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saying your married when you're not. opinions please

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Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please

  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited March 2010
    I agree with pps. OP you say you don't judge, but I'm judging you for sounding like you are judging.

    They might be common-law or they went down to the courthouse. Or they feel bad some people can't marry & don't focus on the title. Or they could have an contracts & documents that provide many (but not all) of the same things marriage provides. Or maybe they are just trying to get people to mind their own business .Maybe they feel that when you are married you might stay b/c of the divorce process, but they know they are staying together only b/c they want too.   OP unless you are their lawyer/ looked through all their important docs/ know their most personal thoughts, how do you know the truth & who the hell cares.

    ***Sets up on Soapbox---The law hasn't really caught up with reality yet. Lots of people do things *backwards."  So is it really "backwards" then? Most people don't realize the paternity & family law in their state might be  antiquated. But I look at marriage as tax benefits/ legal paper, so take my vent with a grain of salt. ---Steps down.***

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:1ef44d32-18af-4cc8-acf1-950b7584757d">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]***Sets up on Soapbox---The law hasn't really caught up with reality yet. Lots of people do things *backwards."  So is it really "backwards" then? Most people don't realize the paternity & family law in their state might be  antiquated. But I look at marriage as tax benefits/ legal paper, so take my vent with a grain of salt. ---Steps down.***
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>My mother thinks that way...LOL...she is very much in love with her man, but was reluctant to agree to marry him because it wasn't "rational"...but I digress...</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I am going to agree with the PPs...while you are entitled to your beliefs, it's completely hypocritical of you to say "I don't judge people for this" then turn around and judge your own friends for doing exactly that. They may, in fact, be married, by common law...some states do still have that.  Regardless, what kind of person are you to say that their relationship isn't "committed" enough just because they didn't sign a marriage license?</div><div>
    </div><div>I have two children...one, I was 7 months pregnant with when I married my first husband...that obviously didn't work (so much for committed...). I am still in process of my second divorce from a guy who was emotionally abusive, which is the reason why I'm not married to my second child's father...YET...but we do live together, are committed to each other and are getting married. It may be backwards, but it works for us.</div><div>
    </div><div>Maybe your friends' situation isn't as cut-and-dry as you want to think...so before you go talking behind their backs and judging them, ask yourself how you would feel if someone were talking about you the way you're talking about them...

    </div>
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:32258b9c-2513-4794-b9c7-84df6ebc7388">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]. You shouldn't take their commitment for granted, either.
    Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

    This. Who are you to judge the level of anyone's commitment?
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2010
    Also, I guess by definition, people who are in love and are in serious long term relationships but are denied by state laws the right to marry, then technically aren't comitted to eachother? Maybe this isn't the way you feel, but this is precisely the way you sound. Maybe if you had thought a little harder about how you sounded, people would "respect" your "choice" to ride on that high horse.

    Also, let me get out of line now, are you a virgin? I assume that you must be, otherwise you wouldn't be so black and white on your rulings re: children out of wedlock. If you accidentally got pregnant with your FI, would you keep the baby? Even it meant it would be born out of wedlock? I'm just curious if you walk the walk.
  • edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:f0398f6c-ec96-4629-9701-37293e6c6abf">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE] I believe that marriage is a very serious institution and shouldn't be taken lightly.  That's why I don't think it's right to say you're married when you're not.  To me, that is dishonest.  Misrepresenting yourself is a big no-no in my book.  I understand pps arguments that it's probably easier to go with "married" instead of explaining the situation, but to me being honest is more important than making life easy. 
    Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

    <div>My issue with this is that I have gay friends who are legally married in one state, not others.  So yes, marriage is a serious institution, but it also includes legal hurdles that not every is allowed to satisfy.  My friend has a wife, and as far as they are concerned, they are married.  however, based on this and the OP's post, they are living together without being married, and thus its not a <strong>real </strong>marriage.</div>
  • I can understand why they might erfer to themselves as married for the sake of making things easier for them and to limit the amount of judgement received from other individuals.  I have told people I was engaged when I wasn't in order to get creepy guys away from me, but have never taken advantage of it.

    Also, I currently live with my boyfriend of 7 years, and we are only 25.  We have only recently began living with each other 2 years ago, and that was because he moved across the country from New York to Alaska, and we decided it was something we wanted to do together.  Do I take marriage any less serious than if we didn't live together, no.  If we were still living in New York where our families live, we would still have our own apartments, but this is not the case.  Everyone loves differently, and it shouldn't bother you if you know someone saying what they aren't. 

    All that matters, is what is in your heart.  You know you love your fiance, and that you will love him forever and be faithful for all time, but that doesn't mean someone like myself living out of wedlock has any other outlook on my future married life. 

