Military Brides

Im new, but I have a quick question!

So my FI and I have been discussing weddings. He just recieved new orders and we will be moving this summer. We plan on having a wedding next year after we can save up for a while, Due to a couple of factors (base housing,religious beliefs, ect) we plan on getting married this year on the same date as our wedding next year and well......not telling anyone so that the wedding next year doesnt lose it's luster. Have any of you done this? How did it turn out?
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Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!

  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Bad idea. Very bad idea. You essentially want to lie to your family and friends? That's not a good way to start a marriage. Every lady on here is going to say the same thing to you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I totally understand why you would say that, my concern is that if everyone knows were already married then the celebration next year, will either not happen at all, or people wont see the point in coming since were already married
  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It's a vow renewal then. You don't have any of the pre-wedding parties (shower, bachelorette party) if you're already married. You just have a big party for people to celebrate. You don't call it a wedding. You can scale down your wedding and have a small one right now and forgo the big wedding. you can wait for when you originally planned and make do, or you do the wedding now, are honest about it, and have a vow renewal. No one is going to condone you lying to family and friends.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:9b093173-867b-4db9-bcbc-3f891f235885">Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my FI and I have been discussing weddings. He just recieved new orders and we will be moving this summer. We plan on having a wedding next year after we can save up for a while, Due to a couple of factors (base housing,religious beliefs, ect) we plan on getting married this year on the same date as our wedding next year and well......not telling anyone so that the wedding next year doesnt lose it's luster. Have any of you done this? How did it turn out?
    Posted by Maybeweweremfeo[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why does it sound like a good idea to start your marriage off by lying to your family and friends that you love?  They deserve to know the truth.  I have a friend who tried to do this, and her mom still holds a grudge about it a year a half later because she found out her daughter hid her marriage and wedding from her.  Trust me, people will find out, and there will be very real, very hurt feelings.  </div>
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:5057caef-93bf-4c0b-ab6f-e4954cbfb004">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally understand why you would say that, my concern is that if everyone knows were already married then the celebration next year,<strong> will either not happen at all, or people wont see the point in coming since were already married</strong>
    Posted by Maybeweweremfeo[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's something you deal with when you choose to do a JOP and a vow renewal later.  Be up front and honest with everyone, and most of them will be happy to celebrate with you as you renew your vows on your first anniversary.  </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Ladies
  • edited December 2011
    GGirl & Beach are both so right.

    You don't want to start your marriage out like that. It will turn out terribly. Someone will know that you can't get base housing just being engaged, someone will find out, and what religious beliefs are there that make it okay to lie to your family and friends? I'm admittedly not very religious, but I know enough to know that almost all religions don't condone lying.
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  • edited December 2011
    I def didnt see at as lying to the people I love but when you guys point it out that's exactly what it is. I never thought about that part of it Thankyou for your honest opinions.
  • edited December 2011
    You're very welcome!!Smile
    Photobucket
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, it's lying by omission.  And really, any time you referred to him as your FI after that you'd be lying too.  It's just not worth lying about it, and most people should be supportive of your decision in your family if you are honest with them.

    Glad you took the advice so well, I hope we convinced you to rethink this.
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto DNB. I know it sometimes seems the much easier way, but it would create so many more problems in the long run. You have so many other options to utilize. Glad that you are thinking hard about this situation.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    i say go for it! whatever works for you...i contemplated doing this then didnt
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  • Victoria2013Victoria2013 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We did this, but our family and friends know.  Although many women don't agree with the fact that I am having a wedding, not a vow renewal.  Our "JoP" wasn't the normal American one since we didn't say any vows, just signed a sheet of paper and we were in and out.  Mind you this was in the Japanese City Hall.
  • edited December 2011
    hahah you just asked the question that offends many military brides on these boards :P

    that IS a vow renewal, and people will find out long before that.. to go a whole year without tell people? they are going to know. it goes on paperwork all over the place.
    There is nothing wrong with what you want to do and I understand both sides, just don't lie to people.. bc a couple of people will find out and then youll end up with a bad rep for lying about something like that and itll llook like you're throwing a party for gifts after that.
  • edited December 2011
    LOL it def would not be for gifts. Our wedding next year regardless of our situation this year will only have about 50 people total. And we dont even expect anything from them except their company.
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The thing is though, even if you aren't expecting gifts, many people will give them to you because that's what they do for weddings.  

    Katelyn - I understand wanting to "support brides," but can you please snap out of the 18 y/o mentality that people love you and won't care, and realize what a horrible idea it is to lie to all of your family and friends about something as important as a marriage?  I am really trying to change my opinion of you after you apologize for your posts in the past, but if you're going to go around these boards promoting lying and deceiving your loved ones, then I seriously can't respect you.  

