Not Engaged Yet

Help..?

2

Re: Help..?

  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:1455d112-eec1-42c8-9222-38106b2181ef">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : I honestly wish people would quit assuming that. While I am young, I am very mature and I know that he loves me. While I cannot explain it, if I wasn't confident in my relationship with him, it wouldn't work. We wouldn't be together.
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    Well the way you are talking is contradicting everything you just said.


    ETA: And guess what a lot of us responding are young as well
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:1af19141-fb54-41df-ad34-3ab3ef780d93">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Well the way you are talking is contradicting everything you just said. ETA: And guess what a lot of us responding are young as well
    Posted by luvdncn90[/QUOTE]

    <div>Because I admit that I am insecure about myself?</div>
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:1455d112-eec1-42c8-9222-38106b2181ef">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : I honestly wish people would quit assuming that. While I am young, I am very mature and I know that he loves me. While I cannot explain it, if I wasn't confident in my relationship with him, it wouldn't work. We wouldn't be together.
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    I wasn't assuming anything until you said that you want to be engaged for the commitment. I'm 20 and my BF and I have been talking about marriage since I was 18 so I'm not judging you on your age I'm attempting to give you advice based off what you say. But if you just tell us about how mature you are every time you are given advice I'm going to start thinking you aren't mature and are just saying that you're mature.

    When you say that you want to be engaged for the commitment that leads me to think that you don't feel that your guy is completely committed to you or that you need the engagement to know that he wants to marry you. Either way it seems like an insecurity you have in your relationship, which isn't a bad thing, it's just something you should be honest about and talk to your BF. Pretending everything is perfect isn't going to benefit your situation.


  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:0a470451-ba2d-4242-853d-02498430433d">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Because I admit that I am insecure about myself?
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    You're saying you want that commitment but yet you're so sure about your guys relationship, you're saying you feel uncomfortable talking to him about this but yet you guys have been living like you're engaged since the beginning. I'm confused. If you are so confident about your relationship why is this commitment any different then the commitment of living together and starting a life together, simply because he hasn't proposed yet?

    You are assuming that we are making this about your age but that's not the case. It's the things you are saying that is making everyone wonder what you mean.
  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think what everyone's getting at is that having a sparkly on your finger doesn't necessarily make the two of you any more committed or your relationship any more valid.  It's just a very pretty (and often expensive) piece of jewelry.

    It sounds like the two of you have already talked about marriage and know you want to be married someday (or at least that you want to be together, since I got the impression that your BF was dubious about marriage) and him getting down on one knee and putting that ring on your finger doesn't really make that any more true.
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm not insecure about the relationship, I'm insecure about myself. He is legitimately the first person to look twice at me. Sometimes I ask him outright, "Why are you with me?" While I know in my head that he loves me (the secure and confident part), in my heart I am scared this is just another practical joke (yes, I had boys do 'joke dates' on me when I was younger). 

    Also, saying I am mature for my age doesn't automatically make me not mature. 
  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:6628bbe3-b0a5-4d64-af07-a543070c88b7">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not insecure about the relationship, I'm insecure about myself. He is legitimately the first person to look twice at me. Sometimes I ask him outright, "Why are you with me?" While I know in my head that he loves me (the secure and confident part), in my heart I am scared this is just another practical joke (yes, I had boys do 'joke dates' on me when I was younger).  Also, saying I am mature for my age doesn't automatically make me not mature. 
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    Ok, I don't think any of us have said you are insecure about your relationship. We are simply saying have an engagement ring does not make your relationship any more valid or any more commited then it is right now, so don't be in such a rush.

