Hello Lovelies

loves2shop4shoes

Hi girls.  So I have a question for you.  How do YOU establish boundaries with your families?  When something bad happens in your family, how do you emotionally deal with it?  Do you dwell?  Do you cry?  When does it become difficult for you all to focus?

You all are pretty aware of my family situation.  I'm so exhausted of talking about it that it will suffice it to say that the situation has only gotten worse and this time includes more family members.  I have an appointment to get evaluated for medication tomorrow...I'm hoping if nothing else, it gets rid of the panic attacks.

marleylikeair

Oh, shoes! I'm sorry. I hope all goes well with your appointment.

I have no advice for you at present on the family stuff, but will ponder and come back to this thread later. I'm interested to hear what others have to say about this!

AudgiePodge

Good question.  I always thought I was weird because I don't feel particularly close to anyone other than my SO an my child.  I don't feel as strong a bond with my other family.  Not even my parents.  I was never close to them when I was growing up.  It was only me.  My other siblings are really tight knit with each other and parents, grandparents, etc., but not I. I am not socially awkward, which you would think would accompany that.  I cant really explain why.   I'm probably part robot or something.

jeanacorina

I tell my mom how it is because I'm hardcore like that.

I tell my sister she's a brat because I'm harcore like that.

I can't recall ever having a disagreement with my brother because he doesn't get into confrontations ever, so we're cool.

I find it difficult to talk to my dad, so I usually just work around him and try to avoid making an issue. Recently I did stand up for my beliefs in a disagreement about no-kill animal shelters... I flat-out told him "Okay, we're going to agree to disagree on this, because neither of us is changing the other's mind." I'm hardcore like that... but only since recently.

I sit down with my husband and talk things through... sometimes with a lot of emotion. I have cursed and cried and yelled into pillows, but we always work through our differences because he knows I just need to do those things in order to sort through my feelings. I'm hardcore like that.

I have a live-and-let-live philosophy with DH's family pretty much. It's working well.

I avoid some relatives like the plague because there's no reasoning with them and they will push all my buttons until I go on a rampage, since I'm hardcore like that. I don't want to go on a rampage so I don't speak to them beyond pleasantries.

I tell my friends how it is... often bluntly, but with the best intentions. I'm hardcore like that.

Basically, I am so hardcore that no one can mess with me, biotches.

oceana919

She is hardcore. She's my personal bodyguard/bouncer when ricky's too sober to be willing to throw down.

jeanacorina

I'm much more likely to throw down when sober... I get too friendly when I'm drunk.

AbigailMS

I have amazing relationships with my siblings, probably because of all the hell we went through with my mother growing up. My siblings and I are really open, honest, and loving. We're best friends.

I have nothing but respect and adoration for my father, he's one of the best men in the world. 

My mother is a completely different story. Most of the time, whoever can deal with her best at the moment of the three siblings of age to deal with her, does. Around Christmas my sister couldn't handle her anymore so I did. 

I'm making it sound like she's mentally handicapped, but she's never been diagnosed with anything. I love her. She'll always be my mom, and I have some awesome memories from when I was little...I try to think about that. 

When I'm actually dealing with her, I try to just let it all go. I breathe in and breathe out. SO is awesome, so supportive. That makes up for some of it.

EDIT: I don't understand why my picture isn't working. ....now it's huge. I give up. 

ravenray

Oh shoes I am so sorry.   It sucks to have family problems.  I know how you feel. 
My problem is: I live at home.  I'm 19.  My parents still see me as a child in their house (and in some ways they are right).  It doesn't matter how good my arugment is or how wrong they are, it's always "Well we have tired really hard too, we aren't perfect (but we expect you to be!)"  Then punishmenet attempts.  I don't do so well with my family.  I become really childish, but I am working really hard (with the help of BF) to not act this way with them.   It's a long, hard painful process.  My only advice is just keep trying.  Try to work with them and if you can't back away for a while, talk to someone who knows you and knows how to deal with parents. Let them give you advice.  It was really helpful for me to have the BF there because he could give me a look if I was getting silly.  I am a lot better now!  If I can do it so can you!  Hang in there love!  I'll pray for you.
EDIT: To anwser your question.  I don't deal well.  I ussually cry and rant how much of a jerk they/her are being to my BF or best friends, and I also listen to their advice.  I don't talk to them (because they act like nothing is wrong) until I have clamed down and moved on.  My mom and I don't get along well at all.  My dad and I get along great.  I get along ok with one brother and the other one most of the time I try to forget he is related to me. 

bourgehm

Awww, shoes. I'm sorry it's gotten worse. Feel free to PM me if you would like to vent. I'll listen!

Anyways, me and my family get along really well... for the most part. My brothers and I fight a lot, but that's about it. Otherwise, we're buddies.

