Im new, but I have a quick question!

ggirl2001

If they are going to be supportive and will understand then why not tell them now? That doesn't make sense to me. If it were me, I would rather deal with some backlash now of them being mad at me, rather than after I lied to them for a year.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:e6c1b468-5637-4db5-9556-39198f5f5ba1">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]If they are going to be supportive and will understand then why not tell them now? That doesn't make sense to me. If it were me, I would rather deal with some backlash now of them being mad at me, rather than after I lied to them for a year.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly my point.  If people are so sure that they will love you and understand why you did it, why wouldn't they understand you telling them what's going on from the beginning?  Males zero sense to me.</div>

SamiJoeB

Katelyn- Beach is certainly not "picking" on you or being "ageist". She has told me when I've given bad advice and I took a step back, looked at what I said from a different point of view and said "You know what.. She's right", had I still thought I was right, I'm sure that our differing opinions would not have negatively effected our friendship. I don't understand what you and some others think is okay with starting your marriage out with a lie. Lying to all your friends and a family, that's bad juju my friend, bad juju. What kills me is that people can seriously trick themselves into thinking that no one will find out be it for  few months, a year, or more. People always find out. People are NOT as stupid as we'd like to think. Beach, Calindi, Shan & Stan (and myself) have been here for a while (there are a few others that I'm forgetting I know and I'm sorry ladies), we're a bit older than most, and more importantly I know that I am not afraid to hurt someone's feelings. Is that my intention? Absolutely not. Do I sometimes come on here distracted, or pissed off and thus come off even bit*hier than normal? You bet. At the end of the day, I love weddings, That's what I'm going to school to be, a wedding consultant. Weddings have been my life since I was 3. And it's my love of weddings, and the military, and especially military brides, that keep me around. I have made some wonderful friends on here, girls that I will meet IRL someday. You came on here to a rough start, do you really want to encourage other girls to do the same thing? Everyone is trying to give you another chance, and up until now you've been doing really well, but no one will condone giving bad advice. Simply saying "do what works for you" is not good advice.

Sweeden-I'm curious, did you happen to also mention to your pastor that you plan to lie to your siblings, even if not your parents? or that you also plan to lie to your friends. I think that you feel like by telling your parents, it's okay, but you're still lying by omission to your siblings and that can cause long term damage. I hate when people use the military as an excuse to be selfish, or when they say "We HAD to JOP because of the military". No you chose to JOP rather than wait because you saw a benefit to jumping the gun. Your FI doesn't want to live in the barracks.. fine.. He would probably spend at most a few months in there, and there is a possibility that he would get a house in base housing for the two of you, and live there alone until you could join him. Even if you couldn't move wherever he gets stationed immediately, as a dependent, you would still be covered by TRICARE. I live in the states while my H is stationed overseas. I could go over there, but in doing so I would commit my H to spending 2 more years in Japan (a country that while beautiful, is not very nice to Americans or SM) and that is just something that he and I are not okay with, so I live with my in-laws for the next 8 months until we PCS. You mention Japan specifically, and you say you would have no health coverage.. yes you would, and that you would have no way to get there.. the military would more than likely send your then H home to help you, and the 2 of you would fly on the military's dime to Japan. You'd take the patriot express out of Sea-Tac. I hope you'll change your mind at least about lying to your siblings, and at least see that you do have options other than a JOP and lies. I know that people will do what they want, and it's their mistake to make (the lies, not the wedding).Also, Beach, Shan and GGirl, are exactly right, if you think they'll be so understanding, tell them now, be up front and honest. Rather than lie to all of them for a year. And you say you'll actually tell them, but really? IF, and that's a big IF, you can manage to keep in under wraps for a year, and then your VR/PPD goes off without a hitch, given the opportunity, wouldn't you still chose to keep it a secret? If you're afraid of dealing with backlash now, just imagine how it'll be in a year, or more when they find out. And why does no one ever stop to consider that even most civilians know that base housing is for military families, not SM and their GF's/SO/ or FI? An engaged couple does not qualify for base housing. End of Story. I knew that even before I joined the military, and then married my AD H. Maybe I was just an intelligent thinking person.. Bottom line, no one will condone lying to your family and friends. At least no one on this board with an iota of class and a moral compass..

