Things You Learn on TK

Goldlie11

I've never heard of the following before the knot:

cash bars at weddings

money/dollar dance

groom's cake

honeymoon registries

jack and jill parties (the one that calindi is talking about)

tiered receptions

money tree

choreographed wedding dances

large gaps between the ceremony and reception

engagement photos

bridal portraits

Save the Dates

I'll admit that I didn't know that putting registry info on invites (or inserts) was rude before the knot.  FI got really mad when I told him I wouldn't be including registry info with our invites.  He thinks it's ridiculous.  

To put things in perspective, I've only been to 3 weddings in my entire life.  One a fairly young child, one as an early teen, and one as an adult.  

Elle1036

I'm pretty much clueless about actual etiquette rules, but certain things rub me the wrong way.  When I receive an invitation with registry info included, I always think that it would make more sense to use the money spent on the wedding to just buy the gifts they obviously need so much.

I once got a wedding announcement that said something like "We recently got married.  It was a small ceremony with family only, but we are so excited to share our joy with you."  To me, it just screamed "please send a gift."  Is there an etiquette rule about that?

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:18780742-30b8-4a6b-ba91-6d2347fcbfe0">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty much clueless about actual etiquette rules, but certain things rub me the wrong way.  When I receive an invitation with registry info included, I always think that it would make more sense to use the money spent on the wedding to just buy the gifts they obviously need so much. I once got a wedding announcement that said something like "We recently got married.  It was a small ceremony with family only, but we are so excited to share our joy with you."  To me, it just screamed "please send a gift."  Is there an etiquette rule about that?
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

1. Although I understand the idea behind not including registry info. in the invitation I really don't think its that big of a deal to do it. I actually prefer it. I had never heard of a wedding website before TK and I don't like just giving cash. I don't know a single person who has had a wedding website. I mean everyone gives gifts at a wedding I think its dumb to pretend that people don't. To me registry card doesn't scream "buy me a gift".

2. Sending wedding announcements aren't against any sort of etiquette. A lot of people see them as unnecessary or look down on them. You don't have to get someone a gift just because they send you a card.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:0947276c-3e35-4114-90c5-07117bf2eb35">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : 1. Although I understand the idea behind not including registry info. in the invitation I really don't think its that big of a deal to do it. I actually prefer it. I had never heard of a wedding website before TK and I don't like just giving cash. I don't know a single person who has had a wedding website. I mean everyone gives gifts at a wedding I think its dumb to pretend that people don't. To me registry card doesn't scream "buy me a gift". <strong>2. Sending wedding announcements aren't against any sort of etiquette. A lot of people see them as unnecessary or look down on them. You don't have to get someone a gift just because they send you a card.</strong>
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's why I prefaced it by saying that I don't know much actual etiquette.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  I should also mention, though, that the sender was someone I hadn't spoken to in years following a significant falling out.

bethsmiles

Oh yeah I know. I didn't mean to sound like I was attacking you. I just used numbers so that you or other people knew I was talking about two separate things. It is weird that she would send you a wedding announcement if you don't speak to her. When I've seen wedding announcements they are usually from distant family .

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:b19ece32-af82-47c8-9b3a-be680e23bf12">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : I would have raised an eye brow to that myself.  I was worried about that issue when I get married, but since we decided on a DW wedding, we threw out the gift thing and agree that presence was gift enough.  Though next week is Chinese New Year and the little red money envelopes will be everywhere!  Too bad I'm too old to receive them and am at the age to give them out to youngins. <strong> It isn't a Vietnamese wedding till there's 'Nac on the table ;-p</strong>
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

LOL. The only Vietnamese wedding I've been two was of two non-drinkers. Bride's family is 7th Day Adventist. I think maybe they don't drink. I got really awesome vegetarian food though. I'd never had veggie shrimp before!

I should also mention I'd never heard of tiered weddings/receptions before. I'm one of those people who gets annoyed with guests who skip the ceremony and only come to the reception.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:39f1d8cc-d619-4aa0-aaa4-32c35842055c">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : LOL. The only Vietnamese wedding I've been two was of two non-drinkers. Bride's family is 7th Day Adventist. I think maybe they don't drink. I got really awesome vegetarian food though. I'd never had veggie shrimp before! <strong>I should also mention I'd never heard of tiered weddings/receptions before. I'm one of those people who gets annoyed with guests who skip the ceremony and only come to the reception.</strong>
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

This is SO common in my area. I hate it. I dislike people only being invited to the reception and people only being invited to part of the reception. Its incredibly rude.

