Help..?

AzaleaBlossom

First of all, I'm new to the website, so hello! I found it years ago but was no where close to marriage so I forgot aobut my account. A few years later here I am. I still don't have a ring (technically), but I came back to this website in search of help.

My boyfriend of almost two years and I have been dancing around the talk of marriage for a few months. From what he has told me, I know that he has no intention of getting married (let alone engaged) until he is at least done with college and secure in his life. He says it would be unfair to me to get married and be unable to provide for me (even though I am in college and want a career of my own. He is so cute). 

Anyway, as of lately I've been very pro-engagement. It's awkward talking to him about it though, because I really don't want to be the girl who pushes and pushes and pushes to get married. But at the same time, I really want to..

I guess I'm here asking for advice from people who want to get married to their SO, but their SO hasn't popped the question yet. What do you do to keep yourself in check?

On a side note:

1. I wear a ring on my wedding finger, a ring he gave me for our first Valentines day. It is not an engagement ring.

2. I know I should just be happy with him and shouldn't rush it but.. I really hope someone else understands my "settle-down-itus"..

luvdncn90

I understand it...but he will propose when he is ready and only then. A lot of the girls here will tell you nothing changes when you get engaged, excpet for now you have to plan a wedding and it's not always as fun as it sounds.


Enjoy your relationship in the now. I also like to go out with my girlfriends and continue my life. It's really easy.

[Deleted User]

You have to realize how lucky you are to have him in your life as your BF.  Boys generally aren't into the engagement talk, and if they are they don't like to dwell on it.  It means a lot that he wants to marry you when he can support you, that is very important to guys and alone that should tell you that he is serious about you.  It can get frustrating at times to not be engaged when you really want to, but wouldn't you rather him be totally comfortable with the engagement as well? It is alright to express your feelings and thoughts on engagement, but don't bring it up all the time.  He needs to know what page you are on.

For those super engagement needy feelings, come to NEY and talk to us about it instead of pushing it on BF.  A lot of girls on here have said that everytime you push the engagement talk on BF, you are pushing back your proposal by one month.  Thinking of that statement really helps.  We all have these feelings and we are here to talk each other out of them.

Congrats on having an awesome BF who wants to spend the rest of his life with you! The dating period is awesome, you only get it with him once, so enjoy it!

AzaleaBlossom

I think I'm going to make NYE my new home. Most of my friends are a 2+ hour drive from me, so it's hard to talk to them about this sort of thing. 

As for the dating period.. We never really had one, honestly. We have been living as if we are engaged (most think we already are) from the second month. It's like one giant perpetual engagement. Lol.

Ember01

You said you are both in college? I'm going to assume (I know, I shouldn't make assumptions) that you are both in your early 20s. You are young, just enjoy your relationship. If you love him now, you'll still love him in a couple of years when you are more financially stable to get married.

Trust me, live in the moment and enjoy the relationship now. Once you get engaged, you'll be shocked by how many people have opinions on what shade of red your napkins should be and should you stuff the mushrooms with cheese or sausage, and on and on.

I tried to focus on other things in my life. I read or baked or watched movies. That helped get my mind off the idea of getting engaged.

Good luck! And stick around

AzaleaBlossom

And yes, we are in our early twenties. Well, he is, I'm not yet twenty. A few months before my teen years end.  

Getting my mind on other things is proving a problem at the moment. We are moving across the country in the next few months, so that is stressing me out.

Though I do enjoy reading, so I may just hit the library up every week. 

Ember01

Ahh, moving! What a pain. I'm also getting ready to move. My advice is to make sure that you join some kind of club and make friends with people without your BF. You said you like to read? Hit up the library and see if they have a book club or game night. I joined some organizations and it really helped to get my mind off of weddings. And it certainly doesn't help that the royal wedding is all that is on TV and the internet lately

AzaleaBlossom

He is both old fashioned and "new wave" about our relationship. He would like for me to be one of those women who doesn't need to work unless I want to, who can be soley taken care of by him, though he wants me to flourish in whatever career I end up in. 