Anyway.. thats my novel.. for now.

ggirl2001

I literally just LOL'd.  You are telling half your siblings but not the other half?  That's great if you think its the right thing to do, all anyone here is saying is that lying will make it worse WHEN they do find out that your "wedding" wasn't really your wedding.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:f0111cb6-b211-400b-86ab-564f31cbf2c1">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]I literally just LOL'd.  You are telling half your siblings but not the other half?  That's great if you think its the right thing to do, all anyone here is saying is that lying will make it worse WHEN they do find out that your "wedding" wasn't really your wedding.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That's just a recipe for a disaster. Your siblings will not appreciate being lied to sweeden. </div><div>
</div><div>How will you keep the siblings you'll be telling to keep their mouths shut about this? Some people don't like to lie, especially for somebody else. </div>

SamiJoeB

And another thing, did you even consider that they half you're telling would maybe in the year or whatever you're planning to keep your little secret, that they might let it slip. Your parents might get sick of the lies and tell them. You could slip and call your FI your H. I would think it would have been horrible to still have to introduce my Husband, and my FI. But I would never put myself in this stupid situation, so I wouldn't have to worry about that.

ggirl2001

Also, what do you think would make your siblings madder? You being married before them or you LYING about being married before them?

Beachy730

Yeah, only telling half of your siblings sounds like a recipe for disaster.  My mom is the oldest of 8 and they are very close.  Stories get spread within hours between the siblings, even when you say the obligatory "don't tell anyone."  It's just how it is.  So yeah, ummm, good luck with that.

msjenna519

firsttimersluck

I never realized how touchy this subject is. For everyone. Not saying anyone is sensitive or anything.. this is just ... it's a topic that only military brides really have to deal with, and it's amazing how across the board we are on the topic.

just a random observation I had never realized before.
okay, continue the debate. :P haha

msjenna519

In Response to <a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:ded1758f-ff1d-4caa-8fe3-bac8703ad85b">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
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katelyn26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:3395c813-4810-434b-92d8-c8cf1c358d52">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : I didn't either until TK. I don't understand why people have such a problem with a JOP and a big wedding later. I see were they would feel lied to but I think the couple would have valid reasons (deployment, basic). Where does it stop? What about people that get divorced and later remarry someone else? Would they not go to their wedding because they already said "til death do us part" to someone else and "lied".  
Posted by msjenna519[/QUOTE]
Love this! great point!

SamiJoeB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:3395c813-4810-434b-92d8-c8cf1c358d52">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : I didn't either until TK. I don't understand why people have such a problem with a JOP and a big wedding later. I see were they would feel lied to but I think the couple would have valid reasons (deployment, basic). Where does it stop? What about people that get divorced and later remarry someone else? Would they not go to their wedding because they already said "til death do us part" to someone else and "lied".  
Posted by msjenna519[/QUOTE]


Did you read anything that anyone said? No one has a problem with a JOP and a VR later. What we have a problem with is the lies that come with it, and I personally don't understand how anyone can feel okay bout denying thier spouse.. And It's not a big wedding, it's a VOW RENEWAL, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY MARRIED. Like I said before, If you feel okay starting your marriage out with a lie, a lie to your family and your friends, by all means go for it. In my opinion that is morally wrong, and tacky, if you want to tacky up what should be one of the most important and wonderful days of your life with lies, that's your business, but most of the girls on here aren't going to applaud you for it. Just like I'm sure you're families won't applaud you for your lies.  I could have JOP'd to get stationed with my H instead of spending the last 2 years apart (including our entire first year of marriage), but I didn't because I wanted a wedding, with our families.

Immature and selfish people will justify whatever they want, lying, cheating, stealing, whatever. Deployment, and Basic are not good reasons to justify lying to your loved ones. Does being married make basic go by any faster? Does it make his deployment any shorter? Does it even guarantee that he will come home safely? No. It doesn't. Really, all it can do is make sure that you are notified in any emergency, which chances are, you would have been anyway. But by all means, lie to your loved ones, because you got to have your cake and eat it too.

As for your divorce argument. Lame. There is an entirely new set of etiquette dealing with 2nd and 3rd and so on, marriages. Someone else said that a couple who JOP'd and lied should still get gifts because they are paying for thier guests food. I would gladly tell said lying couple to take the money they will save from me and my H not coming (he feels the same way about this issue), and put that towards a book or better yet lessons on what is right and wrong, what is moral, and what is sneaky and underhanded. I am prior service, I took my core values seriously, had I felt that JOP was my only option, I would have had the Honor, Courage, and Commitment, to tell my loved ones that I was married in a private ceremony choosing not to invite anyone but our witnesses, But I guess I took my commitment to my country and my Husband seriously.