    And none of us have called you immature. Once again you're assuming. Which is making an ass out of u and me. ASS-U-ME
  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:6628bbe3-b0a5-4d64-af07-a543070c88b7">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not insecure about the relationship, <strong>I'm insecure about myself.</strong> He is legitimately the first person to look twice at me. Sometimes I ask him outright, "Why are you with me?" While I know in my head that he loves me (the secure and confident part), in my heart I am scared this is just another practical joke (yes, I had boys do 'joke dates' on me when I was younger).  Also, saying I am mature for my age doesn't automatically make me not mature. 
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    I understand exactly what this feels like.  I had an ex boyfriend cheat on me and I was really insecure about the whole thing, "what about me isn't good enough?" the whole thing.  When I got to be close friends with BF, he helped me change most of it.  I still struggle with it some days, and that's part of what keeps me from getting engaged.  I don't want it to be because I need proof that he's sticking around.  I'm not saying this is what you're doing, but being engaged isn't really any more difficult to break of than being in a relationship.  It's awkward, because you have to decide who gets the bling, but other than that it's pretty similar.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:6628bbe3-b0a5-4d64-af07-a543070c88b7">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not insecure about the relationship, I'm insecure about myself. He is legitimately the first person to look twice at me. Sometimes I ask him outright, "Why are you with me?" While I know in my head that he loves me (the secure and confident part), in my heart I am scared this is just another practical joke (yes, I had boys do 'joke dates' on me when I was younger).  Also, saying I am mature for my age doesn't automatically make me not mature. 
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    Whatever you want to call it there is an insecurity there and whether it's about yourself or the relationship it needs to be addressed because it will cause problems in your relationship if you don't work on it. All I'm saying is talk to your BF about the insecurities you have.

    Yes, saying you are mature for your age doesn't make you immature but 1) if you are mature you don't need to vocalize it, it will come through in your posts 2) most girls who come on here proclaiming they are mature for their age, aren't. So it's not going to win you any points to keep saying it, just post and respond in a mature manner and people will see that you are mature.

    Also, I don't see a need for you to be mature for your age. I'm not mature for my age. I'm at what is probably the average maturity for someone my age, which means when someone older than me (who probably has more experience than I do) gives me advice I don't just tell them I'm mature for my age, I listen to it. I don't have to do what they say but it is always helpful to have input from people who have more life experience than I do.


  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:0023f110-279b-47a0-9d7c-f50c633e6ae8">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Whatever you want to call it there is an insecurity there and whether it's about yourself or the relationship it needs to be addressed because it will cause problems in your relationship if you don't work on it. All I'm saying is talk to your BF about the insecurities you have. Yes, saying you are mature for your age doesn't make you immature but 1) if you are mature you don't need to vocalize it, it will come through in your posts 2) most girls who come on here proclaiming they are mature for their age, aren't. So it's not going to win you any points to keep saying it, just post and respond in a mature manner and people will see that you are mature. <strong>Also, I don't see a need for you to be mature for your age. I'm not mature for my age. I'm at what is probably the average maturity for someone my age, which means when someone older than me (who probably has more experience than I do) gives me advice I don't just tell them I'm mature for my age, I listen to it. I don't have to do what they say but it is always helpful to have input from people who have more life experience than I do.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
    </strong>
    Beth have I ever told you I love you. Well I do I love you hardcore. Yous sooooo smart and you give goods advice. (My typeos are on purpose) I know I'm creepy, but hey you are only in Colorado and I'm in Wyoming..... hehe
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    1. It has been said (or suggested) that I am not confident in my relationship.

    2. I'm not trying to prove I am mature, but I am. I had to be the adult of the house at the age of 9. And while I have my moments of resenting that and being as childlike as I can, I am more mature. I don't like anything a normal 20 year old girls, which makes it very hard to make friends with people my own age. 

    3. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He is, ironically, on the exact same page as I am. He see's forever, but not right now. Which I understand. He did what he does best, calmed my fears. 

    So, case closed. Now I can move on and stress about bigger things, like moving across the country.. 
  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:2176d8c0-6b01-47ac-9c20-a29a7047d2a5">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. It has been said (or suggested) that I am not confident in my relationship. 2. <strong>I'm not trying to prove I am mature, but I am. I had to be the adult of the house at the age of 9. And while I have my moments of resenting that and being as childlike as I can, I am more mature. I don't like anything a normal 20 year old girls, which makes it very hard to make friends with people my own age</strong>.  3. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He is, ironically, on the exact same page as I am. He see's forever, but not right now. Which I understand. He did what he does best, calmed my fears.  So, case closed. Now I can move on and stress about bigger things, like moving across the country.. 
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]


    A lot of the girls here have dealt with major life things that could make them more mature then people their age, the only difference is that they don't walk around saying they are mature, they prove it by the way they talk and the way they act.