But thank you every one for your encouragement and kind words.

AzaleaBlossom

Ah, I know! Every channel is something to do with weddings! All of my subscriptions in my email/youtube are about weddings! It's a horrid time to want a ring on my finger.. Lol.

heyimbren

Waiting a few years at this stage can make a huge difference in your life- especially when it comes to finances.

When I start to get the marriage itch, I mentally review all the things I'd miss out on if I did get married right now. That definitely helps keep me in check.

AzaleaBlossom

@heyimbren: Like what would you be missing out on? I honestly can't think of anything.

heyimbren

Well, financially speaking, I know that waiting until BF is done school and I'm further along is a wise decision because of the money we'll be saving with that.

Big thing for us would be travelling and getting a house. As well, just the different opportunities I have now to be a 20 something year old; going on volunteer trips, enjoying school and having actual summer vacations, time with friends.

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:e4782cbf-d1ab-444a-b09a-c4034ddd20cf">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I'm going to make NYE my new home. Most of my friends are a 2+ hour drive from me, so it's hard to talk to them about this sort of thing.  As for the dating period.. We never really had one, honestly. <strong>We have been living as if we are engaged (most think we already are) from the second month. It's like one giant perpetual engagement. Lol.
</strong>Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]



Just curious how do you live like you're engaged? I feel like getting engaged is mostly just time to plan a wedding and all that good stuff. That's just my opinion on it though.

AzaleaBlossom

For most people the engagement period is living together and learning about each other in closer quarters. We never dated. Like.. we went on one date and after that I spent every night at his house until I moved in (officially) a month later. We are far more serious than every one of my friend's relatinships and have gone so far as to pick out names for children. 

heyimbren

I don't think the engagement period is characterized by living together. While plenty of couples wait until engagement to take that step, plenty of other couples live together before engagement or wait until after marriage.

Also, if this is something you want to talk about with him, then talk about it head on instead of dancing around the subject. But at the same time, if you're hesitant about coming across like you're pushing it, then you can also consider just trying to enjoy were your relationship is at right now without jumping ahead to marriage and baby names. Live together, and be serious but keep that dating mindset. You run the risk of just driving yourself crazy otherwise.

AzaleaBlossom

Like I've said, we never dated. We don't date. Ironically, we both hate the "dating stage". And we've talked about mariage before, its just that he knows I'm serious about him so he feels a bit pressured, though I assure him that's not what I'm trying to do.

As for baby names, it just happened naturally. We didn't do it on purpose. We just decided one night that if we have a daughter, that would be her name.

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:8ebe449f-ce40-444d-bb87-cebeee464b6a">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]For most people the engagement period is living together and learning about each other in closer quarters. We never dated. Like.. we went on one date and after that I spent every night at his house until I moved in (officially) a month later. We are far more serious than every one of my friend's relatinships and have gone so far as to pick out names for children. 
Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

Now adays a lot of couples live together before they get engaged. I don't consider us living together to be practically engaged. We are practically engaged when he has a ring in his ownership and we are engaged when he asks me to be his wife or we come to a mutual agreement that we are engaged. That's just my thought on it though.
 
I'm far more serious then my other friends as well but I don't think we're practically engaged. We are in a committed loving relationship and as a 21 year old who also wants to get married as well, everyone here has great advice. When I first came to this board I was DYING to get engaged, it was all I thought about. But with the help of these ladies, I realized our relationship will not change when we get engaged. We already know that we love each other and want to spend our lives together, and our lives have already started. We are building a life together right now and it's not going to make our relationship mean more if we are engaged. It already means the world to me, it is just going to be an amazing blessing to marry my best friend.

Of course I want to get engaged, but what I want more then that is a marriage and you have to be willing to wait until your BF is ready for that. Pushing him or making him feel like he should be ready now may cause huge problems in the relationship and especially a marriage. (Not saying you are doing this). Just relax and enjoy the wonderful man you have now, you have already started your lives together and that in itself is a beautiful thing.