Beachy730

Wow msjenna, did you at least wave at this thread as it sailed right over your head? You couldn't sound more ignorant about this conversation if you tried. Not one poster has said anything is wrong with a JOP and PPD vow renewal later, if anything we said it wasn't for us. The issue that people like me have with it is lying to your loved ones and hiding the fact that you're already married. There is absolutely no correlation between that and a divorcee getting married again. But nice try, at least you got Katelyn to think you made sense.

duggan12

You are getting really good advice. I do have to say Dnbeach always as really good advice and I appreciate her posts. This wasnt an option for us, but a really good friend of mine did and she regrets it every day. Caused a lot of pain in the family and im not saying more importantly but it ended up being on of the major factors in ruining her marriage. Just something to think about.

ggirl2001

My fiance and I could have done JOP and vow renewal later, and we considered it, however decided it wasn't for us. We're getting married this summer. He's currently deployed. But hey, weird, I'm already moved down to where he is stationed, got a job, and an apartment. ALL WITHOUT BEING MARRIED. I think it is absolute B.S. talking about needing to get married because of deployments, health insurance, money etc. If you're so worried about those that you feel the need to LIE about your wedding, then you probably aren't ready to be married.

msjenna519

shan87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:20177dc8-4ac4-4d20-8c64-6138770a88f0">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]All you ladies have to remember that there is no right or wrong answer to this problem.....<strong>This is something that the couple as a whole has to sit and talk about and pray about</strong>....Which my FI and I did this was not easy for either of us and we are not trying to jump the gun in any of this if it was up to us we would just have the one wedding in Sept but we decided that for us as a couple this was a step that we needed to take...Its just what is right for us everyone situation is different and has different factors....as for the siblings I will think about it...I see your point but there are key factors that no one knows about that weight my decision....... In the end this topic is different for everyone.... And no matter what is decided in the long run this will not be the biggest issues that everyone faces in life.....
Posted by sweeden224[/QUOTE]

Keep praying about it. You will not find any spritual belief that believes lying is right. and yes, What you are doing is lying.
Doing the right thing is almost never the easiest option. Something that you should think long and hard about.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:ed32c776-ac38-4bd4-82f1-a63fafef1e0d">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]I get your point, I really do. All I was trying to say was that I was part of a wedding like the OP asked about and people weren't upset. We didn't feel lied to. Not everyone will feel that way so I feel flaming her is wrong. Just because it's not the way you would do it doesn't mean their way isn't okay too.  Agree to disagree.
Posted by msjenna519[/QUOTE]

<div>This was your friend, not your family.  Do you know for a fact that the family didn't have a problem with it?  Personally, I would much rather err on the side of caution when it comes to hurting the ones I love.  </div><div>
</div><div>All I know is that my Papa was ridiculously happy at my wedding, and had tears in his eyes as he told me he happy he was to still be around to witness his first grandchild get married.  If I had been married all along and lying to him, I would have felt like the biggest piece of sh!t on earth.  But that's because I have strong family values and morals  which would never let me lie to those I love about being married.  I'm sorry, if you're going to lie for months or a year about it, you can't be foolish enough to think that means you have family values, or that the answer came to you through prayer.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  And not one person has yet to answer the question asked multiple times.  If you are so sure that your family would understand your reasoning for doing it and lying to them, why wouldn't you just tell them from the beginning what you are doing?</div>

msjenna519

ggirl2001

Again, the question hasn't been answered. If the family "doesn't care" then why the secret??

msjenna519

SamiJoeB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:ac01bcf5-3142-4e98-ba43-62f763065fc8">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't poll the wedding guests but I'm close with the family and the group of friends is very close knit. Honestly, I did not hear one bad remark about their decision. I do remember hearing that some people thought it was neat that the couple had a "secret" from everyone else. It was never thought of as a lie. Like I said before, I never thought there was anything wrong with their decision until TK. I guess that was because my only RL experience was positive. I understand it wasn't something you wanted to do but it may work for others.  I don't think this is any reflection on family values. For example, when BF's family brought up marriage and wedding plans (no we aren't planning yet, but he has a ring and it's only a matter of time),<strong> they thought we should get married twice</strong>. Two full blown weddings, one in WA where we are stationed and where his family lives and one in OH where I am from. I brought the idea up to my family and they loved it. They wanted to take care of all the planning in Ohio and not everyone in Ohio would have known about the first wedding. Problem was we thought it was too much, we didn't want to do all that traveling and in the end it would be more expensive. We will be paying for everything so that decision falls on us. I guess what I'm saying is there isn't one "right" way. Whether you have a JOP and keep it a secret, tell everyone or go the more traditional route, it's up to the couple. I realize that we aren't going to see eye to eye on this but that is no reason to question my commit to my country or my service.
Posted by msjenna519[/QUOTE]

