Not Engaged Yet

not engaged yet, but booking the venue?

2

Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?

  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I truly respect relationships of people in the military, I do. I know it's difficult. But I don't know why everyone thinks they can use it as an excuse to do ridiculous things.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:6ea64836-5ca5-4c16-9702-e618efc511ae">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue? : 20 on not telling because she wants a bridal shower.
    Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

    HAHAHA! Who would want to miss out on free gifts? Why should she be deprived of the wedding AND shower of her dreams?!
    imageimageimageimage
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:9d972262-a73a-4071-8843-7b9a0a983dd1">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I truly respect relationships of people in the military, I do. I know it's difficult. But I don't know why everyone thinks they can use it as an excuse to do ridiculous things.
    Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

    Ditto.

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    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:9d972262-a73a-4071-8843-7b9a0a983dd1">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I truly respect relationships of people in the military, I do. I know it's difficult. But I don't know why everyone thinks they can use it as an excuse to do ridiculous things.
    Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

    The thing is that even if the OP were to take this over to Military Brides, she would get the same freaking advice. 

    The issue is never having a vow renewal.  The issue is LYING to your families about being married.  The issue is negating the fact that you already got married and referring to the vow renewal as the "real wedding."

    I just do not understand how ANYONE can be okay with the timeline of getting married, lying to their families, getting engaged (and celebrating with their families) and then having a "real wedding."  Anyway you slice it, it is rude and deceitful. 
  • zaneopalzaneopal member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:cb448f44-46b9-46e7-a73f-62da95c848af">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Whatever.  I got married last October.  Nobody else is allowed to get married for the next 10 years because MY day was that SPESHUL!!!!!!! 
    Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

    I almost choked on a cheeto because of you.
  • edited December 2011
    Well, I'd really like a breakdown of the timeline before I can really give any advice.

    I mean, whether or not I think you should book your venue before you're "engaged" depends entirely upon whether you're already married before you get "engaged."

    See what I mean?

    Andplusalso, you need a lot of things before booking a venue: rough guest list (not a number out of your head, but a count of family and friends and a good idea of what that adds up to) so you know how much space you need, a budget (again, not a number out of your head, but a sit-down discussion with everyone contributing financially and a very firm idea of the actual budget) so you know how much you are able to spend on the location, whether that location includes anything else (linens, china, caterer, DJ, etc), I mean... you need to know a LOT of things. And that means you NEED to talk to your dad first if he's contributing money.

    Which, in your opinion (speaking to OP) would "rob" him of.... something. I'm not sure what. Because.... I don't know if you plan to get married before any of this happens and if you plan to tell anyone.... and if you DO tell people you're married.... then how is your BF supposed to ask your dad for permission for something he already did?

    My head asplode.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Oh, and I booked my venue 8 months before the wedding date and got EXACTLY what I wanted, not "second best." I was very flexible and looked at Sundays and Fridays and we had a TON of options.

    You just need to be reasonable. The more flexible you are the less you have to worry about. I mean, if you want Saturday, June 11, 2011 at 5:45pm with tiffany blue table linens and a pink marble dance floor and all of that is totally non-negotiable... well.... you're probably not going to get exactly what you want exactly when you want it.
    Anniversary
  • forrma7forrma7 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    ok, wow, everyone calm down

    first, can i say that some of you are completely horrible and rude. i came on here looking for advice from other hopefully mature women, and you all completely jump down my throat about a situation you clearly don't understand.

    no one is "pretending" to not be married, being secretive, deceitful, or anything else like that. i am completely aware that getting married in a courthouse is legal, binding, real, whatever you want to call it
    but both my fiance and i want to have a celebration including our family and friends which we will have at a later date.

    so everyone just calm down. BlueBoxGirl was the only one who truly understood what i was saying.

    as far as i'm concerned, most of you were completely rude and unhelpful.
    and i don't see why people should be upset about being "lied" to
    i don't have to disclose everything that we do to everyone we know. as far as we are concerned, our wedding will be in june 2011. the courthouse marriage is simply legal to us. i know it's not this way for everyone, and others are very happy getting married in a courthouse. so i say good for them, and i am glad they are happy. 

