Not Engaged Yet

Help..?

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Re: Help..?

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:43a180de-bed6-476f-b6d0-512e52dd27e8">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : It's not that I went through crap as a child, it's that I legitimately had to be an adult at the age of nine. My mother suffered a brain annerism when I was the only one home. I saved her life, then watched her undergo brain surgery, disability, and had to help her eat, walk, tie her shoes, talk, etc for three years after. I watched her have seizures sitting on the couch. She had a siezure on a ride at disneyland. She and my uncle, who we lived with at the time, told me everything down to that she may die on the table.  I became both my and her babysitter while my uncle was at work or out of the house. I had to be on top of myself, homework, bathing, and such.<strong>  I know a lot of people go through crap at young ages. But I had to grow up at the age of nine.</strong>
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry you had to go through so much and yes it sounds like most of your childhood was taken away but this post pissed me off. You are not a special snowflake, you aren't the only one who went through things, and to belittle zipis experience as less than yours is ridiculous. There are people who have gone through worse and people who have never had to experience anything like that but when someone with some experience gives you advice is it not mature just to brush off what they say and go on and on about why your experience was worse. You have not come off as mature for you age in this post, and you may be IRL but you haven't shown it here.


  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:d0a40193-aa42-4242-b064-7ef90d013599">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : I'm sorry you had to go through so much and yes it sounds like most of your childhood was taken away but this post pissed me off. You are not a special snowflake, you aren't the only one who went through things, and to belittle zipis experience as less than yours is ridiculous. There are people who have gone through worse and people who have never had to experience anything like that but when someone with some experience gives you advice is it not mature just to brush off what they say and go on and on about why your experience was worse. You have not come off as mature for you age in this post, and you may be IRL but you haven't shown it here.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    <div>I never said her experience was any less than mine. I was merely explaining mine. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for my self esteem being tied into what someone else thinks of me.. That's not really it. Most of my problems with myself are because of what others thought of me as a child. Being made fun of, told to kill myself because I was so ugly, etc kinds takes a toll on what you think of yourself. I am ten times more confident now than before I met him. He taught me not to care what other's think. Before I met him I was so concerned with how others viewed me I hid who I was around everyone, and instead showed them what they wanted to see. Now, I don't give a flying leap what anyone says, least of all someone online who knows nothing of who I am.</div><div>
    </div><div>I came here asking for confirmation that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I got some good advice, to talk to him, which I have done. And I'm also getting told I am not healthy and that I need therapy. Who are YOU to tell me what I need? Therapy doesn't always work. My best friend has been in therapy for nearly 7 years, and she continues to decline. It isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me.</div>
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4fe21da3-3519-49a0-83e6-7b904d472a44">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : I never said her experience was any less than mine. I was merely explaining mine.  As for my self esteem being tied into what someone else thinks of me.. That's not really it. Most of my problems with myself are because of what others thought of me as a child. Being made fun of, told to kill myself because I was so ugly, etc kinds takes a toll on what you think of yourself. I am ten times more confident now than before I met him. He taught me not to care what other's think. Before I met him I was so concerned with how others viewed me I hid who I was around everyone, and instead showed them what they wanted to see. Now, I don't give a flying leap what anyone says, least of all someone online who knows nothing of who I am. I came here asking for confirmation that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I got some good advice, to talk to him, which I have done. And I'm also getting told I am not healthy and that I need therapy. Who are YOU to tell me what I need? Therapy doesn't always work. My best friend has been in therapy for nearly 7 years, and she continues to decline. It isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me.
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    You asked for advice and you got it. I didn't say you weren't healthy, I said it isn't healthy to have your self-esteem very tied into or dependant on one person. No one said you needed therapy but quite a few girls here have been or are in therapy and suggested it because your self-confidence issue comes up in almost all of your posts.


  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We don't know you in real life; we can only go off of what you post on here.  I took exactly the same thing as Beth from that post.  It sounded a lot like you were saying "yeah, she went through something, but I had to go through what she went through and more."

    I know what it's like to have self esteem issues; I spent my life being told I was ugly and fat too.  I also had a boyfriend who made me feel beautiful and all that good stuff, but we broke up and I was back where I started.  I'm not saying you and your boyfriend are going to break up, but I'm saying that it doesn't work to hinge your self esteem on someone else.  If you're not, that's fabulous, but that's the way it sounds from your post.  Again, we only have what you write.
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Oh yay...  OP is back.  Because I wasn't tired of this thread yet.
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:d253add9-3eb9-4964-bd74-d58053ce058a">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh yay...  OP is back.  Because I wasn't tired of this thread yet.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    <div>Then go away?</div>
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:ef5aeaff-8a5a-4860-8942-41378e87e967">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Then go away?
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    Sorry Azalea...  I didn't mean that as a personal attack on you.  I just meant that this doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
  • AzaleaBlossomAzaleaBlossom member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:56cf7c30-2b45-42e5-b0e2-244240eb402d">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : Sorry Azalea...  I didn't mean that as a personal attack on you.  I just meant that this doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's cool.</div><div>
    </div><div>I agree. </div><div>
    </div><div>Thread closed when I talked to the boy.</div><div>
    </div><div>Let's close the thread, shall we?</div>
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4fdb2381-9dfa-4a52-9337-d0ab73dc3d3c">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : It's cool. I agree.  Thread closed when I talked to the boy. Let's close the thread, shall we?
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    That's all I'm saying.  The dead horse has suffered enough abuse already.
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    We can dance if we want to
    We can leave your friends behind
    'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
    Well they're no friends of mine
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:a5a1c684-4d8e-4aaa-8429-249a329a5cba">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : That's all I'm saying.  The dead horse has suffered enough abuse already.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]


    All I'm hearing is "Blah, blah, blah."

