can't end my affair - help me?

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:29b83963-5384-4f9d-8857-61bd3f229a03">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm done with this post now. I really do appreciate the advice and really do plan to try to follow as much of it as possible, but <strong>there isn't any need for people to be so mean</strong>. goodbye.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]
Who was mean? We're all being honest and blunt and trying to get you to understand what you need to do. Blunt honesty is NOT the same as meanness.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Well, I do feel sorry for her.  She's obviously very fuckedup for having gotten herself into this train wreck of a life she's living.  That's got to suck.

The fact of the matter is, she DID get herself into this mess.  The train is on the tracks, and she has to realize that she needs to nut up and get the ball rolling on an exit strategy.  OP - at least if you come clean to your FI, then this all happens on your watch.  I shudder to think how it would all go down if he found out on his own.  Yikes.

You can't NOT see that you need to do the right thing, yes?  How would you feel if the tables were turned and it was your FI cheating on you with a married woman?  You made this bed, now you need to lie in it (or maybe quit lying in it).

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:dfe5d2f6-fea9-468a-85bd-30cfbfacfdfa">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : You do the lawyer thang, Red ... if she gives him something incurable, is that something he can use against her in the divorce hearing? I mean,<strong> </strong>I know you can't sue a partner for giving you a disease (At least, I'm pretty sure you can't) ... but since it would be the product of an extra-marital affair, could the husband possibly receive more from her in the divorce as some type of compensation?
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

1. If they knowingly gave you a disease you can sue them (in several states)

2. Each state is different and I'm not aware of case law (as it has never come up in my cases), but I sure as hell would try to use it to get everything & alimony (even if she didn't know she had it).

ceh789

I'm not a lawyer but I remember someone sued Michael Vick for giving her herpes.  Even if she doesn't win, how humiliating would it be to have that in the public record.  Way more humiliating than cancelling a wedding.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:dfe5d2f6-fea9-468a-85bd-30cfbfacfdfa">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : You do the lawyer thang, Red ... if she gives him something incurable, is that something he can use against her in the divorce hearing? I mean, I know you can't sue a partner for giving you a disease (At least, I'm pretty sure you can't) ... but since it would be the product of an extra-marital affair, <strong>could the husband possibly receive more from her in the divorce as some type of compensation?</strong>
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

<div>I know this wasn't directed at me, but I had a case once a few years ago where the husband brought home herpes and gave it to the wife.  It would have been an alimony case anyway, but she got substantially more than she would have.  He also had to pay her cobra until she turned 65, which is hella expensive.  </div>

Bett2012

I agree with PPs - not only do you need to choose between your men - FI or affair boy, you need to be open with FI about what is happening right now. He deserves to know, and you're building your life on foundation that is not solid.

cwaggoner07

I can't stop thinking about how sick I am for her FI and the married man's wife.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:730fe930-e1e6-4b44-97ca-830160f2f3c7">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for those of you who are able to show me at least a tiny bit of sympathy. Appreciate your advice from experience, egeurts. I know that I am being selfish. I also realize that I am not ready for marriage.  I agree with all the logic about confessing and being honest with my FI, just the idea of actually doing it is so hard.  I know it's also weird for me to seek advice on a message board, but I have one friend plus my counselor who I have been talking to about this, and because it is such a private issue, I haven't wanted to tell anyone else, but have really appreciated the multiple opinions.  
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<div>When you go and do the right thing, come back.  I'm sure you'll find people who are much more sympathetic and willing to help you heal, even when you were at fault.  </div><div>
</div><div>Right now, you don't need sympathy.  You need to see just how real and just how awful your actions are.  </div><div>
</div><div>You say you love your FI.  If that's even partially true, you need to realize that this is so, so wrong, and that he doesn't deserve it.  Suck it up and do the right thing.  </div>

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d6b22ff7-597d-4221-ac74-d401bc648566">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : I know this wasn't directed at me, but I had a case once a few years ago where the husband brought home herpes and gave it to the wife.  It would have been an alimony case anyway, but she got substantially more than she would have.  He also had to pay her cobra until she turned 65, which is hella expensive.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I know it's impossible to actually compensate somebody for being given an incurable disease ... but it's nice to know that if you bring that shiz into a marriage, there's potential to be punished for it later on. You go, Justice System, and get down with your bad self!

Megbo2012

OP FFS what you are doing to your FI is mean. We were just being honest, which does not equal mean. And I don't feel sorry for you. If I was your ONE friend I would have told your FI what was up a long time ago. What you are doing is SO wrong.

kellyeliz

This is heartbreaking. OP you are weak. If you aren't ready to get married you shouldn't be getting married! It's not something you do just because you are too afraid to be honest with yourself and your FI.