    so thank you to all of those who really took a second to try and be helpful and understanding of our less than typical situation.
    and screw you to the rest of your cranky old people who are so quick to shooting other people down.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • forrma7forrma7 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    oh, and to all of your ridiculously stupid people who think that my boyfriend and i are all secretive and naive,
    our parents know all of this is a reality and that it's happening. my mom knows most of all and is in complete support of this decision. they are in the know and will not be "deceived" or "lied to".

    if you think that we would be so immature to consider marriage but not have the support of our families, then you all are seriously mistaken. this has been an ongoing conversation ever since we knew our relationship was getting serious. we've known for years that the military is in our future and that we will plan our lives together.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    See, you didn't say ANYTHING about any of that. People are going to take the information you give them and run with it. As I said in my post, what sort of advice I would give depends a lot on what is actually happening.

    Your first post was VERY misleading. Considering so many misunderstood you, maybe YOU are the one who was unclear? We've seen some seriously weird and crazy ideas from girls around here. You certainly wouldn't be the first or the last.

    So chill out. If you need to clarify so we understand you, then do so and cut out the namecalling. If you don't want our advice anymore because some girls made assumptions and you didn't like what they said, then go away.
    Anniversary
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:f5ce1eb5-b7a3-4acf-8e7d-b88bcf9289a7">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i don't see why people should be upset about being "lied" to i don't have to disclose everything that we do to everyone we know. as far as we are concerned, our wedding will be in june 2011. the courthouse marriage is simply legal to us.
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]


    You only get married one time. You should make your guests aware that you are already married and are renewing your vows if you want a special event. To do so otherwise, i.e. pretending to take your vows for the first time, is a <strong>lie</strong>.

    You should tell your guests it's a vow renewal. Keeping it a secret is inappropriate.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:f5ce1eb5-b7a3-4acf-8e7d-b88bcf9289a7">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, wow, everyone calm down first, can i say that some of you are completely horrible and rude. i came on here looking for advice from other hopefully mature women, and you all completely jump down my throat about a situation you clearly don't understand. no one is "pretending" to not be married, being secretive, deceitful, or anything else like that. i am completely aware that getting married in a courthouse is legal, binding, real, whatever you want to call it but both my fiance and i want to have a celebration including our family and friends which we will have at a later date. so everyone just calm down. BlueBoxGirl was the only one who truly understood what i was saying. as far as i'm concerned, most of you were completely rude and unhelpful. and i don't see why people should be upset about being "lied" to i don't have to disclose everything that we do to everyone we know. as far as we are concerned, our wedding will be in june 2011. the courthouse marriage is simply legal to us. i know it's not this way for everyone, and others are very happy getting married in a courthouse. so i say good for them, and i am glad they are happy.  so thank you to all of those who really took a second to try and be helpful and understanding of our less than typical situation. and screw you to the rest of your cranky old people who are so quick to shooting other people down.
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:140b2bc9-06d4-499e-ae7e-ebabf894e3e9">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]oh, and to all of your ridiculously stupid people who think that my boyfriend and i are all secretive and naive, our parents know all of this is a reality and that it's happening. my mom knows most of all and is in complete support of this decision. they are in the know and will not be "deceived" or "lied to". if you think that we would be so immature to consider marriage but not have the support of our families, then you all are seriously mistaken. this has been an ongoing conversation ever since we knew our relationship was getting serious. we've known for years that the military is in our future and that we will plan our lives together.
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    Where is that reading comprehension post I made a couple of weeks ago?

    You wrote...
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:1c379101-5a13-47b7-82f3-a7ac56b3aea4">not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]my bf and i are getting married in a few months in a courthouse to make it legal so we can be in the army together, but are having our real wedding ceremony next summer after we graduate
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:1c379101-5a13-47b7-82f3-a7ac56b3aea4">not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]we won't get "officially" engaged until a few months because we want to finish army camp (LDAC) this summer before relaxing and celebrating.
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:1c379101-5a13-47b7-82f3-a7ac56b3aea4">not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]my parents totally know it's coming, but i don't want to rob my dad of that special moment when my bf asks for my hand! i don't want it to feel like planning the wedding before we're even engaged, but i dont know what else to do! my mom is totally for it, but i dont know how to approach my dad, who is footing the bill (bless him!) help?
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    No?  Yes.  Yes, you did. 