    OP- repeating what Sami asked, I'm curious to know your religious beliefs.  I'm assuming it has to do with living toether before marriage, but if that's the case, then I would assume your religion thinks highly of marriage, and wouldn't believe in lying to your family, friends, and everyone except the military that you're already married.  If I'm wrong, please explain.
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Katelyn- no one is discouraging her from doing a JOP and vow renewal if thats what she wants. She is being discouraged from lying to the people she loves and cares about. I can't imagine being married and lying to my mom about it. I can't imagine the guilt a person would feel for doing that.
    image
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I would think your religious beliefs would also demand a religious ceremony as opposed to a JOP.

    Don't get married so you can live together. It's just not a good idea. .
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • edited December 2011
    I can tell you that in our case, we were looking into JOP. I wanted to make sure if we did that our Priest was okay with it (because a lot are not).
    He said that he would and I quote "be okay with it as long as we didn't think this gave us the okay to move in together." He specifically said that the court house ceremony meant nothing to the Catholic Church. I don't mean to offend those that did a JOP because I don't agree with this. But it's their (Catholic Church's) view, they believe that Marriage begins when you and your fiance celebrate the SACRAMENT of marriage. Its a sacrament thing to them, not a law/rights/legal thing. Just to be clear.

    I say this to anyone that is curious. I dunno OP reasons for getting married but wanted to share our experience.

    In the end, our reasons for wanting to JOP were not worth the hassle of two ceremonies/celebrations.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:450af330-d074-4840-9e40-a622b9eeba82">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thing is though, even if you aren't expecting gifts, many people will give them to you because that's what they do for weddings.   Katelyn - I understand wanting to "support brides," but can you please snap out of the 18 y/o mentality that people love you and won't care, and realize what a horrible idea it is to lie to all of your family and friends about something as important as a marriage?  I am really trying to change my opinion of you after you apologize for your posts in the past, but if you're going to go around these boards promoting lying and deceiving your loved ones, then I seriously can't respect you.   OP- repeating what Sami asked, I'm curious to know your religious beliefs.  I'm assuming it has to do with living toether before marriage, but if that's the case, then I would assume your religion thinks highly of marriage, and wouldn't believe in lying to your family, friends, and everyone except the military that you're already married.  If I'm wrong, please explain.
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I only meant if it works for her then she should go for it...I almost did this and wish I did after everything I've been through with this deployment. I did ask my parents for permission bc my 18th birthday was 3 days before he deployed but they wanted me to have the big wedding I've always dreamed of and I respected their decision. All I meant was if this is best for her situation then she should go for it

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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I know what you meant, and that's my point.  Sometimes people don't realize that what they THINK is best for them, is really a horrible idea that they will likely regret.  Lying to family and friends about something as important as marriage is one of those horrible ideas.  Nobody told her not to do a JOP, we told her not to lie to people about it.  
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:ed433cc7-1c8f-4b2a-8dd8-ca1ea67bff2e">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know what you meant, and that's my point.  Sometimes people don't realize that what they THINK is best for them, is really a horrible idea that they will likely regret.  Lying to family and friends about something as important as marriage is one of those horrible ideas.  Nobody told her not to do a JOP, we told her not to lie to people about it.  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    <div>Everyone's situation and feelings on this subject are different so best of luck to you and hope everything works out! :)</div>
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:782ebc98-a706-42d8-bd46-06fdd2b450df">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : Everyone's situation and feelings on this subject are different so best of luck to you and hope everything works out! :)
    Posted by katelyn26[/QUOTE]

