How do you have *that* conversation?

tulaq

Seems like most people on here either are actually engaged or aren't but have some kind of agreement with their bf that they will be soon...I have neither. He graduated last year, I'm graduating this year, he's almost 26, and I'm feeling ready (we've been together three years and have lived together)...I just feel like it's awkward to say "so I'm hoping you'll propose soon..." How did you have that conversation? (Or, if you didn't, why not?) And where do you think the line is between letting him in on your feelings on the subject and being pushy?

Tempest419

before I sit and think out a response... you should DEFINITELY shrink the pic in your siggy. It's adorable, but it's also huge, and there are definitely people who will flame you for it.

Tempest419

Ok... I think the best way to talk to him about it would be to work  it into another conversation. You say he recently graduated, and you're graduating next year, so I'm assuming you have the occasional conversation about post-grad plans. Next time that happens, just casually ask where he sees you guys in a few years. It'll be less intimidating than if you sat him down for a talk specifically about your relationship, and it might be easier for both of you to be honest about your feelings/plans if you're talking about it in that same "future possibility" vein, rather than as something that needs to happen immediately. That said, you should still be honest about how you feel. I'm in a bit different situation- my bf and I have known for a while now that we want to get married shortly after I finish college (I'm a junior now). I was getting edgy recently because I felt like I couldn't talk about my post-college plans with anyone because I didn't want to tell the whole world we're getting married when we really only had a very vague plan. I basically just told him that it was kind of annoying now, but that if I had to start my senior year w/out being able to talk about the following year, that would be a big problem, so he agreed we should get engaged by next summer. I find that guys (or at least my guy) are surprisingly willing to talk about it if you are calm and honest and fairly rational, instead of letting the frustration build into some big emotional outburst.

tulaq

Thanks! Sorry about the pic, it was supposed to be small but oh well, I think I've deleted it for now.  I am going to try to have some sort of conversation about it...it's just that hints don't work, we've talked about having kids, we've talked about moving cross-country together...but engagement just doesn't come up! Grrrrrr.

Button5807

Early on in the relationship we had the lets make sure we're on the same page talk to find out if we were both even interested in marriage and kids. A couple of years later we were able to bring that conversation up "hey remember when...." and sort of go off of there to see if we were still on the same page. If you're worried about be able just say "where do you see this going in the next few years" and coming off as pushy you might want to reevaluate your communication skills.

prettynpink81

When I had "the talk" with my bf, we were casually having dinner at home. We were watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 , before there drama..and My bf said I would never get myself in that type of situation..I asked him to clarify and he did and the talk was on it's way from there. just be aware of your enviroment, if ya'll watch the tube or even read the newspaper together there are tons of conversation starters in front of you. We both felt so much better after the conversation and about the way it happened. Nothing pushy just light conversation that turned into "the talk"

notquiteblushing

I think we just knew. The way you do about a good melon.

Button5807

NQB for the WHMS reference I'd like to propose to you.

notquiteblushing

Get in line girl, I'm taken!  :-)

Button5807

*le sigh*Must I take a number or can I just stand here?

notquiteblushing

I love WHMS.  I'll tell FI he has competition and he may need to step it up a notch. 

Button5807

Whoo hoo!Maybe I'll step it up too.*starts looking for giants tickets*

notquiteblushing

Oh nice!  I would love to go to another game this year but we got spoiled last year with two games.  I like watching football at home though.  You get the commentary and your own snacks.  Plus it's not murder cold.  You watch the game yesterday?  3-0 baby!

Button5807

As much as I love being 3-0 the blowout yesterday was kind of boring to watch. I ended up flipping over to the Jets game b/c it was more exciting and I hate the Jets.

notquiteblushing

Oh wow I flipped too!  But I like the Jets.  They're my backup team when no one else is on.  Also I used to love Chad Pennington back in the day before he started to suck.

tulaq

well thanks everyone! sounds like most people did it in a more casual way, I'll try to somehow make that direct also since bf loathes hints.

noelle24

Haha.  Talk about a threadjacking! Tempest had good suggestions.  He graduated and you're graduating.  Now is a perfect time to just sit down and talk about where you both see yourselves in 5 years.  It shouldn't be "Hey, do you want to marry me? I need to know now!!", but you should be able to get a general idea of where both of you stand.I can understand being a little unsure of how to broach a topic like this.  But if you're really worried he'll take it the wrong way, or you'll get pushy, then perhaps you aren't quite there yet as a couple. 

Button5807

I'm not sure why but when they kicked Pennington out for Favre I got this big soft spot for him, so when it came over the wire today that he was out for the season I made a big sad face.

tulaq

ahh back on subject thanks. Like I said, the future talk is great and all but hasn't lead to the marriage talk - it has lead to the kids talk and the forever talk...we're really just missing the right vocabulary...*sigh* maybe I should be content with that for now.