    Nobody gave you any advice about your question.  Nobody brought up valid points about knowing your budget.  Nobody asked if you KNEW that you would be able to get make the date next June.  Nobody asked you to clarify what you were saying.  Riiiight. 

    Take your sanctimonious ass over to Military Brides and see what they have to say. 
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, Mutley's right. You totally got advice, and we totally asked you for clarification. You come back all high-and-mighty because some people said you're being deceitful (from what it sounded like in your post).

    I'm sticking with "you don't make any sense."
    Anniversary
  • zaneopalzaneopal member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you wanted us to understand you, why didn't you tell us the following in the first place:
    1) That your parents are completely aware of the situation (because it did not read that way initially)
    2) That you understand a court marriage is legal and binding.

    However, I do believe you should annouce the courthouse marriage; it is unfair to your guests to have them believe that you are unmarried before your June 2011 vow renewal and to let them think that will be the day you and your at-that-point husband are actually being wed.

    Unfortunately, the original post comes off as secretive, as does your comment that you don't need to inform everyone of doings in your relationship. If you are getting legally married and having a vow renewal at a later date, you must inform your guests that you are already married. To be already married and tell people that you and your husband are simply engaged is untruthful and an insult to the people who care enough about you to want to attend your wedding.
  • zaneopalzaneopal member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Incidentally, she posted her story in a response to a very similar thread on military brides (married, only told the parents, parents told the sibs, SOB v. PO'ed that bride is having a wedding and pretending as though she's engaged when she is married).

    It's here: http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_only-family-knows-were-married-but-sis-doesnt-understand-having-wedding

    Fallingobsession makes a good point on the military page, OP. If you can't handle the separation as BF/GF, it won't be any different when you are married.

    I speak from familial experience that just because you are married does not mean you will be together. My aunt and uncle were both in the air force for 15 years, and only for 8 of those years did they live together (they spent two years early in their marriage on separate continents)--and this was in peacetime! My aunt finally took an honorable discharge over a promotion to majorship because she was facing another tour away from her husband, and by that point they had 3 kids, one of whom was an infant. So don't bank on being stationed together just because you're married. The military sends you where they want you.
  • edited December 2011
    1) We base our responses off of what you post. We aren't mind readers, lady.

    2) There's nothing wrong with getting married privately and having a party with family and friends afterwards. However, most of these couples make their guests completely aware that they are already married and that the event is a celebration of their marriage, not their actual binding of selves in marriage. Playing it off as anything other than a post-marriage celebration is just plain rude.

    3) I'm sorry, but not disclosing to your guests that are, indeed, married before your "wedding" is, in fact, being deceitful. Given that you apparently plan to "announce your engagement" and your guests will be recieving a "wedding" invitation to your "wedding" ceremony, what else are they left to assume but that you are legally unmarried prior to your "wedding" day? That's lying. If you don't consider that being dishonest or deceitful, then you're delusional.

    4) All I got from your post and subsequent santimonious responses were "we don't want to be apart but I still want my pretty pretty princess day!". You are an adult, you need to make an adult decision - do you want a marriage or a wedding? Because those are two very different things.

    My thoughts? You have a hell of a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully you do it before you're in a legally-binding marriage.

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    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

    Planning / Married / Blog

  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I understood what you were saying.

    I just don't agree that it's the right thing to do.

    And the implications of your wording in your OP were insulting.

    Do you make a habit of telling everyone who doesn't agree with you that they are horrible and stupid?

    Because that would make you ignorant in addition to dishonest and immature.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • forrma7forrma7 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i understand that my original post was unclear, but does that make it okay for people to start ridiculing me? some of the things people made were really hurtful to me too! and then they go and say that i'm being defensive!!

    my next question is, why does it really matter if our guests don't know that we're already legally married? would it change people's minds in coming anyways? to everyone i've talked about it with, no one has ever brought this up so i never thought it would be an issue. it's still our wedding to us, does the legality of it all make a difference?

    and zaneopal, i'm not worried about the separation. this is obviously something we know about since we're in the military.

    and oceana, thank you for the guidance counseling, but i know exactly where i am in my maturity, and it's not really something you can decide over the internet. i want a marriage and a wedding thanks, and the fact that i want to book my venue early doesn't really have much to do with how my marriage will be.