    A lot of us have given our point of views and opinions and advice we see best. We don't know you, just like you don't know us. You came here asking for an outsiders perspective and we have given it. If you were looking for validation that about your opinion, you came to the wrong place. We offered advice as we saw fit. I'm sorry you didn't like what we had to say. No one was rude to you or said any mean or nasty things.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:8aa46e41-8958-4563-a761-5148f88c480e">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Beth have I ever told you I love you. Well I do I love you hardcore. Yous sooooo smart and you give goods advice. (My typeos are on purpose) I know I'm creepy, but hey you are only in Colorado and I'm in Wyoming..... hehe
    Posted by luvdncn90[/QUOTE]

    I lurves you too! I think all of the advice on this post was pretty awesome actually. Where are you in Wyoming? We should get together and have fun times :)

    OP - I'm glad you talked to your BF and feel better about things, I think that is really what everyone was saying you should do.


  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I never said anyone was rude or nasty, I simple said the implication was there that I wasn't confident about my relationship. And honestly, I say I am more mature because even if I act mature, I get shot down saying, "Oh, you are only nineteen, you don't know anything!" but almost everyone I've ever met. Honestly I should just start lying about my age or not telling people all together. 

    And yeah, a lot of people have gone through things. How about having your childhood taken away? That's not an exageration. From age nine to sixteen I was forced to be an adult, and then randomly forced to act like a child. It was rather off putting.

    Also, I don't see what's wrong with asking for validation? Everyone always says it like it's horrible. Is everyone here so confident in everything they do that they don't want anyone to tell them they are right or on the right path?
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4b76e150-d5bf-4c1d-8618-6afd01417798">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : I lurves you too! I think all of the advice on this post was pretty awesome actually. Where are you in Wyoming? We should get together and have fun times :) <div>
    </div><div><strong>OP - I'm glad you talked to your BF and feel better about things, I think that is really what everyone was saying you should do.
    </strong>Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>I agree, I just think it came off badly. Internet is really no place for emotionally charged topics. And as this was one, I honestly shouldn't have asked.</div><div>
    </div><div>But thank you everyone for your input.</div>
  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:02de0064-b61f-4e7e-9c16-897f3394e9cd">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never said anyone was rude or nasty, I simple said the implication was there that I wasn't confident about my relationship. And honestly, I say I am more mature because even if I act mature, I get shot down saying, "Oh, you are only nineteen, you don't know anything!" but almost everyone I've ever met. Honestly I should just start lying about my age or not telling people all together.  And yeah, a lot of people have gone through things. How about having your childhood taken away? That's not an exageration. From age nine to sixteen I was forced to be an adult, and then randomly forced to act like a child. It was rather off putting. Also, I don't see what's wrong with asking for validation? <strong>Everyone always says it like it's horrible. Is everyone here so confident in everything they do that they don't want anyone to tell them they are right or on the right path?
    </strong>Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]


    Hi, I'm Paige. I'm 21 years old.


    And yes sometimes it is nice to get validation, but I also come to these women for advice and I find sometimes that they are the most brutally honest and give me the best advice, whether they support my decision or disagree. That is the beauty of these women. They're honest and kind and sometimes painfully honest.

    Please stick around. I promise you won't regret getting to know us better!


    @Beth- I live in Cheyenne!! Where abouts are you??? I agree a get together sounds awesome!
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    And while advice is good, sometimes its good to hear that I'm not alone in my wanting a ring on my finger.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I'm in the Denver area. I have no concept of distance so I have no idea how far apart those are. Is there anyone else in our area, I feel like the boards pretty much die at night because everyone is further east than I am!


  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:bc5b0cf4-1c3e-46c9-972b-68da8fd4ccdf">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]And while advice is good, sometimes its good to hear that I'm not alone in my wanting a ring on my finger.
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    You are not alone. There are plenty of us who would love a ring on our finger as well. Please don't take our advice and opinions as seeing that you are unwelcome here. We know how you feel. Sometimes you just get advice or opinions that you weren't looking for, but most of us and if not all of us know what you feel or have known what you feel. That's why we're all here!


    @Beth- Denver is only an hour away from me!! WOOOTTTT!! I travel through there all the time. OMG
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:db2e8038-3461-4b31-9577-5aeec7e9638e">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : You are not alone. There are plenty of us who would love a ring on our finger as well. Please don't take our advice and opinions as seeing that you are unwelcome here. We know how you feel. Sometimes you just get advice or opinions that you weren't looking for, but most of us and if not all of us know what you feel or have known what you feel. That's why we're all here!

    <strong>@Beth- Denver is only an hour away from me!! WOOOTTTT!! I travel through there all the time. OMG</strong>
    Posted by luvdncn90[/QUOTE]

    I'm pretty sure a get together is required!!! Next time you are nearish here you should send me a PM and we will plan one :) Is anyone else in our area that could join our fun?