Hazel_B

I can see both perspectives on giving information on registries in the invite. Since you can register at 3 country wide places in Canada (Bren, Beads, Paige - am i right? I've got The Bay, Home Outfitters and Sears, I know Canadian Tire used to but that is no longer) there is no reason to include really, people will figure it out. Mind you I have friends that registered at places that were not common and not nationwide and would have appreciated the information because I couldn't find them in the regular spots.

A friend from HS mentioned in their invite that they wanted cash in lieu of gifts. This has been the only invite that I was offended by....ever. It also felt particularly rude since most of the friends were not invited to the dinner portion of the reception because the grooms family was so large. That really put guests in an awkward position. I don't know if it is outdated or wrong but I had always been told to give atleast enough to cover your plate or in other words your cost as a guest. I had no idea what to do in this situation.

heyimbren

Registry info on an invitation did rub me the wrong way, even before TK. I think it's because that's how my grandma was raised, and she raised me. I guess it just does seem silly to include it when it isn't THAT hard to find a registry (IMO) and if you don't know, I've never had a problem with asking someone close to the couple. To me, it seems less awkward to have a guest ask what the couple would like (which really doesn't take that much effort) and having the couple include registry cards that can come across as "please buy us this stuff". If someone wants to buy a gift, they can ask, and for those that want to just give cash then they can just do that.

The people that go and buy random gifts and don't include receipts are probably going to do that with or without a registry card in their invitation.

ETA: Now, I also don't think I'd be extremely offended if a registry card was included with the invitation. It just seems like such a small etiquette thing to follow that really isn't a huge deal either way.

I'd never heard of HM registries. I don't find them that much more offensive than regular registries, but they do strike me as an added, silly middle step.

PaigeMcC

Apparently tiered receptions are common around here. But I've only ever seen one and I thought it was kinda weird.  Same with registry info on the invite...NEVER seen that.  I don't think it'd be a big deal but it does seem presumptuous.  Registry info is easy enough to find - ask someone, look online, or just buy them something you think they'd like.  

As for money dances, the first time I saw one of those was at my friend's wedding in 2009 and I had no idea what they were doing.  I just sat there confused.  lol

calindi

I'd be majorly offended by a tiered wedding.  As far as the couple who is already married and wants to have a bigger reception, this is VERY common in the military - people tend to have small weddings since they can't schedule more than a few weeks in advance since the military can change a person's schedule at any point (many brides who do try to have big weddings end up having to change the date a few times).  So they have a small wedding, either elope or a small ceremony and reception with immediate family, and then later they have a big reception with family and friends when they're able to plan a bit further in advance.  I don't find an "at home reception" a problem, but I wouldn't think it was appropriate to register for gifts - just have a party to celebrate with people, but try to pass the word around that you don't want gifts.

marleylikeair

I think it's important to make a distinction between registry info on the actual invite and a little card included in the packet of information with the invite. I would never, ever put it on an invite. That would definitely be tacky. I would maybe consider putting the information in with the other stuff. Like maps and information about the area. Maybe.

cu97tiger

I had never heard of Jack and Jill's before this thread.

I went to a wedding a year and a half ago that had a dollar dance and I found it s-t-r-a-n-g-e having never seen one before. It's definitely not a tradition I'll be picking up.

WRT Open vs. Cash bar... I don't think it's tacky to have a cash bar (even though I'm planning on an open one if/when I get married). The bride and groom are paying for a meal for you, and probably a champagne toast as well. I don't think it's awful to have to pay for the few captain & coke's or glasses of wine you'll have to buy, as long as the prices aren't ridiculous (that would be my one caveat... no $8 mixed drinks or $10 glasses of wine!).

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:ee8a37b6-992c-4773-9f8a-e2bd4295a7a1">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be majorly offended by a tiered wedding.  As far as the couple who is already married and wants to have a bigger reception, this is VERY common in the military - people tend to have small weddings since they can't schedule more than a few weeks in advance since the military can change a person's schedule at any point (many brides who do try to have big weddings end up having to change the date a few times).  <strong>So they have a small wedding, either elope or a small ceremony and reception with immediate family, and then later they have a big reception with family and friends when they're able to plan a bit further in advance.  I don't find an "at home reception" a problem, but I wouldn't think it was appropriate to register for gifts - just have a party to celebrate with people,</strong> but try to pass the word around that you don't want gifts.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I understand the "at home reception" idea.... What I don't understand is things like this: A FB friend of mine's significant other is in the military and they eloped a few weeks ago. She then plastered all over FB that the "wedding" and events are all happening as planned this summer and that they just needed to do it for themselves. I gave her the side-eye, not gonna lie.
</div>

