Need advice please :(

regwithaq

CN: Reg under an AE.  My fiance "grinded" on girls at a club at his bachelor party and experimented with drugs.  What do I do?

I am a regular poster on this board.  I'm posting under a new sn because I have been pretty open with my real identity on my real sn and don't want anyone to stumble across this post who I know in real life.

My fiance had his bachelor party this past weekend.  Before he left we had multiple conversations about our comfort zones as far as B party goes (mine is supposed to be in a few weeks).  We are both uncomfortable with strippers and agreed that we didn't want any at our parties.  We also said we didn't want to do anything with the opposite sex.  We were both interested in having a night with our friends, a girls night for me and a boys night for him.  Neither of us are big partiers and are pretty against drugs.  He smoked weed a lot before we met and quit.  I have never had any interest in smoking. 

Anyways, his friends took him to a casino out of state for the weekend.  The location was a surprise and he was super excited about it.  I trusted him because he has never given me any reason not to. 

When he came home, I could tell something was wrong.  When I asked him how the weekend was, he admitted he smoked weed twice even though he had promised he wouldn't.  The next day he also admitted he "grinded" with two girls at a dance club.  He claims nothing else happened with the girls but now I don't know if I should believe that or not.

I know his behavior doesn't sound very crazy, and would probably be acceptable for some couples, but it isn't for us.  What is hurting me most is he KNEW how I felt about these things and he disregarded my feelings.  I don't think smoking is a huge deal but its the fact that he did it even knowing I didn't like it and having promised he wouldn't.  As for the girls, I can't get the image out of my head of some skanks rubbing all over him.  I am disgusted and can't imagine being intimate with him right now.

What do I do?  Am I completely wrong to be so upset?  Our wedding is coming up very soon and now I'm questioning everything I've ever known about my fiance.  I just feel like he was so disrespectful and don't know how I could ever trust him to go out with his friends again in the future.  And how can I really marry someone I don't trust?  I love him so much and our relationship has never given me doubts.  Sorry for the long post, and thanks if you read everything.

Blueyed228

Oh who gives a shiiiit.  When you start laying down "rules" like no strippers and "OMG DONT EVEN TALK TO GIRLS!" this is they type of crap that happens.

He came home to you no?  He didnt kiss anyone, didnt get a blowie in the bathroom, so whats the big deal.

cheeseandrice

Man. I was hoping for something juicier, I'll be honest.  weed =/= 'experimented with drugs' 

I think you're right to be upset, only because you guys intentionally talked about it ahead of time. But in the long run, it really wasn't that bad.

[Deleted User]

I despise drugs of any kind, but even I wouldn't get up in arms over the weed.

Now, as for the girls. There is a good chance that would be a dealbreaker for me. Someone who is "uncomfortable" with strippers wouldn't be grinding up on random girls, in my opinion.

I'm sorry he was a douche, though.

pirategal03

strippers =/= dancing with random girls, which is what it sounds like you've described

Also, if he's smoked pot in the past, and he did it again over the weekend, that doesn't sound like "experimenting" with drugs.  

Talk it out with him, you'll feel better. 

Girlie1030

Did the weed come before the grinding? 

I honestly don't think the weed is a big deal, and if he did it early in the night it could have lowered his inhibitions which allowed for the grinding, which I also don't think is that big a deal.  He was honest with you though, he could have said nothing...  So I think the only question is exactly how big of a deal is this for you? 

regwithaq

And thats the thing, if he hadn't told me ahead of time that he did not want to smoke or dance with girls or anything, I wouldn't care as much.  Part of it is that we had talked about it and I feel like he did it knowing it would hurt me.  I certainly didn't "set rules" for him.  We had an open discussion about what we were comfortable.  He agreed with my thoughts and I agreed with his.  He also agrees that if I did what he did then he would be upset.

Nebb

Unless the girls were naked, I dont think you should worry about them grinding.

maratea

Did you tell him you weren't comfortable with him dancing with other girls? Because strippers and dancing with other girls are pretty different scenarios. And it's absurd to think that your FI will never touch another female. It's gonna happen, maybe not with bad intent, but giving him lots of rules may lead to resentment.

Blueyed228

I danced with guys at my BP.  Guess that means im a trampy whore and my H should divorce me.

pirategal03

Okay, so you're justifiably upset.  What else do you want? What would make you feel better?  Going back in time isn't an option. 

regwithaq

Yeah, we definitely agreed we weren't interested in dancing or spending time with the opposite sex in that way at our b parties. 

I see now that "experimenting" was the wrong word. 

Its not even the content of what he did that is upsetting me so much as the disregard for my feelings after our discussion.  It feels so dishonest and disrespectful. 

pirategal03

Who planned this event? It wasn't your FI, right?  He can't control what his friends plan for him to do. 

KateJ10

I am in the this is not a deal breaker camp. I mean, he came home and told you about it. I would still be upset but I would get over it. And I was thinking he was doing coke or something. Weed just isn't a huge deal. Sounds like he got caught up in it after he hung out with his friends and started drinking.

regwithaq

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:8b19426b-6fbd-4883-8d8f-86bb71bff596">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so you're justifiably upset.  What else do you want? What would make you feel better?  Going back in time isn't an option. 
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

I guess I just wanted to see if I was out of line for my feelings and if anyone had any advice.  I see now that most people think I'm being overdramatic which is fine.  I'm just upset and unsure what to do from here, thats all. 

