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Why are people so judgmental here?

I was originally really excited to check out these boards and hear helpful advice from other women who are getting married.  Turns out people just want to be mean and jump all over people... 
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Re: Why are people so judgmental here?

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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2013
    Ah, but you need to know that a honeymoon registry is rude.  It's not a matter of opinion.

    ::shrug::

    The people here are very quick to tell you when you are doing something that is unfair to your guests.  As host of a large and classy event, it's best to know these things.  Many times, weddings are the first encounter we all have with etiquette, thinking about being a good host, and what can be construed as rude or inappropriate to a very varied group of people.  It can be jarring, but it's also a very useful and valuable skill to learn. 

    In the end, the choice is yours to do what you wish, but just because no one says something to your face about something you chose to do that is borderline offensive, that doesn't mean that people aren't thinking about it and discussing you behidn your back.  It has nothing to do with how much these people love and support you.  Bad manners are bad manners.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:f52645fb-d236-4a67-9771-61e2f5214d6e">Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was originally really excited to check out these boards and hear helpful advice from other women who are getting married.  However i think i need to step away from them, it seems to be really stessful and upsetting.  I have certain things about my wedding that I am very excited about or really want to incorporate into my day.   These is so much negativity and judgement here it saddens me.  It seems that a lot of people are more interested on offering their opinions on how tacky something is or how rude it is etc.  I think all you etiquette queens need  to follow the golden rule, if you dont have something nice to say  dont say anything at all...  Why not accept that we are all different and we all invision our days in very different ways.  And FYi Im not saying that if someone specifically asks if something rude or poor etiquette thats its not ok to aswer truthfully.   But if I ask a question like WHERE to do a honeymoon registry please dont answer with no where, its rude, just dont answer at all. 
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]


    What are you talking about specifically?

    Here's the general way it works.  We have no emotional investment in you which means we are going to tell you the truth which your family and friends will likely not do and the wedding industry definitely will not do.  We look at things from the perspective of your guests first and foremost.  Anything that inconveniences them or treats them as anything less than honored guests will be called out.  We also look at things from the perspective of the wedding parties. 

    We aren't going to not say anything because an OP doesn't think it is nice.  Bad ideas will never ever be validated on these boards.  If you want someone to pat you on the head and say "Oh that's lovely" when it is rude, then weddingwire or weddingbee are going to be more your speed.  If you want family and friends to still like you when your wedding is over, stick around.

    The wedding industry has done a bang up job of convincing Bs&Gs that they "MUST" do certain things and that everyone else "MUST" do certain things.  Anything that you read in a wedding magazine or a wedding website (including TK) is total BS. They are businesses whose only investment in your wedding is to separate you, your WP and your guests from as much money as possible.
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    I agree with both OP and PPs. I think it is truly helpful when the other brides and married ladies on the board explain that something is inappropriate or rude. They may not be saying what you want to hear, but it may be something you NEED to hear. However, there are posters who are anything but constructive and look for any excuse to jump all over someone. Calling someone "stupid" or "not bright" is inconsiderate. There are ways to give tough-love and blunt truths without coming across as nasty.

    I do think that the majority of posters here are wonderful and well-intentioned. I wouldn't suggest OP abandon the site altogether because there is some wonderful advice here. And although I'm relatively new, there seems to be quite a close community of ladies here. I hope you decide to stay. It is always nice to have another poster who realizes you don't have to be a beast to get your point across. :)

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:f52645fb-d236-4a67-9771-61e2f5214d6e">Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was originally really excited to check out these boards and hear helpful advice from other women who are getting married.  However i think i need to step away from them, it seems to be really stessful and upsetting.  I have certain things about my wedding that I am very excited about or really want to incorporate into my day.   These is so much negativity and judgement here it saddens me.  It seems that a lot of people are more interested on offering their opinions on how tacky something is or how rude it is etc.  I think all you etiquette queens need  to follow the golden rule, if you dont have something nice to say  dont say anything at all...  Why not accept that we are all different and we all invision our days in very different ways.  And FYi Im not saying that if someone specifically asks if something rude or poor etiquette thats its not ok to aswer truthfully.   But if I ask a question like WHERE to do a honeymoon registry please dont answer with no where, its rude, just dont answer at all. 
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You have to look at it like this. We represent your friends and family. BEFORE you do something that will alienate, offend, etc your guests, we, as strangers who have nothing vested in you or your wedding and don't have to see you again at family functions, will be honest and try to stop you from making a jackass of yourself. Your friends and family love you and will not do this. By the time a "bad idea" happens, it is too late. They will say nothing to your face. Instead, they will talk about you behind your back. We are trying to stop that from happening. </div><div>
    </div><div>The HM Registry is a great example. I will admit when I first heard of it a couple years ago, I thought it was a cool idea. Then I came here and saw people explaining why it wasn't, and I was like, "Oooohhhhh, I didn't realize that. Yeah. Bad idea."  With that, I think there are a lot of women like me who initially think it's a good idea, but once it's laid out for them, they see why it isn't. That's why everyone yells STOP! when the question is presented. </div><div>
    </div><div>Wishing you the best of luck in your planning!   

