Your dad is a giant baby. Do you want that energy in your kid's life?
Dear Prudence,
When I was 15 and my sister was 12, our parents divorced, and it came out that our father had a secret girlfriend for the vast majority of our parents’ marriage. This new knowledge really changed the way I see my dad, and our relationship has never been the same. He ultimately went on to marry his affair partner and they’ve now been married for 12 years. My dad has never forgiven me or my sister for the fact that we were mad at him when we learned about the affair as teenagers, but we’ve kind of bumped along with a more superficial relationship in the intervening years; however, he still likes to express his disappointment in us and let us know that we’re not living up to his expectations of us as daughters. My strategy has generally been to just lowkey ignore these barbs and try and keep things light.
Last year, my husband and I had a baby, and my dad didn’t express an interest in coming to meet her until she was about nine months old, at which point he asked if he and his wife could come for the weekend (they live in another state). Hosting them for a weekend involved a lot of work for us and everything is harder with a baby, but I thought we had a good visit and they seemed to enjoy themselves.
Fast forward to this year’s Christmas letter, and after a couple of paragraphs of gushing reviews of their other activities and visits to friends and relatives, they described their visit with us as “cordial” (and didn’t mention my sister at all, even though she got a huge new job last year). I want to tell my dad how hurtful this was, but I’m hesitating because I know he will not take it well and will probably turn it around on me for not calling him more often or visiting more frequently. Should I say something about his behavior or just add another note to my mental list of ways he has shown me his character and next year just throw the Christmas letter directly into the trash?
—Cordially
Re: Your dad is a giant baby. Do you want that energy in your kid's life?
I know it's used all the time here but...therapy. A man who cheats on his wife for over a decade and then gets upset at the people who are hurt by his betrayal of trust is someone who has already displayed questionable ethics and manipulation. You need to work to deal with how you won't change this person and let these letters and comments roll like water off a duck's back. Easier said than done but do not give him the power he doesn't deserve.