    can i remind everyone that the original question was about booking the venue, and not about whether you thought i was being a terrible terrible person?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:8037ab0a-e9af-4907-bd2c-4a6fc176cf26">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i understand that my original post was unclear, but does that make it okay for people to start ridiculing me? some of the things people made were really hurtful to me too! and then they go and say that i'm being defensive!!<strong> my next question is, why does it really matter if our guests don't know that we're already legally married? would it change people's minds in coming anyways? to everyone i've talked about it with, no one has ever brought this up so i never thought it would be an issue. it's still our wedding to us, does the legality of it all make a difference?</strong> and zaneopal, i'm not worried about the separation. this is obviously something we know about since we're in the military. and oceana, thank you for the guidance counseling, but i know exactly where i am in my maturity, and it's not really something you can decide over the internet. i want a marriage and a wedding thanks, and the fact that i want to book my venue early doesn't really have much to do with how my marriage will be. can i remind everyone that the original question was about booking the venue, and not about whether you thought i was being a terrible terrible person?
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]


    There are only so many times and ways I can tell you that you are lying to all of your guests. And it's a FACT: you are having a VOW RENEWAL, not a wedding.

    If you were having a wedding, you wouldn't be legally married. Therefore, you are having a vow renewal.

    You can't have a baby and THEN be pregnant.  You can't get married and THEN have your wedding. It's a vow renewal and your guests should be made aware of such.
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    FOR THE RECORD - I told you to book the venue if you're really sure it's coming or if you're ok losing a deposit. I also suggested you ask the venue if you can get a full refund or some flexibility if your orders change before the wedding. Then I stood up for you and said I didn't think you were putting down a courthouse wedding, just that you wanted a full ceremony with friends and family...

    So sorry if you think we "jumped down your throat". Some of us DID answer your original question. And since you asked, my sister got married at the courthouse and didn't tell anyone, then had a ceremony later. I didn't give a sh*t because that's the kind of crap she pulls, but other guests felt deceived and were hurt. They would still have come had they known it was a "renewal" or whatever you want to call it. But finding out after was not good.

    There's some more objective advice for you to ignore.
  • zaneopalzaneopal member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:1c379101-5a13-47b7-82f3-a7ac56b3aea4">not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]my bf and i are getting married in a few months in a courthouse to make it legal so <strong>we can be in the army together</strong>,
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    If you're aware of the separation, please clarify what you mean by the bolded statement. I'm not attacking you, I just think you should be clear as to what you expect here.

    [QUOTE]my next question is, why does it really matter if our guests don't know that we're already legally married? would it change people's minds in coming anyways? to everyone i've talked about it with, no one has ever brought this up so i never thought it would be an issue. it's still our wedding to us, does the legality of it all make a difference?[/QUOTE]

    No, it will not change their minds about whether or not they attend. It will, however, change how they feel afterwards when they find that you were already married and you had a second ceremony for show. It will seem as though you and your husband are being gift-grabby and insincere with the people who care about you most. I'm not saying that you are these things, but this is how it comes off when you pull a stunt like this.

    Book the venue, and inform your guests that it is a <strong>vow renewal.</strong>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:8037ab0a-e9af-4907-bd2c-4a6fc176cf26">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]can i remind everyone that the original question was about booking the venue, and not about whether you thought i was being a terrible terrible person?
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    Yes, yes you can.  However, maybe you should answer the questions directed at trying to HELP you.  <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '02dfb7b8-4532-4218-9bec-8c95b804600b', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/11/02dfb7b8-4532-4218-9bec-8c95b804600b.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:ae32c3b4-c778-4719-b8af-dddf2a01e621">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You say that your dad is the "bearer of the wedding financial burdens." 
    Is this venue within your budget?  Do you even have a budget yet? 

    The military factor does come into play when trying to book a date for next summer.  Do you have a solid date that your training will start?  If not, what happens if your training interferes with your 'wedding' date? 
    Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:bacb77ff-ff0e-4d44-95cf-b3c84525c610">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]What does your BF think about this venue?
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:4ab2b11d-52eb-43ae-b319-8391bda7f286">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Andplusalso, you need a lot of things before booking a venue: rough guest list (not a number out of your head, but a count of family and friends and a good idea of what that adds up to) so you know how much space you need, a budget (again, not a number out of your head, but a sit-down discussion with everyone contributing financially and a very firm idea of the actual budget) so you know how much you are able to spend on the location, whether that location includes anything else (linens, china, caterer, DJ, etc), I mean... you need to know a LOT of things. And that means you NEED to talk to your dad first if he's contributing money.