    </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Personally, I'd rather know that something I'm thinking of doing for my wedding is rude than actually going through with it and having my guests feel slighted or talk behind my back.

    There's definitely a difference between just posting to criticize a poster and posting to be constructive and helpful. I think most people on this board fit into the latter category. Most posters are being supportive by giving you advice so that you don't end up being rude to your guests, coming off as a bridezilla, etc. Stick around for a little bit and I'm sure you'll see that these boards are actually quite helpful and allow you to get honest opinions.

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    I don't always agree with the things people say around here, but I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with what people say (most of the time at least). There are a lot of different people on TK and people are going to tell you what they think whether you like it or not. That's part of being on a public internet forum. You either need to go somewhere else, or learn to shrug it off. I don't agree with the majority views on here on a few topics, but I just let it go and avoid the drama. I suggest growing a thicker skin or getting off the internet TBH.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:348caf67-b2f5-448c-a18d-d389d8a45bbb">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Im speaking about numerous posts that i have read, not ones that I myself have written.    I am not saying that if some asks is such and such rude that its not great to get unbiased opinions.  However when someone asks a specific questions ie where is a good place to do a honeymoon registry they are asking for suggestions possibly from women who have done them and have an experience to tell them about.  
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    But you're not getting it.  You can ask if you should get a red or blue ferrari, but if you can't afford to purchase one, then the point is moot.