FI's family doesn't get along with me too well however.  Once his father walked in on us having too much fun, and ever since then it's been awkward. Worst part is that was about 3 months after we started dating. So it was about 3 years ago. Yet, he still remembers it and will subtly bring it up. It's extremely awkward and he seems to just not think too highly of me. Whenever I'm around he'll say meanish things or just never talk to me. His mom will mention the situation still too. What the heck. It was 3 years ago. Get over it. At least that's how I feel... FI doesn't live with his parents anymore of course, so now it's not AS big of an issue since we aren't around them much, but still... when we do get together... awkward. I wish they'd just get over it.

vent over.

bethsmiles

When I lived at home things between me and my mom were horrible. We would have screaming matches and we both cried a lot. There were times we were close but seeing each other every day made it really hard to get along. But the last few years a lot of things have changed and so has our relationship. When I moved out to go to college our relationship got noticeably better but I had to learn to let a lot of things go. My mom also lost a lot of weight and became a much happier person and that helped our relationship a ton. Now we get along really well.

I've always been a daddy's girl and we've always had a great relationship with him. I talk to him about everything and there is an unbreakable trust there.

My family has always been really direct with each other for the most part so our problems are always out in the open but we don't talk about family problems with people outside of the family so that issues don't get more complicated than they need to be,

Hazel_B

I'm so sorry Shoes. I don't know what to suggest for you.

I've never really fought with either of my parents. Sure we've had minor disagreements but I've never screamed at or disrespectfully spoken to my mom. Things haven't been as good with my dad but only because he likes to push my buttons as a joke and I get really angry/frustrated with him.

All I can say is take your time figuring out your boundaries so that they work for you. It might be good to talk to you doctor when you get your evaluation if they can recommend someone else to talk to, like a counsellor.  

PaigeMcC

I have a great relationship with my family b/c we're very honest and respectful of each other.  We talk out our disagreements with each other and we know that no matter what happens we all love each other.

I know that's not really helpful in this case but it's all I've got.  Sorry, dude.

[Deleted User]

I'm past the phase of crying over the bullshit. I've come to the conclusion that no one really understands who I am and how I operate. I used to be a very co-dependant person but I had to break myself out of that the hard way and now I'm the complete opposite... I'm so independent that everyone could fall off the planet and I'd never even notice. So, when I have issues with my family or friends I just ignore them. I don't argue, anymore. I don't cry about it. I don't get angry. I just walk away and pretend like the person no longer exists in my world.

It's probably not the healthiest way of dealing with things but it's my way and it works for me.

loves2shop4shoes

Yeah...I guess I should just fill you in on the whole story.

So, last Friday I had a huge memo due.  I had worked on that memo tirelessly for the better part of 72 hours before it was due.  I got up at 5am on Friday to finish the memo.  I got the urge to check my cellphone and I saw a missed call and a text message from my cousin "S".  S lives with and owns an apartement in NYC with her BF of 8 years.  Her BF beats her, cheats on her, brings her home STDs, and engages in illegal activities out of their home.  He's a real prize.

So, S calls me at 4:13am and I didn't hear the phone.  She texted me "I need help" at 4:13am right after she called me.  There was no voicemail.  I see these missed communications at 5am and think "OMG, he tried to kill her."  So I call her...cellphone and HOUSE phone over 40 times, and no reply.  I call her BF...his phone is off.  At this point I am VERY concerned, so I called my brother in Italy and asked him his opinion on the situation.

He immediately said, "S's BF probably tried to kill her.  You need to call the police or someone to go check on her."  I am in Boston, 4 hours away from NYC, so if there's a dire emergency, I can't get to her in time.  So, my options are:  call the police or call a family member to go check on her.  I figured that on the off-chance she was ok, calling the police might be a bad idea because I had no idea what potentially incriminating substances S's BF had around the apartment.  Since they own the apartment together, S would have a hell of a time explaining to the police that it didn't belong to her.

The only familial options I have to call are S's mother or my mother.  S's mother is not only crazy, but exceedingly selfish.  If I had called her, she would be more concerned about the fact that S called me instead of her than she would be about whether S was alive.  So, I called my mother...who I haven't spoken with in 6 weeks.

I called my mother, awoke her from her sleep, explained the situation, and begged her to go over and see if S was alive.  My mother went over and of course made the biggest scene imaginable, banging down my cousin's door and yelling for her BF to open the door or she would call the police.

S then calls me.  After hours of all of this "what to do".  She starts screaming at me and scolding me about why would I involve my mother and "this is not help".  I'm like WTF did you want me to do?  I didn't know if he killed you, beat you within an inch of your life, if you were bleeding to death in your apartment...you didn't answer your phone all of this time.  She turned the phones on silent and went to bed!!!  Then SHE hung up on ME and kicked my mother out of her apartment.

So, I wasted close to 3 hours of my morning on Friday dealing with S's BS and not writing my paper...and I got ZERO appreciation.