Bett2012

I just read more of the thread including the "if you ever have to choose, pick the second"

That is SUCH a selfish piece of advice.... it's all about making you happy in the moment.. what's to say there won't be a third guy if you allow yourself to follow this advice?

I say, if you're at the point of marriage of course, if you ever have to choose, pick the first, because you made a commitment to him. Marriage is not a feeling or "how can my man satisfy me" agenda.. marriage is a day by day choice to remain faithful to the one you promised yourself to.

this is so disrespectful to your FI, the boy's wife (i can't call him a man..real men don't cheat on their wives) and to marriage in general.

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:177622dd-8bc3-491c-8d0f-bd4e78613bc5">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE] I say, if you're at the point of marriage of course, if you ever have to choose, pick the first, because you made a commitment to him. Posted by Bett2012[/QUOTE]

If you're at the point of marriage, there shouldn't be any "choosing" involved. You shouldn't get to that point in a relationship with somebody that you can't actually commit to. If you get to that point, and you're feeling torn between 2 people for some reason, you shouldn't choose the first one just because you're planning a wedding with them. You should do the right thing, be honest with the person you're cheating on and let <strong>them</strong> choose if that's something they even want to work on.
 
Frankly, if DH came to me before the wedding (Or even now) and said "FYI, I'm sleeping with somebody else ... but I want to be married to you anyway", I'd admire his balls for a whole 2 seconds before kicking his dishonest ass to the curb. Once you cheat, you're at your partner's mercy as to whether or not the relationship continues, imo.

Kimmyznc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:177622dd-8bc3-491c-8d0f-bd4e78613bc5">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read more of the thread including the "if you ever have to choose, pick the second" That is SUCH a selfish piece of advice.... it's all about making you happy in the moment.. what's to say there won't be a third guy if you allow yourself to follow this advice? I say, if you're at the point of marriage of course, if you ever have to choose, pick the first, because <strong>you made a commitment to him</strong>. Marriage is not a feeling or "how can my man satisfy me" agenda.. marriage is a day by day choice to remain faithful to the one you promised yourself to. this is so disrespectful to your FI, the boy's wife (i can't call him a man..real men don't cheat on their wives) and to marriage in general.
Posted by Bett2012[/QUOTE]

I do understand what you're saying. I guess I took it more as you have already royally screwed the 1st and I don't see how you possibly are so in love with that person if you can do this to them. Repeatedly. You don't deserve the 1st if you allowed yourself to ever fall for a 2nd. My thoughts in a nutshell? The situation is sad. Period. She needs to at this point do what is best for her FI. Be honest and give him the decision to do what he wants.

[Deleted User]

So.... I know she said she was leaving the post forever but is anyone else curious as to what exactly her current relationship is fufuilling? She said that the married guy was filling the emotional and physical voids in her current relationship. That's a a pretty big void.

OP, if you happen to be hanging around, what exactly are you holding on to with your current relationship? It sounds to me like maybe things with your current relationship aren't exactly as peachy as you make it sound. It's okay to change your mind or grow apart from someone. It happens. Sometimes it's hard to admit that the plan you had for yourself and the future between you and someone else isn't going to pan out. However the way are you handling it (if this is the case) is absolutely terrible.

I was engaged several years back; 3 months from being married when I found out he cheated on me. The worst part was, he hid it from me. He lied to me. Granted cheating, whether they tell you about it our not is devastating, there may have been a chance for us if he had just come clean.

It's been said a billion times over but end the thing with the married guy. If he's going to cheat on his wife, he'll probably cheat on you. That's if he actually leave his wife which is not extremely likely. If you want even the slightest chance of working out your current relationship you need to tell him. He will find out (I did) and the longer you wait the worse the outcome will be.

In all honesty though, you don't deserve your current guy if you're willing to do this to him. Screwing up is one thing but continuously doing something that you KNOW is wrong shows a total lack of respect for him.