    Which, in your opinion (speaking to OP) would "rob" him of.... something. I'm not sure what. Because.... I don't know if you plan to get married before any of this happens and if you plan to tell anyone.... and if you DO tell people you're married.... then how is your BF supposed to ask your dad for permission for something he already did?
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    You can chose whether you want to contemplate/respond to the advice given or continue to stomp your feet about how you are being mistreated.

    On to your other questions...

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:8037ab0a-e9af-4907-bd2c-4a6fc176cf26">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i understand that my original post was unclear, but does that make it okay for people to start ridiculing me?
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    Maybe you should work on clarifying what you actually meant.  People post based on what you write.  If you wrote something that can be interpreted in many different ways, you open yourself up to ridicule.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:8037ab0a-e9af-4907-bd2c-4a6fc176cf26">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]my next question is, why does it really matter if our guests don't know that we're already legally married? would it change people's minds in coming anyways? to everyone i've talked about it with, no one has ever brought this up so i never thought it would be an issue. it's still our wedding to us, does the legality of it all make a difference?
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    It would change my mind about you immensely if you did not tell me about your courthouse wedding.  If I found out about your courthouse ceremony from you or your FI, I would happily attend your vow renewal.  If information about your courthouse ceremony was leaked prior to your "real wedding," then I would not attend your "real wedding."  If I found out about your courthouse ceremony AFTER I attended your "real wedding," I would be pissed and re-evaluate my relationship with you.
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Book your venue.

    Tell everyone in their invitation that it's a vow renewal.

    Proceed with your courthouse marriage.

    that is my advice.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:f5ce1eb5-b7a3-4acf-8e7d-b88bcf9289a7">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE] i don't see why people should be upset about being "lied" to i
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    *head desk*
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    By not telling your guests, it seems very gift-grabby.  If it's about celebrating your marriage with those closest to you, then it won't matter if it's a vow renewal or the original wedding.  Those closest to you will be happy to attend.  Therefore, the only reason I see for lying is so that you can get more gifts. Plus, if the people you are inviting are your "nearest and dearest", why wouldn't you want to clue them in on such a happy event in your life like a marriage? THAT'S why people feel insulted when you LIE to them about already being married.
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  • edited December 2011
    Unfortunately for you, it's a slow day for work, which is why I'm even continuing to engage you at this point, since it's so blantatly clear that you don't want to hear anything but fluff.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-booking-venue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71a982ec-38e6-4669-b24e-35fe4c06ecfcPost:8037ab0a-e9af-4907-bd2c-4a6fc176cf26">Re: not engaged yet, but booking the venue?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i understand that my original post was unclear, but does that make it okay for people to start ridiculing me? some of the things people made were really hurtful to me too! and then they go and say that i'm being defensive!! [/QUOTE]

    You came on an international internet forum and asked for our opinion. If you really take such stock in and are that sensitive towards the opinions of complete strangers, perhaps you should not be here.

    [QUOTE]my next question is, why does it really matter if our guests don't know that we're already legally married?[/QUOTE]

    <strong>BECAUSE THAT'S LYING. </strong>You don't lie to friends and family - PERIOD. 
     
    [QUOTE]would it change people's minds in coming anyways? to everyone i've talked about it with, no one has ever brought this up so i never thought it would be an issue. it's still our wedding to us, does the legality of it all make a difference?[/QUOTE]

    If a friend came to me and said, "we eloped at the courthouse and now we're having a vow renewel/celebration, would you like to come?", I would happily attend. If I went to a friend's wedding anticipating seeing them united in holy matrimony and found out after the fact that they were already married and the whole day was for show, I'd be pissed. This entire concept comes across as very gift-grabby and attention-hoary, if you ask me.

    Believe me, I get it. The thought of saying my vows in front of 100 people is scaring the everloving sh*t out of me. Our officiant even offered to take us off to a beach somewhere a few days before the wedding and marry us in private, then go on with the "wedding" as planned. I seriously considered it. However, we're not doing it because I consider that to be rude and dishonest to my family and friends. You don't lie to friends and family, PERIOD.