I'm to the point with my whole family that I just can't take it anymore. 

-My mother is a crazy, selfish, self-righteous biiitch who honestly believes she is the world's first living saint.
-My father doesn't actually TALK to me...he acts like our relationship is a business relationship.
-My brother lives halfway around the world.  We have very different priorities and values.  He backs my mother up on all of her craziness.
-My entire mother's side of the family is crazy and/or backs my mother up on her craziness.

And then there's me.  And I'm tired of it all and I feel very alone.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, Jeana is totally hardcore.  Whatever she said.

cu97tiger

I can tell you right now you're not alone. You clearly have us on your side, and your SO. I'm lucky to have a sister who isn't crazy, because the rest of my family all have a screw loose here or there (mostly from dealing with my BSC grandmother).

Anyway, they can only bother you as much as you let them. You did the right thing the other night, and even if they didn't appreciate it, I don't see how there was anything else you could have done differently. Keep your head up!

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:13644b28-100f-4e4c-8abf-e34e22dffe6a">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah...I guess I should just fill you in on the whole story. So, last Friday I had a huge memo due.  I had worked on that memo tirelessly for the better part of 72 hours before it was due.  I got up at 5am on Friday to finish the memo.  I got the urge to check my cellphone and I saw a missed call and a text message from my cousin "S".  S lives with and owns an apartement in NYC with her BF of 8 years.  Her BF beats her, cheats on her, brings her home STDs, and engages in illegal activities out of their home.  He's a real prize. So, S calls me at 4:13am and I didn't hear the phone.  She texted me "I need help" at 4:13am right after she called me.  There was no voicemail.  I see these missed communications at 5am and think "OMG, he tried to kill her."  So I call her...cellphone and HOUSE phone over 40 times, and no reply.  I call her BF...his phone is off.  At this point I am VERY concerned, so I called my brother in Italy and asked him his opinion on the situation. He immediately said, "S's BF probably tried to kill her.  You need to call the police or someone to go check on her."  I am in Boston, 4 hours away from NYC, so if there's a dire emergency, I can't get to her in time.  So, my options are:  call the police or call a family member to go check on her.  I figured that on the off-chance she was ok, calling the police might be a bad idea because I had no idea what potentially incriminating substances S's BF had around the apartment.  Since they own the apartment together, S would have a hell of a time explaining to the police that it didn't belong to her. The only familial options I have to call are S's mother or my mother.  S's mother is not only crazy, but exceedingly selfish.  If I had called her, she would be more concerned about the fact that S called me instead of her than she would be about whether S was alive.  So, I called my mother...who I haven't spoken with in 6 weeks. I called my mother, awoke her from her sleep, explained the situation, and begged her to go over and see if S was alive.  My mother went over and of course made the biggest scene imaginable, banging down my cousin's door and yelling for her BF to open the door or she would call the police. S then calls me.  After hours of all of this "what to do".  She starts screaming at me and scolding me about why would I involve my mother and "this is not help".  I'm like WTF did you want me to do?  I didn't know if he killed you, beat you within an inch of your life, if you were bleeding to death in your apartment...you didn't answer your phone all of this time.  She turned the phones on silent and went to bed!!!  Then SHE hung up on ME and kicked my mother out of her apartment. So, I wasted close to 3 hours of my morning on Friday dealing with S's BS and not writing my paper...and I got ZERO appreciation. I'm to the point with my whole family that I just can't take it anymore.  -My mother is a crazy, selfish, self-righteous biiitch who honestly believes she is the world's first living saint. -My father doesn't actually TALK to me...he acts like our relationship is a business relationship. -My brother lives halfway around the world.  We have very different priorities and values.  He backs my mother up on all of her craziness. -My entire mother's side of the family is crazy and/or backs my mother up on her craziness. And then there's me.  And I'm tired of it all and I feel very alone.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I would have just called the police, hon. If you have any suspicion she might have been hurt and you couldn't reach her or her BF, that's what I would have done. I know you said you're worried about substances around the apartment, but what's worse: having them get in a little trouble for possession, or possibly having S in danger?

You've got to separate yourself a little bit, emotionally, from these people, and think, what would an outsider do in this case?

I really feel for you, shoes. I do, because my mom is totally batsh1t, and most of my family enables her. It's time for you to stop counting on anyone else except yourself to be a rational individual, because they're not, and they're not going to be, ever. I know it's hard, but stop making their craziness more important than your own life.

Do your best not to fly into a flurry of freak-out because you got a missed call and text. Take the action you can, then go on about your day as best you can, while keeping your phone near in case there's something you can actually DO. And by "take the action you can," I mean, if she's freaking out and just needs emotional support, but you're working on something that's due soon, give her a few minutes, then tell her you love her and you are there for her, but you've got something you HAVE to get done, and set up a time later when you are freer to talk. Or, like in this case, if you can't reach her and think she might be in danger, call the cops. That's all the responsibility you have. It's not your job to let yourself be overcome with worry, trash your whole day, and make international calls; it's your job to go to law school, tend to your relationship with your FI, and be a supportive family member to the extent that you can without continually neglecting your own needs.

