Things You Learn on TK

calindi

Have any of you learned of wedding traditions or practices on here that you never knew about?  Or looked at something totally different after being on here?

Just today, I learned what a Jack and Jill party is, and I'm appalled!  Have any of you heard of this practice, when the bride and groom have a party where people buy tickets to attend, and they use that money towards their wedding???  There's a girl who is quite insistent that it's fine to sell tickets to anyone she's ever met, because it's no different than having a bridal shower.  Ugh!  *headdesk*

Hazel_B

Cate - I totally grew up with that, but we call them Buck and Does. It never struck me as weird in my small town. It was a party that everyone was going to and you showed support for a local couple - double bonus really. I won't get into whether it is right or wrong, it is just normal for me.

I never knew you were suppose to invite only the people invited to the wedding to the bridal shower. That one was new for me.

AudgiePodge

There are two types of Jack and Jills. One is simply a co-ed shower and the other is the one you described.

Wrkn925

I went to a shower that was called a Jack and Jill.  Couples were invited, games, food and adult beverages were provided.  No tickets or money were exchanged.  I'd never heard of charging admission until I signed up here.
I think that's ridiculous.

I went to a wedding with a cash bar and didn't think anything of it.  It was at a country club, and the full bar was open, and had a credit card machine, so I wasn't heart broken.
They served champagne for the toast. 

The only open bar wedding I've went to was one I was bartending.  I refused to put out a tip jar, even though the bride asked me to.  I didn't *know* it was against etiquette, but I know it just didn't feel right, so I didn't do it.
I accepted tips that were handed to me and stuck them under the bar.

ndelgaizo

really? I've never heard of that tradition and I can't believe it's actually used. I've looked around at some of the tradition articles and I remember one that talked about different things brides would carry on their wedding day for good luck- like putting a coin in thier shoe. One tradition I do know about is the dollar dance- I've never liked this tradition but I've seen some brides use it before.

trebmal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:53e1963c-bf43-4fd8-9e17-57c94ed4e638">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]really? I've never heard of that tradition and I can't believe it's actually used. I've looked around at some of the tradition articles and I remember one that talked about different things brides would carry on their wedding day for good luck- like putting a coin in thier shoe. One tradition I do know about is the <strong>dollar dance</strong>- I've never liked this tradition but I've seen some brides use it before.
Posted by ndelgaizo[/QUOTE]
where I'm from, you won't go to a wedding where this WON'T happen.  If the couple doesn't have it planned, the guests will start it.  Again, it's a regional thing I am sure and it's another way for people to show support for the couple and help them get off on the right foot, I suppose.  I didn't know it was a BAD thing till I came on TK. 

Wrkn925

Ndelgazio, I don't really think it's tradition.  I think it's something fairly new that is often passed off with the 'It's acceptable in my area" BS.

Tradition states that showers are for females only.

Read some of the responses on E, they're a little better at describing it.

deburnin

The thing that sticks out to me is that you aren't supposed to put the registry information in the invitation. That was very weird to me. Every wedding I've ever been invited to has included it (I would have been confused if it didn't!). People saying it should just be on the wedding website was weird too because I had no clue what the hell a wedding website was until I started clicking on the links in people's sigs.

PaigeMcC

Never knew that people charged money for their J&J's.  Here it's just a co-ed shower.

I THOUGHT dollar dances were tacky, but TK just re-affirmed that.

Never knew there was anything wrong with cash bars.  I've only been to an open bar once...and it wasn't a wedding.  People around here just don't do open bars.

motoLyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:eb77082f-6008-41e2-8ebb-37f028706b09">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]There are two types of Jack and Jills. One is simply a co-ed shower and the other is the one you described.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]


The only Jack and Jill i've heard of is the first part of what Audgie described.  A co-ed wedding shower.  I've yet to hear of the second one till you just mentioned it here.  I think the one thing that I've learned here and didn't really follow was that you can't host your own engagement party.  FI's parents hosted it at their house, but I was the one that sent out invites and arranged what my parents were bringing for food, what FI's parents were supplying and what FI and I would provide.  We didn't register any where, nor did we ask for gifts, we just wanted our friends and family to come together to celebrate with us with a backyard BBQ. 

calindi

Ya know, I can totally understand how something that is unheard of in one place is common in another, and thus not nearly as rude.  Just to me, selling tickets to a party doesn't seem right.  If a couples' friends and family who are invited don't mind, then it's totally none of my business. 

I'd also never heard of a cash bar at a wedding, but wouldn't have thought of it as a big deal (certainly not the Armageddon topic it often is on these boards).  I had heard of honeymoon registries, but also did not know they were controversial.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:eb77082f-6008-41e2-8ebb-37f028706b09">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]There are two types of Jack and Jills. One is simply a co-ed shower and the other is the one you described.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

Actually, I believe there is another type of Jack and Jill party you're forgetting here, Audgie...

[Deleted User]

I had never heard of a Jack & Jill before TK either...