You can only get married once. Yes, you can get a divorce, marry someone else, marry the same person again, but that would be marrying them again. You sign papers once.  You're having 1 wedding and 1 VR. I'm curious how are you deciding who is important enough to get to attend your real wedding? and then who are your back up guests attending your VR, I think what you are doing is tacky and selfish, You are implying that YOU are so important that you should have 2 big parties, and I'm pretty sure you'll expect gifts from both.  I question your commitment to your core values, because as a SM I could never have said it was okay to lie about anything as important as my marriage. I could never have denied that my H was my H and call him my FI. I guess my commitment followed through into my personal life, and I didn't just leave it behind the flight line when I got off work. I was a sailor 24/7, not just when it was convenient to me.

And no, I'm pretty sure the question about your family being okay with it was for Sweeden because she insists that her family will be okay with it, but yet she still wants to lie about her marriage to her family. If they are so okay with it, then why not be honest in the first place?

msjenna519

In Response to <a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:7b633493-ad9d-4a63-8169-2d50dea90102">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
<blockquote class="Quote"><div class="QuoteText">
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katelyn26

I'm just wondering why everyone feels so strongly about this when she said there are personal reasons that weigh on her decision that no one else knows about? Maybe we can just agree to disagree and help her with anything else she needs help with.

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_im-new-but-quick-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:7815a624-ae0b-44d2-a420-77a187a774e6Post:4b72ca28-5a43-46c9-baed-b4814da7577c">Re: Im new, but I have a quick question!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im new, but I have a quick question! : It wasn't my idea to have two weddings (I say wedding because that is how they looked at it, two full blown ceremonies and parties). It was BF's family. Their idea was one wedding in WA with all BF's family and one in OH with all my family. I think it was to save money in traveling. We both have huge families. In the end that's not what we would want for the reasons I stated. My point with that story is that everyone has different ideas on how a wedding can be and there isn't just one "right" way. I understand you think it's this big conspiracy and lie but to me it just seems like a "secret" between a couple. That doesn't mean my moral compass is off. I just believe people do things that are best for their situation and who am I to judge.<strong> Again, this situation has no bearing on my commitment as a soldier or my values as a person</strong>.
Posted by msjenna519[/QUOTE]
Actually, it does.  As Soldiers, we promise to uphold the Army Values.  There is nothing in Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity and Personal Courage that says it's ok to secretly get married and lie to your family and friends about it.  As a matter of fact, it pretty much goes against every single one of those values. 

iluvmytxrgr

I have a friend who decided to secretly marry her FI before a deployment.  They only told 4 of us.  I was against it, but agreed to not tell anyone.  While visiting with her mom and grandma a couple weeks before the wedding, she called him her husband instead of fiance.  When they asked, she lied again and said she was just trying to get used to saying it.  She slipped up in small ways a few other times over those two weeks. 
At the rehersal dinner, her grandmother put it all together.  She was so hurt and upset, she had to be taken to the hospital.  She and several other members of both families refused to go to the "wedding" the next day since it was "all a fake anyway."  They went along with every thing as planned, but it wasn't the day they had dreamed of.  If you ask her today, she will tell you that was the biggest mistake of her life.
Their reasons for getting married earlier:
1) She could get all of his life insurance policies if anyting happened to him on deployment. - For those of you who don't know, a SM can list any person to receive their death benefits. It doesn't have to be a NOK.
2) He could move out of the bricks, get BAH and they could get a house together.  - They happened to be kicking E-4s out of the barraks at that time because they were in the process of building new ones and didn't have enough trailers for everyone.
3) She wanted to be able to get info from the FRG and such.  Hello, my name is TX.  I am involved in the FRG and could give her most info that she needed. 
None of their reasons were worth all of the pain they caused their family.  None of them. 

kyrgyzstan

Agreed with TX, especially her last point. All a service member has to do is change his Record of Emergency Data (RED). I am the recipient of everything if anything happens to FI.

SamiJoeB

TX and Stan are exactly right. I was on H page 2, and his SGLI beneficiary before we were even married.

In my experience, everyone that has pulled this particular shenanigan has ended up regretting it.

ESquared423

What is wrong with some of you people? Didn't Mama teach you that lying is bad? That's what it comes down to: a big, huge, fat lie. And there is just no getting around that fact, it's a blatant lie to all of your family and friends! Don't do it, OP!