    OP - You are not alone. I went through a phase where I was completely nuts and all I wanted was the ring. These boards helped bring me back to sanity. Advice can be blunt or harsh here but it is given with good intentions and (usually) not meant to be mean spirited.


  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:02de0064-b61f-4e7e-9c16-897f3394e9cd">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never said anyone was rude or nasty, I simple said the implication was there that I wasn't confident about my relationship. And honestly, I say I am more mature because even if I act mature, I get shot down saying, "Oh, you are only nineteen, you don't know anything!" but almost everyone I've ever met. Honestly I should just start lying about my age or not telling people all together. <strong> And yeah, a lot of people have gone through things. How about having your childhood taken away?</strong> That's not an exageration. From age nine to sixteen I was forced to be an adult, and then randomly forced to act like a child. It was rather off putting. Also, I don't see what's wrong with asking for validation? Everyone always says it like it's horrible. Is everyone here so confident in everything they do that they don't want anyone to tell them they are right or on the right path?
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    We hear this a lot, because many people feel this way or have gone through worse (me: alcoholic mother, protecting sisters from her drunken rages and behavior, living in fear that my dad's crazy wife would break into our house again and manage to murder me and my mom in our sleep this time, financially supporting the family as soon as I was legally able to work. I could go on but you get the point that there was no childhood for me). Hardship does not prove you are mature. It only means that sh!t happened and you survived. But bringing it up in such a manner can make it seem as though you are using it as a crutch.

    Beyond that, I was basically where you were for nearly four years. We started "dating" (never actually dated. We lived together as roommates first and started seeing each other romantically later) when I was 19 and he was 23. We were both in school. We talked marriage but knew it wasn't in the cards for quite some time. So for four years I (we) waited, and we're now engaged.

    What I did was not allow myself to think about it. If I started to I would start playing a game or doing something to distract me, or just flat out tell myself, "NO! " and force myself to stop yearning for it. It was hard at first, but over time the near pain I felt at not being engaged eased and eventually disappeared.  Part of it, I believe, was due to gaining the maturity to accept that being engaged would not change our relationship.

    And I was right about that. I can tell you that if your relationship is what/how you say it is, aside from the initial elation at being engaged, nothing changes. There is no greater amount of commitment, love, solidarity, or anything. All there is is a new title and something on your finger.

    So if you have talked to your BF, found yourselves on the same page and in agreement that xyz needs to happen before you get engaged, accept that, put the thought in a box, and shelve it until xyz are met.

    And as a final note, if you are truly as insecure as you claim to be, you should seek counseling to help yourself heal.

    image
  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You seem really nice, and I hope you stick around!  I know I definitely didn't mean to come off as saying "There's something wrong with you because you want to be engaged." or anything like that; that's definitely not what I meant.  I think everyone around here just makes a policy of pointing out potential issues they see because sometimes when you're in a relationship it's harder for you to see certain things that could go wrong.  If the things that are pointed out aren't an issue for you that's fantastic, but in some cases it does need to be pointed out.
  • edited December 2011
    Deep breath.

    You're 19 and he is 20.  You're both young.  Why do you feel like you need to get engaged NOWNOWNOW?  You need to have a conversation with your BF and ask him about what he wants the timeline of your relationship to be.  "Where do you see us in 1 year?  In 5?  In 10?"  You need to HEAR him...not mentally convince yourself that he really does or should want to get engaged really soon.

    Then you need to tell him your feelings.  If your timelines are really incompatible, you need to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker.  Only you can decide this.  If it is a deal breaker, then you need to cut him loose.  If it's not, then learn to be patient.

    My personal opinion is that you're very young and 2 years when you're 19 isn't necessarily indicative of how your relationship will be when you're completely independent adults with careers.  I think there's no harm in waiting, and if that's what your BF wants to do, it shouldn't be a deal breaker.  But again, that is MY opinion.

    Either way, you should be excited about the fact that you're in a relationship that's so amazing that you are even considering marriage.  That's huge.  Some people never get there.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Azaela, that's great that you two talked tis over. That's exactly what a good relationship is based on.

    You don't need to lie to people about your age. There's nothing wrong with being 19. And there isn't anything wrong with waiting a couple years either. People can be rude about it at times, but you don't need to defend yourself either. And for the record, I just turned 20 in December. So it sounds like you're just a few months younger than I am. So I'm in a very similar boat right now.