I hope things get better soon, shoes! Please know that I say all of this with respect and love, and that while I'm a little bit on a soapbox, I'm not trying to be high-and-mighty, tell you what to do, or suggest that I know better than you do. I'm just relaying my experience and thoughts, ya know?

If I were you, I would calmly and lovingly tell your cousin, when she calms down, that you were worried about her safety, and in the future, in a situation like that, if she can't call or text back to let you know she's okay, you'll call the police so they can come over and make sure.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:13644b28-100f-4e4c-8abf-e34e22dffe6a">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]-My father doesn't actually TALK to me...he acts like our relationship is a business relationship.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Okay, as far as the cousin goes, I'd personally distance myself from her. I have had friends like that, and I no longer talk to them because they kept dragging me through their dangerous situations because they "needed" me, and then would put themselves right back INTO those situations. Also, I would have called the police. And I have called the police in similar situations. If your cousin didn't want the police involved in her life, then maybe she sould clean up her act. There are consequences for her choices.

But yeah, I can be pretty callous about people who create their own problems. Been there, done that, got myself out of it. She needs a wake up call. Next time, call the police and then go back to your regularly scheduled life.

But the thing with your dad acting like your relationship is a business relationship.... okay look... I'mma just say it and you can get offended and pissed if you want:

You emailed your dad a pretty cold note about telling you how much money he's giving you and that you needed to know when and it needed to be in your account and whatever. I'm paraphrasing because I'm not going to go look it up right now. Anyway, YOU treated him like he was a business contact in that email. You were polite, sure. But you didn't treat him with the lovey-dovey understanding that you might think a daughter would show her father when he's honestly TRYING to help her pay for her wedding, but he's just not able to do what he wanted to do at the time. He must feel HORRIBLE for that drama affecting your wedding. And you just sent him this note saying that if he was giving you anything, you needed to know about it ASAP.

That is the kind of email you send a business partner or maybe an obstinate client. Not someone you're trying to have a meaningful emotional relationship with.

I'm sorry you think your dad is treating you with a little too much "cool-ness" for your liking. But maybe you shouldn't treat him that way, either.

And for goodness sakes, get your act together. You let other people affect you WAY too much. You're always having drama with someone. Just get over it and live your life, man. No one can control other people, so stop worrying about them. Worry about YOURSELF. If they're trying to get you involved in their drama, then simply refuse to get involved.

Don't answer the phone. Call the police to handle her psycho BF. Tell your mom you'll call her back when she's sane.

I don't care what you do, but for goodness sake just chill out.

There. I said it. Now I can go back to being diplomatic or whatever. But I needed to say it, and I honestly hope you get whatever kind of help you need to function without this kind of mess affecting you so much. I feel bad for you, but I think you have it within your own power to change the way you react to all this crap. So do it.

Narwhal

<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '020da69e-d7b0-43c1-a67b-193ac4907e46', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/6/020da69e-d7b0-43c1-a67b-193ac4907e46.medium.png" alt="" /></a>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:5c840c30-65fd-4806-9400-a331365dd412">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello Lovelies : Okay, as far as the cousin goes, I'd personally distance myself from her. I have had friends like that, and I no longer talk to them because they kept dragging me through their dangerous situations because they "needed" me, and then would put themselves right back INTO those situations. Also, I would have called the police. And I have called the police in similar situations. If your cousin didn't want the police involved in her life, then maybe she sould clean up her act. There are consequences for her choices. But yeah, I can be pretty callous about people who create their own problems. Been there, done that, got myself out of it. She needs a wake up call. Next time, call the police and then go back to your regularly scheduled life. But the thing with your dad acting like your relationship is a business relationship.... okay look... I'mma just say it and you can get offended and pissed if you want: You emailed your dad a pretty cold note about telling you how much money he's giving you and that you needed to know when and it needed to be in your account and whatever. I'm paraphrasing because I'm not going to go look it up right now. Anyway, YOU treated him like he was a business contact in that email. You were polite, sure. But you didn't treat him with the lovey-dovey understanding that you might think a daughter would show her father when he's honestly TRYING to help her pay for her wedding, but he's just not able to do what he wanted to do at the time. He must feel HORRIBLE for that drama affecting your wedding. And you just sent him this note saying that if he was giving you anything, you needed to know about it ASAP. That is the kind of email you send a business partner or maybe an obstinate client. Not someone you're trying to have a meaningful emotional relationship with. I'm sorry you think your dad is treating you with a little too much "cool-ness" for your liking. But maybe you shouldn't treat him that way, either. And for goodness sakes, get your act together. You let other people affect you WAY too much. You're always having drama with someone. Just get over it and live your life, man. No one can control other people, so stop worrying about them. Worry about YOURSELF. If they're trying to get you involved in their drama, then simply refuse to get involved. Don't answer the phone. Call the police to handle her psycho BF. Tell your mom you'll call her back when she's sane. I don't care what you do, but for goodness sake just chill out. There. I said it. Now I can go back to being diplomatic or whatever. But I needed to say it, and I honestly hope you get whatever kind of help you need to function without this kind of mess affecting you so much. I feel bad for you, but I think you have it within your own power to change the way you react to all this crap. So do it.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