AzaleaBlossom

I know it won't make him want to do it faster, I'm not stupid. I just have ideas and questions, but I don't want to bombard him with them and make him feel pressured. I just want to talk about it and see what he thinks.

AzaleaBlossom

It's complicated and hard to explain, but we don't act like we are dating. We never have.

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:f04f178e-d769-4815-a3d9-73f36ffd0874">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it won't make him want to do it faster, I'm not stupid. I just have ideas and questions, but I don't want to bombard him with them and make him feel pressured. I just want to talk about it and see what he thinks.
Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

None of us ever said you were stupid. We are simply saying you should feel comfortable talking to your SO about this important things.

I have never felt uncomfortable about talking to M about marriage or asking him the questions I was curious about, and although sometimes marriage is the last thing on his mind with school and work he always is willing to talk to me about it. And sometimes if I get to carried away with the marriage and wedding talks he will tell me to cool my jets.

He is your SO and I'm sure he will be perfectly fine with you asking him these questions and most likely tell you if he is feeling pressured or bombarded. The best thing to do is be an adult, sit down, and have a straight forward honest conversation.

AzaleaBlossom

Of course. And occasionally we will talk about it. But I think we both feel uncomfortable about it just because I am only nineteen. Also, he has never really liked the idea of marriage. Being non-religious he doesn't really see a point to marriage other than a big party, which he has always hated anyway. 

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:e5400688-fd27-4af3-9d30-8a9e0f895d9e">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course. And occasionally we will talk about it. But I think we both feel uncomfortable about it just because I am only nineteen. Also, he has never really liked the idea of marriage. Being non-religious he doesn't really see a point to marriage other than a big party, which he has always hated anyway. 
Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

I'm 21, BF is 20. We have been together three years with a few bumps here and there. I was a bit nervous when we got really serious because I thought to myself I am only 18, how can I have found the one when I am so young, because everyone tells me it doesn't happen. But it does.

Because of my worries with my age I caused uneccessary problems in our relationship and then I realized that while yes age is important, it is not nearly as important as maturity. These past three years we have grown so much and we have grown together as well as individually.

This is my recommendation, don't be in such a hurry to get engaged. Grow together, grow individually, and things will fall into place when it's the right time, not because you want it right now, right this instant. And it also to me sounds like you need to be a little more comfortable in your relationship because age shouldn't be this huge of a deal that you feel like you can't be completely honest and straight forward with him.

AzaleaBlossom

We have been together nearly two years later this year. I did something similar. A few months into our relationship I started falling in love with him and broke up with him. We got back together and worked through my insecurities that date back to elementary school. We are still working through them, and will continue to do so.

I am very comfortable with him. While I admit I am insecure about myself, he is something I am comfortable with. It is hard to explain, but with a relationship like ours, you have to be comfortable or it doesn't work. We are honest and straightfoward about everything, except this. 

But I am going to sit him down and talk about this. Just to get it out on the table so I know what his opinions are.

heyimbren

As a serious couple, you two should be able to discuss your personal views on marriage and the future. There's nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with pushing your BF into marriage, and I'm not saying you will do this. But there is a difference between the two.

19 is young. And it kind of sounds like you two are unsure about moving ahead so quickly because of your age. That's a valid concern. There's more gain than harm in waiting another year or a few to see how things go.

However, a discussion on whether you want marriage at all or not is an important one to have. If he feels strongly against marriage, and you're the opposite then that's something that can easily become a dealbreaker and create problems in the future.

