saying your married when you're not. opinions please

emilyanthony08

This is mostly a vent of mine but I would like other's opinions. 

First please understand my beliefs, I don't mean these to be critical of anyone, so no nasty comments please. 

1. I don't believe in living together before one is married.  I know lots of people do and thats ok because that is their choice but it just isn't for me. 

2. I also don't believe in children before marriage. (again nothing critical to those that have them this is my personal belief) 

So this is my issue, I have a family friend who has a child with her guy and they live together and she always tells people they are married. He doesn't unless it suits his purpose at the time. It frustrates me because I am getting married and at this time I never tell people I'm married or call my fiancée my husband etc. I just don't think it is right. I guess when she (or anyone that does this) does this it offends me because I don't take marriage for granted. To me it is forever and for real. Not just living together having a family etc. I mean it is all of those things but with out the commitment (which they do not have) then one isn't married. 

WHEW. I hope that wasn't too difficult to understand and again I don't want to offend anyone I just want to know if I'm being totally ridiculous. I don't think I am and I never say anything about it but it is hard for me when I want to be married so bad and have to wait till the date and some people can just nonchalantly throw the term marriage/married around. 

Let me know what you think. 

Thanks so much.  

JFH2010

Well, according to the law in most states, if you've been living together a certain amount of time you ARE married.  So in that sense maybe they already are.  I can see why marriage seems more "real" if it's been a conscious choice, rather than the result of just hanging around each other long enough.  But, it sounds like there is some underlying reason why this is bothering you, either relating to your own relationship or to your relationship with them - otherwise why would you care what they choose to tell other people? 

MyNameIsNot

Why do you care so much about what other people do?  Does it make you feel good to judge other people?

It's none of your business what commitments they've made or what they call each other.  

BecW2be

How can you get one "you're" right in your title, but not the other?

And stop judging people. It's none of your business what they tell people. If it bothers you so much, the next time you hear her say it, man up and say, "She's not married! They're LYING to people. Judge her!"

FWIW, I've seen people live together a lot longer than I've seen people stay married. You shouldn't take their commitment for granted, either.

laurenclaire1386

If the sanctity of your marraige is dependent upon what your family friend calls her SO, you've got some insecurities. Yes, you're being crazy. They can TELL people they're married all they want, and depending on the commonlaw marriage laws in your state, they might be, but when it comes to the nut cutting, they dont' get any of the legal benefits of being married unless they actually are. No skin off your back. Your marriage isn't any less meaningful because someone doesn't take the word as seriously as you do.

lizstill13

They probably tell people they are married because of people exactly like YOU. You are a friend and you are judging them. What are complete strangers going to think of them when they find out they are 1) not married and 2) have a child out of wedlock? It's not huring anybody, so I would let it go and never think about it again.

For the record I would not live with my FI until we were at least engaged and I would never have a child out of wedlock. But I'm not judging other people's personal decisions.

BecW2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:cb6dba46-5544-4aaa-81f0-b91bb6316f7c">saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]This is mostly a vent of mine but I would like other's opinions.  First please understand my beliefs, I don't mean these to be critical of anyone, so no nasty comments please.  1. I don't believe in living together before one is married.  I know lots of people do and thats ok because that is their choice but it just isn't for me.  2. I also don't believe in children before marriage. (again nothing critical to those that have them this is my personal belief)  So this is my issue, I have a family friend who has a child with her guy and they live together and she always tells people they are married. He doesn't unless it suits his purpose at the time. It frustrates me because I am getting married and at this time I never tell people I'm married or call my fiancée my husband etc. I just don't think it is right. I guess when she (or anyone that does this) does this it offends me because I don't take marriage for granted. To me it is forever and for real. Not just living together having a family etc. I mean it is all of those things but with out the commitment (which they do not have) then one isn't married.  WHEW. I hope that wasn't too difficult to understand and again I don't want to offend anyone I just want to know if I'm being totally ridiculous. I don't think I am and I never say anything about it but it is hard for me when I want to be married so bad and have to wait till the date and some people can just nonchalantly throw the term marriage/married around.  Let me know what you think.  Thanks so much.  
Posted by emilyanthony08[/QUOTE]

jajph1974

I think that's a ridiculous thing to judge someone for.  It's not like she goes around kicking puppies and babies.

She has a family with the person she loves. She doesn't have the ring and the piece of paper. Big deal.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:00e26d19-0a6a-4c27-adaa-bb320ea4362e">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]If the sanctity of your marraige is dependent upon what your family friend calls her SO, you've got some insecurities. Yes, you're being crazy. They can TELL people they're married all they want, and depending on the commonlaw marriage laws in your state, they might be, <strong>but when it comes to the nut cutting</strong>, they dont' get any of the legal benefits of being married unless they actually are. No skin off your back. Your marriage isn't any less meaningful because someone doesn't take the word as seriously as you do.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Haha... what does this mean, LC??

laurenclaire1386

Kiki, I don't actually know what it's a metaphor for. I just meant when it comes to anything that matters, ya know? My mom always says it and I really don't have a clue what it means or where she got it.