tafft1

<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '4807570d-2af1-4633-9322-9a6c121d0275', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/8/3/4807570d-2af1-4633-9322-9a6c121d0275.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>



In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:5c840c30-65fd-4806-9400-a331365dd412">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello Lovelies : Okay, as far as the cousin goes, I'd personally distance myself from her. I have had friends like that, and I no longer talk to them because they kept dragging me through their dangerous situations because they "needed" me, and then would put themselves right back INTO those situations. Also, I would have called the police. And I have called the police in similar situations. If your cousin didn't want the police involved in her life, then maybe she sould clean up her act. There are consequences for her choices. But yeah, I can be pretty callous about people who create their own problems. Been there, done that, got myself out of it. She needs a wake up call. Next time, call the police and then go back to your regularly scheduled life. But the thing with your dad acting like your relationship is a business relationship.... okay look... I'mma just say it and you can get offended and pissed if you want: You emailed your dad a pretty cold note about telling you how much money he's giving you and that you needed to know when and it needed to be in your account and whatever. I'm paraphrasing because I'm not going to go look it up right now. Anyway, YOU treated him like he was a business contact in that email. You were polite, sure. But you didn't treat him with the lovey-dovey understanding that you might think a daughter would show her father when he's honestly TRYING to help her pay for her wedding, but he's just not able to do what he wanted to do at the time. He must feel HORRIBLE for that drama affecting your wedding. And you just sent him this note saying that if he was giving you anything, you needed to know about it ASAP. That is the kind of email you send a business partner or maybe an obstinate client. Not someone you're trying to have a meaningful emotional relationship with. I'm sorry you think your dad is treating you with a little too much "cool-ness" for your liking. But maybe you shouldn't treat him that way, either. And for goodness sakes, get your act together. You let other people affect you WAY too much. You're always having drama with someone. Just get over it and live your life, man. No one can control other people, so stop worrying about them. Worry about YOURSELF. If they're trying to get you involved in their drama, then simply refuse to get involved. Don't answer the phone. Call the police to handle her psycho BF. Tell your mom you'll call her back when she's sane. I don't care what you do, but for goodness sake just chill out. There. I said it. Now I can go back to being diplomatic or whatever. But I needed to say it, and I honestly hope you get whatever kind of help you need to function without this kind of mess affecting you so much. I feel bad for you, but I think you have it within your own power to change the way you react to all this crap. So do it.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

oceana919

Alright, I've tried to keep my distance from this stuff as much as possible (that old adage of "if you've got nothing nice to say" comes to mind), but I'm going to give you one of those "come to Jesus" talks. If anyone wants to construe that as me being a beotch, so be it.

Your cousin is an adult. She should be, as an adult, capable of dealing with her own life and her own problems. If she is aware that her SO is committing crimes or perpetuating behavior that could cause her harm, she (as a grown adult) has the capacity to stay or walk away. You are not her keeper.

You should have called the police. If there was any thought in your mind as to her being seriously injured or dead at the hands of her SO, why on earth would you send a relative in there? What if she had been dead? Your mother would have had to find her dead body. Or worse, what if he had still been in the apartment? Your mom could have gotten seriously hurt, or worse. If he's willing to hurt her, I highly doubt he wouldn't be willing to hurt someone else she cared about. If she calls you in a similar manner in the future, simply call the police. That is what they are there for. If there are things in that apartment that can get her in trouble, that's her problem, not yours.

You're pissed because you didn't recieve appreciation for sending your mom to your cousin's apartment. I'm sorry, but that just, well, reeks of entitlement and gets the hair up on the back of my neck. What did you expect - flowers? Your mom showed up at her apartment, practically beat the door down and created a mega scene at her apartment. Probably in front of her BF. You need to recognize that a) she's probably embarrassed as hell, and b) she's living with a ticking time bomb. If your cousin is in an abusive relationship, do you really think that it could take much more than that for your cousin's BF to get pissed and take it out on her? It may take some time for her to calm down and recognize that what you did was out of concern for her well-being, but frankly, I don't blame her for being pissed. I'd be furious at anyone if they opened up an opportunity (intentional or not) for my BF to whoop my arse. I'm not saying that's going to happen (and I honestly pray to God it doesn't), but it's a very realistic possibility, if the situation is as bad as you described.

