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Not Engaged Yet

The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.

So as many of you may recall, the BF refuses to provide ANY details on when/if we'll get married and what he thinks about that. It makes me slightly (okay, really) crazy because I don't have the security of knowing that we're on the same path; that's really all I want, and I'd be happy with that until whenever.

BUT, in the last week, he's:

*  made several comments about "when we have kids..." while talking about finances

*  made a spread sheet (no joke) with graphs and charts about my potential earned income at a job I'd like to get while talking about extra money spent on tuition,vs.income, vs. earned income, vs. CHILDREN. (It may sound really weird, but it was totally adorable, and we talk about money a lot).

*  made some comment about how I probably wouldn't like to get engaged what with my huge crazy student teaching semester coming up. (I responded it'd be a relief to actually know what he was thinking--it'd make me MORE, not less productive)

....

AND:

I just sat down next to him on the couch and he was fiddling around on his laptop.  I said, hey, whatcha up to, and looked over at his computer. Normally, this is NOT a big deal at all. We do this all the time. He moves his computer away, but not before I glance at his page and it had diamonds in the address.

You know, like shiny sparkly diamonds...

So please tell me to get my head out of my butt, that he's going to buy me another pair of diamond earrings that come in a ring-sized box like last year (that should be illegal, btw), that he's not ever going to propose, and that I'll get a horse because I want one. Preferably a Percheron.  Because if I'm not getting something sparkly, I better get an awesome huge draft horse instead.

I'd be much less crazy if I just knew we were on the same page about our relationship status...

And now, for good measure, a picture of the engagement pony I would like:



«13

Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.

  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hmm, if TK were allowing me to quote you right now, I'd bold the part about an earring box the same size as a ring box being illegal. I agree with you. That's never happened to me, but if I were waiting for the ring and got a box of earrings, I'd be a bit bummed. Ok, more than a bit, lol.

    Is he not wanting to talk about marriage because he wants to surprise you? Or is it something like his parents had a bad marriage so he's afraid of that aspect of it? I don't understand why he'd be open to talking about children (a lifelong committment) but not marriage. Guys are so strange!
    -Ely

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Why does he refuse to talk about it?

    Try to keep a level head it could be any number of things! He still has to build a stable for the engagement pony - You would probably notice that by the way :)


  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Maybe he's looking for a diamond saddle for your engagement pony? 
    -Ely

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    He doesn't want to talk about it because he believes I should be 100% surprised.  It makes me grumpy that we're philosophically different about this because I think it should be a mutual decision and not catch me offguard.  I don't really like surprises.  Besides, we live together and have been together nearly three years... it can't be *that* much of a surprise. He's also never lived with a gal before and is 31, so hypothetically he's pretty serious about me.
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I could get a sparkly bridle studded with diamonds... that would look darn flashing in an arena.  And since Percherons are mostly all black... well, a shiny blinged-out black horse would be pretty dazzling.
  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:20fa545f-dcb7-4fe6-b8a6-d0ec21ff223c">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]He doesn't want to talk about it because he believes I should be 100% surprised.  It makes me grumpy that we're philosophically different about this because I think it should be a mutual decision and not catch me offguard.  I don't really like surprises.  Besides, we live together and have been together nearly three years... it can't be *that* much of a surprise. He's also never lived with a gal before and is 31, so hypothetically he's pretty serious about me.
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

    <div>Hmm, well maybe you could tell him that he can keep this a surprise and when you decide that you're ready for babies, that'll be a surprise for him! </div><div>ETA: He finds out when you present a stick with a little happy face on it.</div><div>
    </div><div>I wouldn't really do that, but he could at least give you something to work with. </div><div>
    </div>
    -Ely

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:857ce6ab-f2f4-4175-82df-9259da1bf514">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts. : Hmm, well maybe you could tell him that he can keep this a surprise and when you decide that you're ready for babies, that'll be a surprise for him!  I wouldn't really do that, but he could at least give you something to work with. 
    Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

    Hehehe!  I wish.  But I'd never do that to him. :P
  • kellyt89kellyt89 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think it would be good for you to know whether or not you're at least on the same page. It seems like you are since you're talking about kids but it would drive me INSANE to want to marry someone and not have them say *anything* about it.