    Again, many people have never encountered these kinds of etiquette situations before planning a wedding.  They're lost in engagement bliss and thinking of things that are not practical or haven't considered all angles.  On the internet, you're going to get all answers and angles.  I'd consider them.  Not looking like an ungrateful and mostly-entitled bride is really a goooood thing, whether you asked that question or not.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:c76eb242-c15b-4961-8f88-e3a72701fc87">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why are people so judgmental here? : I think you are missing my point.  I am not saying that I need a pat on the head saying its lovely.  I am simply saying that sometimes its hard to get valuable information becausae of peoples opinions or judgements of what you are asking.  When someone asks a specific question like where should I do something or when during the ceremony they have already decided that that is what they want to do and are asking a direct question that most times are aswered with opinions on why they shouldnt do it, which really isnt helpful.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    <div>But it IS helpful and is meant to BE helpful to STOP you from making a bad decision. Would you want to wear pants that make you look fat?  I wouldn't!  If my ass looks fat in something, STOP me from wearing it, please!</div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:c76eb242-c15b-4961-8f88-e3a72701fc87">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why are people so judgmental here? : I think you are missing my point.  I am not saying that I need a pat on the head saying its lovely.  I am simply saying that sometimes its hard to get valuable information becausae of peoples opinions or judgements of what you are asking.  When someone asks a specific question like where should I do something or when during the ceremony they have already decided that that is what they want to do and are asking a direct question that most times are aswered with opinions on why they shouldnt do it, which really isnt helpful.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    I get what you're saying. Nobody is going to suggest ways to do a honeymoon registry, for instance, since that would be a rude idea and would be encouraging you to be rude. Instead of just not answering, posters are trying to help you not to be rude or give you alternatives that are less rude. If they didn't do that, then posts about honeymoon registries and other things that are rude would either have no responses or would have like 2 responses from posters who just reinforce rude, inconsiderate behavior.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:3ca6d870-65b3-4ee2-9cb2-3cd2020f8569">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you all agree that different people have different circles of friends and family?  So how can we generalize what people as a whole will consider rude or not? About the honeymoon registry I have read all the points on why its rude.  I get it!  that being said its ultimately my choice, so now I would appreciate real brides to speak of their experiences with this so I can make a decision on the best sites to go through... but it seems impossible here.   I took the time to acutally research where we were going and the things we were wishing to do on our honeymoon,  I am going to take photos of us doing these things and send them in the thank you notes so the quests who purchased them for us can see us enjoying them.  I am also offering a traditional registry for guests who may find it offensive, so in the end Im not making or forcing my guests to do anything they dont want to.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    <div>I do get what you're saying, but asking for cash in any form is an etiquette breach. That's the bottom line on why HRs are tacky, even if you find a company that doesn't take a cut. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:c76eb242-c15b-4961-8f88-e3a72701fc87">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why are people so judgmental here? : I think you are missing my point.  I am not saying that I need a pat on the head saying its lovely.  I am simply saying that sometimes its hard to get valuable information becausae of peoples opinions or judgements of what you are asking.  When someone asks a specific question like where should I do something or when during the ceremony they have already decided that that is what they want to do and are asking a direct question that most times are aswered with opinions on why they shouldnt do it, which really isnt helpful.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    No.  You still aren't getting it.  We aren't going to help you do something rude and we are in fact going to tgry to stop you.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:b08b14d6-31bb-456a-9106-0c0df3edae73">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you, again <strong>I understand they are tacky,</strong> Ive read that a thousand times here! lol... the guests who think its tacky dont have to take part in it.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    <div>If you understand they are tacky, why are you doing it? </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    CallaLily25CallaLily25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:b08b14d6-31bb-456a-9106-0c0df3edae73">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you, again I understand they are tacky, Ive read that a thousand times here! lol... <strong>the guests who think its tacky dont have to take part in it.</strong>
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    Just because they don't partake in it doesn't mean they won't judge you for it. However, it's ultimately your choice if it bothers you that some people may think you're rude.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:3ca6d870-65b3-4ee2-9cb2-3cd2020f8569">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you all agree that different people have different circles of friends and family?  So how can we generalize what people as a whole will consider rude or not? About the honeymoon registry I have read all the points on why its rude.  I get it!  that being said its ultimately my choice, <strong>so now I would appreciate real brides to speak of their experiences with this so I can make a decision on the best sites to go through</strong>... but it seems impossible here.   I took the time to acutally research where we were going and the things we were wishing to do on our honeymoon,  I am going to take photos of us doing these things and send them in the thank you notes so the quests who purchased them for us can see us enjoying them.  I am also offering a traditional registry for guests who may find it offensive, so in the end Im not making or forcing my guests to do anything they dont want to.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    Okay.  Here is a real world experience with it.  Brother and SIL did a HR.  Mom and Dad purchased a lot of gifts from it for their honeymoon.  When we were planning our wedding, parents suggested doing a HR to us.  I didn't want to tell them why we weren't doing one but they kept pushing and I finally explained how HRs work.  <u><em>Like most guests they had no clue how HRs work.</em></u>  We practically had to peel my father off the ceiling when he found out that brother and SIL didn't actually get any of the things they bought and instead got a check for less than the value of the "gifts".

    Would you ever trick someone into giving you money in real life?  I would hope not but that is exactly what HRs do.
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    Listen, I get your point. I think there's a lot of bs that happens on these boards because no one gives anyone the benefit of the doubt - but why would they? They don't know you. 

    And yeah, I think a lot of the brides-to-be who come here do it because they don't have that fluffy group of friends to bounce ideas off of like it seems everyone else does in TV & movies, so you expect to get that something from people here, but they're all still humans. They still don't really care about weddings as much as people do in TV & movies & bridal mags.

    Asking the etiquette police what kind of honeymoon registry to do would be like asking the actual police for the best ways to kill someone. (Not that a honeymoon registry is as bad as murder, lol, just that neither question to that group of people is going to result in any "constructive" answers.)
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    Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited February 2013
    I'm sorry that you feel your experience on these boards has been negative. But I think you're missing the point altogether. 

    This is a place to communicate, ask questions, share ideas, learn about etiquette, receive and give advice, and sometimes event to vent. It's not a place to be coddled. Not every idea is a good one and the ladies on these forums have pretty much heard them all. Like GoodLuckBear pointed out, we have no emotional investment in you or your ideas. We are a completely objective resource that is meant not to criticize or judge, but to give totally unbiased opinions and advice based on the OP's original request... which is the post itself. 

    You really need to keep these things in mind when you decide to post. I would also suggest not to take such things so personally. A bad idea is just a bad idea and doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're not even the first person to consider this idea, let alone the first person to be told it was a bad one. 

    A Honeymoon registry or "Honey Fund" is looked down on because it's just another form of soliciting money from your guests, which is rude. Lurk the boards a little longer and you will find many more threads about this very topic. 