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:3fe11804-04fb-4d07-94f7-9601a2e22231">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : I understand the "at home reception" idea.... What I don't understand is things like this: A FB friend of mine's significant other is in the military and they eloped a few weeks ago. She then plastered all over FB that the "wedding" and events are all happening as planned this summer and that they just needed to do it for themselves. I gave her the side-eye, not gonna lie.
Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

Oh, I totally agree.  It's weird to have a full "wedding" later.  I get why the military puts unique time constraints on a couple, though.  For instance, if we're not married by the time BF receives his orders to move to Virginia for training, I won't be able to move with him and he'll have to live on base (so even if I paid for my own move, I'd be living alone up there).  Some young couples use these inconveniences as a REASON to get married; for us, it's more about shaping our timing, not the actual decision.  No one "forces" them to get married, but they see it like that usually, so they feel they still "deserve" the full wedding.

I'm not opposed to people having a vow renewal and reception later with their families, but it's just kind of weird to call it a "wedding".   Just throw a big party and be done with it - show a video of your ceremony if you want, and then party!

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:cc174a95-0218-4ae1-bb20-90bcec56de53">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : Oh, I totally agree.  It's weird to have a full "wedding" later.  I get why the military puts unique time constraints on a couple, though.  For instance, if we're not married by the time BF receives his orders to move to Virginia for training, I won't be able to move with him and he'll have to live on base (so even if I paid for my own move, I'd be living alone up there).  <strong>Some young couples use these inconveniences as a REASON to get married;</strong> for us, it's more about shaping our timing, not the actual decision.  No one "forces" them to get married, but they see it like that usually, so they feel they still "deserve" the full wedding. I'm not opposed to people having a vow renewal and reception later with their families, but it's just kind of weird to call it a "wedding".   Just throw a big party and be done with it - show a video of your ceremony if you want, and then party!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]


Side comment.  I know a girl (through a mutual friend) who's joining the Navy; she started Basic this week.  She's barely 18 and fresh out of high school, and, right before she left, she got engaged her boyfriend of 5 months.  Ughhhh.

heyimbren

I personally don't care about cash bars or hosted bars. But I do think a couple should be hosting the wedding that they can afford, which I guess would rule out a cash bar. But I'm not offended by it.

Before I came on here, I never realized that alcohol was so widely expected at weddings.

marleylikeair

Okay, I had another idea about the whole registry info thing. What would you guys think of something like this, included somewhere in the info packet: "Registry information is available if desired. Guests may contact [name of MOH or close friend in WP] at [phone number] or [email address]."?

That way, guests know that you're registered at all, and even if they aren't internet-savvy, they know where to go to get the information. Maybe I'm crazy, but whenever I've been invited to a friend's wedding and wasn't in the WP, I never quite knew what to do. (The only friends' weddings I've been to where I've known about the registry were the ones where I was invited to the shower as well, with info on that invite.) And now, I wish I had known. I ended up giving some really random stuff, and I'm sure the couple would (secretly) rather have had something from their registry; I know I would rather have given them something I knew they wanted!

If I saw something like the above in an invite's info packet, I don't think I would be offended, and I don't think anyone we're close enough to to invite to a wedding would be, either. But again...just musing/exploring the topic. I get absorbed in little things sometimes.

heyimbren

Marley, maybe I'm just too forward without knowing it but I've never had a problem with just asking people what they'd like (usually family of the couple) for a shower. If I have no idea for a wedding gift, then I know cash is always nice.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:d10bc973-64be-4953-8580-e0cf9afa4548">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]Marley, maybe I'm just too forward without knowing it but I've never had a problem with just asking people what they'd like (usually family of the couple) for a shower. If I have no idea for a wedding gift, then I know cash is always nice.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm with you on this. There should be no mention of gifts or registry info with the invitation.