    Have you ever told him how frustrated this makes you?
    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:6eca5125-f61b-4e3b-8ce1-eecbb5ee0431">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it would be good for you to know whether or not you're at least on the same page. It seems like you are since you're talking about kids but it would drive me INSANE to want to marry someone and not have them say *anything* about it. Have you ever told him how frustrated this makes you?
    Posted by kellyt89[/QUOTE]

    Yes x 1,000,000. The BF is an expert bean-dipper.
  • kellyt89kellyt89 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh man, you are a much more patient person than I! haha. That's infuriating.

    How long have you two been together? I feel like you've said here before but I forget.
    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We'll have been together three years in January. I'm 28, he's 31. We're not exactly spring chickens fresh out of the coop. I feel very rural all of a sudden. :P
  • edited December 2011
    He could easily be buying something with diamonds, such as earrings or a necklace, for Christmas! Try not to obsess, you'll ruin it for yourself!
    I do have to say that I think it's unhealthy that he won't discuss IF you are going to get married. Why won't he talk about it?
    5/27/12
    image
  • edited December 2011

    becunning I feel for you! My BF doesn't really like to talk about it either and is also great at changing the subject. I do know he wants to marry me but I have no freakin clue WHEN. He thinks it should be this huge surprise. It makes me feel like our relationship is weird sometimes because I feel like a lot of the other girls here have timelines and I don't.
    BTW that horse would look AMAZING in a sparkly saddle. It does sound like he's up to something. I totally agree with you on the ring sized box being illegal. A few months ago BF was obsessed with this online penny auction site. He ended up getting me pearl earrings for a penny and told me. So when they arrived (in a ring sized black box) he got down on his knee as a joke. If he hadn't told me about the earrings I would have had a goddamn heart attack!

     




  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Again, he thinks I should be 100% surprised and that since he lives with me, he's serious about where the relationship is going. 

    It bothers me, a lot.  He's a funny, smart, caring guy... but he just doesn't seem to understand how unfair I find this no matter how I try to explain it.  And then I just get frustrated that he bean-dips me when I deserve a genuine answer about where our relationship is going.

    And then he goes off and makes those comments and I catch diamonds in a title, and if I KNEW where we were going, I'd be like, squee, okay, cool, moving along instead of "GAH! What could this MEAN?"  *sigh*

    Yesterday, he took my hand oh-so-lovingly and kissed me on the cheek and said he really wanted me to finish up with finals so we could spend quality time together.  And he's been super huggy/kissy/cuddly lately.
  • IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:5fcf3d0f-34fb-4015-8498-93c7f9708258">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]becunning I feel for you! My BF doesn't really like to talk about it either and is also great at changing the subject. I do know he wants to marry me but I have no freakin clue WHEN. He thinks it should be this huge surprise. It makes me feel like our relationship is weird sometimes because I feel like a lot of the other girls here have timelines and I don't. BTW that horse would look AMAZING in a sparkly saddle. It does sound like he's up to something. I totally agree with you on the ring sized box being illegal. A few months ago BF was obsessed with this online penny auction site. He ended up getting me pearl earrings for a penny and told me. <strong>So when they arrived (in a ring sized black box) he got down on his knee as a joke. If he hadn't told me about the earrings I would have had a goddamn heart attack!</strong>
    Posted by leese19[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Leese, I would've killed him if he hadn't said something previously!! What a butt!!</div><div>
    </div><div>Becunning, Yeaaaaaah, he's totally looking at buying a diamond encrusted toilet seat :-P Random. I know, but it was the most off the wall thing I could think of lol</div>
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @ Leese:  My BF left the box out, I think, so I would peek in it.  (He knows me too well). So I knew what it was before he gave it to me, but I about fell over when I walked in the closet and saw it sitting on his dresser.  I'd have wanted to smack him even if I knew they were pearl earrings.