Your mother is a self-righteous crazy beotch. Fine. You have the power and capability to decide how much you want to deal with her and on what parameters that lies. If your relationship is really that toxic, you better believe it will begin to impact your relationship with others. You need to consider walking away from the situation, even on a temporary basis. By going back again and again, expecting the results to be different, all you are doing is perpetuating the cycle and opening yourself up to more disappointment/heartache/frustration/hurt.

If there are family members that enable your mother's crazy behavior, you need to put distance between you and them. Period. You can still be family, you can still be civil...but you can also shut the conversation down when things turn to placating your mother's craziness.

Your dad...frankly, I can completely understand why your dad might be treating you coldly, or like a business associate, rather than his little girl. Based on the email you told us about, I imagine your father is incredibly hurt. Rather than recognizing the money he is trying to give to you to put towards your wedding as an incredibly generous gift on his behalf, you demand to know what amount he's giving you and that he deposit that in your bank account stat. I'm sorry, issues or not, I would never dream of speaking to my father that way, especially when it comes to the offering of a gift of that nature. Frankly, I think you owe your dad a big, fat apology and a giant dose of patience/understanding. The fact that you don't understand why your dad could possibly be treating you this way makes me think that you have a very hard time recognizing your own behavior and what portion of this situation you may be responsible for.

You are an adult. You, as an adult, have the capability to decide what you are willing to deal with, what you are not willing to deal with, and what constitutes "crossing that line" for you. I get that your family situation totally sucks, but you're coming here, week after week, crying about the same damn family issues, allowing it to completely devastate you, rather than taking a proactive step towards distancing yourself from it. My once abundant sympathy towards your situation is starting to run dry.

I get it. I've got one relative that throws an all-out nuclear meltdown anytime things don't go exactly their way, and they don't really care who they hurt in the process. I've got another that, once they decide they are mad/upset with you, they round up the wagons and involve the entire family in it, to the point where you get completely shut off from an entire half of your family. I've got another one that is more concerned with securing the best spot in their father's will than they are about their actual father, and they don't care who they hurt/alienate in the process. I've got an immediate family member who lets all of these situations get them so worked up and upset that they call me on a nearly daily basis, often crying, and vents to the point where I am so wound up internally, I'm shaking by the time I get off the phone. 

You chose how much or how little that this kind of stuff affects you. I let all the drama my family has spewed over the past several months (and my relatives' use of our wedding as ammo in the fight) get the best of me quite a lot over the last few months, to the point where I nearly called off our wedding so they wouldn't have anything else to fight with. And then, finally, after spending what should have been one of the most exciting periods of my life in an absolute state of anger/misery, I decided enough was enough. I walked away from all those situations. I maintain a degree of civility, but I don't engage in the drama or bullshit. When it starts, I shut it down or I walk away. Period. The End. Honestly, that was the best lightbulb moment I've had in a very long time. I wish I had had it a hell of a lot sooner.

You either need to have one of those lightbulb moments, or you're going to let the bullsh*t with other people turn you into a total mess and ruin what should be an exciting, happy period in your life. Because, no one is doing this to you. No one is holding a gun to your head and telling you that you have to let people treat you sh*tty or that you have to let other people's lives and business get so intertwined in your own that it affects your ability to function in everyday life. You need to live your life, and be accountable for you, and only you. You need to recognize your strengths and your flaws, you need to decide what you want and what you don't. You need to talk to whomever you need to, get whatever help you need to. You need to truly listen to what people are telling you, over and over and over again, and recognize that maybe, just maybe, there may be even a kernel of truth to it.  

desertsun

Just...learn to let things go, Shoes.

You can't control other people. So, share your opinions -- when asked -- in a calm, respectful way. Listen to the other person. TRY to have a constructive dialog. But if there is no chance of something positive coming out of the situation, learn to just say "Thanks for sharing your opinion with me." And then go on about your life.

You really can learn not to dwell. It just takes practice and coming to peace with realizing sometimes it's best to just let stuff roll of your back. Do what you think is right, and just refuse to engage in useless fights.

Hope the evaluation goes well today and that soon you're feeling better.

PaigeMcC

I really hope you're listening to all the advice that people are giving you, Shoes.  From what I see, you read it, agree and then continue on your merry way.  You don't listen.  You just let the drama eat at your life.  So please for God's sake LISTEN TO WHAT THESE LADIES ARE SAYING AND ACTUALLY FOLLOW THE ADVICE YOU HAVE SOLICITED.

Because they're a lot nicer than me.  I think you're a drama llama and I'm tired of responding to your posts because you don't listen.  The end.

loves2shop4shoes

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to type out very intelligent, well-thought-out posts.  

It kind of hurts my feelings when I'm called names and am told I don't listen.  There are so many different opinions on here that I can't possibly listen to them all at once without being contradictory...and also, with issues as complex and emotional as these, sometimes it IS difficult to put good advice into practice.  Also, as a side note, my relationship with my Dad has been businesslike for at least 4 years.  The wedding situation did not cause that.