</div>

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:d10bc973-64be-4953-8580-e0cf9afa4548">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]Marley, maybe I'm just too forward without knowing it but I've never had a problem with just asking people what they'd like (usually family of the couple) for a shower. If I have no idea for a wedding gift, then I know cash is always nice.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Hey, nothing wrong with that. I'm not super comfortable with that, personally, though. In my family and circle of friends, the element of surprise is always king. You're not supposed to know what anyone else is getting you, and you're not supposed to directly ask for something, either, although subtle hinting is acceptable. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /> We also frequently text one another (among close family, anyway) something like "what do you think your sister would like for Christmas?" It's all very hush-hush, mysterious. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" />

PaigeMcC

I think I figured out why we don't have dollar dances...I just watched a video of them and people were like THROWING the money.

In Canada, that would hurt.  Loonies are SOLID.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:511ac1f9-7b80-40db-8231-95c539058545">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : Hey, nothing wrong with that. I'm not super comfortable with that, personally, though. In my family and circle of friends, the element of surprise is always king. You're not supposed to know what anyone else is getting you, and you're not supposed to directly ask for something, either, although subtle hinting is acceptable. We also frequently text one another (among close family, anyway) something like "what do you think your sister would like for Christmas?" It's all very hush-hush, mysterious.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

But how is that any different from asking the bride's mother if she's registered or what the couple would like? I've never flat out asked the couple, because it's usually easier to ask someone they're close to like a sister, or mom, etc.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:9c79cc1f-ef11-4970-ae5f-ee47179499af">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I figured out why we don't have dollar dances...I just watched a video of them and people were like THROWING the money. In Canada, that would hurt.  <strong>Loonies are SOLID.
</strong>Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

Ouch. Imagine getting hit with a toonie? There could be welts...

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:150c0eff-92d7-4b36-b1dc-036bdb0d142b">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : Ouch. Imagine getting hit with a toonie? There could be welts...
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>Can you imagine a toonie to the face?! The bride would have a black eye for a week!!</div>

Goldlie11

I also never heard of a candy bar or photo booths at a reception. 

Regarding the registry, did you know that if you google the couples name, you'll probably come up with the registry info?  The weddingchannel stores it.  If someone really wants to know, they will find a way to get the info.  Or they can flat out ask the couple (although Miss Manners says you're not to tell, which I find silly).  Lastly, here in NYC  tangible gifts are usually given at showers and money is given at weddings.  So, if I'm just invited to the wedding, I'm giving a check.  

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:9899e7f5-5689-42e7-bdc7-3207cbc62ec7">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Things You Learn on TK : But how is that any different from asking the bride's mother if she's registered or what the couple would like? I've never flat out asked the couple, because it's usually easier to ask someone they're close to like a sister, or mom, etc.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Well, for family I'm very close to, you're right. I guess I'm talking about certain groups of people. Like friends who have never met most of the family, for example. I have a few good friends from my time in NYC who've never met any of my family at all. Or extended family I don't often talk to on the phone (nor does my mother), but who are still important. I'm also not as close to my dad's side of the family, and depending who it is, they might feel uncomfortable, too.

In the end, honestly, I'd probably call both my grandmothers, and just ask their advice about this, then go from there.

calindi

Paige, I want to see this video where they're throwing money!

I saw a few Money/Dollar Dance videos - it just seems so strange to me, but I suppose that's since I have never seen one done in real life.

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_things-learn-tk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:895825f2-b473-4b63-8a5f-695d62c86ec1Post:d149bfa7-47ef-4a6b-b111-ca3575742d3b">Re: Things You Learn on TK</a>:
[QUOTE]I also never heard of a candy bar or photo booths at a reception.  Regarding the registry, did you know that if you google the couples name, you'll probably come up with the registry info?  The weddingchannel stores it.  If someone really wants to know, they will find a way to get the info.  Or they can flat out ask the couple (although Miss Manners says you're not to tell, which I find silly).  Lastly, here in NYC  tangible gifts are usually given at showers and money is given at weddings.  So, if I'm just invited to the wedding, I'm giving a check.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

It's only on weddingchannel if you allow it, though. When I set up an Amazon registry, there's a checkbox that asks if it's okay. I said no.

But I will say (in the US), if you try Macy's, Target, and Crate & Barrel, you're probably gonna find who you're looking for.

Also, while I've only seen a money dance once, there was no throwing of the money!

meamolly

Ok so a dollar dance at a typical wedding I have been to entails the dancing with the bride or groom, the BM and MOH collect the money from the people in the line. once the dance block is done, they tally the money (not revealing the amounts) and the person who got the most money (bride or groom) gets bragging right :oD (bride always wins lol)

Now my understanding of a jack and jill was a co edbachelor/ bacheloret party.