    OOOH, I forgot to mention, when we were talking about school, we were talking about me being Dr. My Last Name, which is pretty much Bad Arse for those of you who know it.  Then he responded with: Dr. His Last Name.  His eyes twinkled.  There was a long, long, long pause before he says, "You know... like my grandpa!"

    @Irish:  Yay for diamond studded toilet seats!  I think that'd be really, really uncomfortable.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:cc3ded6e-1b33-4735-b138-d1565b52fa46">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Again, he thinks I should be 100% surprised and that since he lives with me, he's serious about where the relationship is going.  It bothers me, a lot.  He's a funny, smart, caring guy... <strong>but he just doesn't seem to understand how unfair I find this no matter how I try to explain it.</strong>  And then I just get frustrated that he bean-dips me when I deserve a genuine answer about where our relationship is going. And then he goes off and makes those comments and I catch diamonds in a title, and if I KNEW where we were going, I'd be like, squee, okay, cool, moving along instead of "GAH! What could this MEAN?"  *sigh* Yesterday, he took my hand oh-so-lovingly and kissed me on the cheek and said he really wanted me to finish up with finals so we could spend quality time together.  And he's been super huggy/kissy/cuddly lately.
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

    To the bolded part, I agree, it's not fair. It seems that a lot of guys feel they can rightfully have that upper hand with engagements. I have talked to a few friends about this before actually.

    To the rest, it reminds me a lot of FI. He would constantly make comments like that and drive me BSC. Guys can be cruel without knowing it lol.
    5/27/12
    image
  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:a83095a0-6974-48f6-82d6-83b3ca3a09ca">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]@ Leese:  My BF left the box out, I think, so I would peek in it.  (He knows me too well). So I knew what it was before he gave it to me, but I about fell over when I walked in the closet and saw it sitting on his dresser.  I'd have wanted to smack him even if I knew they were pearl earrings. <strong>OOOH, I forgot to mention, when we were talking about school, we were talking about me being Dr. My Last Name, which is pretty much Bad Arse for those of you who know it.  Then he responded with: Dr. His Last Name.  </strong>His eyes twinkled.  There was a long, long, long pause before he says, "You know... like my grandpa!" @Irish:  Yay for diamond studded toilet seats!  I think that'd be really, really uncomfortable.
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>Haha, you would have a pretty sweet name that way. I think Dr. Your Last Name is way cooler than Dr. His Last Name, lol. Are you going to take his last name, when you get to that point? I've heard a lot of times when people are Dr's, they keep their maiden name because that's what all of their other degrees are in. </div>
    -Ely

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @Elannis:  I don't know.  I do know he'd want me to.  But hey, he's made me wait this long and I have a darn awesome last name. I'm rather attached to it.  We'll cross that bridge if he ever gets around to proposing.
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @Yaga & Leese:  Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.  It's so frustrating, and it is kind of an upper hand/power thing.  Why does the guy get all the "power" in this kind of setting?  I call B.S.  *stomps foot*
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-aflutter-nuts-long-rambly-nuts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:01ac9185-7d8f-449d-a675-ff946a73be04Post:e77c5711-4f04-4582-8f88-f7eb7ed53a95">Re: The boyfriend makes me all aflutter... and nuts. LONG. Rambly. Nuts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]@Yaga & Leese:  Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.  It's so frustrating, and it is kind of an upper hand/power thing.  Why does the guy get all the "power" in this kind of setting?  I call B.S.  *stomps foot*
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. I basically had to set FI straight and explain that I was not that type of person to just sit back and let him make big decisions for our life alone. In the end he came to me when he was ready to purchase the ring and asked for my help. Glad I got through to him, lol.
    5/27/12
    image
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I love your engagment horse!!  It makes me so happy.  It sucks that he won't talk about it.  That would drive me nuts.  You must really love him, I don't think I would have that kind of patients!  I admire you.
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I do really love him. Grumpasaurus that he can be, Uptight Lecturer that he can be, Easily Offended yet Dishes Crap all the Time that he can be, everytime he grins and his eyes twinkle and he gets his little eye crinkles and he laughs, I totally melt.  Even after three years. I love that his hair is thinning, that he has grey in his beard, and that he has this weird long hair in his eyebrow that curls upward all mad scientist like. I love how caring he is to others (he's the type to go shovel a friend's driveway who is out of town after a snowstorm). He's too cute for his own good. *Sigh*
  • edited December 2011
    It's nice to know I'm not alone too! It's unbelievably frustrating sometimes. I think your BF truly is thinking about marrying you the way he's been talking lately though. :)
     




