other drivers, it’s more like road tension. He has zero tolerance for people driving poorly, navigating tight parking lots, and just generally navigating the city. He tenses up, slams the music off, starts accelerating and stopping more aggressively, and becomes negative and grumpy for the rest of the drive. I don’t love the tone he takes with me in these moments, but he’s mostly just quiet and incapable of either pleasant conversation or logistical discussion. (“Do you think we should get drinks after the show?” “IDFK I can’t think about that right now!”) If we have to circle the block even once to find parking on the way out to dinner, I almost want to say forget it let’s go home. Another consequence of this behavior is that I end up trying to run all the errands myself because he’s a drag to bring along, and if he’s by himself, he gets fed up and comes home early or half-asses the errands.

We share one car (and can’t afford a second one) and live in a small city with terrible public transport. So we’re going to be stuck driving together to date nights, events, and the grocery store, and I need to have a sit-down chat with him outside of the car about his attitude. What do you think is fair of me to ask of him? I really struggle when it seems like the only recourse I have is to ask someone to just “act differently.” Again, he’s kind and reasonable outside of the car, but something about being behind the wheel really aggravates him.

—Side Eye from the Passenger

MyNameIsNot

I would never ride with him driving. JFC.

banana468

You need to be clear about the tension he brings to city driving. 

short+sassy

They should talk about the ways he is difficult to drive with and come up with solutions together of how he can mellow out better.

NGL, I'm an angry driver myself.  But some of that is New Orleans who have the worst and scariest drivers I have ever seen.  I'm usually not upset and angry driving in other places.

But one thing I can agree with her husband on is the LW needs to stop making conversation while he is driving, unless it is necessary.  My H does that also and I frequently have to tell him, "I don't mind if you want to talk, but I can't really listen to you when I'm driving."

Because...see my other paragraph...I have to have my head on a swivel constantly looking out for if I have to suddenly slam on my brakes because some idiot near me is about to hit my car.  While avoiding the bicyclist going the wrong way down the road and headed straight for me.  And making sure the pedestrians on the corner aren't about to walk into oncoming traffic.

levioosa

I’d describe myself as a passive angry driver. “Obvious this person has no fucking where to go! Jfc if you’re gonna go 40 get off the fucking freeway! Okay, dumbass, use a blinker” but it’s mostly alone and I tone it down with other people in the car. I also don’t drive aggressively with it. Mostly I’m just a really defensive driver because people are terrible at driving and once I get onto the street for work there are random people who will just run into the street, items in the road, just plain bad drivers, etc. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

I’d describe myself as a passive angry driver. “Obvious this person has no fucking where to go! Jfc if you’re gonna go 40 get off the fucking freeway! Okay, dumbass, use a blinker” but it’s mostly alone and I tone it down with other people in the car. I also don’t drive aggressively with it. Mostly I’m just a really defensive driver because people are terrible at driving and once I get onto the street for work there are random people who will just run into the street, items in the road, just plain bad drivers, etc. 

That's a good point.  I'm a LOT more complaining and yelling when there is no one else in the car.

While I can't speak about where you live specifically, NOLA drivers are MUCH worse than CA ones.  At least in my experience, which was more southern OC and northern SD county.

It's actually about reason #5 I want to move.  It's so dangerous to drive here.

This is how I explain it.  NOLA drivers are rude drivers, but they're also very bad drivers who have no spatial awareness.  CA drivers are definitely rude drivers also, but they're good drivers.  They might cut you off, but they don't want to hurt their precious $80K BMW, so it's usually not going to be so bad that you have to slam on your brakes while swerving around them to avoid an accident.

They also don't pull away from the curb without looking.  Or use a driving lane as a loading zone.  I see that last one at least once a day.

Nobody uses blinkers in NOLA either.  Over the years, I've asked various people who are born and raised here why that is.  But while everyone acknowledges it, no one has an answer.

Of course, CA has exponentially more traffic.  But I'm so much more relaxed when I'm visiting home and driving.  Because the drivers are more consistent in what they are going to do, including using blinkers.