can't end my affair - help me?

midgetthemighty

you too Bay!

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me. <strong>I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship.
</strong>Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<strong><u>Your relationship is already tainted</u></strong>. He will find out somehow from someone sometime.

You didn't just have a random f*ck (not saying he wouldn't need to know this either but...) You are STILL having an affair. Your FI needs to know. Period. End of Story.

If you fail to tell him, your marriage will be built on a lie. You will be guilty, probably cheat again, and at some point he will find out (maybe the lover's wife will tell him) and he will be 10x more hurt and you will have to deal with it in divorce court (no fixing it then). Tell him now and then maybe you will have a much stronger relationship later. Hide it and your relationship will end one way or another. 

ttt222

Thanks for those of you who are able to show me at least a tiny bit of sympathy. Appreciate your advice from experience, egeurts.

I know that I am being selfish. I also realize that I am not ready for marriage. 

I agree with all the logic about confessing and being honest with my FI, just the idea of actually doing it is so hard. 

I know it's also weird for me to seek advice on a message board, but I have one friend plus my counselor who I have been talking to about this, and because it is such a private issue, I haven't wanted to tell anyone else, but have really appreciated the multiple opinions.
 

GoodLuckBear14

Regardless of whether you love him, you have absolutely no respect for your FI.

Megbo2012

Also, you say you love your FI. I'm not going to say anything about that, but you clearly do not respect your FI. Which is a huge aspect to love, marriage, commitment and all that jazz. 

HobokensFury

I've got nothing to add except I hope you go through with your wedding and your FI gets everything in the divorce when he finds out he married a liar and a cheat.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:4b09e13d-3a2b-44ec-a22d-4a5fa0f7ff26">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : I have absolutely no sympathy for you, sorry. I just hope you do the right thing for your FI and tell him the truth. And probably get tested while you're at it. Who knows who else the married man <strong>has been rolling around with.</strong>
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ha! This made me seriously el oh el. </div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:730fe930-e1e6-4b44-97ca-830160f2f3c7">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for those of you who are able to show me at least a tiny bit of sympathy. Appreciate your advice from experience, egeurts. I know that I am being selfish. <strong>I also realize that I am not ready for marriage.</strong>  I agree with all the logic about confessing and being honest with my FI, <strong>just the idea of actually doing it is so hard</strong>.  I know it's also weird for me to seek advice on a message board, but I<strong> have one friend plus my counselor who I have been talking to about this</strong>, and because it is such a private issue, I haven't wanted to tell anyone else, but have really appreciated the multiple opinions.  
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]
1.) If you realize you are not ready for marriage, then you need to postpone RIGHT NOW. As I said in my earlier post (at the top of this page), at the very least, bare minimum, you need to postpone the wedding. Fine, you don't want to confess to FI right now, but at least postpone the wedding. Especially since you are fully aware you are not ready for marriage.

2.) Yes, it's hard. Life is hard. Being an adult and putting on your big girl panties is hard. But you need to grow up, accept your responsibilities and consequences for your actions, and come clean. In the short term, it is harder to be honest and tell your FI, but in the long term it will be easier because you will not get caught post-wedding in your lies by your then-H.

3.) What does your friend say? Personally, I would lose all respect for my friend if she was doing what you are doing to your FI. I have zero patience and zero respect for cheaters, and that includes those who knowingly cheat with a married man/woman (i.e. the "mistress"). You're the worst of both worlds - engaged, about to get married, and cheating on your fiance with a married man.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:aa991f18-69a0-4548-88ca-7b8aa2d25209">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm here - reading everything everyone is saying and really appreciating all the advice even as critical and judgmental as it all is. I realize I deserve a lot of your harsh words, and agree that I have been very selfish. It's true that I'm afraid if I confess that I'll lose both, but I also agree that if I don't it will be a relationship of dishonesty, which is obviously what it has become. I do love my fiance very much. Those of you saying I don't are just wrong. It is more complicated than that. What I feel like I should do, is just walk away from the other guy completely - cut him out of my life. I think that's at least the first step I need to take. Yes, he's married which makes it sound super obvious, and this affair is hurting his marriage, which makes me even more selfish. I'm not too niiave to see and admit that. The confessing thing is still something I can't convince myself of. Hearing it from so many of you is really helpful. But I am so afraid that even if we did work through it, the trust would be gone. I am feeling like I would rather just work on being fully committed to him and putting this affair 100% behind me.<strong> I am worried that confessing would taint our relationship</strong>.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

No, that happened when you started having an affair. 

Now your FI is going to find out that you have been cheating AND that you lied and kept it from him.....before the wedding!  You are just making this worse.  I hope he does find out and then rents a billboard in town to tell everyone how much of a lying cheat you really are.