Overall, I think the best way to not offend is to not directly seek gifts or money from anyone at any function. Gifts, for weddings or otherwise, should be at the discretion of the giver. If you host a money dance, a ticketed event or directly inform guests of where gifts can be purchased - you are showing that you expect something in return for them to attend your event. Unless your event is for charity, to me this is very rude. Most people will already want to give a gift for showers/weddings - they will ask where you are registered or what you might like if they don't already have something in mind.  

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:0b5d42e2-f68f-412d-8016-c2d22b8a5014">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]Never knew that people charged money for their J&J's.  Here it's just a co-ed shower. <strong>I THOUGHT dollar dances were tacky, but TK just re-affirmed that.</strong> Never knew there was anything wrong with cash bars.  I've only been to an open bar once...and it wasn't a wedding.  People around here just don't do open bars.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

THIS! The idea of a dollar dance has always rubbed me the wrong way. It's at most weddings around here but that isn't an excuse for making them ok.

Ditto on Jack and Jill parties- I never heard of a co-ed shower being called that and I never heard of people having a cover charge for any wedding function. To me, any party where you ask guest to bring money, is tacky.

I never heard of groom's cakes before coming here and now I love the idea. I want to surprise FI with a cake of his old Mustang. The only time I'd ever seen him damn near cry was when he had a guy come look at it when it was for sale.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:f71b897b-d909-424b-880d-97b78bc826f9">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : Actually, I believe there is another type of Jack and Jill party you're forgetting here, Audgie...
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You mean the one with the strippers and happy endings for all?

</div>

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:9dadcaf1-9458-47e3-8bd0-ee17094cb41c">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]I had never heard of a Jack & Jill before TK either... Overall, I think the best way to not offend is to not directly seek gifts or money from anyone at any function. Gifts, for weddings or otherwise, should be at the discretion of the giver. If you host a money dance, a ticketed event or directly inform guests of where gifts can be purchased - you are showing that you expect something in return for them to attend your event. Unless your event is for charity, to me this is very rude. Most people will already want to give a gift for showers/weddings - they will ask where you are registered or what you might like if they don't already have something in mind.  
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts.

</div>

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:112e6400-d72c-4c86-a583-fa472c4bf198">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : You mean the one with the strippers and happy endings for all?
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jack%20and%20jill" rel='nofollow'>http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jack%20and%20jill</a>

Possibly NSFW.

For the record, I only know about this because of some sex documentary, I think on VH1. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

AudgiePodge

Hrmmm.. I was pretty close.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:108084a5-93ad-4394-ba3d-d20c7b3708fb">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]Hrmmm.. I was pretty close. :)
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

::giggles at desk::

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:30cede1b-6ffb-42da-ba91-0a91ea0db655">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

Audgie - I know. But a shower should be hosted by <em>someone else</em>. If you are hosting your own shower of telling everyone where you are registered without them asking...it appears gift-grabby in my opinion. Having someone host a shower in your honor is a gift in itself...and you should not be involved in it other than showing up and enjoying whatever was planned. (maybe I didn't express myself well in my original post - sorry!)

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:256d9846-39b6-4117-9fc5-5c4432891d6b">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : THIS! The idea of a dollar dance has always rubbed me the wrong way. It's at most weddings around here but that isn't an excuse for making them ok. Ditto on Jack and Jill parties- I never heard of a co-ed shower being called that and I never heard of people having a cover charge for any wedding function. To me, any party where you ask guest to bring money, is tacky. <strong>I never heard of groom's cakes before coming here and now I love the idea. I want to surprise FI with a cake of his old Mustang. The only time I'd ever seen him damn near cry was when he had a guy come look at it when it was for sale.</strong>
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

<div>Too cute!! </div>

[Deleted User]

I agree with Paige. The only time I saw a dollar dance at a wedding was at my old friend's wedding, who are both very trashy people. I don't like the idea of it at all, it seems very cheap and weddings aren't supposed to be all about giving money to the bride and groom, IMO. I feel this way because this couple always asks for handouts. First looks was something I learned about on The Knot.

Hazel_B

Okay, I know this jack and jill / buck and doe party - not couples shower - is rubbing people the wrong way. Like I said before, I'm not saying these are right or wrong, I just wanted to clarify how the ones I'm accustomed to function.

Where I grew up, no one is invited to the party at all, people don't feel obligated to go in any way. A notice is put in the local paper it says who the couple is, where, when, how much tickets are and who to contact to buy them (normally members of the WP). when I was little these were just massive drunken parties and have become more complicated due to legal issues. They have now evolved into a large BBQ where you pay for a ticket to the dinner. I know my parents will buy tickets for the buck and does for their friends' children or neighbours children because they only want to show support, they don't normally attend.