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aff02de9-651a-4132-b653-b5d73214389f">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]So.... I know she said she was leaving the post forever but is anyone else curious as to what exactly her current relationship is fufuilling? She said that the married guy was filling the emotional and physical voids in her current relationship. That's a a pretty big void. OP, if you happen to be hanging around, <strong>what exactly are you holding on to with your current relationship? </strong>It sounds to me like maybe things with your current relationship aren't exactly as peachy as you make it sound. It's okay to change your mind or grow apart from someone. It happens. Sometimes it's hard to admit that the plan you had for yourself and the future between you and someone else isn't going to pan out. However the way are you handling it (if this is the case) is absolutely terrible. I was engaged several years back; 3 months from being married when I found out he cheated on me. The worst part was, he hid it from me. He lied to me. Granted cheating, whether they tell you about it our not is devastating, there may have been a chance for us if he had just come clean. It's been said a billion times over but end the thing with the married guy. If he's going to cheat on his wife, he'll probably cheat on you. That's if he actually leave his wife which is not extremely likely. If you want even the slightest chance of working out your current relationship you need to tell him. He will find out (I did) and the longer you wait the worse the outcome will be. In all honesty though, you don't deserve your current guy if you're willing to do this to him. Screwing up is one thing but continuously doing something that you KNOW is wrong shows a total lack of respect for him.
Posted by MissD611[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm pretty sure she's hanging onto a diamond and a PPD.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:661aaf7e-d969-417a-b3e7-3971c960183f">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : I'm pretty sure she's hanging onto a diamond and a PPD.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]


Yeah, sadly that's the vibe I'm getting too. Poor guy.

Zazulak

There has to be someone "smart" enough to somehow find out who this chick is and like, post this thread on her facebook or something.

Wouldn't that be fun!

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:ec2a4257-a3fa-4618-98e9-fb7a8f36c82a">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]There has to be someone "smart" enough to somehow find out who this chick is and like, post this thread on her facebook or something. Wouldn't that be fun!
Posted by Zazulak[/QUOTE]

No.  These boards are meant to be anonymous.  You don't go after people in their personal lives.  People who think like you are why we warn brides all the time to not divulge their names or email addresses.

gobblebunny

No one is after you, here. They're all just being bluntly honest and giving their best advice. Like I said before, it's only fair that you come clean about this with your FI; you owe him the honesty. If you really love him, wouldn't you be honest with him about things? He doesn't deserve to get hurt like this, especially with your wedding being so close. Honesty, trust and faithfullness are crucial in a relationship, but especially a marriage, all three in which you seem to be living against.  The right thing really is to listen to your heart...hopefully it'll tell you to leave the second man behind for good and work on coming clean and trying to fix things with your FI.

Zazulak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:9d81003d-6f06-49f9-b2b9-5bacb0991f95">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : No.  These boards are meant to be anonymous.  You don't go after people in their personal lives.  People who think like you are why we warn brides all the time to not divulge their names or email addresses.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Lol, you do realize that I wasn't possibly being serious! My bad, I know sarcasm doesn't always work properly on the internet.

Although I did find it amusing to think of what her fiance would do should he happen on this thread, some way, some how. I know that mine knows me well enough to be able to interpret my "style" of talking on the internet! And maybe I shouldn't say amusing - that's the wrong word. That's terrible of me, actually. There is nothing amusing at all about him finding something like this...but you get my point, I think. Never mind.

OP, if you're still reading this, which I imagine you are, you really, really need to trust me when I say that you can't continue a relationship with your fiance. You can't. Call off your wedding, say you got cold feet and aren't ready, and never speak to him again. You don't have to tell anyone the real reason why - but you need to understand that if you refuse to give him a reason, that's going to hurt just as much. The important part is that you cannot continue to be romantically involved with him (either of them, for that matter). As others have said, the relationship is tainted and it can't ever go back to what it was, no matter how bad you want to just forget about it and keep on with your life - cuz that's what's easiest right? Everyone is most comfortable with what they are familiar with; it's scary changing your life like that, regardless of right or wrong or whatever. 

Before I started dating my now-fiance, I was romanticaly involved with someone else (surprise surprise). I wasn't nearly in the situation you were in...but I can understand how hard it can be to actually take that step and make that change from something you're so accustomed to, to something you have no idea about. You don't know what's going to happen once you make the right choice and leave, and it's terrifying. I get that. 

Just know that it all gets better and by the sounds of it, you need some time to sort yourself out. Take some time and start new when you're ready - find yourself a brand new man one day and leave all this behind you. Sooner is better than later.  

Note: definitely no sympathy here - empathy, yes. You're a human being and although what you're doing is wrong, you can make it right. It's not easy but it's within you to do!

melntaitt

You are not ready to be married. I say cancel and figure out how to get your own sh*t together before you consider any relationships.

It's pretty obvious from your post that FI is not the one for you - and that's fine. You just need to walk away from that poor guy before you do anymore damage.

AFWIW, noone should have to convince you to do the right thing; if you know what the right thing is to do and you don't do it, you're just a bad person. No justifications, advice or validation is going to make you less of a bad person. Right now, you're a horrible person for doing this. Get your sh*t together before getting it together with someone else.

melanieky

"Please do your FI a favor and confess to him what you have said here. He deserves to know the truth and know who he is marrying before he makes that commitment.