    We are all different, and it should only matter what happens to you and what makes the two of you happy.  You'll stress a whole lot less once you realize this. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:f0398f6c-ec96-4629-9701-37293e6c6abf">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please : I believe that marriage is a very serious institution and shouldn't be taken lightly.  That's why I don't think it's right to say you're married when you're not.  To me, that is dishonest.  Misrepresenting yourself is a big no-no in my book.  I understand pps arguments that it's probably easier to go with "married" instead of explaining the situation, but to me being honest is more important than making life easy. 
    Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

    <div>True. It's  a serious institution which is taken seriously by about 50% of the population.  I don't know many people who say they're married when they're not, but of those I do, they are in more stable and committed relationships than a lot of married folks.  I would sure as s^*t misrepresent myself to people I don't care about so they don't question my lifestyle.  How many people don't lie to make their lives easier? I think everyone has said it, if you're not committing a felony, who gives a s*^t? But hell, I'm all for making life easier! </div><div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:ee53f8da-a9df-409e-b430-8611012fc867">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't like liars, but I also don't like busybodies, so there's that. 
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]


    ditto!!!!!!
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:d55e3549-64a0-4995-9167-e61c1cc9ea2a">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]<em>My issue with this is that I have gay friends who are legally married in one state, not others.  So yes, marriage is a serious institution, but it also includes legal hurdles that not every is allowed to satisfy.  My friend has a wife, and as far as they are concerned, they are married.  however, based on this and the OP's post, they are living together without being married, and thus its not a real marriage. </em>

    This time eleventy billion.Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I brought this up in one of my other posts on this issue (which, ever after sleeping on it, boils my blood). However, I came to the conclusion, that the OP, if she is this judgmental and self-righteous would probably discriminate against these marriages as well. So, apparently being a total hater is better than respecting the fact that two people are in love and committed to each other, legal contract or not.

    Also, if you can't wait to get married and you're so upset because you have to wait and she can just say she has a husband to anyone who will listen - why are you waiting? Why don't you just get married tomorrow? Get married and have a ceremony and reception on your planned date so that everyone can see. But, just take the plunge, get legally married. I mean, if that's really, what's important to you, if that is really at the heart of your "suffering" at this woman's villanous fabrications. Which, I am <strong>sure</strong> she does only to annoy you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:58c46422-8742-48b7-a406-3e4e721c9f69">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please : But what gives you the right to judge anyone else?   People's relationships aren't anyone else's business.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I am judgmental - I judge people who lie about who they are.  I think if you're not married, you should tell people you're married.  If you're not a doctor, you shouldn't introduce yourself as a doctor. 

    I'm not saying I don't think they're committed to each other.  I know there are plenty of couples out there who are committed but not married, and there are married couples who are not committed.
  • People when they see my ring or things like that assume FI is my husband. Sometimes I'm too lazy to correct them. Why explain that I'm getting married in three months? Then they ask when it is and things like that. I don't feel like flaunting and bragging about getting married. Especially to people who don't know me.

    I am engaged. I live with my FI. I'm getting married. My life and his life, no one else's. The end.
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  • Wow.
    First I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts. I do agree with most that I am being ridiculous, I suppose that I just put more stock in the word marriage than most which is ok... because it is just a word and the commitment is what really matters. I have some frustrations with it because I do believe that there is a right and wrong way to be considered married but hey thats just me...

    I would also like to point out that I did not post this to get so many critical posts from others. Some were very nice to read and constructive and others were just as judgemental as mine was made out to be.

    Everyone should know that I absolutely DO NOT judge her at all. She is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I love her dearly and I have asked her about if she would ever actually "get married". I completely understand that it is her life and she can and will live it as she pleases and I have a lot of repsect for her for doing as she pleases despite my beliefs and the beliefs of others.

    Also, trust me I am not perfect, no where near it and I don't claim to be and just because I have an opinion on somethine does not make me someone with no life or a busybody etc...