ETA:  I have absolutely ZERO sympathy for someone that is lying and cheating on their FI and refuses to come clean about it.  You don't get sympathy when you are guilty of one of the most heinous things you can do to the person you love.

deanozzi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:a1457794-7f38-443d-9067-d11c27c53869">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Please do your FI a favor and confess to him what you have said here.  He deserves to know the truth and know who he is marrying before he makes that commitment.  As heinous as it is that you're cheating on him, it's even worse to let him go into this marriage thinking that you've been faithful, only to find out later that you have not been.  And he will find out.  I promise you that.
</strong>
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Just that! You need to put yourself in his shoes. I am sorry that you are confused but it is so unfair to your FI

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:730fe930-e1e6-4b44-97ca-830160f2f3c7">Re: I'm a selfish jerk - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for those of you who are able to show me at least a tiny bit of sympathy. Appreciate your advice from experience, egeurts. I know that I am being selfish. I also realize that I am not ready for marriage.  I agree with all the logic about confessing and being honest with my FI, just the idea of actually doing it is so hard.  I know it's also weird for me to seek advice on a message board, but I have one friend plus my counselor who I have been talking to about this, and because it is such a private issue, I haven't wanted to tell anyone else, but have really appreciated the multiple opinions.  
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<div>And please tell us what your one friend said. </div>

Kimmyznc

I read a saying somewhere that may be able to help you...

"If you are 'in love' with two people, choose the 2nd one. Because if the right choice was the 1st, you would have never fallen in love with the 2nd".

I'm sure a lot of this has been covered since I did not take time to read the whole thread BUT I can tell you that I love my FI way too much to put myself in this kind of position. You need to call off the wedding, at the least out of respect for who you are about to marry. He does not deserve it.

ljsquintz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:730fe930-e1e6-4b44-97ca-830160f2f3c7">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for those of you who are able to show me at least a tiny bit of sympathy. Appreciate your advice from experience, egeurts. I know that I am being selfish. <strong>I also realize that I am not ready for marriage.</strong>  I agree with all the logic about confessing and being honest with my FI, just the idea of actually doing it is so hard.  I know it's also weird for me to seek advice on a message board, but I have one friend plus my counselor who I have been talking to about this, and because it is such a private issue, I haven't wanted to tell anyone else, but have really appreciated the multiple opinions.  
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

This says it all.  You are acknowledging that you are not ready.  Personally, I could not live with myself for the rest of my life and keep a secret this serious from my FI.  It would eat away at me.  I think you need to confess, but come from a place of 'listen, I know I really screwed up. I ended it with the other guy and you're the person I want to be with.'.  Then the ball is in his court, and you have to live with the consequences of whether or not he decides to stay with you.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:a6129081-4b61-41f8-b72d-caf558429a7f">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I read a saying somewhere that may be able to help you... "If you are 'in love' with two people, choose the 2nd one. Because if the right choice was the 1st, you would have never fallen in love with the 2nd".</strong> I'm sure a lot of this has been covered since I did not take time to read the whole thread BUT I can tell you that I love my FI way too much to put myself in this kind of position. You need to call off the wedding, at the least out of respect for who you are about to marry. He does not deserve it.
Posted by Kimmyznc[/QUOTE]
Oh by all means, she should pick the MARRIED MAN that she's having the affair with.

*headdesk*

Kimmyznc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:c194b04a-7b2c-42f9-8115-90f132490695">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Oh by all means, she should pick the <strong>MARRIED MAN</strong> that she's having the affair with. *headdesk*
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Completely missed that. NEVER MIND. Op, get it together. Call off your wedding and end your relationship with a married man. This has all sorts of karma heading your way.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:9b776f63-93a3-4b41-99d8-4a87a88a74b2">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't deserve for your FI to trust you.  Of course the trust would be gone if you told him, but it will be even worse when he finds out all on his own. Really, how much can you love someone if you're willing to continuously hurt them?  That is what you're doing by cheating on him.  Each time you cheat you're putting another knife in your FI's back.  HE deserves better than you.  He deserves someone with enough willpower to keep her legs closed instead of opening them to every Tom <strong>Dcik</strong> and Harry that walks by.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

literally ;)

midgetthemighty

But, but! JOHNNY DEPP SAID IT!

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:c194b04a-7b2c-42f9-8115-90f132490695">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Oh by all means, she should pick the MARRIED MAN that she's having the affair with. *headdesk*
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

You beat me to the *headdesk*.
I did it anyways.

bonge

You tainted it by cheating. 

i'm sorry but when that married mans wife finds out & phones up your fiance/husband & tells him what you were up to it will be way worse than what you will have to go through now. 

I will repeat myself again. Your fiance would be DEVASTATED if you went through with this marriage having cheated on him going into it. Not that he wouldn't be devastated now but it would be even worse if you went through with a marriage that started out based on lies. That is no way to start off a life together. 

It is hard, but you must spare him now. If he chooses to forgive you at least he knows the circumstances. 