LetsHikeToday

At least your fiance isn't the one who racked up a $10,000 tab in the back room and signed the bill at the end of the night. 

Nebb

How long until the wedding? Do you have time for councelling to talk this out.

[Deleted User]

How did he disregard your feelings? By not immediately telling you, or did he say something when confessing that makes you feel like he's not respecting you? Because how he told you may be more important than what he actually did.

Also, it may be what you agreed, but if he was (assuming) drinking and doing drugs, all that likely went out the window. Not necessarily on purpose, just out of stuppidity due to being under the influence.

regwithaq

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:bac857a3-904c-4dd7-8d5a-ebd37a0c606d">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I danced with guys at my BP.  Guess that means im a trampy whore and my H should divorce me.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

I certainly don't think this.  I know what works for some couples wouldn't be okay with me and fiance, and vice versa.  I don't judge anyone else's relationship but this is just something we both claimed to consider stepping over the line, and he did it anyways.

Blueyed228

If I had to tell my 36 year old H how to behave on a night out with the boys I probably shouldnt be married to him.

I can imagine it going like this:

me: Hey, no cheating on me.
H: Yeah no sh!t asshole.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:b33a2d72-0238-4644-b45c-ef8c4cafb103">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : He can control his own actions and decisions on smoking pot and grinding with randoms.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Absolutely, but if his friends took him on a trip and planned to go out drinking and partying.  Is he supposed to say no no, I can't, y'all go out, I'll wait here/DD/something else that doesn't involve the plans you've made ?  I think it's situational, he got drug along with his friends trying to give him a last hoorah.  </div>

regwithaq

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:ca7a2f70-c276-498e-b006-26e8013abd57">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]At least your fiance isn't the one who racked up a $10,000 tab in the back room and signed the bill at the end of the night. 
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

ha, I forgot about this.  I definitely know it could be much worse.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:59b0c56b-2eec-49cf-859b-7b40367aa1c1">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : I certainly don't think this.  I know what works for some couples wouldn't be okay with me and fiance, and vice versa.  I don't judge anyone else's relationship but <strong>this is just something we both claimed to consider stepping over the line, and he did it anyways.</strong>
Posted by regwithaq[/QUOTE]

<div>Doesn't sound like y'all were really on the same page then. </div>

arwo

I don't think you're "completely wrong" to be upset (you did talk about what you were and were not comfortable with beforehand, after all), but I think you are over-reacting a little.

I will say that I am notoriously non-jealous, but dancing (fully-clothed) with some chicks should not be a big deal, even if they were getting all up in his business. I've done that with guys that I wasn't dating, and it really wasn't sexual. It was just dancing. I think you should trust him if he said nothing else happened.

I don't have anything to say about the dope smoking, just because I can't relate to being upset by that. That's my lack of empathy though; I'm not passing any kind of judgement on being upset by it.

regwithaq

His friends planned this but if he can't control himself drunk then I feel like I can't trust him to go get drunk in the future, ya know? 

We have a little over a month to go before the wedding.

Blueyed228

Honestly I dont see the big deal.  He went out got drunk, smoked some weed, and danced with a few girls.  This is hardly a travesty.

Blueyed228

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:4c4928b5-701c-4e14-9780-58f46868f169">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]His friends planned this but if he can't control himself drunk then I feel like I can't trust him to go get drunk in the future, ya know?  We have a little over a month to go before the wedding.
Posted by regwithaq[/QUOTE]

This was his bach party.  If he did this every time he went out with his friends, then fine, be upset. 

cheeseandrice

I could help you out a lot more if I knew who you were. just saying.

Also, if your FI says he'd be upset with you for doing the same thing he did, he's a hypocritical douche. Unless he thinks you're justified in being upset.

Either way- like PPs said. He came home and told you. He was honest. He didn't try to lie or hide it. I think that says far more than what he actually did do.

Blueyed228

A month away huh?  Was there coffee involved?

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:46d29d65-dc13-4174-8654-f9b38addb1e8">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]How did he disregard your feelings? By not immediately telling you, or did he say something when confessing that makes you feel like he's not respecting you? Because how he told you may be more important than what he actually did. <strong>Also, it may be what you agreed, but if he was (assuming) drinking and doing drugs, all that likely went out the window. Not necessarily on purpose, just out of stuppidity due to being under the influence.</strong>
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

I totally disagree with stuff like this.  If something makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable regardless of his level of sobriety, and being intoxicated is not an excuse or a mitigating factor, IMO.  Unless I'm totally misreading what you're saying here.

Look, OP, I don't know what you want.  Can you get over it?  If so, then get busy.  If not, then you know what needs to happen. 

regwithaq

He does feel bad and knows he messed up.  It certainly helps that he was up front about it and is being honest.  My biggest concern is being able to trust him again in the future.  I have had trust issues in the past because of an asshole ex and other family stuff and fiance is the first person I have ever fully trusted. 

I don't get the coffee question but maybe I missed something. I haven't been around much this week.  There was no coffee involved?