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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:1b6656a9-6f23-4fa7-b56a-be01dc5699e5">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why are people so judgmental here? : Okay.  Here is a real world experience with it.  Brother and SIL did a HR.  Mom and Dad purchased a lot of gifts from it for their honeymoon.  When we were planning our wedding, parents suggested doing a HR to us.  I didn't want to tell them why we weren't doing one but they kept pushing and I finally explained how HRs work.  Like most guests they had no clue how HRs work.   We practically had to peel my father off the ceiling when he found out that <strong>brother and SIL didn't actually get any of the things they bought and instead got a check for less than the value of the "gifts".</strong> Would you ever trick someone into giving you money in real life?  I would hope not but that is exactly what HRs do.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    Wow, I knew HRs were tacky, but I didn't know all the details about them. That's horrible!

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:30e49940-0bc7-453e-8276-c4ed542e1831">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You ladies really try to bully women into doing things the way that you think is polite to do them. Its MY wedding and my decision.  And I guess because Im tacky and rude and have poor etiquette and dont care about my guests etc... thats what you all think right?  You dont know me, you dont know my guests so you probably shouldnt judge me or how I choose to plan my wedding.  Thank you all for your opinions, but non of them are really helpful for the questions that I am actually asking.  I think its great that you all have such proper manners, maybe someday I can to!
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    We try to explain, not bully.  But, when it becomes clear we are talking to a brick wall, then we lose our patience.

    And no, I don't think you are rude and don't care about your guests, but I do think you are willfully ignoring the inherent problems of a honeymoon registry.  You won't even get a check for the money that was given (minus 10% of course) until after you return.  It's all just ...icky.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:30e49940-0bc7-453e-8276-c4ed542e1831">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You ladies really try to bully women into doing things the way that you think is polite to do them. Its MY wedding and my decision.  And I guess because Im tacky and rude and have poor etiquette and dont care about my guests etc... thats what you all think right?  You dont know me, you dont know my guests so you probably shouldnt judge me or how I choose to plan my wedding.  Thank you all for your opinions, but non of them are really helpful for the questions that I am actually asking.  I think its great that you all have such proper manners, maybe someday I can to!
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    I don't see anyone bullying you here. I don't think it's ever "bullying" to tell someone they should be considerate of their guests. We are honestly trying to help. I would venture a guess to say that you really don't know the opinions and preferences of each individual on your guest list, how can you?

    And, it's not YOUR wedding and YOUR decision. It's your and your fiance's wedding and decision, and when you choose to involve others by inviting them to celebrate it ceases to be all about the two of you.
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    FYI, calling people "judgemental" is...well...judgemental.  Pot?  Kettle?  

    If you don't like it here, then don't stay.  We don't know you, and probably won't miss you.  

    If you want to do a honeymoon registry, then go ahead and do it.  Like I said, none of us know you, and none of us will be personally offended.   However, the women on this board represent a pretty good cross-section of American (and even international) society.  If the majority of people on the boards think your idea is rude, then chances are you will probably offend at least a few of your guests.   Have you ever been to a wedding and thought, "Huh, that was kind of a weird/tacky/inappropriate thing for them to do..."???   Do you really want people to think that about your wedding?

    Your call.   Stay if you want, leave if you don't.  Lurk, whatever.   Good luck.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:e5191e26-7f8c-4140-b203-caedbe70ff61">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My point is that I have read and considered all of your opinions, points and thoughts on this subject.  I have decided its something that we want to do anyway.  We are paying for our wedding ourselves, (because my dad has recently decided that going back to meth is more important than his only daughters wedding)  and we will not be able to go on a honeymoon if we dont have some help.  My guests know me and know my situatiion.  I know that we dont get the entire amount and I am ok with that.  I also know that I dont get the money right away, but we arent going to go on our honeymoon immediately after our wedding.  This is just something that we have made the decision to do and are willing to deal with the consequences of.  People have already done this in our circle and no one was talking behind their backs as to how rude it was, maybe my circle is just different than some others.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    Paying for the wedding yourself does not excuse doing things that are rude. A lot of people pay for their own weddings and do so without stepping on anyone's toes. If you can't afford a honeymoon, either wait and save up for it or scale back in other places or don't have one at all.