  • edited December 2011
    I think it's the toilet seat...nothing says classy like a diamond studded seat on your shitter!  You should make sure that you put it in the guest bath and have a party ASAP after install so that all your friends and neighbors know that you are so classy!

    Okay serious face:  While I think that it is cute that he wants to surprise you when the time comes, I think that it is a bit silly to act like he can't talk about it, especially when he is dropping hints left and right about kids and such.  That is so contradicting!

    Also, am I the only one who thinks that it is totally adorable for a guy to go and pick or design a ring all by himself?  Okay with maybe a little guidance (color of metal, certain shapes of stones you want or do not want) is good, that is what BF had.  I got 2 different rings (I was married before and BF and I were engaged for a bit), I didn't have any say in.  They were both great rings, the setting was a little high on the first, but otherwise it was a very nice ring that he had custom designed and got lots of compliments.  When BF and I discussed he was set on wanting to get me something as a sign of his love, I was totally okay with that as long as it was not a lot like the one I had before (which he had seen, he was with me when I picked it up from having it checked and cleaned before selling it).  We talked a lot about alternative stones, but he was not a fan and I was okay with whatever he wanted to get.  He did awesome...I really miss having it, especially with all the marriage talks we've been having lately.  :/
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Dwest- My FI did that.  I just send him so pictures of things I liked and he picked out the perfect ring for me :)  I thought it was totally cute too!
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • doubleSS07doubleSS07 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ugh BF was the same way with me...wouldn't give anything away. We had several conversations over the last 2 years that went from I'm not sure I want to, maybe I want to, I want to but not yet lol like pulling teeth he was so scared to talk about it. 5 months ago I kinda stepped up so to speak and instead of stumbling around the conversation scared to "push" him I just told him marriage is important to me and necessary if we had a future together. I told him I understood if he wasn't sure about the idea of marriage but that I would then need to rethink the relationship and it's viability if we didn't agree. I'd been patient for over 3 years and not gettin any younger at 32. Must have made him think hard or something because 2 weeks later he wanted to ring shop. I'm not sure if you'll ever get that reassurance you want and deserve but I know how bad it sucks just wondering if you are even on the same page. Sounds like maybe he's movin in a promising direction though! However that was one pretty pony maybe he can wear the blinged toilet seat like a special winners wreath lol


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  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I <3 the blinged-out toilet seat as a wreath for my one-day Percheron. Swanky!

    I don't like the idea of BF picking something out. I have to wear it, for a really long time.  I'd like some say in such a large purchase. What if I don't like it?  I'm picky about jewelry.
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ugh cunning, I hear you. Granted, it is not the same, because my BF has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (which really, yours clearly does because his actions speak for themselves, so why can't he just not be cruel for two seconds and confirm that through speech?!), but then he had that freak out and was basically like, "Wait! Not ready, please hold indefinitely," and then some conversations came up this weekend that ended in him saying, "I have no idea where we will be in two years, but it's not like I'm going to tell you my plan because then what would be the point?" Le sigh. He just doesn't get it.

    Nice horse though. I almost hope you get that instead of the ring. :)
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