Button5807

I wish I could come up with a football metaphore for your situation so it's not a massive threadjack lolI'm not sure why you can't just take a conversation about forever or kids and switch gears.Like, you know what would be great before having kids? Getting married.

noelle24

Well, if you've had the future talk, and he said he wants kids and sees that future for the two of you.  Then I think it's pefectly fine to say "Oh, well, what age do you think you'd like to have kids/get married?".  And things can go from there. My FI and I did something like that.  We were talking about how saw ourselves together for the long haul, and having kids.  We talked about if/when we wanted kids, and that led to a discussion about when we wanted to get married.  I may have even said something like "Hey, no pressure or anything, but when do you see getting married? Is there anything you'd like to do first (like get out of grad school)?" We just have a very open and honest relationship.  I was a little worried that he might feel pressured, but I told him that.  Since my FI and I are both planners (as in, we like to have a life plan for at least the next couple years), it worked well for us. It was a great way to work on our communication skills.

tulaq

Good thoughts...I will have to stop being a giant chicken and try to broach the subject, because as little as I care about being engaged rightnowsoonomg I would really feel more secure knowing that we were both thinking about it happening at some point.

jeanacorina

Like, you know what would be great before having kids? Getting married.That's something I'd totally say.Anywho. I don't remember how we got onto the topic. I am pretty blunt, so it was probably something like "Hi, nice to meet you. I love the pink armor, you really pull that off well. So, what do you want out of life? Career? Marriage? Kids? In what order? What's most important? How do you feel about your wife staying home to raise the kids? How do you feel about birth control? How do you feel about advancing in your career by sacrificing time with your family? When is a good time for me to check back with you about taking this relationship to the next level?"I don't mess around. I want marriage, babies, career AFTER babies are in school, and a guy who will be a major part of my childrens' lives. Uhh... I also don't want 12 kids.So, my advice is take a deep breath and ask him how he feels about marriage, and if that is where he sees this going. Leave my other questions for later, because I can do that and look energetic and straightforward. Most girls just look crazy if they play it like I do... and you don't want to look crazy.

tiiiffffff

I think if you've had the forever and kids talk then you should be able to just start a conversation about marriage and engagement. Pretty early on my BF and I had the I love you and I want to be with you forever talk. Then I think randomly one day I said I wanted to compare our 5 year plans. He laughed, but told me exactly where he pictured our lives going. Engaged this summer (which has turned into a sometime soon), Wedding next summer, Babies maybe 2 years after, followed by purchasing our 2nd house. After the first conversation it gets easier to talk about also. Plans of course change, but it is nice knowing we are on the same page with these things. If you've been together for 3 years I don't think he's going to freak out on you for simply asking if he has any idea when he wants to get married or if he's thought about it at all. And I don't think it's being pushy until you say something like "I need a ring by the end of the month and it better be 2ct or that's it"You'll be fine.

my2geldings

For me and my bf, we had both talked about our future together and what we wanted in it. We both discussed what our current goals were and where we wanted to be. We both brought up OUR future together and where we wanted THAT to be. Tho we had discussed things dozens of times, things sank in, when I took the step forward(or maybe it was him)and I casually and tacktfully grabbed his hand and took him into a jewellery store. As soon as we walked into there he grinned and took over from there. He went ahead and asked questions and he asked for my finger to be sized etc etc.The rest is history.Start up a conversation about where you want to be with your future, where he wants to be with is. Does he see a future with the 2 of you? go from there.Good Luck

tulaq

Wow guys, thanks for all the input! We are busily trying to decide on logistics for a possible cross-country move together next summer so I think I could likely slip something in during one of those conversations...

tulaq

PS Jeana....I am usually just your type and almost painfully forward and blunt but I still have the weird fairy-tale idea about the woman just never mentioning anything and the guy just popping out a solitaire at some point because he's so madly in love...So in any case, I don't think you sound crazy at all I'm just chicken because marriage is such a big scary topic.

jeanacorina

Well, I have found that the whole never talking about it and just waiting for it to happen magically thing doesn't always work. Guys are just as nervous as we are about it, and they don't want to ask before they know you'll say yes.My FI even ASKED me one day "So..... if I propose to you.... you'll say yes, right?" Way to be smooth.Talking about it is a good thing, and you seem to know that. Just keep it in the back of your mind. The right moment will present itself, whether it's during a talk about moving or while watching TV. Just lay things on the table, and it'll be fine. It sounds like you guys are pretty serious, so the thought of marriage has probably crossed his mind already. You probably just need to hear him say that.

Moiramab

I was all like "I'm sure as hell not gettin hitched in 2013, son you beddah perpose soon!"I kid haha. The "general" topics come up a lot in our conversations, sort of like yours with the kids, forevers, living together, etc. The timeline actually came up when he was doing a project for his economics class ("Plan the next 50 years" thing). That was my in, and I helped plan most of it in the most realistic way possible, and it turned into our tenative plans.Sadly, he changed the end before he turned it in so he could order his New Russian Bride and die in a fiery car crash in a very sexy midlife crisis car.

cath3888

With my BF, we both knew that the relationship was getting more serious.  We were living together last summer and during that time, I think it became more clear to us.  We had "the talk" somewhat awkwardly.  We were out to dinner with some friends of ours who had just gotten married and we were asking them how married life is.  Then BF asked, "So...if Cathy and I got married when she was in law school...".  I didn't even hear the end of the question.  When we got home that night, it was on, haha.I asked, "So, um, what was that about at dinner?" And he played all cool, "What do you mean?"  So then I finally said, "Well if you're going to bring that up in mixed company, you're going to bring it up with me!"  And then we had the talk.  It was cute.

traciecook

Our "talk" wasn't really a talk. Last Christmas we were shopping for a present for his mom and stopped in a jewelry store that was going out of business. While we were in there I looked at the engagement rings and he came over to ask my a question he saw what I was looking at and asked if they were good deals. He ended up buying one the next day, but he still hasn't proposed yet (I shouldn't know, but he is really bad about keeping secrets) I know it's coming because we already decided on Fall 2011 wedding when he is done with school.Also, if it were me, I would want to be engaged before deciding on a cross country move with someone.