    It sounds like you have other things going on in your life that are stressing you out, and that that may be the real problem here. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this with your father, you can come here anytime you like to talk about it if you need to.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:e5191e26-7f8c-4140-b203-caedbe70ff61">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My point is that I have read and considered all of your opinions, points and thoughts on this subject.  I have decided its something that we want to do anyway.  We are paying for our wedding ourselves, (<strong>because my dad has recently decided that going back to meth is more important than his only daughters wedding</strong>)  and we will not be able to go on a honeymoon if we dont have some help.  My guests know me and know my situatiion.  I know that we dont get the entire amount and I am ok with that.  I also know that I dont get the money right away, but <strong>we arent going to go on our honeymoon immediately after our wedding</strong>.  This is just something that we have made the decision to do and are willing to deal with the consequences of.  People have already done this in our circle and no one was talking behind their backs as to how rude it was, maybe my circle is just different than some others.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>To the bolded parts:</div><div>
    </div><div>First one: your dad has no responsibility to pay for YOUR wedding.  Regardless of his meth habit, it's not his wedding, so his money is not required.  It's up to you and your fiance to pay for YOUR wedding.  No one else is required to help. If someone offers, great.  If not, YOU pay for the wedding you can afford and accept whatever sacrifices you have to make to your wedding dream to make that happen.</div><div>
    </div><div>Second one: Have you thought about what you will do with the money while you wait to go on your honeymoon? Is it going in your checking account, or into a specific savings account that won't be touched except for the honeymoon? What will you do with the money if something happens and you can't go? Will you refund your guests?  These are things you need to think about if you are absolutely going to do a honeymoon registry.  Really, they're just more reasons why you shouldn't do a honeymoon registry.  I really hope you re-read what others have said, with an open mind, and reconsider doing something so rude to your guests.

    </div>
    Anniversary
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    Okay wait, I don't understand why OP is fighting honeymoon registries.

    Let's forget for a second that they're rude or against etiquette: they're effing stupid

    If someone can afford to buy you a $200 couple's massage, they can afford to give you a $200 check. And then no portion is taken out. 

    Why on earth wouldn't you just not register and tell people by word of mouth that you're saving for a belated honeymoon next year? 

    Honeymoon registires just plain do not make sense. Forget rudeness. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker whatshouldwecallweddings.tumblr.com
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    I get the impression that you are looking at things from a very self-centered place.  I'm sorry - but you are.  We can't afford a honeymoon.  I'm okay with the rudeness of a honeymoon registry.  It's our wedding so we'll do what we want.

    None of what we're talking about here is about you.  At all.  It's about your guests.  You're hosting them and they deserve to be hosted well and kindly and their wallets not be absued.  It's not about how you can't afford a honeymoon.  It's about your guests, their comfort, and their money.

    This is what I was trying to say earlier.  It's jarring to hear "It's my wedding!!!  It's all about meeeee!!" isn't true because that's what the vendors, this website, and life generally feeds you.  We're trying to help you steer clear of that attitude and be, in general, a more gracious and generous bride/host.  Somewhere along the way, that got lost in weddings and it's sad.

  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:e5191e26-7f8c-4140-b203-caedbe70ff61">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My point is that I have read and considered all of your opinions, points and thoughts on this subject.  I have decided its something that we want to do anyway.  <strong>We are paying for our wedding ourselves, (because my dad has recently decided that going back to meth is more important than his only daughters wedding)  and we will not be able to go on a honeymoon if we dont have some help.</strong> My guests know me and know my situatiion.  I know that we dont get the entire amount and I am ok with that.  I also know that I dont get the money right away, but we arent going to go on our honeymoon immediately after our wedding.  This is just something that we have made the decision to do and are willing to deal with the consequences of.  People have already done this in our circle and no one was talking behind their backs as to how rude it was, maybe my circle is just different than some others.
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]

    Most people today pay for their own weddings.  I'd say at least 90% of the members of these boards are/did.  DH and I took our honeymoon over our one year anniversary.  At no time did it cross our mind that we were entitled to a honeymoon and ask others to pay for it.  Instead we put ALL of the money we got at our wedding (people do take the hint when they see a small registry) into a separate savings account and then added to it every week.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:3e20df21-8f85-4344-ba01-5c51b2a8483d">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get the impression that you are looking at things from a very self-centered place.  I'm sorry - but you are.  We can't afford a honeymoon.  I'm okay with the rudeness of a honeymoon registry.  It's our wedding so we'll do what we want. None of what we're talking about here is about you.  At all.  It's about your guests.  You're hosting them and they deserve to be hosted well and kindly and their wallets not be absued.  It's not about how you can't afford a honeymoon.  It's about your guests, their comfort, and their money. This is what I was trying to say earlier. <strong> It's jarring to hear "It's my wedding!!!  It's all about meeeee!!" isn't true because that's what the vendors, this website, and life generally feeds you.  We're trying to help you steer clear of that attitude and be, in general, a more gracious and generous bride/host.  Somewhere along the way, that got lost in weddings and it's sad.</strong>
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>That's a great point Joy, and worded really well.  Words of wisdom for the OP.</div><div>
    </div><div>As an extension of this thought process, your wedding ceases to be about just you as soon as you invite guests and start involving other people.  At that point, you are the guests of honor, but you are also the hosts, and it's up to you to make sure that all the other guests are treated well and respectfully, which requires following etiquette.