You will lose every single thing you have if you go through with the marriage & he finds out. The courts would side with him completely. 

RamonaFlowers

You are so incredibly selfish. I can't believe that you're trying to claim that you love your FI, yet you're not only doing something incredibly and deliberately cruel to him ... but when you speak of coming clean, the concerns you have are how this is going to negatively impact you. The fact that you're more concerned with him possibly not wanting to put up with your sh!t anymore instead of how devastated he's going to be when he inevitably finds out the woman he loved was doing him dirty (And like PP said, it will come out, it's just a matter of how and when) screams volumes about who you really care about here.

I repeat: you're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of playing princess for a day and having everybody fawn all over you. I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but once the wedding's over and you don't have your "spashul day" to look forward to anymore, your relationships are both going to crash and burn. And while you totally deserve that happening to you, your FI (Who hasn't done anything wrong here) shouldn't have to suffer like that just because you're too selfish to deal with the consequences to your actions.

chelseamb11

I think I missed the part where any of us felt sorry for you being so manipulative and dishonest.

gobblebunny

First of all, if you were truly in love with your FI, you wouldn't be unfaithful. Someone who is truly in love will never have a reason, nor a desire to cheat on their significant other. The best thing, in my opinion, would be to be honest about what you've done. In not way is it fair to your FI to be oblivious and think everything is fine. Honesty is key in a relationship-especially a marriage. Lying and cheating on your FI is no way to show that you love him. Postponing the wedding is probably best, but it would also be best to be honest with your loved one, too.

ttt222

Ok, I'm done with this post now. I really do appreciate the advice and really do plan to try to follow as much of it as possible, but there isn't any need for people to be so mean.
goodbye.

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:29b83963-5384-4f9d-8857-61bd3f229a03">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm done with this post now. I really do appreciate the advice and really do plan to try to follow as much of it as possible, but there isn't any need for people to be so mean. goodbye.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

What did you think was going to happen here? You're sleeping with a married man (Which a bunch of us already told you in no uncertain terms to stop doing 2 months ago), don't want to tell your FI about it because he probably won't take well and don't have the decency to call off the wedding yourself.

Did you really expect to come here with your tale of woe and have everybody pat you on the head, give you a cookie and say "Oh, sweetie, it's no big, we've all been there before"?

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:b2ab8e05-7291-402c-b2be-930e47d4126e">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : A.) Yeah...this is "mean" *eye roll* B.) WTF did you expect us to say?!
Posted by MeganLindsay5685[/QUOTE]

She wants us to pat her on the head and tell her it's all okay.

mari0225

Fine, i'm sorry you accidently keep falling between his legs and can't get away. Obviously it's just all a big misunderstanding. It could happen to any of us.

*Sarcasam*

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:29b83963-5384-4f9d-8857-61bd3f229a03">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm done with this post now. I really do appreciate the advice and really do plan to try to follow as much of it as possible, but there isn't any need for people to be so mean. goodbye.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

You are a liar and a cheater...so this thread was very nice. Plus you wanted us to convince you to do the right thing, which means you may not. 

There are thousands of mean names we could have called you & all of them would be true. Because you are lying, cheating, and your lover is probably not faithful to you. So you might even be giving your FI a disease (possibly a very serious one). So I think we were nice.

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:29b83963-5384-4f9d-8857-61bd3f229a03">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm done with this post now. I really do appreciate the advice and really do plan to try to follow as much of it as possible, <strong>but there isn't any need for people to be so mean</strong>. goodbye.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

Are you effing serious??  WTH did you expect us to say?  Ask #2 if he wants to join in with you and FI???

Get a grip lady....and some honesty while you're at it.

TheValidator

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:b2ab8e05-7291-402c-b2be-930e47d4126e">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : A.) Yeah...this is "mean" *eye roll* B.) WTF did you expect us to say?! ETA: I'm just curious...if one  person had told you to pursue things with the married man or to just go ahead and get married and keep the married man on the side, would that have been enough for you to do it? <strong>Were you looking for validation?</strong>
Posted by MeganLindsay5685[/QUOTE]

<div>Not even I will touch this one. OP sucks. Hard.</div>

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d68dc5a5-546f-495a-a86a-ecacd500e6a6">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : You are a liar and a cheater...so this thread was very nice. Plus you wanted us to convince you to do the right thing, which means you may not.  There are thousands of mean names we could have called you & all of them would be true. Because you are lying, cheating, and your lover is probably not faithful to you. So you might even be giving your FI a disease (possibly a very serious one). So I think we were nice.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]


You do the lawyer thang, Red ... if she gives him something incurable, is that something he can use against her in the divorce hearing? I mean, I know you can't sue a partner for giving you a disease (At least, I'm pretty sure you can't) ... but since it would be the product of an extra-marital affair, could the husband possibly receive more from her in the divorce as some type of compensation?