As heinous as it is that you're cheating on him, it's even worse to let him go into this marriage thinking that you've been faithful, only to find out later that you have not been. And he will find out. I promise you that."

I agree with this post!! You need to break up with this 2nd guy and probably break up with your fiance and be alone for a while to figure out what you want! Its not fair to your fiance or to you.

harlequinclown74

There is a website you can look into www.survivinginfedelity.com

Reason I am posting thyat site is because there is a section including a forum for people who are having the affiars. Perhaps you can find the answers you're looking for there. I have no advice, I was heavily cheated on in my last marriage and it was devastating. No one deserves it ever. 

janene1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:97aebe26-b208-433f-bcbe-fbba8d5aad15">can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few months ago I posted about how I was cheating on my fiance, and a lot of you gave me really good advice about how I definitely needed to end the affair and should probably postpone my engagement as well--none of which I was able to actually listen to. My wedding date is now VERY QUICKLY approaching (nevermind what my profile says - trying to be anonymous here) and my affair has continued, and I have fallen even further for this 2nd guy. I'm still very much in love with my fiance, very, very much and don't want to hurt him at all and really do want to marry him. However, I am quite sure I am in love with the 2nd guy also. I kind of think you are all going to tell me the same things - to either end the affair or postpone the wedding (which seriously is right around the corner now). I contemplated postponing and have decided that is not what I want to do. Especitally now that it would be such short notice. <strong>So now my real question is what to do about this second guy.</strong> I feel like I don't have the will power to let go of him. I'm seriously head over heels for him. I don't think we have the kind of potential that me and my fiance have, but we have a connection unlike anything I've ever had with anyone else. We both keep talking about how we need to end it (he's married) but we both seem unable to do so nor do either of us really ever actually mean it. Please help, but realize, I need some damn good convincing. Thanks so much.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

Two options here:
1. stop talking to #2 and make it clear to him you're done.
2. don't marry #1 right now.
Honestly, you need to think logically about this.  You're clearly blindsinded.  I feel so sorry for #1 (if he can even be called that b/c clearly he ISN'T your number 1).
You are being really, really, really selfish. 

lilbitbeaker

what you feel is not love. 
infatuation... lust... these are more likely what you are feeling. 

if you truly love a person you will never wish them harm or pain in anyway even if they have hurt you. 

if you truly love someone then when you have had a hard, bad day at work, it is all forgotten once they smile at you.
you never notice when the nights out on the town turn into quiet nights curled up in their arms, watching something on tv that you weren't really interested in anyhow because its just being in their arms that matters.
that you would rather be cleaning the house together than playing on the beach without them.
its learning to make their favorite dinner just because its their favorite even though that certain food may make your nose crinkle.
Its learning to agree to disagree, and kissing them just to let them know that we were still good.... even if they couldn't admit that I was right and they were wrong
Its learning to sleep through their loud snores, and accepting that, when sick, they are a big baby.
Its rolling your eyes at the puddled foot prints leading from the shower or the finger track left in the peanut butter. 
Its knowing that you can expect dirty underward not in the hamper but next to it.
its knowing what they want without them having to say it just from the look on their face or the tone of the sigh they make. 
Its risking the pain of losing him simply because life without them, even just the memory of them, is not life at all.


you need to end this with guy number 2. 
he is married. 
think of his poor wife whom the 2 of you are intentionally hurting. 
think of your fi whom the 2 of you are intentionally hurting. 

end the affair. 

postpone your wedding.

tell your fi about the affair and get into counceling asap.

if you dont end this affair and you still get married it will be 10 times harder to end when he finds out about the affair. 
and what if children are involved?

this of all the cosmic damage you are causing just because you think you love 2 people? 

be smart for once and listen

jemmini6

Grow the F up, tell your FI and cancel the wedding so he can find someone that actually deserves him.  NO ONE deserves to be cheated on.  Your 'lover' needs to confess to his wife too because he's just as big of an asshole as you are.

Also, karma is a bitch.  I'm sure one day you'll have the same thing happen to you and realize what an awful, horrible thing you are doing to someone you pretend to love (and you are fooling yourself if you really think you love your FI).

Mrw218

Um...pretty sure damage is done. Even if you tell married affair guy that you are done you can't just go on with the wedding like nothing happened. This isn't an either/ or scenario. You must break off affair and you must fess to fiancé and decide to give him choice or just not marry him. The latter option of continuing on without telling him is cruel, dishonest, and all around disturbing that you could decide to set someone else's life up for failure like that. And since you seem to be more interested in your own self preservation, your life will be run by anxiety and panic bc of guilt with this secret so you will never be able to fully give yourself to him or be happy/ content with your relationship.