AdeleDazeem

Honestly, if it bothered me that much, I'd ask her about it.  That may be an unpopular answer to some extent, but if she's a friend of yours you should be able to ask.  Not in accusing way, obviously, but more in a casual and curious way.

You may get this response: "oh, you know, we've been together for so long and have a kid.  Saying "my boyfriend" doesn't seem appropriate and it saves a lot of questions." 

Just a thought, though.

emily.ayala

I don't understand why this bothers you so much. It doesn't affect you. I bet they tell people they're married because they're tired of people judging them that they live together and have a baby, but are not married. I lived with my FI and had a baby with him before we got and engaged and I see the looks people give us when they find out we're not married. No one we care about does this, mind you, just strangers.

And quite frankly, I take offense to you saying they're not committed to eachother just because they are not married. My FI and I were just as committed to eachother before we were engaged as we will be when we are married.

I think maybe you need to find something to occupy more of your time.

britne28

I really don't see what the big deal is. I know people have assumed my FI is my husband and I haven't corrected them because it's not a big deal. He'll be my husband this year anyways.  And as PPs have said some states view those that have been living together for awhile married anyway. 

So please stop judging. 

emily.ayala

Oh and one last thing. You say you don't want people judging you harshly for posting your beliefs, but why is it ok for you to judge your "friend" for her beliefs?

You say you're not being critical of her beliefs, but yes, in fact, you are.

You don't sound like a very good friend.

goheels05

I don't like liars, but I also don't like busybodies, so there's that. 

BlameCanada

Let me get this straight: You won't judge someone for living together before marriage, or for having a child out of wedlock, but you'll judge them for using a word?  Do you have any idea how backwards that sounds?  You just want something to judge.  It sounds like you usually don't have a hard time finding something.

jhafaar

Em i find it very offensive for you to call yourself a FRIEND and then speak so hateful of her and her life. To have friends like you i dont know why she would need any enemies. BUT OUT! A good quote i'd like to share with you  "If you dont have anything good to say then dont say it."

It is easy for you to sit and judge someone else when you may have great faults in your realtionship staeing you in the eyes and you dont see it.

A persons happiness is dependent on them not the beliefs of others, if your freind is happy the way she is dont hate (or what in my country they call "Bad Mind")
Getting married is just a technicality a peice of paper a contract, if she is happy in her relationship and confident in what she has who are you to say she shouldn't be.   My question to you is 
Are You Secure In Your Relationship, Are you Happy with What You have?
She is. 

Be a friend not a bitch accept others for who they are and respect what they value  and that will make you a better person.

Festiva

Please read all of this, I promise it's not "mean"...
I know it's hard to put yourself in her shoes because 1) you're not in her situation and have NO idea what it's like to be her and 2) you look down on her.  Even if you don't want to believe it- it's true, you judge her a bit and do indeed consider yourself a tad bit better because of your beliefs.
You ARE entitled to your beliefs!!!  Beleive me, I think that waiting until marriage is the best way to do it- but it's just not always the reality.
I have children.  I am getting married.  See how it's the reverse of the way "it should be"  and I am careful to be appropriate, ex. I'm not wearing a big poofy princess gown and expecting my parents to pay for it, nor did we throw an "engagement" party because....well, hello- we already have children. 
BUT- in a conversation situation, it simply is easier to refer to your other half as your husband.  It's awkward and ... maybe embarressing to refer to someone as your baby's daddy (lol) or your boyfriend. 

You are entitled to your pet peeve.  Just be easy on your FRIEND because she is just that- your friend.  She says that with no harm meant, and it's really NOT a big deal.

MyNameIsNot

To be fair, she said it was a family friend, so presumably not someone she actually pretends to be friends with.

That doesn't change the fact that OP is the sort of person that has to put other people down to make herself feel better about herself and her relationship.  

[Deleted User]

Yes. You're being totally ridiculous. Mind your own damn business. Who cares what they call each other? But don't mind me. I had a child out of wedlock. GASP!

stinkerbell6879

Get over it! She probably does it so she does not have to explain to every single person their situation....and really....How does it even effect you?

But wait...Does my opinion count? I live with my FI and we have a house together....

sgervais88

I agree with PPs. You say you aren't trying to be offensive or critical or judgmental, but you ARE. It's none of your business what they choose to call eachother, nor is it any of your business whether or not the have a kid or live together without being married first.

