can't end my affair - help me?

ljsquintz

OP you are extremely selfish.  I almost hope you are also a troll.  But if you are not, you need to end this with both people NOW.  This is not fair to your FI and your "lover" (not sure what else to refer to him as) is just as awful as you for cheating on his wife.  You obviously do not know what love is; you are not in love with either of them.  Lust with your lover maybe, not love.  Read the traditional wedding vows, they actually mean something and it's disgusting that you are even thinking about disrespecting the vows and your FI in that way.  There is no way you can stand up and say those things to your FI.

[Deleted User]

OP, you suck. You don't love your FI. The only person you love is yourself, going after your own selfish desires and refusing your FI the respect he deserves. I can't believe you would let him marry you under such false pretenses. What kind of crappy person are you?

cwaggoner07

I'm just (seriously) wondering what the magic number of posts will help her make the right decision. I guarantee all of these responses are carbon copy from the last time OP came here to tell this story. She's not hearing ANYTHING new.
She says she needs more convincing... I love all the girls on TK, but they don't tally up to make my decisions for me. I make my own grown up decisions.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:ead78e82-dd74-4151-a067-15b1cb1d737f">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : I saw this somewhere else today, <strong><u>and it is a lot of bullshit</u></strong>.  There are plenty of people who have strayed from relationships, or had feelings for someone else, only to go back and realize that the first person is the one they should be with.  Just because someone fell for someone second, doesn't mean that it's the right person for him or her to be with.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

FTFY.

mbody

You need to tell your FI. It's SO UNFAIR for you to lead him on. He's taking VOWS to love and you know, FORSAKE ALL OTHERS, for the rest of his life. How on earth would you be able to actually stand at the alter and say those things to him and in front of your friends/family knowing that you couldn't even make it through the entire engagement without being faitful?

HE needs to decide what he wants to do about this situation. And he needs ALL the information. 

This isn't the Bachelor, this is real life. Come clean.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:ead78e82-dd74-4151-a067-15b1cb1d737f">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : I saw this somewhere else today, and I really think this is a lot of bullshit.  There are plenty of people who have strayed from relationships, or had feelings for someone else, only to go back and realize that the first person is the one they should be with.  Just because someone fell for someone second, doesn't mean that it's the right person for him or her to be with.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]



Plus they keep going back to the first person also. So yeah, I don't get it.

EmilyW416

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d46dad5b-25eb-40cd-ad08-8f7630df522d">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]There's definitely a quote something to the effect of "<strong>If you ever have to choose between two people you love, choose the second person. If you truly loved the first you never would have fallen for the second." </strong>You don't love you fiance. It will be hard, and embarrassing, to call the wedding off now, but if you ever really cared about him, you will do what is best for HIM, what is fair for HIM. You will live through being embarrassed. I promise. 
Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

Johnny Depp said it. I agree I was going to post that :). You NEED to tell him

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:9972b01c-e42e-44fb-af00-d22b741f6217">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Johnny Depp said it. I agree I was going to post that :). You NEED to tell him
Posted by EmilyW416[/QUOTE]

Oh, well since HE said it, I guess that makes it completely 110% true! Silly me.

ceh789

Johnny Depp is a well respected authority on relationships.  We should do everything he says.

EmilyW416

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:6a4149cf-e2dc-40e1-82ed-2543ce96ea2b">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Oh, well since HE said it, I guess that makes it completely 110% true! Silly me.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

Im nto sayings uts true, Im just saying who the quotes from

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:6a4149cf-e2dc-40e1-82ed-2543ce96ea2b">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Oh, well since HE said it, I guess that makes it completely 110% true! Silly me.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

<div>Johnny Depp is clearly an example of authority on the subject. </div><div>
</div><div>OP where you at? I still want to know what your friends think about this....</div>

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:6a4149cf-e2dc-40e1-82ed-2543ce96ea2b">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Oh, well since HE said it, I guess that makes it completely 110% true! Silly me.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]
I was just gonna say...since Johnny Depp is a paragon of healthy marriage and all that.  Not that I am, of course.  But still.  I think it's a lot of bullshit.

cwaggoner07

I think the quote is irrelevant because she's not (or should not) be choosing between the two. She should leave them both and get some serious counseling.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:c0ece18b-ac1f-40cb-968a-382f8b0769ba">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the quote is irrelevant because she's not (or should not) be choosing between the two. She should leave them both and get some serious counseling.
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Even if she chooses her cheating partner, he is still married!

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:c0ece18b-ac1f-40cb-968a-382f8b0769ba">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the quote is irrelevant because she's not (or should not) be choosing between the two. She should leave them both and get some serious counseling.
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

<div>But she wants to have her cake and eat it too.  </div>

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d00b6195-f303-4670-801c-cc19517aff88">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Im nto sayings uts true, Im just saying who the quotes from
Posted by EmilyW416[/QUOTE]

Ist irrelevant ifon, kown waht i maen?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:998e5a41-d98d-4d04-98da-dce75e183835">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Ist irrelevant ifon, kown waht i maen?
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]
Holy crap, sweet Midge.  Was that snark?

I feel like I need to lie down.  The world has gone crazy.

ttt222

I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish.

It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become.

I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that.

What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that.

The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:72ac883c-82a9-45af-b84a-382de755b5ac">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Holy crap, sweet Midge.  Was that snark? I feel like I need to lie down.  The world has gone crazy.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

:) Sometimes I just can't take the misspellings and out of order letters anymore.

Is this better?