Edit - Oh, the big drunk fests still happen, but the couples are younger or tend to be really prominent in the comminuty. The bbqs are for those who want something more subdued.

bourgehm

I thought everyone knew about dollar dances. I honestly was planning on having one because in my family and FI's, everyone has a dollar dance when they are married. But, then I realized how stupid it is from here, and will not be doing it.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:29139043-8c75-4eb1-b61e-bbf4e9fea409">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I know this jack and jill / buck and doe party - not couples shower - is rubbing people the wrong way. Like I said before, I'm not saying these are right or wrong, I just wanted to clarify how the ones I'm accustomed to function. Where I grew up, no one is invited to the party at all, people don't feel obligated to go in any way. A notice is put in the local paper it says who the couple is, where, when, how much tickets are and who to contact to buy them (normally members of the WP). when I was little these were just massive drunken parties and have become more complicated due to legal issues. They have now evolved into a large BBQ where you pay for a ticket to the dinner. I know my parents will buy tickets for the buck and does for their friends' children or neighbours children because they only want to show support, they don't normally attend. Edit - Oh, the big drunk fests still happen, but the couples are younger or tend to be really prominent in the comminuty. The bbqs are for those who want something more subdued.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Seeing as from we're around the same area, Hazel, that explains why I know exactly what you're talking about.

It isn't a shower at all- it's honestly just a fundraising party for the couple to help pay for their wedding (at least, the ones I'm familiar with are). Everyone I know just invites tons of people on facebook, and it's actually considered (by a lot of people I know) rude to NOT buy a ticket even if you can't go since that's supporting the couple.

That being said, I don't partake at all. I get invited to probably about 4 or 5 every year and I just decline. You buy a ticket for usually $10 or so, then you go and buy game tickets for raffles and what not. Usually you just win booze, but there are some that have cash prizes where it is considered customary to donate that gift to the couple. Plus you go and get really drunk and the couple makes all the profits of the drinks. Usually it has BBQ food as well.

Now like I said, that's in my area. I can't stand them.

jemmini6

Things I never even heard of before TK:
- Jack and Jill showers (the admission style ones, I'd heard of co-ed ones before)
- (I know there's at least one other thing, but I can't think of it)

Things I never knew were considered 'tacky' before TK:
- dollar dances (they've been at literally every wedding I've been to, I never liked them just because I wouldn't want to be forced to dance with everyone...I'd rather dance with my husband)
- HM registries (FI's friends were the first people I'd seen do this and I thought it was a great idea, as did all their guests, my family also thought it was a great idea)
- Registry info in the invites (I'd just always seen it included, so I never thought twice about it)
- Cash Bars (I've only recently been to a wedding that had a fully hosted bar, so I never knew that it wasn't the norm.  I think it's great to host if you can afford to, but as a guest, I'd rather pay for a drink than to not have one at all)

Hazel_B

Bren - I know exactly what you mean. I was never a big fan of them because I didn't run in that crowd. However, I think they have changed over time. FB has made it worse because now there is an actual invitation. When I was younger it was only the paper and word of mouth via friends. There feels like more of an obligation now because of FB which I don't like.  The only pressure I felt was if all my friends were already going to one, but that is no different than going to any other party or to a bar with cover.

Hazel_B

Bren - In your area do you have engagement parties? Growing up I don't remember them at all and I think buck and does are what was used instead. I just don't remember ever going to or my parents ever going to an engagement party. I know now there are both though, engagement parties being thrown by the people who don't want a buck and doe.

Elle1036

I had never heard of adults-only receptions.  I don't want to offend anyone here, because I passionately believe that you should (mostly) do what you want at your wedding, but I wouldn't DREAM of not having my and FIs younger relatives there.  The little kids dancing always make weddings for me.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:a83a500c-6ec1-4898-ae22-1ea5c3ad3cc4">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]I had never heard of adults-only receptions.  I don't want to offend anyone here, because I passionately believe that you should (mostly) do what you want at your wedding, but I wouldn't DREAM of not having my and FIs younger relatives there.  The little kids dancing always make weddings for me.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
Ditto this.  Every word.

calindi

What you described, Hazel, doesn't sound too terrible because it's just a general announcement that they're having this party, and people can opt to go or not.  But when there's a FB invite, or hounding your friends via email or text, and people who aren't invited to the wedding are invited to "donate" (really, why call it a donation when it's a gift?  Donations to me are for charities) to the couple.

Side FB comment - I haven't posted an "event" about my fundraising since I find it super annoying when people create "events" for things like this, then invite everyone so it makes you look like a jerk when you click that you won't "attend".  I just delete myself from those invites, but sometimes people will invite me AGAIN!  Like, didn't you get the hint???  I sent out one round of Facebook messages, and that was it.  And one girl who I know from college (not friends, just in a group together) messaged me back to say that she chooses to donate to causes that are important to her, and leukemia isn't important to her like it is to me, so she'd appreciate if I'd remove her from future spam messages.  Um, k?  I deleted her from my friends.  She doesn't have to donate, and I don't care, but that comment back just seemed obnoxious to me.