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:487ae682-7f80-4523-ad8f-fe2ac3477875">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have been together nearly two years later this year. I did something similar. A few months into our relationship I started falling in love with him and broke up with him. We got back together and worked through my insecurities that date back to elementary school. We are still working through them, and will continue to do so. I am very comfortable with him. While I admit I am insecure about myself, he is something I am comfortable with. It is hard to explain, but with a relationship like ours, you have to be comfortable or it doesn't work. <strong>We are honest and straightfoward about everything, except this.</strong>  But I am going to sit him down and talk about this. Just to get it out on the table so I know what his opinions are.
Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

It's good that you guys are honest and straight forward, but marriage is definitely one of the most important things to be honest and straight forward about.

Definitely talk to him, I'm sure it will be a lot better and more comfortable then you think it will be. Things always seem worse in our heads. This board has really helped me become not so engaged crazy and keep me level headed about not just engagements but marriage and life in general.

caitlin.cave

I'm in your situation too.  Some days I want to be engaged, but others I get really nervous about it (mostly because I'm young too), which is why I'm not engaged yet.  BF has been totally ready to propose for months (he is making payments on a ring and he had to slow them down because I was dragging my feet), but he's being a fantastic boyfriend and waiting for me to get over my commitment anxiety.

In the meantime, as I said, I dohave days where I want to get engaged.  I just remind myself that it's really important for us to wait until we're both totally comfortable with it, and for us this means having had a conversation with both sets of parents about our intentions.

The other thing you and your BF should probably talk about is how long you want your engagement to be.  If you don't want a long engagement, it's probably not wise to get engaged more than a year before you could potentially get married.

AzaleaBlossom

I'm glad you understand caitlin. Only, in your situation, it's opposite. Haha. But I'd be fine with a long engagement, or a short one. If he proposed tomorrow, I know we wouldn't be married for at least a year. I know we would have to be out a school (as the time of year I want the wedding in would conflict), so we have a minimum of two years to do that. I just want the commitment I think..

bethsmiles

It's important to be open and honest in your relationship, especially when talking about marriage. You need to be willing to accept that he might just not want to get married right now, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you just that he doesn't think right now is the best time. There is a way to talk to your BF about marriage (timeline and goals and such) without whining and demanding a ring (I'm not saying that's what you are doing).

My BF and I are young too so we will be waiting a few years to get married so we can finish school and be financially stable. It sounds like you BF wants to make this decision in a responsible way and that is a good thing. It's hard to wait but discussing why you are choosing to wait and remembering those reasons helps a lot. At least it helps me when I get jealous that my friends are getting married while we are waiting.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4ed9904e-07cc-4b4a-be7c-3970a087d242">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad you understand caitlin. Only, in your situation, it's opposite. Haha. But I'd be fine with a long engagement, or a short one. If he proposed tomorrow, I know we wouldn't be married for at least a year. I know we would have to be out a school (as the time of year I want the wedding in would conflict), so we have a minimum of two years to do that.<strong> I just want the commitment I think..</strong>
Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

Being engaged doesn't make you any more or less committed. I don't consider BF and I to be less committed than my friends that are married. That statement makes me think you might not be as confident in your relationship as you think you are and you should talk to your BF about that.

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4bfe6fd4-c7ee-4cf8-bb51-1e2bd7f2cc2a">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Being engaged doesn't make you any more or less committed. I don't consider BF and I to be less committed than my friends that are married. That statement makes me think you might not be as confident in your relationship as you think you are and you should talk to your BF about that.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I completely agree with this. Simply becauese M and I are not engaged does not mean that we are committed to our relationship. If you need to be engaged to feel committed you have a bigger problem.

AzaleaBlossom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4bfe6fd4-c7ee-4cf8-bb51-1e2bd7f2cc2a">Re: Help..?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Being engaged doesn't make you any more or less committed. I don't consider BF and I to be less committed than my friends that are married. <strong>That statement makes me think you might not be as confident in your relationship as you think you are</strong> and you should talk to your BF about that.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

<div>I honestly wish people would quit assuming that. While I am young, I am very mature and I know that he loves me. While I cannot explain it, if I wasn't confident in my relationship with him, it wouldn't work. We wouldn't be together.</div>