How do you have *that* conversation?

noelle24

I still have the weird fairy-tale idea about the woman just never mentioning anything and the guy just popping out a solitaire at some point because he's so madly in loveI really hate fairy-tales for this.  This has to be one of the dumbest ideas ever invented if you want a happy marriage. You NEED to talk about these things before you get married to know you are both on the same page.  There's a reason fairy-tales end once the couple rides off into the sunset.  No one wants to hear how Snow White conked Prince Charming over the head with a frying pan because he wouldn't pull his weight around the house or drive the kids to soccer practice.

Button5807

No one wants to hear how Snow White conked Prince Charming over the head with a frying pan because he wouldn't pull his weight around the house or drive the kids to soccer practice.Haha my coffee just came out of my nose.

alianne87

So Prince Charming must be a man-ho because doesn't he hook up with every fairy tale princess?

Pirata13

Definitely have the talk re: what you both see for your future. Do this before you move cross-country.  It is really scary, but if you're not broaching it as "when are we getting married", you'll be fine.  "You know, we've been together 3 years and we've talked about some pretty important things. But now that I am about to graduate, I'd like to talk about what we both want for our future."  I have friends who are anti-marriage but bought a house together and have been together a long time. Marriage isn't for them and they are both OK with that. But that would never work for FI & I. Make sure you both want the same things. FI & I have had several discussions about all the important things. I even revisited the children issue (we aren't having any) because friends of mine were having some problems, and I think it was due to the fact that one gave into the other when they really didn't want kids. I asked FI again if he was really ok with not having them, because I didn't want either of us to give in on something and have it ruin our relationship. Point being, you have to talk to him and make sure that engagement/marriage is something you BOTH want.

Acrosthec

Actually, Prince Charming was Cinderella.  Prince Eric was Ariel.  Aladdin was Jasmine.  The Beast was Belle (referred to as Prince Adam in other Disney literature, but never in the movie).  Prince Phillip was Sleeping Beauty.  Annnnnd...Prince Ferdinand for Snow White, though they do often refer to him as Charming as well.::goes and hides in corner with her Disney nerdiness, though in all fairness I *did* have to look up Snow White and to see whether the Beast had a real name::

tulaq

So...I brought it up last night, he has told me that he wants kids before he's 30 - which is 4 years - and we have agreed that a 3-4 year time line would be good for both of us, so I mentioned (thanks Jeana) that I need to be married pre-kids.  He's a thinker so he didn't really say much about it - usually when I present big ideas I wait a couple of weeks to hear back - but I feel better having put the big M word out there.

notquiteblushing

I'm glad you guys talked.  Now try and be patient.  :-)

alianne87

Further input from the peanut gallery: I talked to BF last night whilst looking at ads for offroading trucks about why he wants so many toys and does he plan on just upgrading toys for the rest of his life or are we getting married ever. I cleaned it up and made it sound better than that, of course. I expressed to him that I like all these things that we do as much as he does, but I ALSO want to get married, just like we've been talking about for months. I tried to make it sound nice, I really did, but he just got pissy with me and didn't really give me an answer one way or the other. I have no idea what to think. Either he still wants this but wants it to be his idea, or he has changed his mind and is just stringing me along. I have no doubt that he loves me, but I really want to know what's going on in my life.

oceana919

We moved in together after about 6 months together, and we had "the discussion" about a month before that. It basically started out as, "so, where do you see this relationship going" and progressed from there. Sure, it was initially awkward bringing it up, but once the conversation started, we were able to get a pretty clear idea of where we stood, where we were going, and what we wanted. Like, BF wants to start having kids by his mid 30s (in 2-3 years). I want to be married and have at least a year of pre-baby fun before we start working on babies. We also have medical issues that could impact our family planning schedule. So that kind of laid out a tentative "timeline" for us. It's flexible enough that we can roll with what life throws at us, but we still have a sense of where we're heading and at what pace we're heading there.

jeanacorina

...but he just got pissy with me and didn't really give me an answer one way or the other. I have no idea what to think. Either he still wants this but wants it to be his idea, or he has changed his mind and is just stringing me along. I have no doubt that he loves me, but I really want to know what's going on in my life.Dude, first of all, I think you have every right to want clarification about his intentions in the near future, and you SHOULD talk about your goals.However, when your BF gets "pissy" it usually means that he doesn't want to think about it. Maybe talking about getting married is all well and good, but he's not ready to sacrifice his lifestyle to get the ball rolling. And that's what it takes. Unless you're foregoing a ring and heading to the courthouse some Tuesday afternoon on lunch break (which is totally okay!), a wedding costs money. That's money that can't be spent on ATV's and XBox 360's (I told my FI that he could have a 360 AFTER he proposed, and we did get one last month).If he's not responding well to that idea, then he's not ready to get married. You need to consider that. Is that okay with you? How long are you willing to wait? It could be a while. I waited 4 years.If he was really ready to take steps toward getting married, he would do so. He would not get upset about the subject. Give him time and enjoy things as they are.

letyourselfgo

My guy and I began talking casually about whether we were even interested in marriage+kids in the semi-not-so-distant future recently. Now that we both know that we're amenable to that, I'm content to let things ride. There's no hurry, IMO.