Why oh why...

shoegal715

did I make her a bridesmaid? 

My goodness... What was I thinking?

She is my fiance's brother's wife and no one in the family is a fan of her. I was her bridesmaid, and it was a nightmare. She planned all of her own parties, including her stag and doe, bachlorette, bridal shower, and just demanded money from people. 

Her bridesmaid dresses were $250 and I never said anything about the price.

Fast forward 3 years later to last night. I sent her an e-mail with the picture of the dress my other bridesmaid found and loved. The other 2 bridesmaid went to try it on and loved it. That's the one we will be ordering in a few months. 

She writes back saying that $220 for a dress is too much. She cannot pay that.

I want to smack her. My mom has said all along that she shouldn't be a bridesmaid, and fiance wants me to tell her she either pays or doesn't be a bridesmaid. 

WWYD? 

[Deleted User]

$220 is kind of a lot. My BM dresses were on the expensive side, but I went to the group before hand and asked them for a range that they were comfortable with. I stayed within that range.

Is there a similar dress that she can get that is not that expensive?

Nebb

Tell her that unfortunately that is the dress that everyone is wearing and if she feels that way about the price you understand if she wants to back down, say it nicely. If you are steadfast on that style, just stick to your decision.

MarriedInAFever

I agree with Cew. I think it's important to ask the BMs about their budgets.

ohwhynot

I think it's rude to dictate the dress without first asking what price range your BMs are comfortable with.  $220 is a lot of money to spend on a dress not of your own choosing.  IMO, you should start over, ask all of your bridesmaids how much they are comfortable spending, and then shop for dresses in that range. 

ETA:  just because she was rude (and you didn't object) doesn't excuse your being rude in response. 

526SadieSadie

$250 would be waaay out of my budget, too, especially if the expenses dont end there (ie shoes, jewelry,hair, nails,  make up, gifts, contributions to various parties, travel...)

[Deleted User]

I don't see how it's a slap in the face. Her wedding was several years ago. Are you aware of what has happened in the economy in the last few years? She's probably in a very different place financially.

Yeah. It sucks that she can't pay, but you're taking it way to personally. If there aren't any other options, just tell her that you will understand if she has to back out.

Night_Sprite

3 years have probably changed her finances.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:023facdc-4682-4219-9c14-79d765cccb73">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : No, there is nothing similar. I paid over $220 for hers so naturally, I thought she would be fine paying that for me. Her wedding cost me around $1,000 for the stag and doe I helped throw, her parties and her OOT wedding.  For her to say $220 is too much money to spend was a slap in the face. It's the only thing I have asked of her and will ask of her financially throughout this planning process.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I imagine that it was a different time. And you had the option to tell her that was too expensive, you just didn't do it. At this point in her life, it is too expensive for her. End of Story. </div><div>
</div><div>You should have asked her budget first. 

</div>

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:2f6e71e0-c6e0-4792-8886-6e25b9d6825a">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's rude to dictate the dress without first asking what price range your BMs are comfortable with.  $220 is a lot of money to spend on a dress not of your own choosing.  IMO, you should start over, ask all of your bridesmaids how much they are comfortable spending, and then shop for dresses in that range.  ETA:  just because she was rude (and you didn't object) doesn't excuse your being rude in response. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

This.  Just because you feel like she took advantage of you, or made you spend too much when she got married, doesn't mean you can do it to her now.

emilykathleen511

Ask her what her dress budget is, and then either choose a dress within that budget, or cover the difference.

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:6e57312d-5ed0-441c-a37b-11748f07d4f8">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Why oh why... : Did you ask her what her dress budget was before you looked for dresses?  If not, that is a problem. She is your <strong>FSIL</strong>, pick your battles and don't create unnecessary family drama.  If she can't afford it, she can't afford it.   What you spent on a BM dress for her wedding is irrelevant.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

This. And the highlighted portion is important, she is family and will be for a very long time.

MarriedInAFever

Also, you're 10 months out, you have time to work with the BMs' budgets. Just start over.

[Deleted User]

On second thought, I agree with OWNs approach. If no one has purchased dresses at this point, you should go back to them and ask for a budget. Then work to find dresses that they can all afford.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I think it would have done you well to ask the bridesmaids about their budgets first.

But honestly - she sounds like a nightmare, why would you ask her to be your bridesmaid in the first place?

labercrombie41

I think this is one of those "be the better person" situations. I don't blame you for being frustrated, especially because you paid so much for her BM dresses, however, times may be different now and she might have a genuine reason for not being able to pay $220 for a BM dress due to fianances, etc. I personally suggest that you find a less expensive BM dress. She will be family soon, so it's up to you to decide if you want her to participate or not.

betrothed123

1.  It doesn't matter what she did for her wedding.  That has no bearing on you and your wedding.

2.  You should have asked all your BMs what they could afford before you picked a dress.  I agree with OWN that you still have time to correct this situation.  Ask all your BMs what they can afford and go pick a dress in or below that price range.

