Why oh why...

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:d2b9387f-9d69-4f04-b151-e9a6783b8749">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]apparently BP board isn't happy field trip <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3</a>
Posted by Jelenny[/QUOTE]

Wah wah.

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:96aa331c-5787-440c-8b7c-09e2b90274b2">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : She can afford a trip to Amsterdam but can't afford a hundred dollar dress? I don't like her. But I still don't like how you asked her to be a bridesmaid.  I wouldn't ask anyone like that to be a bridesmaid. But I'm weird, what do I know.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

<div>This is very bridezilla to comment on people's financial situation, but I know she can afford it. She is the VP of a high school. Anyway, that's not the point.</div><div>Looking back, I went against my better judgment and asked her to be a bridesmaid thinking it would calm down her craziness, make us closer and make me like her... worst...idea...ever...</div>

Nebb

She just sounds like she is being difficult now, though that doesnt excuse your behavior either. I still stick by my first answer. She is probably looking for an out anyways because she cant afford it.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:6c4773e0-5131-488f-a3c8-f6905ffd36c8">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : Yes, you're both right. She's just so irritating sometimes. I don't know what it is about her, she always gets under my skin. Fiance's family warned me about asking her to be a BM and I should have listened.  It's just so irritating that I spent $1,000 for her wedding, and she is making a fuss over $220.  I think I'm going to refrain from telling her all of the things I want to say to her, and write back nicely that if she can't spend $220, I<strong> will understand if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore.
</strong>Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

Please don't do this.  It's asking for trouble.  Has she had a baby, gone back to school or purchased a house? All of those are pretty much money sucks.  She should have asked you what your budget was for a dress and you should have asked her, too.  She's family.  Don't kick her out of your wedding.  It's a little early to buy BM dresses anyways, what if one of your girls gets pregnant in the next couple months?  I'd wait. 
How would you have felt if she kicked you out of her wedding for not having the money to buy her $250 dress?  She just doesn't have the money, stop taking her finances so personally and look at the big picture.
I don't know why the $1000 you spent on her wedding counts now.  It was very generous of you, but if she doesn't have the money, it doesn't mean you're better than her.

MarriedInAFever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:d2b9387f-9d69-4f04-b151-e9a6783b8749">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]apparently BP board isn't happy field trip <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3</a>
Posted by Jelenny[/QUOTE]

Lame.

Jelenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:0bce6f25-d19d-47db-b3b9-36d5fb42d60e">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : Yeah because they're freaking idiots.  They think we told OP to tell FSIL to back out.  Obviously they do not know how to read because the only person who said that was crazy cake lady. ETA:  Make all of my Theys there singular, because it's obvious just that once chick is the moron.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

reading thread.....totally optional right?  :0)

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:61e6c8f2-b254-4672-b304-ac5444afdc7a">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : This is very bridezilla to comment on people's financial situation, but I know she can afford her. She is the VP of a high school. Anyway, that's not the point. Looking back, I went against my better judgment and asked her to be a bridesmaid thinking it would calm down her craziness, make us closer and make me like her... worst...idea...ever...
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

I don't think it's bridezilla to just say that about her.

I certainly wouldn't say that to her face.  But she's being stupid by bringing that trip up with you and then not being able to justify buying a dress for your wedding.

And yeah, asking her just to avoid drama is the worst idea ever - because obviously, you haven't avoided any drama at all.

betrothed123

Apparently, Jel.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:7ccf51ad-3dfa-4e38-a0c1-a0555d28b1bd">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : What she spends her money on does not matter. She told OP she can't swing $220 for a BM dress. I'm fine financially and I wouldn't spend $220 on a BM dress.  That doens't mean I can't spend my money on other stuff.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
She also said 100$ was pushing it. Thats on the lower end of the BM dress spectrum.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:96aa331c-5787-440c-8b7c-09e2b90274b2">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : She can afford a trip to Amsterdam but can't afford a hundred dollar dress? I don't like her. But I still don't like how you asked her to be a bridesmaid.  I wouldn't ask anyone like that to be a bridesmaid. But I'm weird, what do I know.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I don't often disagree with you AATB, but what FSIL does with her money isn't the OP's business, she wasn't supposed to go on a vacation because she's in a wedding?  Not really fair. 