    So again, thank you for your opinions and for helping me to see other viewpoints other than my own on the subject.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:582be0b4-f646-4ee0-a0e3-84ebc33b54f8">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow. First I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts. I do agree with most that I am being ridiculous, I suppose that I just put more stock in the word marriage than most which is ok... because it is just a word and the commitment is what really matters. I have some frustrations with it because I do believe that there is a right and wrong way to be considered married but hey thats just me... I would also like to point out that I did not post this to get so many critical posts from others. Some were very nice to read and constructive and others were just as judgemental as mine was made out to be. <strong>Everyone should know that I absolutely DO NOT judge her at all. </strong>She is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I love her dearly and I have asked her about if she would ever actually "get married". I completely understand that it is her life and she can and will live it as she pleases and I have a lot of repsect for her for doing as she pleases despite my beliefs and the beliefs of others. Also, trust me I am not perfect, no where near it and I don't claim to be and just because I have an opinion on somethine does not make me someone with no life or a busybody etc... So again, thank you for your opinions and for helping me to see other viewpoints other than my own on the subject.
    Posted by emilyanthony08[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! </div><div>
    </div><div>Please explain to me how making a whole post judging her and saying what she is doing wrong is not judging her.  I'd love to hear this.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:d932412e-3ef9-460c-b17f-cf14c4b1f040">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please : AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Please explain to me how making a whole post judging her and saying what she is doing wrong is not judging her.  I'd love to hear this.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
    This! or is it that after you read what you had wrote you had a "Come to Jesus" moment and realized  how bad you sounded?
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  • I have to back up the OP. I disagree with people saying they are married when they are not. Some of the PP suggest people do it because of people like OP (and myself?), but I would suggest If they do it because they are ashamed of how they live their life then maybe they should look at that and do something they are proud of. I don't care if people live together before they are married. I have lived with my FI for 3 years. We get the non-approving looks from people as well, but it is my life and I will ive it the way I choose. I'm not going to lie about it, especially to make someone else feel better about my choices.

    And yes, non-married people can be just as committed as married people. That isn't the issue. If you promote yourself as being married, why would you not get married? If you want to live together in a committed relationship then do so, but why pretend to be something you are not?

    Do I look down on people who do say they are married when they aren't? Maybe. It isn't anything I give a lot of thought to. People live their lives in many ways I may not approve of, but it is their life. I expect my choices to be respected so I'll respect theirs. That does not mean I have to approve of it though, just as they don't have to approve of mine.

    Just my 2 cents....
  • Thank you doubleH2010.

    The level of commitment isn't my issue, the issue is "pretending to be something you're not" if one makes a decision right or wrong that person needs to deal with what ever consequences come their way, whether it is a disapproving look or people judging them.


  • I once threw up in an airport because I was hungover, and I told a lady in the bathroom it was morning sickness. She was a stranger and I didn't want her to judge me. She ended up being on my flight, told an attendant I was sick, and I got a new pillow, barf bag and a huge bottle of juice before we even took off. Thatshit would have never happened if I'd been honest, and I would have never lied if she'd minded her own fucking business instead of asking what was wrong. :) It was a win-win!
  • Is not believing in kids before marriage like not believing in Santa or the the Loch Ness Monster?  
  • No, it's like not believing in the Tooth Fairy. The other two are real.
  • Wait. What?!?!?! The tooth fairy isn't real? I bet you'd say that there is no such thing as space aliens too, wouldn't you. Some people.

  • I think it's funny that many of you said that it's easier to falsely say you're married when you're not (common law aside--some states don't even recognize this anymore!) but you have kids or are living with your significant other.  To me, this says that you admit that it still matters.  Like it or not, marriage is a sacred institution that was performed long before any government decided to recognize it and give married people special benefits.  It is disrespectful to those who are married and to those will  enter into that absolute level of commitment to say you are something you aren't.

    On a more basic level, I think it's just silly to go around claiming to be something you're not.  What's the point, ultimately?
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  • The point, at least in my case, is to avoid a 10 minute background story of mine and my FI's relationship correcting them that we are not actually married, but "here's our life story" to someone I just met and will never see again.
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2010
    Dear Judge, Jury and Executioner,

    I still want to know a few things:

    1. How can you say your issue is not with comittment when your original post was this arrogant, self righteous tirade on how your beliefs are greater than everyone elses. And your engagement was so much better than her "marriage" because it was legal and you were willing to make a comittment and clearly, she wasn't.

    2. What would you do if you got pregnant with your FI's child? (unless, you take your beliefs to the full throtle and your pregnancy would be the emaculate conception, in which case, Mazel Tov, at least you live correctly according to your own stated beliefs)

    3. For everyone who defended her under the name of "marriage is sacred" clearly, if you respected that, you wouldn't lie. ALL OF US obviously value marriage, which is why we are getting married. We just value our own marriage more than we care about how someone else classifies their relationship as.

    Also, I highly doubt any of these women say they are married in situations where they don't mind explaining themselves. There are things I don't disclose to strangers, so I LIE (gasp) to them, in order to avoid making a situation uncomfortable for myself and them (as I'm sure they just don't flippin' care)

    OP, I think that maybe you should stop defending yourself and talking circles around yourself and contradicting everything you say, and maybe use that mircoscope you use on everyone else on yourself. If there are this many people calling judgmental and awful, think about it? Right? Are ALL of us wrong?
  • Well I disagree with a lot of people.  I do not live with my FI and don't plan to until we are married.  I grew up learning that two people get married to spend their entire life together and to have a family.  Not to spend their life together, have kids, then get married.  So have similar beliefs.