    </div>
    Anniversary
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:3e20df21-8f85-4344-ba01-5c51b2a8483d">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get the impression that you are looking at things from a very self-centered place.  I'm sorry - but you are.  We can't afford a honeymoon.  I'm okay with the rudeness of a honeymoon registry.  It's our wedding so we'll do what we want. None of what we're talking about here is about you.  At all.  It's about your guests.  You're hosting them and they deserve to be hosted well and kindly and their wallets not be absued.  It's not about how you can't afford a honeymoon.  It's about your guests, their comfort, and their money. This is what I was trying to say earlier.  It's jarring to hear "It's my wedding!!!  It's all about meeeee!!" isn't true because that's what the vendors, this website, and life generally feeds you.  We're trying to help you steer clear of that attitude and be, in general, a more gracious and generous bride/host.  Somewhere along the way, that got lost in weddings and it's sad.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    I tried five separate times to write this post and each time it came out a jumbled mess or really snarky.  Thank you for putting it so beautifully.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Options
    Why would you okay with not receiving all the money your guests would put toward a HR due to the company taking a cut? That is ludicrous!!! 

    If you really want money to put toward your honeymoon (regardless of when you can actually take the trip) then just don't register all and see if your guests give you some checks. At least then you are receiving the total amount they are giving you, and not allowing a third party company to take a cut! 

    Plus, most couples do receive some money from guests who prefer to give a check rather than buy a gift from a registry. It's been done for years! There is NO NEED to make a honeymoon registry. The fact that you will not receive 100% of the funds should be more than enough of a reason not to go that route. Your basically just wasting your guests money.

    Anniversary
  • Options
    OP, you keep saying that posters on here should give advice about things like honeymoon registries instead of saying they are rude.  Think of it this way: A poster comes on here and says, "I"m thinking about jumping off of a bridge.  I'm just not sure which type of bridge it would be best to jump off of. Can you give me some advice?"  Would you expect us to give the poster suggestions about which type of bridge to jump off of or tell her not to do it because it is a bad idea altogther? I realize that this is hyperbolic, but it is the same general concept.  If something is against etiquette, we aren't going to give advice on the best way to do it.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-are-people-so-judgmental-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f5d77aa0-4621-4157-853d-da4094bcf284Post:e5191e26-7f8c-4140-b203-caedbe70ff61">Re: Why are people so judgmental here?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My point is that I have read and considered all of your opinions, points and thoughts on this subject.  I have decided its something that we want to do anyway.  We are paying for our wedding ourselves, (because my dad has recently decided that going back to meth is more important than his only daughters wedding)  and <strong>we will not be able to go on a honeymoon if we dont have some help.</strong>  My guests know me and know my situatiion.  I know that we dont get the entire amount and I am ok with that.  I also know that I dont get the money right away, but we arent going to go on our honeymoon immediately after our wedding.  This is just something that we have made the decision to do and are willing to deal with the consequences of.  <strong>People have already done this in our circle and no one was talking behind their backs as to how rude it was, maybe my circle is just different than some others.</strong>
    Posted by amberdawn2344[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This sounds like you are very specific in what type of honeymoon you want as well.  I know lot of people whose honeymoon has been a weekend away at a hotel in the next city over or a few days of camping.  Your honeymoon (which you can have at any point you can afford it, or even not at all) doesn't have to be a big huge trip to somewhere new or hot or different.  It sounds liek this is what you want and you want others to pay for it becuase you and your FI can't afford it.  Why can't you and FI do a quick weekend trip away for several hundred dollars instead??  It's much easier to save up for that and you don't need to ask friends and family to pay for your vacation.  

    </div><div>As for talking behind people's backs, just because you haven't heard it, doesn't mean it hasn't happened.  It may not have bothered you, but you can't tell what others are thinking or saying unless they say it to you directly.  </div><div>
    </div>

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