MarriedInAFever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:6c4773e0-5131-488f-a3c8-f6905ffd36c8">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : Yes, you're both right. She's just so irritating sometimes. I don't know what it is about her, she always gets under my skin. Fiance's family warned me about asking her to be a BM and I should have listened.  It's just so irritating that I spent $1,000 for her wedding, and she is making a fuss over $220.  I think I'm going to refrain from telling her all of the things I want to say to her, and <strong>write back nicely that if she can't spend $220, I will understand if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore.
</strong>Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

That ultimatum doesn't seem fair.

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:031c2626-7e0e-47ab-ac6b-7e17393f87c8">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]On second thought, I agree with OWNs approach. If no one has purchased dresses at this point, you should go back to them and ask for a budget. Then work to find dresses that they can all afford.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is the approach I used with my other, reasonable bridesmaids. I asked them each privately and they all said between $250 and $300. </div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

lu27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:ba8c2429-0941-481c-bb52-b51ef51bfb34">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask her what her dress budget is, and then either choose a dress within that budget, or cover the difference.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

THIS!

Also, you shouldn't complain about how she handled her BM's $$ contributions and then assume its ok for you to do the same to her. You should've taken a cue from your experience and asked her what her budget was. That is the polite thing to do.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:f74c54ca-cadf-4aec-abfd-853b70bc2725">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : This is the approach I used with my other, reasonable bridesmaids. I asked them each privately and they all said between $250 and $300. 
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]
So did you not afford her the same consideration?  That was a douchebag move on your part.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:f74c54ca-cadf-4aec-abfd-853b70bc2725">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : This is the approach I used with my other, reasonable bridesmaids. I asked them each privately and they all said between $250 and $300. 
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]


Why leave her out of that part of the conversation?  Does she not deserve to know?

I Want Cake

I'd tell her that the dresses the other BMs chose is the style you're going with.  If the others can afford it and she didn't think twice when she asked you to pay even more for yours, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on.  And if she can't do it and backs out, it sounds like you'll only lose a giant headache.  Sounds like a win-win to me.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:f74c54ca-cadf-4aec-abfd-853b70bc2725">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : This is the approach I used with my other, reasonable bridesmaids. I asked them each privately and they all said between $250 and $300. 
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]
It seems like you are being antagonistic by purposely not asking her the same question.

shoegal715

Okay.. breathe breathe.. I'm over-reacting. 

I'm talking to her right now on FB chat: 

Me: Hey, I got your mssg. What budget do you feel comfortable spending on the dress?

Her: Honestly, I can't afford much right now. 

Me: Well, if you had to give me a price range, what would it be? 

Her: We just paid for that trip to Amsterdam. I can barely afford my cell phone bill. 

Me: $100? 

Her: I don't know bud.. that's even pushing it.

I havent't responded... I think she's asking for a way out of the wedding party.

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't be able to afford that dress. And I'd be seriously pissed off if the bride said I didn't have to be a BM anymore because of it, that's basically saying 'you don't make enough money to be in my wedding, so feel free to start walking.' And saying she didn't care enough to ask my budget beforehand.

It doesn't matter how much you spent for her wedding.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:364af06b-9d63-40ee-ae44-2eaa431bbd62">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd tell her that the dresses the other BMs chose is the style you're going with.  If the others can afford it and she didn't think twice when she asked you to pay even more for yours, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on.  And if she can't do it and backs out, it sounds like you'll only lose a giant headache.  Sounds like a win-win to me.
Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]
This is some of the worst advice ever posted here.  Way to go, cake.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:0b73769c-14b1-4dca-9fcc-1eb3eaf366ca">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay.. breathe breathe.. I'm over-reacting.  I'm talking to her right now on FB chat:  Me: Hey, I got your mssg. What budget do you feel comfortable spending on the dress? Her: Honestly, I can't afford much right now.  Me: Well, if you had to give me a price range, what would it be?  Her: We just paid for that trip to Amsterdam. I can barely afford my cell phone bill.  Me: $100?  Her: I don't know bud.. that's even pushing it. I havent't responded... I think she's asking for a way out of the wedding party.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

She can afford a trip to Amsterdam but can't afford a hundred dollar dress?

I don't like her.

But I still don't like how you asked her to be a bridesmaid.  I wouldn't ask anyone like that to be a bridesmaid.

But I'm weird, what do I know.

Jelenny

apparently BP board isn't happy

field trip

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3

gottahavashorti

Ask her what she'd be comfortable spending.  Either find a dress in that price range or offer to cover the difference.

People's financial situations change.  You spent $1k on her wedding because you chose to.  At any given point, you had the right to say "I am not comfortable or am unable to spend that much" - whether it was a dress, present, bachelorette party or shower. 

Having spent so much on her wedding doesn't make it okay to require that she spend more than she can afford on yours.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:d2b9387f-9d69-4f04-b151-e9a6783b8749">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]apparently BP board isn't happy field trip <a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3</a>
Posted by Jelenny[/QUOTE]
Yeah because they're freaking idiots.  They think we told OP to tell FSIL to back out.  Obviously they do not know how to read because the only person who said that was crazy cake lady.

ETA:  Make all of my Theys there singular, because it's obvious just that once chick is the moron.