    <div>Can you honestly say that you see nothing wrong with lying to the important people in your life about something like a marriage?  I get that everyone feels differently about JOP-ing, but I would think most mature adults can see how lying about that is never a good idea.  But then again I should probably consider my audience.  </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:a8d2bb66-9210-4efb-a198-ca2966ce001b">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : Can you honestly say that you see nothing wrong with lying to the important people in your life about something like a marriage?  I get that everyone feels differently about JOP-ing, but I would think most mature adults can see how lying about that is never a good idea.  But then again I should probably consider my audience.  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
    I'm really trying to stay calm here....I just want to say I don't appreciate your ageism. Just because I am young unlike some other people on these boards does not mean my opinion is completely invalid. I was just trying to help. Ultimately it's her decision if she wants to tell her family. I was going to tell mine then do the big wedding when he got back. Obviously we didn't do this but since I considered this I obviously support the idea. I'm not trying to pick another fight but I feel like you are. I don't understand why you feel none of my posts have any merit...I'd appreciate it if you'd change your attitude towards me because I have another year until my wedding and will continue to post until and after it.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:d9966a6a-25c6-45bb-a419-df50fecb6f9e">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : I'm really trying to stay calm here....I just want to say I don't appreciate your ageism. Just because I am young unlike some other people on these boards does not mean my opinion is completely invalid. I was just trying to help. Ultimately it's her decision if she wants to tell her family. I was going to tell mine then do the big wedding when he got back. Obviously we didn't do this but since I considered this I obviously support the idea. I'm not trying to pick another fight but I feel like you are. I don't understand why you feel none of my posts have any merit...I'd appreciate it if you'd change your attitude towards me because I have another year until my wedding and will continue to post until and after it.
    Posted by katelyn26[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>My comment had nothing to do with age, I was referring to maturity.  You can be 40 and immature, so your claim of ageism has no merit to me.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I don't feel that your posts have any merit because I have yet to see one that proves otherwise.  Just saying "it's your day do what you want" is not giving helpful advice.  Post all you want, you are free to do that.  And I am free to point out when I think your advice is wrong, just like I'll do with anyone else posting bad advice.  Since you think I'm just doing it to you, maybe you should consider the fact that it has something to do with the posts you have made and the advice you have given.  Proving that you have changed your attitude takes more than just saying it.  

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:58276498-8ba1-4d02-a614-f82659fa5bb8">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am currently doing the JOP and then having my dream wedding in September. My mom and dad are fully aware and support our decision...we are doing this only because we are worried that if I am not on his papers when he get stationed and we get married in September that they will see him as single and he will be required to live in the barracks til they can get the papers in order and who knows how long that can take...also that would mean that we will lose his housing and food allowance and puts me alone in a city for however long it take them not to mentioned that if we get stationed to Japan I will have no health insurance or way to get there.... I am not telling all of my family member seeing that i have 9 siblings and many of them would be very upset at me. We have already talked to our pastor and he's ok for us to go ahead as well as he is already started marriage counseling with us.  I am not telling anyone else because i am worried that people will jump to conclusions i.e. I'm pregnant, We are just trying to hurry things along..ect...This was a really hard decision for me because I have dreamed about my wedding day for as long as I can remember and I feel like the JOP takes away from the specialness of my sept wedding day.......And do to the fact that he is currently in his last school he can not get home to move the wedding date up...... Ok so there is my 2 cents  Much luck :)  
    Posted by sweeden224[/QUOTE]

    IMO your family has reason to be upset. You are lying to your siblings. If you think they are going to be upset about your JOP how on earth do you expect them to respond when you don't have a marriage license to sign at your "Dream Wedding"? They will find out and in my experience that is when permanent damage is done.
    GL
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:6da4c918-2466-4081-8a11-e6dbcc04ec20">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : My comment had nothing to do with age, I was referring to maturity.  You can be 40 and immature, so your claim of ageism has no merit to me.   I don't feel that your posts have any merit because I have yet to see one that proves otherwise.  Just saying "it's your day do what you want" is not giving helpful advice.  Post all you want, you are free to do that.  And I am free to point out when I think your advice is wrong, just like I'll do with anyone else posting bad advice.  Since you think I'm just doing it to you, maybe you should consider the fact that it has something to do with the posts you have made and the advice you have given.  Proving that you have changed your attitude takes more than just saying it.  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]<div>I was simply saying it is a valid decision for her to make, whether she chooses to tell some of her family or not

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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:679c573f-8093-4f68-8729-edb7ba53154d">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : I was simply saying it is a valid decision for her to make, whether she chooses to tell some of her family or not
    Posted by katelyn26[/QUOTE]

    <div>Valid does not mean good or right decision.  You can keep giving posters the advice you want for as long as you want.  Just know that I and several other posters will continue to call out bad advice.  Telling someone it's okay to lie to their friends and family is never okay in my book, and I will call you on it.  </div>
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:5cf52997-e59e-4561-b1eb-79c108cdaf14">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]shan87 - Yes my family is hurt but in the end they love me and will support my choice when we explain to them why we did what we did.
    Posted by sweeden224[/QUOTE]

    <div>Or you could just explain to them now what you are doing.  Honestly, I would be beyond hurt and mad at my brother if he ran off and got married without telling anyone, then led us all to believe that we were witnessing his real wedding when it really wasn't.  </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:5cf52997-e59e-4561-b1eb-79c108cdaf14">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
    [QUOTE]shan87 - Yes my family is hurt but in the end they love me and will support my choice when we explain to them why we did what we did.
    Posted by sweeden224[/QUOTE]

    <div>EXACTLY!!</div>
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