    As for your opinions of your friend, it really shouldn't bother you.  I do get jelous of people that do live together sometimes because who wouldn't want to cuddle and fall asleep with their FI every night.  But if your friend chooses to do that then that is her choice.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:97ba8dd9-6d81-49b6-bf8a-0b2ca27a3433">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]At least no one has said they get offended when unmarried women...gasp!...wear a ring on their left RING FINGER! I've heard that one before and I just about shiiiit myself. 
    Posted by amagwire[/QUOTE]

    What?!?  Now THAT is the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day.
  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:b41f0286-3e9a-48e4-b07a-71f2dcc95905">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well I disagree with a lot of people.  I do not live with my FI and don't plan to until we are married.  I grew up learning that two people get married to spend their entire life together and to have a family.  Not to spend their life together, have kids, then get married.  So have similar beliefs. As for your opinions of your friend, it really shouldn't bother you.  I do get jelous of people that do live together sometimes because who wouldn't want to cuddle and fall asleep with their FI every night.  But if your friend chooses to do that then that is her choice.
    Posted by jroseber[/QUOTE]

    THIS.

    Brava Jrose! I think it's really amazing that you stand firm against the norm, honor your beliefs and genuinely respect everyone else. You're just flippin' super. For reals! It's really hard to do that. I don't do that. Ms. Judgment McJudgerton, here is the page from the play book you should be following.

    ps, if you say that's what you were trying to say, I don't believe you, because that was easier to say than any of the moral-ego-stroking bs you spilled.
  • Oh get over yourself!  It's none of your damn business so back off!  I have lived with FI for three years, do you think honestly think I should tell every sales clerk and waiter who says your husband, oh no he's not my husband, he's my FI.  Really? 
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  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_saying-married-not-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f39f3864-d0b1-4b76-ad7c-8fd37f97aff5Post:f8a87988-8b22-4652-93ac-5c17d83cd285">Re: saying your married when you're not. opinions please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I LOVE all the judgemental people judging other people for being judgemental. It is very ironic. There are some really hateful people on here. Can you not make your point without being nasty and calling names? I hate to break it to people, there are a lot of people who don't think having children out of wedlock is right. Does it happen? Of course. A PP asked if the OP would not have the child if she accidentally got pregnant by her FI. I would venture to guess she would actually MARRY her baby daddy and not lie about it to make herself feel better. Of course, I don't actually know the OP so I could be way off, but that is certainly how I would handle the situation.
    Posted by doubleH2010[/QUOTE]

    <strong>We never claimed not be to judgmental, she did</strong>. No one ever said she shouldn't have those beliefs, no one said to her: go live with your FI and have a baby before your married, that is the right thing to do. I think everyone was saying: OP, you need to grow up and learn that what is right for you isn't right for everyone. Also, YOU are judgmental.

    Anyway, this is the conclusion I have come to by OP's law: if it's OK for her to tell everyone that she isn't judgmental, then it's OK for her family friend to say she is married.
  • For those posters living in their glass houses of not living together before marriage, not having children out of wedlock, everything has to be done in the correct order:  I was once like you.  I thought you shouldn't live together before marriage, that marriage is sacred and I would only ever get married once.  Guess what, life had other plans.  I got married, had a wonderful daughter, then when she was six months old, my ex-husband decided he didn't want to be married or have a child.  He left.  So, I became a single mom.  When I got serious with my FI, you bet we moved in together before we were engaged.  We have been living together for 3 years now.  We are in a committed relationship  And in about 4 months, we are getting married.  I still think marriage is sacred.  You never know where life will take you, so you shouldn't judge as that may be you someday.
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  • Unfortunately people do judge those that have a child out of wedlock, so sometimes its easier to to refer to to your boyfriend as your husband.

    We have a child and live together, I have never called my fiance my husband..because he's not, but if people refer to him as my husband (which happens often) I don't correct them..who wants to be like, "Well actually thats just my baby daddy"..that takes away from what we have...its more than that.

    Just because your friend calls her boyfriend her husband it doesn't ruin the institution of marriage or devalue your upcoming nuptials.

    My intention is not to attack you or be rude, however I just wish folks would just mind their business..if youre considered about how this reflects on marriage then you would have to judge us "wedlocked" couples, 50% of couples that divorce and same-sex couples...and who has that many hours in the day to worry about the next person?! Just focus on your honey, your marriage and the life yall want to build!
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