Night_Sprite

Ask her if it would be easier on them financially to step down.  I think after the facebook chat that would be appropriate.

MarriedInAFever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:7ccf51ad-3dfa-4e38-a0c1-a0555d28b1bd">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : What she spends her money on does not matter. She told OP she can't swing $220 for a BM dress. <strong>I'm fine financially and I wouldn't spend $220 on a BM dress. </strong> That doens't mean I can't spend my money other stuff.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Agreed, especially someone I wasn't close with. If my best friend got married, I would roll some quarters and make it work. Someone I have lukewarm feelings about? Don't think so. No offense intended here. But you clearly aren't crazy about this girl and chances are, the feeling is mutual.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I was referring to the $100 that her bridesmaid was saying was pushing it.  Personally, I think  $220 is a bit much.  But $100 is pretty common or at the lower end as far as bridesmaid dresses are concerned.

I'm not saying she can't spend money to go on trips - but she can't be a bridesmaid in a wedding and expect to not spend money, either.

OP - instead of having all your bridesmaids wear the same dress, how about you give your bridesmaids a color or style in mind and let them decide what they will pay for a dress?  You could avoid this drama easily that way.  It's then out of your hands.

SarahPLiz

Maybe she can't swing a $100 or $220 dress NOW, but if you aren't asking her to purchase it NOW, then maybe the 2 of you can work something out.

I make enough to buy a $200 dress, but when my friend recently picked out a BM dress and then told me that was it and it was $185, I was floored. I CAN afford it, but I'd rather spend my money on something that isn't a one time use thing. So yes, she may have a way to get that money by the time you need her to order it, but perhaps she has other plans for that much money. Lord knows I did.

FWIW, the most expensive pieces of clothing I have ever bought have been BM dresses. I would NEVER spend $200 on a dress for myself. Just something to think about. 

ETA: I forgot about my wedding dress, but that's in a different league

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:2d5b85b9-673f-49f5-ab3a-4c745909d11f">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : I don't often disagree with you AATB, but what FSIL does with her money isn't the OP's business, she wasn't supposed to go on a vacation because she's in a wedding?  Not really fair. 
Posted by 526SadieSadie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, but at the same time, when you agree to be in someone's wedding, you agree to pay for a bridesmaid dress. FSIL has really irritated me with her $100 is pushing comment. </div><div>I seriously think she is asking for a way out. Why else would she say the $100 comment?? I think she would rather come as a guest.

</div>

[Deleted User]

It doesn't matter what her job is, even people with good jobs can still be tight on money. You don't know what bills she has, debts, extra expenses, etc. And if she just took a trip, then her financial situation may not allow for a dress at this moment, especially if she wasn't asked how much she could afford in the first place.

She may be just difficult and not want to agree to anything, but telling her she can step down just because of a dress cost is a little extreme.

jasmineh7777

It sounds to me like she is looking for a way out. Is there a graceful way to offer to let her back out? Erm, maybe, "SIL, if this is putting too much financial strain on you right now, I will understand if you want to step down." IDK, that's the best I can come up with.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:12c444a4-f0dc-4e98-bbe1-08bdcb2faf60">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]I was referring to the $100 that her bridesmaid was saying was pushing it.  Personally, I think  $220 is a bit much.  But $100 is pretty common or at the lower end as far as bridesmaid dresses are concerned. I'm not saying she can't spend money to go on trips - but she can't be a bridesmaid in a wedding and expect to not spend money, either. OP - instead of having all your bridesmaids wear the same dress, how about you give your bridesmaids a color or style in mind and let them decide what they will pay for a dress?  You could avoid this drama easily that way.  It's then out of your hands.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Ok, I'm back on board with you now.  But I think OP's putting the cart before the horse too.  It's too early to be buying dresses and it's too early for FSIL to assume she will never have $100 to spend on a dress.