    [QUOTE]and zaneopal, i'm not worried about the separation. this is obviously something we know about since we're in the military. [/QUOTE]

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. I can't even imagine what military couples go through, being seperated during wartime and having their SOs in the line of fire. I have the utmost respect for couples who handle that on a daily basis. There's nothing wrong with getting married to be stationed together, so long as that is not the sole reason for you to get married. But throwing a show wedding after the fact without disclosing the fact that you're already married? That's a whole different story.

    [QUOTE]and oceana, thank you for the guidance counseling, but i know exactly where i am in my maturity, and it's not really something you can decide over the internet. [/QUOTE]

    No problem, that's what I'm here for. I don't take a whole lotta stock in the "you don't know me so you can't judge me" or the "I'm more mature than most" statements, simply because a) I have to make a judgement or provide advice based on what the OP provides us, which, in your case, didn't paint you in the best light in terms of maturity, and b) 99% of the time, that's bullhoey.

    [QUOTE]i want a marriage and a wedding thanks, and the fact that i want to book my venue early doesn't really have much to do with how my marriage will be.[/QUOTE]

    But which do you want <strong>more</strong>? If you truly want a <strong>marriage</strong>, then how or when you do it shouldn't matter. If you want a <strong>wedding</strong>, then you need to wait until you can have the one you want. Being deceitful or dishonest with the people in your life doesn't say a whole lot about your moral character.
     
    [QUOTE]can i remind everyone that the original question was about booking the venue, and not about whether you thought i was being a terrible terrible person?
    Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]

    Honey, I'm pretty sure you sufficiently dug yourself a whole so deep that the original question isn't even within eyesight.

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  • edited December 2011
    Oh, forma7.  If you are interested in another Military Bride's perspective...

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_could-use-mb-back-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:a8cf5808-5d79-4973-b5da-0c0cfbe9d405Post:8cc1fee6-cb99-4ca4-9db9-e0d75f65df5b">Re: Could use some MB back-up</a>:
    [QUOTE]honesty is always always better than lying or keeping that kind of secret.

    I dont understand why anyone would want to keep such a happy thing secret!
    If she would like my advice I say get engaged, announce it.. get married at the courthouse and just to be honest with everyone, and if they'd like have their wedding later. Also, i think you should be engaged before picking a venue- if youre not engaged then why plan? Idk just my thoughts

    good luck :)
    Posted by Kimburrr[/QUOTE]
  • AlouetteBeansAlouetteBeans member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FYI- If you are planning your wedding(s) then I would consider you engaged. You dont need a ring and a fancy proposal to get engaged. If you had a conversation about you guys getting married and planning weddings, then waa-laaa. You're engaged. Congrats.

    also ditto PP about the double wedding. Do what you want and what works for you guys, but seriously, call a duck a duck. Lying to the people you love RARELY works out well.
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  • BiMWaTBiMWaT member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's funny, it seems everyone one here would be furious if they went to a wedding that wasn't the legal wedding, but I know people who have done this and when the guests found out later, no one was mad.  They thought it was funny and a great story.  My cousin did this, and my mom told me that if we wanted to, we should go ahead and they would still have a wedding for us.  Obviously a JOP/courthouse wedding is real, forma7 wasn't suggesting it isn't, but yes, some people want to have the celebration with family and friends.  It doesn't mean she's a bridezilla who just wants to be a "pretty princess" on her "SPECIALLLL DAYYYY."  Get over it, people.

    forma7: you could get engaged earlier and just hold off on any hardcore celebrating you might do, or if you guys feel comfortable with it, talk to your dad, let him know you will be getting engaged but want to wait until after training.  I don't think it's a big deal.  Don't listen to people who tell you you are "living a lie."  And make sure to get a military clause in writing in case dates get changed!
  • edited December 2011
    To bad you won't be getting MARRIED at this gorgeous venue. You can do a wedding vow renewal there though.

    It's completely disrespectful and hurtful for you to get married and then go through this elaborate lie to your father. It sounds you are trying to do this with the best intentions but all I see is the big lie you are telling your dad. Your HUSBAND will be pretend asking for your hand in marriage. Do you not see how bad that is?
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