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/1/76fd3cb2-4fe6-4eed-814b-6ada3b252b0c.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/1/76fd3cb2-4fe6-4eed-814b-6ada3b252b0c.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

MrsMack10612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. <strong>I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
</strong>Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  I hate to tell you but your relationship is already tainted, just because he doesn't know doesn't make that any less true.  You've tainted it yourself with your actions.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

Yes the trust would be gone, no question but at least you would've told him yourself and not let him find out some other way! You two would need to go into therapy together to move past it, if you're really committed to making it work you can. But not telling him is living a lie, and you have to get this other guy out of the equation.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:96954ca4-11b7-4fa8-bbcc-3d8620cf2452">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : This is probably the most selfish, petty group of sentences I've ever heard in my life.<strong> I NEVER thought I would use this line on TK, but damn, I do feel very sorry for your FI. </strong>
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>I was thinking this exact same thing. Especially this last part.</div><div>
</div><div>Not telling him about the fair is still completely dishonest, even if you end it.  He's going to find out eventually, better from you than someone else. </div>

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]
I think it is great that you are admitting to yourself that you need to cut this married man out of your life.  I think that shows a little maturity.  HOWEVER.  The last paragraph just makes me sad, and reiterates my belief that you ARE too immature to get married.

OF COURSE it is going to taint your relationship.  OF COURSE there will be a breach of trust.  You no longer deserve to have your FI's trust -- you cheated on him, multiple times, for months, with another man.  You have not earned that trust. 

Trust is difficult to earn and very, very easy to lose.  If your FI is willing to forgive you, seek counseling with you, and try to learn to trust you again, then you may have a chance to rebuild that trust.  Again I say: it is NOT fair to your FI to marry him under these false pretenses.  You are not doing him a favor.  The only person you are doing a favor for is yourself, because under the guise of protecting him, you are protecting your image. 

Affairs come out.  Whether it comes out now or in a few years is still in question, but it will come out in the end.  And maybe if I appeal to your sense of self-salvation, it will work.  If he finds out that you were having an affair after you got married, he can (and most likely will) take you to court for everything you have.   By marrying him under these false pretenses, you run the risk of losing EVERYTHING -- your reputation, your money, your goods, everything.  By confessing now, you will -- regardless of whether he stays with you or leaves you -- save yourself a divorce.  Think about it.

ski2play

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. <strong>The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
</strong>Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

You need to put on your big girl panties and own it!  You can't be mature and mentally stable enough to be married if you are going in with the above mindset.  You confessing is going to taint your relationship, what what kind of relationship do you honestly have if you are willing to screw around on your FI? 

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me.<strong> I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
</strong>Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]
YOU tainted the relationship when YOU cheated on your fiance. Confessing will only make him aware of it, and he needs to be aware.

At the very least, like bare minimum action, postpone the wedding NOW. I think you should tell your FI why, but it sounds like you don't want to, so fine. At least postpone the wedding. Do not go through with it. Your vows will be lies and your fiance (then HUSBAND) will discover your lies at some point and the embarrassment will be so much worse than it would be right now. Do NOT go through with this wedding until you figure out what you want to do and you come clean to your FI.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:ea98097c-bbbb-4247-b254-c2c6d922c007">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Seriously?  I hate to tell you but your relationship is already tainted, just because he doesn't know doesn't make that any less true.  You've tainted it yourself with your actions.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

150% this. I'd be willing to argue that it's even <em>more</em> tainted because you haven't told him. You say you love him and the only way to prove that right now is to tell him what you have been doing. RIGHT NOW. He deserves to know from you what has been going on. He can make his decision from there and you need to respect it. Whatever that is.

cwaggoner07

I'm going to be easy for a second and assume that in this best case scenario, you leave the married man, and go on to have a happy marriage with your FI, and never think about the other man again.
I just honestly do not know how that is supposed to happen the way you currently see it. My mom always said you are the same person married as you are single. Your thoughts don't change, your desires don't change. The day after the wedding you are still you, and he is still him. And if this is truly not working now, it's not going to work after a big party.

If the above scenario is EVER going to work, and work out in a true and honorable way, you need to drop the married man (for REAL), humbly come to your FI to confess and ask for forgiveness (and MEAN it) and go from there. That doesn't mean he is going to stick around, but you will be able to live with yourself. And if you were able to live with yourself currently, you wouldn't be coming to a message board to take advice from strangers.

baystateapple

I you, Midge.

Megbo2012

Oh and if you are worried about being embaressed if you tell and the engagement is postponed you will be just as embaressed, if not more, when he does find out, and then that cats out of the bag (that you were cheating before blah blah) 

egeurts

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<div>As a former cheater, I will tell you, you will lose. That's the consequence you pay for cheating. That doesn't mean you don't owe it to your FI to confess what you have done. You might love him, I too disagree with the people who tell you you dont; they aren't you and they don't know how you feel. BUT you do need to cut out the second guy. Completely. AND you need to tell your FI what you've done, and let him decide what to do with your relationship. From the sounds of things, he'll probably leave. That's the price you pay. Even if he does, deal with it, and don't go back. Trust is going to be gone no matter what you do. Your relationship is going to be tainted no matter what. Even if you work it out, postpone your wedding, and most of all, let your FI decide. You screwed up, it's no longer your decision. You've been selfish, you don't get to be selfish anymore, now is time to hand over the reigns to the man you claim to love and let him decide what to do with your sorry ass. If you can't do that, then you don't feel about him the way you claim to. Like I said, I've been there, done that. </div>