    I think just about every girl on this board can relate to getting anxious for engagement; and that's why you'll get advice about how to deal with that.

    I really like the way Zip explained the maturity thing, so I won't touch that.

    Personal insecurity can be a problem though. I second the suggestion for therapy; it did wonders for me. It really just helped me find ways to deal with issues in my life and do my best to overcome then. And sometimes, I still have to remind myself that BF is not my ex-boyfriend. And he isn't my father, etc. Personal issues do carry over into relationship, so it is important to learn how to deal with that.

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:b4876778-f0c9-4a7e-97ee-d9d07d8b7c50">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Azaela, that's great that you two talked tis over. That's exactly what a good relationship is based on. You don't need to lie to people about your age. There's nothing wrong with being 19. And there isn't anything wrong with waiting a couple years either. People can be rude about it at times, but you don't need to defend yourself either. And for the record, I just turned 20 in December. So it sounds like you're just a few months younger than I am. So I'm in a very similar boat right now. I think just about every girl on this board can relate to getting anxious for engagement; and that's why you'll get advice about how to deal with that. I really like the way Zip explained the maturity thing, so I won't touch that. Personal insecurity can be a problem though. <strong>I second the suggestion for therapy;</strong> it did wonders for me. It really just helped me find ways to deal with issues in my life and do my best to overcome then. And sometimes, I still have to remind myself that BF is not my ex-boyfriend. And he isn't my father, etc. Personal issues do carry over into relationship, so it is important to learn how to deal with that.
    Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

    The suggestion for therapy is a great idea. My parents put me in therapy when I was younger and it  helped me a lot back then. It is a fantastic way to work through your personal insecurities.


  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Well, this was fun.  What next, guys?
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:8cb2cc55-092d-4072-8963-d516cd94d20e">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Deep breath. You're 19 and he is 20.  You're both young.  Why do you feel like you need to get engaged NOWNOWNOW?  You need to have a conversation with your BF and ask him about what he wants the timeline of your relationship to be.  "Where do you see us in 1 year?  In 5?  In 10?"  You need to HEAR him...not mentally convince yourself that he really does or should want to get engaged really soon. Then you need to tell him your feelings.  If your timelines are really incompatible, you need to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker.  Only you can decide this.  If it is a deal breaker, then you need to cut him loose.  If it's not, then learn to be patient.<strong> My personal opinion is that you're very young and 2 years when you're 19 isn't necessarily indicative of how your relationship will be when you're completely independent adults with careers.</strong>  I think there's no harm in waiting, and if that's what your BF wants to do, it shouldn't be a deal breaker.  But again, that is MY opinion. Either way, you should be excited about the fact that you're in a relationship that's so amazing that you are even considering marriage.  That's huge.  Some people never get there.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Crap, see what happens when I go out and try to live up my last weekend of undergrad rather than stay in and procrastinate studying for my organic final?  I miss all the fun.</div><div>
    </div><div>We actually have been talking about this lately.  2 years when you're 19 is a lot longer than 2 years when you're 21 or 23 or *gasp* 30 (sorry....I'm having one of those days).  It's a larger proportion of the life you've already had.  And, as you get older, 2 years becomes a smaller proportion.  So, even though 2 years is going to seem like FOREVER now, in the long run, it's actually not even a blip on the radar.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP - I'm 21, FI is 26.  We have been together 3 years, and we set a timeline about 2 years into it.  I told him that I wanted to be engaged by graduation.  He smiled and nodded, and said he already had a plan.  If I had known then that I would be going to grad school this fall and he wouldn't be able to come with me, I would have told him I wanted to be engaged later.  Not that I regret the fact that we got engaged, but the fact that we are about to spend 2 years apart because he can't come with me to grad school SUCKS, and twice as much so because I really hate the distance with the engagement.  My point is, you don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, or the next day, or the next year.  Wishing for a sparkly isn't going to change anything, except how much you enjoy today.  I know what you're going through - I've been there.  But, I almost regret looking at it like I did.  Enjoy your relationship now, and don't spend it wishing for an engagement.  It tends to complicate things.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, I find that the meaning of dating has evolved over the years.  FI and I didn't really "date" in the traditional sense that he took me out to dinner and a movie every week.  We just hung out all the time, and at some point (it's a cute story), we made it official and got to make out and have sex.  Dating doesn't mean the same thing to everyone - so, technically, without a ring on your finger, you're dating :)

    </div>
    I french with my man
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh, and as for therapy. I've been in and out of it since I was nine. I ended up stopping going around the age of.. 14, I think. It didn't feel like it was helping at all.

