Why oh why...

jasmineh7777

The dresses won't be ordered right now regardless, right? I think Steph is right. Let it lie for now and then look for dresses in her price range.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:0dd43a3c-70f4-4221-bf75-ec74af771008">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : It's not that she can't afford $220, she chooses not to.  Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]

You sure do know a lot about her.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:0dd43a3c-70f4-4221-bf75-ec74af771008">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : 1) I'm not crazy. 2) You could really stand to be less hostile. 3) I really don't see the problem with my advice , since it's come out that this person is planning a trip and has a really good job.  It's not that she can't afford $220, she chooses not to. <strong> Why would FSIL have asked OP to spend so much on a dress for her wedding but not expect to do the same in return? </strong> I know the 2 weddings are completely different issues, but OTOH, this person also has the choice to back out.  Maybe this isn't the Miss Manners approach, but I don't think it's completely unreasonable, either.  I'm letting my own BMs choose their own dresses in a color/length of my choice, but if OP's BMs signed on to this, then FSIL should've seen it coming and brought up any budget issues before now.
Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]

The highlighted portion of #3 really makes me doubt your statement in #1.

Bridesmaids aren't necessarily reciprocal.  There's no rule that says if you're a BM for someone, they have to be included in your wedding party.  There just isn't.  Secondly, there are three years in between the two weddings and anything could have changed the FSIL's finances in that span of time.  She doesn't have the money right now.  It's totally unfair to assume everyone has an extra $220 laying around that can be spent on a dress you wear for one occasion for someone you may or may not like.  FSIL was wrong for not clearing the cost of the dress with the OP, but two wrongs don't make a right. 

maratea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:0dd43a3c-70f4-4221-bf75-ec74af771008">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why oh why... : 1) I'm not crazy. 2) You could really stand to be less hostile. 3) I really don't see the problem with my advice , since it's come out that this person is planning a trip and has a really good job.  It's not that she can't afford $220, she chooses not to.  <strong>Why would FSIL have asked OP to spend so much on a dress for her wedding but not expect to do the same in return?</strong>  I know the 2 weddings are completely different issues, but OTOH, this person also has the choice to back out.  Maybe this isn't the Miss Manners approach, but I don't think it's completely unreasonable, either.  I'm letting my own BMs choose their own dresses in a color/length of my choice, but if OP's BMs signed on to this, then FSIL should've seen it coming and brought up any budget issues before now.
Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]

The BM dress I bought for my best friend's wedding was $250. Could I afford it? Not really, but she was my best friend and I would have had a bake sale to raise enough money to stand next to her. However, if we'd had a WP, I would certainly hope she didn't expect to pay $250 just because that's how much I spent. I think my MOH's dress cost all of $40, and she picked it out herself. Reciprocity does not work in weddings.

Pirata13

I do kind of have to sideye the SIL for taking a trip and not even being able to afford her cell phone payment upon her return.  I more than agree with those who have suggested finding a less expensive dress everyone can order in a few months when SIL may be in a better position. The dress debate is a different issue. But I'm sorry, if you go on an overseas vacation and basically can't afford groceries or basic living expenses when you get back, you're spending money you don't have.

missy68

Pirata, I LOVE your photos! I haven't had a chance to tell you - and congratulations, Mrs.!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_oh-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:63e095ad-19c0-4dae-a5a5-335d92891d4dPost:d2b9387f-9d69-4f04-b151-e9a6783b8749">Re: Why oh why...</a>:
[QUOTE]apparently BP board isn't happy field trip <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_field-trip-3</a>
Posted by Jelenny[/QUOTE]

Well, that was the most ridiculous piece of crap thread. That emilykathleen person is now added to my gooch list.

katiewhompus

Sheesh. That had better be an awesome BM dress, because that's how much my wedding dress cost me!

I think the "can't afford it" arguement could be perfectly valid. There are things that I feel are worth money, and things that are not. I'm not going to buy a $220 dress that I don't like and will only wear once. I'm sorry but I'm not rolling in dough and to me that's a stupid financial decision for me to make. I would also let the bride know that I can't afford that dress, and it might be easier if I were just a guest.

I see this as a case of "I don't want to offend her" on both sides. FSIL doesn't want to come out and say "I don't want to be in the BP" because it might offend the OP and cause family stress (especially if she is already frowned upon) so she's trying to get the OP to give her a way out. OP will probably cause family stress if she tells her to step out because now she's snubbing her FSIL.

Yeah, that's it.

Lenore2010

So far as the deal on the other board, board jumping to talk about what a bunch of A-Holes we are when you have not even read the bleepin' thread is so Jr High I am speechless. Gee, do we have cooties too?

Anyway, trying not to replay to much of what has been said here is my take:

1. A lot of this bridal party trauma can be avoided by communication. TALK about cost and plans and expectations when you ask someone to be in your wedding party, not midstream or worse yet, right before the wedding.

2. If she can't afford the dress, and you really want her to wear that dress, pay for it yourself. I do not want to do a "see how great I am" but one BM was in the middle of a divorce, the other was unemployed. I told the dresses were on us. That worked. If she is saying she cannot afford a dress, that may be your best option. Assuming she is wanting to bail is not a safe assumption.

3. Remember, this person is essentially family. Whatever you do here will be with you for a very long time.

If she really was a demanding beotch of a bride with no regard to her BM's

situations, that is not an excuse for you to go Bridezilla on her now. You asked her to be in your wedding, mistakenly or not. Now deal with her, I say.