Oceana, I can see your point about it being a bad idea to send my mom into that.  You're right.  If it happens again, I will call the police.

I went to the psychiatrist today and had an evaluation.  She says I have severe recurring depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and PTSD.  So she prescribed me Prozac.  It should take some time to kick in, but hopefully it will make me feel a little better.  I know that no medication can make all of my problems magically disappear, but I'm hoping the medication can help me more with the day to day.

[Deleted User]

Everyone has given some spot-on advice so far, shoes. Oceana is 100% right and I have something to add to it...
 
Your cousin is in the situation she is in for 8 years because she wants to be. She knows damn well what he's doing and she is doing nothing to get herself out of the situation. I'm referring to the illegal activity. I've been in that situation before. I knew what was going on in my apartment, I may not have been out on the street but I knew what was happening and I allowed it... so, if the police came to my door I would have had to deal with the consequences.

Luckily, that never happened and I got out of the situation before it did but the point is... if she's not smart enough or strong enough to handle her own life, it's not your responsiblity!! I understand worrying for her safety but at some point you have to 'let go and let God!'  If she texts you with "I need help" again... tell her to call the police... I get really heated when I hear about girls who are with men that beat them for years and they don't do anything about it... I'll be damned if a man is EVER gonna put his f*ckin hands on me!! but I understand that it happens... GROW A SET and GET OUT! IF she didn't want to be where she was, she wouldn't be... period!

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:28e88558-ef4a-4fe7-81b6-1c15530a0a06">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone has given some spot-on advice so far, shoes. Oceana is 100% right and I have something to add to it...   Your cousin is in the situation she is in for 8 years because she wants to be. She knows damn well what he's doing and she is doing nothing to get herself out of the situation. I'm referring to the illegal activity. I've been in that situation before. I knew what was going on in my apartment, I may not have been out on the street but I knew what was happening and I allowed it... so, if the police came to my door I would have had to deal with the consequences. Luckily, that never happened and I got out of the situation before it did but the point is... if she's not smart enough or strong enough to handle her own life, it's not your responsiblity!! I understand worrying for her safety but at some point you have to 'let go and let God!'  If she texts you with "I need help" again... tell her to call the police... I get really heated when I hear about girls who are with men that beat them for years and they don't do anything about it... I'll be damned if a man is EVER gonna put his f*ckin hands on me!! but I understand that it happens... GROW A SET and GET OUT! IF she didn't want to be where she was, she wouldn't be... period!
Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You're right.  It's just so frustrating to sit back and watch her stay with/constantly go back to someone who beats her.  Each time it gets worse, I think "This is it...she'll finally leave him" and then she never does.  He's given her two black eyes, he's split her lip, he's broken her ribs, and she just keeps going back.  I know she'll only leave when she's ready to...but honestly, I have no idea what will drive her to leave if she hasn't left by now.

</div>

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:7745de1f-eb77-4f5d-b8d7-3fb882e5c431">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your advice and taking the time to type out very intelligent, well-thought-out posts.   It kind of hurts my feelings when I'm called names and am told I don't listen.  There are so many different opinions on here that I can't possibly listen to them all at once without being contradictory...and also, with issues as complex and emotional as these, sometimes it IS difficult to put good advice into practice.  Also, as a side note, my relationship with my Dad has been businesslike for at least 4 years.  The wedding situation did not cause that. Oceana, I can see your point about it being a bad idea to send my mom into that.  You're right.  If it happens again, I will call the police. I went to the psychiatrist today and had an evaluation.  She says I have severe recurring depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and PTSD.  So she prescribed me Prozac.  It should take some time to kick in, but hopefully it will make me feel a little better.  <strong>I know that no medication can make all of my problems magically disappear, but I'm hoping the medication can help me more with the day to day.</strong>
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

You're absolutely right that medication doesn't make problems disappear overnight.

But it CAN make you feel stronger and better able to deal with things, and I do hope this is what happens for you. Don't be afraid to try another medication if the Prozac isn't helping after 3-4 weeks.

I really hope continued therapy and medication make a difference for you, Shoes.

Is there any progress on your wedding planning? Or is it better not to ask at this point?

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:7745de1f-eb77-4f5d-b8d7-3fb882e5c431">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your advice and taking the time to type out very intelligent, well-thought-out posts.  

It kind of hurts my feelings when I'm called names and am told I don't listen.

<strong>Understandable. It would hurt my feelings if I got called names that were unwarranted. But that's the thing...no one called you a name. They questioned whether or not you actually listen to what anyone says around here, but no one's calling you names. After the last major blowup around here, I don't think ANYONE is going to be calling anyone else names. I actually think people responded to your post in a respectful way, even if there was a lot of frustration/aggrevation in their posts. </strong>

There are so many different opinions on here that I can't possibly listen to them all at once without being contradictory...