SarahPLiz

She said she couldn't afford much "right now". Right now as in today, not in 6 months when the dresses need to be ordered. Cut her some slack. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Yeah, it IS a little early to be doing bridesmaid dresses.  Giving them a few months to save wouldn't be a bad idea either.

But I still think if you let them pick their own dresses - it would alleviate money drama.  They don't all have to wear the same dress.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:59020cff-fefc-4b7a-a76c-a0ce46d80725">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]She said she couldn't afford much "right now". Right now as in today, not in 6 months when the dresses need to be ordered. Cut her some slack. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Agreed.  She's family, don't make things more strained than they might already be, especially if her husband and you fiance are close.  If she was a random cousin of his, I'd say just let her bow out gracefully and hold no grudges, but she's married to your FBIL, don't eff that relationship up.

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:10fa4ee0-02a0-4ced-b3ef-3ceeb50af46a">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : Yes, but at the same time, when you agree to be in someone's wedding, you agree to pay for a bridesmaid dress. FSIL has really irritated me with her $100 is pushing comment.  I seriously think she is asking for a way out. Why else would she say the $100 comment?? I think she would rather come as a guest.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]
If she so desparately wants out, let her bring it up on her own.  Attempting to "give her an out" will probably look like you want to kick her out but don't want to say it from her point of view, even if that's not the case.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Yeah, it sounds like she wants out.

If that's the case, you don't have to give her an out.  She'll leave if she wants.

stephl3055

I get the feeling that both the OP and the FSIL want the other to give them a way out.  Just tell the FSIL that the wedding is still a long way off and that you understand that she might need some time to save up. 

Maybe you should re-evaluate the dress situation and find a few dresses that are between $100-150 so that you show her you are trying to accomodate her.  It's hard to find BM dresses that are less than $100ish.

missy68

I've changed my mind about eye-rolling at posts.

SarahPLiz

I don't think she wants an out. I OP wants to believe she wants an out to make herself feel better about giving her one. 

I think the FSIL wants a few months to let her finances recover from a trip she just took, and I don't think that is too much to ask. 

I Want Cake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:0bce6f25-d19d-47db-b3b9-36d5fb42d60e">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : Yeah because they're freaking idiots.  They think we told OP to tell FSIL to back out.  Obviously they do not know how to read because the only person who said that was crazy cake lady. ETA:  Make all of my Theys there singular, because it's obvious just that once chick is the moron.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

1) I'm not crazy.

2) You could really stand to be less hostile.

3) I really don't see the problem with my advice , since it's come out that this person is planning a trip and has a really good job.  It's not that she can't afford $220, she chooses not to.  Why would FSIL have asked OP to spend so much on a dress for her wedding but not expect to do the same in return?  I know the 2 weddings are completely different issues, but OTOH, this person also has the choice to back out.  Maybe this isn't the Miss Manners approach, but I don't think it's completely unreasonable, either.  I'm letting my own BMs choose their own dresses in a color/length of my choice, but if OP's BMs signed on to this, then FSIL should've seen it coming and brought up any budget issues before now.

lilianne22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:416e5dd9-aa48-4390-a550-8ffde35f66d3">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]I get the feeling that both the OP and the FSIL want the other to give them a way out.  <strong>Just tell the FSIL that the wedding is still a long way off and that you understand that she might need some time to save up.  Maybe you should re-evaluate the dress situation and find a few dresses that are between $100-150 so that you show her you are trying to accomodate her.</strong>  It's hard to find BM dresses that are less than $100ish.
Posted by steph 13055[/QUOTE]

This is the best "solution" i've seen thus far. 

MarriedInAFever

Cake, unless you are Shoegal's BM, you don't really know what she can and cannot afford. It's the bride's responsibility to discuss the BMs' budgets before selecting a dress.

I think the bigger issue here is that Shoe doesn't want her in the wedding and the BM doesn't want to be in the wedding. And that is why obligatory bridal parties are ill-advised.

redheadfsu

OP don't try to give her a way out. She can back out IF she wants to without prompting. Just put the BM dress shopping on hold and/or see if you can find something cheaper.