    And honestly, being with him is more helpful than any therapy I could ever get. I saw a headline on a magazine about Khloe Kardashian. About how she always felt fat and horrible, but her husband (I forget his name) makes her feel beautiful. That pretty much sums it up..

    And I say we didn't date because we were that couple that met and moved in together. You know that couple that moves way too fast and people put bets on how long they will last? That was us.

    And a mini update on the boyfriend and I. We have been talking about engagements and weddings a lot. And with each talk I am calming down. He seems to be thinking about it as much as I am at this point, though.. We have even agreed on a time for the possible wedding; after college. So if we get engaged any time soon, a super long engagement will follow.
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:fec18d3b-3169-409e-8f42-3df96564ef68">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : We hear this a lot, because many people feel this way or have gone through worse (me: alcoholic mother, protecting sisters from her drunken rages and behavior, living in fear that my dad's crazy wife would break into our house again and manage to murder me and my mom in our sleep this time, financially supporting the family as soon as I was legally able to work. I could go on but you get the point that there was no childhood for me). Hardship does not prove you are mature. It only means that sh!t happened and you survived. But bringing it up in such a manner can make it seem as though you are using it as a crutch. Beyond that, I was basically where you were for nearly four years. We started "dating" (never actually dated. We lived together as roommates first and started seeing each other romantically later) when I was 19 and he was 23. We were both in school. We talked marriage but knew it wasn't in the cards for quite some time. So for four years I (we) waited, and we're now engaged. What I did was not allow myself to think about it. If I started to I would start playing a game or doing something to distract me, or just flat out tell myself, "NO! " and force myself to stop yearning for it. It was hard at first, but over time the near pain I felt at not being engaged eased and eventually disappeared.  Part of it, I believe, was due to gaining the maturity to accept that being engaged would not change our relationship. And I was right about that. I can tell you that if your relationship is what/how you say it is, aside from the initial elation at being engaged, nothing changes. There is no greater amount of commitment, love, solidarity, or anything. All there is is a new title and something on your finger. So if you have talked to your BF, found yourselves on the same page and in agreement that xyz needs to happen before you get engaged, accept that, put the thought in a box, and shelve it until xyz are met. And as a final note, if you are truly as insecure as you claim to be, you should seek counseling to help yourself heal.
    Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's not that I went through crap as a child, it's that I legitimately had to be an adult at the age of nine. My mother suffered a brain annerism when I was the only one home. I saved her life, then watched her undergo brain surgery, disability, and had to help her eat, walk, tie her shoes, talk, etc for three years after. I watched her have seizures sitting on the couch. She had a siezure on a ride at disneyland. She and my uncle, who we lived with at the time, told me everything down to that she may die on the table. </div><div>
    </div><div>I became both my and her babysitter while my uncle was at work or out of the house. I had to be on top of myself, homework, bathing, and such. </div><div>
    </div><div>I know a lot of people go through crap at young ages. But I had to grow up at the age of nine.</div>
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:64c9040f-ad29-441f-a0e0-06221cd6cf3a">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and as for therapy. I've been in and out of it since I was nine. I ended up stopping going around the age of.. 14, I think. It didn't feel like it was helping at all. And honestly, <strong>being with him is more helpful than any therapy I could ever get. I saw a headline on a magazine about Khloe Kardashian. About how she always felt fat and horrible, but her husband (I forget his name) makes her feel beautiful. That pretty much sums it up..</strong> And I say we didn't date because we were that couple that met and moved in together. You know that couple that moves way too fast and people put bets on how long they will last? That was us. And a mini update on the boyfriend and I. We have been talking about engagements and weddings a lot. And with each talk I am calming down. He seems to be thinking about it as much as I am at this point, though.. We have even agreed on a time for the possible wedding; after college. So if we get engaged any time soon, a super long engagement will follow.
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry but this is not healthy. It is fantastic that your BF makes you feel beautiful but your entire self-esteem should not be tied into what someone else thinks of you. Therapy can take awhile to really work (or at least for you to start noticing it) and you have to stick with it (it's a slow process),I really really suggest it.


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