<strong>That's the thing - you can. You can listen to each and every opinion, take the ones that you feel will be most appropriate for your situation, and follow them. Each person is coming from a different background/perspective, so you're going to get a wide variation of advice. Simply because there's a lot of viewpoints does not mean you should dismiss them all as a collective unit. </strong>

...and also, with issues as complex and emotional as these, sometimes it IS difficult to put good advice into practice.  

<strong>Family drama isn't easy. If it was, you wouldn't see so many f*ed up families out there. But you're not doing yourself (or the rational/sane people in your life, like your FI) any favors by allowing things/situations/people that are beyond your control virtually destroy your life and leave you in a non-functioning state of misery.</strong>

Also, as a side note, my relationship with my Dad has been businesslike for at least 4 years.  The wedding situation did not cause that.

<strong>It may not have caused it, but it certainly didn't help it. Can you not recognize that perhaps you may have contributed to the situation with your email and your reaction to the wedding money issues? Honestly, this is what bothers me the most about the whole post. </strong>

Oceana, I can see your point about it being a bad idea to send my mom into that.  You're right.  If it happens again, I will call the police.

<strong>It's easy not to see that perspective when you're in a panic and are trying to make a decision on the fly/in the heat of the moment. But it's definitely something to consider for the next time. If it gets your cousin in trouble, that's her problem - she's better off in trouble than in the hospital or the morgue.</strong>

I went to the psychiatrist today and had an evaluation.  She says I have severe recurring depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and PTSD.  So she prescribed me Prozac.  It should take some time to kick in, but hopefully it will make me feel a little better.  I know that no medication can make all of my problems magically disappear, but I'm hoping the medication can help me more with the day to day.

<strong>I can only speak for me, but being placed on anti-d's made a HUGE difference in my concentration levels, my ability to think and focus, my ability to sleep, and my overall emotional state. I still have really rough days, but they are NOTHING compared to what they were before I sought out medical assistance. They're not a miracle cure, and they'll take a while to take full effect, but once they do, I imagine you will feel a lot better.

One thing to consider (PLEASE) - medication is only one component. Coming from someone who's dealt with depression, panic attacks and PTSD, and watched family members deal with a wide variety of emotional/psychological issues and disorders, the most effective way to handle a problem like that is a two-pronged approach - medication and therapy. Please consider talking to someone, even if it's just once a month. None of us are professionals or experts - having someone that is independent of your life, looking in from the outside on a professional level - will help you get these issues out in the open, and possibly get to the root of why you feel the way you do and what the healthiest way for you to handle the situations are. Because, right now, you're not living a healthy life...not for you, and not for your relationship. You owe it to him and (most importantly) you to live a healthier, happier life. </strong>

Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

loves2shop4shoes

Oceana- You give good advice.  The name I was referring to was "drama llama".  I can see that the email may not have helped matters with my dad.  I don't want you to think that I dismiss all advice.  I don't. I DO take some advice...that's why I keep posting on here.  Also, I do go to therapy once a week.  I plan on continuing therapy with the medication.  Also, I like you.

Desert-  No progress on the wedding.  I think FI and I are currently on a wedding-talk hiatus.  It's just sorta the least of my worries right now.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:0bb4cdb0-d814-46eb-a736-221a134b1c34">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]Oceana- You give good advice.  The name I was referring to was "drama llama".  I can see that the email may not have helped matters with my dad.  I don't want you to think that I dismiss all advice.  I don't. I DO take some advice...that's why I keep posting on here.  Also, I do go to therapy once a week.  I plan on continuing therapy with the medication.  Also, I like you. <strong>Desert-  No progress on the wedding.  I think FI and I are currently on a wedding-talk hiatus.  It's just sorta the least of my worries right now.</strong>
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I actually think it's pretty smart to take a break. I think I even advised you to do so awhile back. :) 

GL with everything and of course please keep us updated. :)

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hello-lovelies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f06fbda-e3a3-415f-8fd3-79d598f56b8fPost:0bb4cdb0-d814-46eb-a736-221a134b1c34">Re: Hello Lovelies</a>:
[QUOTE]Oceana- You give good advice.  The name I was referring to was "drama llama".  I can see that the email may not have helped matters with my dad.  I don't want you to think that I dismiss all advice.  I don't. I DO take some advice...that's why I keep posting on here.  Also, I do go to therapy once a week.  I plan on continuing therapy with the medication.  Also, I like you. Desert-  No progress on the wedding. <strong> I think FI and I are currently on a wedding-talk hiatus.  It's just sorta the least of my worries right now.
</strong>Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

That's probably the best thing you can do. Take a step back, deal with the issues at hand, and go back to planning when you can fully enjoy it. It's a sucky, stressful process, but it's also fun and exciting. You should be able to enjoy it to the max.