    But I do agree with what PPs have said.  And, I want to say more, but I kind of just don't care.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011



    This is me blowing a raspberry to Panda and SKP.
  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    <div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:c1cf7333-bc55-4e03-b6ee-9dfbf08c95e6">Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]From what he has told me, I know that he has no intention of getting married (let alone engaged) until he is at least done with college and secure in his life. He says it would be unfair to me to get married and be unable to provide for me (even though I am in college and want a career of my own. He is so cute).  Anyway, as of lately I've been very pro-engagement. It's awkward talking to him about it though, because <strong>I really don't want to be the girl who pushes and pushes and pushes to get married. But at the same time, I really want to..</strong> I guess I'm here asking for advice from people who want to get married to their SO, but their SO hasn't popped the question yet. What do you do to keep yourself in check?  2. I know I should just be happy with him and shouldn't rush it but.. I really hope someone else understands my "settle-down-itus"..
    </div><span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]</span>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4ed9904e-07cc-4b4a-be7c-3970a087d242">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE] If he proposed tomorrow, I know we wouldn't be married for at least a year. I know we would have to be out a school (as the time of year I want the wedding in would conflict), so we have a minimum of two years to do that. <strong>I just want the commitment I think..</strong>
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Newsflash, my friend: You ARE insecure. In your relationship, in yourself, whatever. This is why you crave the commitment, but don't want to push.</div><div>
    </div><div>You don't want to push b/c you're afraid of pushing him away, but you crave the commitment and want to push b/c you need reassurance that he really wants to be with you.</div><div>
    </div><div>It is the simplest and best interpretation for the feelings you describe, regardless of the words coming out of your mouth. Or keyboard, as the case may be.</div><div>
    </div><div>The best way to deal with this? Is to figure out what you want to do or accomplish for yourself outside of your relationship. Focus on goals that are just for you. This will not only give you something else to think about, but accomplishing goals that are just for you will develop your sense of self worth.</div><div>
    </div><div>YOU have to believe, deep down, that you DESERVE your BF. You can't trust him if you don't trust yourself. </div><div>
    </div><div>There. Free internet therapy. Although I'm not sure why I'm bothering. You don't seem very open to listening to anyone. Another thing that indicates you have self worth issues -- you are very threatened by people disagreeing with you and don't seem to want to admit you might have been not entirely correct. But in any case, I hope maybe this sticks in your head and it slowly starts to make sense to you and you eventually find that what people said here was actually really helpful. You got a lot of thoughtful responses and good advice. Best wishes.</div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>
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  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Desert... I wanna be like you when I grow up. haha.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:4fe21da3-3519-49a0-83e6-7b904d472a44">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help..? : I never said her experience was any less than mine. I was merely explaining mine.  As for my self esteem being tied into what someone else thinks of me.. That's not really it. Most of my problems with myself are because of what others thought of me as a child. Being made fun of, told to kill myself because I was so ugly, etc kinds takes a toll on what you think of yourself. I am ten times more confident now than before I met him. He taught me not to care what other's think. Before I met him I was so concerned with how others viewed me I hid who I was around everyone, and instead showed them what they wanted to see. Now, I don't give a flying leap what anyone says, least of all someone online who knows nothing of who I am. I came here asking for confirmation that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I got some good advice, to talk to him, which I have done. And I'm also getting told I am not healthy and that I need therapy. Who are YOU to tell me what I need? Therapy doesn't always work. My best friend has been in therapy for nearly 7 years, and she continues to decline. It isn't for everyone, and it isn't for me.
    Posted by AzaleaBlossom[/QUOTE]

    I went to a Lady Gaga concert a few weeks ago (friend won free tickets) and she kept talking about how she was bullied, and talking in between songs to the audience like it was a group therapy session.  She said something about how being bullied defined her.  I found that sad.  An experience like that only has as much power as you give it, and only takes up as much space in your brain as you let it.

    To me, childhood difficulties are a boulder.  When it happens, it cuts off your path to growth.  The weak try to crawl under it and end up in a hole with no way to get out.  Some push it down the path in front of them, having it always be an obstacle as they move forward.  Some tie it to their backs and use it as an excuse for why they can't move faster or stand taller.  And the truly strong ones climb over the darn thing, get their scrapes and bruises, and leave the rock behind and let those bruises heal over time.  Guess which ones are the better off in the long run?  Guess which ones get further along their own path?

    It sounds like you got one heck of a boulder.  That sucks.  A lot of people have some pretty heavy boulders in their life.   But it sounds like you're still carrying a big chunk of that boulder on your back.  Your personal insecurities, your need for a visible sign of a commitment, the way you try to justify your own maturity by a horrible experience you've been through... to me, it just all sounds like you have a lot more personal growth to go through before you're in a good place for yourself.  You need (and deserve) to be happy with yourself, your body, your looks, your abilities, your intelligence.   An engagement ring won't do that.  Consider it work to do so you can strengthen your marriage - you'll have a better marriage if you're a strong, confident person when you start it.

    See a counselor.  Every person I've ever talked to who said they stopped counseling because they didn't think it was working desperately needed more counseling.  If that counselor wasn't the right person, find a new one.

    image

    Anniversary

  • Wrkn925Wrkn925 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46a884bd-bbbc-43a2-ab0f-4d9b7207a323Post:d8094ad4-8e6f-49ec-ac63-792bb9e8e214">Re: Help..?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance Well they're no friends of mine
    Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]

    Screw you Panda. Screw you.



    BRB, I'm going to go try to wash this song out of my brain.
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