Not trying to be mean. I hope that didn't come off mean.

JHS16

Legally, this COULD be a problem, but only in very limited circumstances, such as contracts.  If your friends are holding themselves out to vendors as a married couple, those vendors assume that they could hold both parties liable, when, in fact, they cannot.  If this is what is going on, you have a point.  Otherwise, just write it off for social reasons. 

amagwire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:bf46d754-ad9a-4a36-9c7c-b845f603b262">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]They probably tell people they are married because of people exactly like YOU. 
Posted by lizstill13[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly my thought.  As stated in your introduction to your comment, you are critical of non-married cohabitating and procreating adults.  To keep the peace or to keep people from questioning...some people say they're married.  It's easier than dealing with critical people.  My sister does it all the time.  I don't care who says they're married. It's their business.</div>

lizziemoopsc

It could be that they are insecure with their position. Also, "married" invokes living together with (or without) children much easier than explaining a whole scenario. I don't think I'd like to introduce someone as my baby daddy either. While their situation doesn't fit the connotation you have for marriage, it might fit theirs? I don't necessarily think there is a right or a wrong, but rather different meanings or uses of that word to different people. I guess I would suggest trying to understand their situation and realizing that how they may use it does not have to be how you use it with your soon-to-be husband. HTH!

jenn.daniel

I don't think it's respectful of marriage to say that you're married before you are.  So, no, I don't think you're being ridiculous.  It's judgmental, but frankly, I think everyone is judgmental about something. 

cabilb01

     First, cut your friend some slack. She probably has learned from experience that when you have your kids with you and you say you arent married people give you a funny look. People who don't know you judge you for having children out of wedlock. It may not have been completely in her control, birth control fails. I have two sons and I was on birth control with both of them.
     My first son's father resents us and only takes his visitation because his parents make him. I left because of that; and because, in four years, he never once showed any interest in marrying me.
     My second son's father and I have been together since October 2008. Within 2 weeks we were saying "I love you" and were planning on getting married some day and then having a child. He gave me a promise ring in early December and on Christmas eve we found out I was pregnant. We were offically engaged on June 9, 2009. I gave birth to our son on July 28, 2009. We are getting married on July 10 of this year.
     My fiancee runs his own business and his customers often call me his wife. Most of the time I correct them and tell them that we aren't married yet. Some days though I just don't bother because we will be married soon enough.
    This doesn't mean we don't take marriage seriously. We have made a commitment to each other from the beginning of our relationship that we will make this work.
     I hope your wedding day is as special and as beautiful as you immagined it.

megk8oz

Not everybody gets to do things in the "perfect storybook way" like you are. Life happens, and not everybody gets to plan it according to what you will and will not judge. For some people this means living together and/or having children together before they get married. Like the PPs said, they probably just say it to avoid having people like you look down on them for not doing things "right".

DH and I lived together before we were married. Mortgage rates were really good at the time and a perfect opportunity came along that we frankly we didn't want to pass up  just because we hadn't said "I do" yet. While I have never been pregnant,  if I was carrying DH's child before the wedding, we would have had the baby and kept it. And while we had never used the words pre-marriage, lots of other people would refer to us as "married" or call DH my "husband" or me his "wife", it never phased us.

Seriously, unless they are literally committing a federal offense by saying they're married on their taxes or on other legal paperwork, I fail to see how them using the word would bother you or any sane person this much.

Unless of course, you're one of those people that's so insecure with your own relationship that you have flaunt your engaged status as a constant reminder to people that you're "so in love" and "going to be together forever and ever".

amagwire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:d2561461-3d4e-45b7-b4a4-1b42b773b694">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it's respectful of marriage to say that you're married before you are.  So, no, I don't think you're being ridiculous.  It's judgmental, but frankly, I think everyone is judgmental about something. 
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

<div>I have heard this before.  Honestly, I'm curious as to why people feel this way? Any further explanation? </div>

KellieGaspard

Wow, someone is being a judgemental PITA. It's her life, not yours. I had 2 children out of wedlock, with 2 different fathers. The first one is not around anymore (thank goodness), but my DH is. I used to tell people we were married because of people exactly like YOU. People judge other people all the time and most of the time, they are wrong. You need to get off your high horse. You are not royalty and therefore do not have the authority to pass judgement on anyone else.

lisarose7

A lot of people who are doing things the "right" way seem to have an attitude that they get certain perks for doing so, like being able to look down their noses at those who aren't doing it the same way.  Who the hell cares if she calls him her husband or not?  Sounds to me like you're jealous that she gets to have a "husband" before you do, even though she didn't do it the "right" way.  Plus, a piece of paper isn't the only proof of commitment that exists.  Their relationship may be just as committed as yours, but you can't see it from up on your high horse.