They were discussing this on the radio...

MeaghanandMichael

You know how most of us usually say, "I would have married him without the ring!" when some one crazy comes on here and says the size of the diamond directly corresponds to how much he loves you?

Well, would you have become engaged if he wanted to but really could not afford the ring? This is your own fi/h we are talking about. Would you have trusted him enough to be able to pull his share financially if he could not afford a ring when you guys wanted to get engaged? fwiw - they were saying it had to be the traditional diamond and not a band or fake ring... thoughts?

LesPaul

Yes.  I know DH is one of the most financially responsible people I have ever met, and I would have been happy with a twist-tie if that's all he could afford today. 

Hypoithetically, if I were a man asking a woman to marry me:  I would be highly offended if I were purchasing a ring for my FI and it was judged to be insufficient to demonstrate my love or commitment.  I think I would reconsider asking such a person to marry me.

KatyRoseM

I would have married him without the ring.  If he were not able to afford it that doesn't mean he isn't financially stable, just that he can't do the extras.  Further, he is in school, and will have an ability to get a good job after (though the economy is hurting that) so even if he cannot support himself right now he will soon. 

While financial considerations are important, not being able to get a ring doesn't mean he is destitute. 

526SadieSadie

with my first engagement, he asked me really spontaneously.  we were having a really fun day and he just came out with it.  It went something like this:

Us:
laughing

Him:
Will you marry me?

Me:
Sure!  Someday, that'd be wonderful!

Him:
No, I'm really asking you, will you marry me?

Me:
For real?

Him:
Yeah, I've been thinking about it, I want to marry you, so....will you?

We shopped around for a ring and found something he could afford and I loved.
(but of course, that ended)

One of my friends' girlfriends took extra special care of him when he was sick and he was so touched by her attentiveness, he took a twisty tie off a bag of bread, wrapped it into a ring shape and proposed.  He had the "real" ring on layaway but even once he paid if off and gave it to her, she kept wearing the twisty tie.
(but of course, that ended too)

MarriedInAFever

I needed a ring. Not a HUGE ring. Not a particular size or style. But I needed a ring.

vegasgroom

I'm in the minority on this subject; I think getting engaged means you need to have a ring, doesn't need to be a diamond ring or what not, could be whatever the couple is happy with.  And yes, if the only reason you dont have a ring is because the groom to be can't afford one, then you shouldn't be getting married yet.

jasmineh7777

Yes. I don't put much stock in symbols, and really a ring is just a symbol. His actual commitment to me has nothing to do with a ring he bought me.
If we are at the point that he is proposing, then we should have already discussed financial responsibilities.

ohwhynot

Eh, this is a touchy subject for me right now because I'm, generally, the more fiscally responsible person.  However, H has made huge strides toward financial responsibility and we're on track to pay off all his debt in about 4 years.

I guess technically he couldn't afford the ring he purchased, because he has debt.  Must one be debt-free in order to really "afford" a new purchase?  In one sense, if you have debt you can't afford anything new, but in another sense, as long as you're paying down debt and you can make all of your monthly payments, you can afford it.

Gah.  Obviously, I married my husband.  He bought a gorgeous ring that I couldn't love more (but it's not a diamond); I'd have married him with a twisty-tie. 

[Deleted User]

I would have. H told me he wanted to propose but couldn't afford the ring. I told him I didn't need one, but he insisted (he wanted to propose on our anniversary, and we had been talking about what to do for it). So we looked online and found cheap rings, mine was like $140-50 or so. He still says that one day he'll get me a "real" ring but I love mine.

I never considered him unable to provide or pay his share just because he couldn't shell out thousands for a ring. Like KatyRose said, neither of us can do extras but we can pay the bills. We were already living together and sharing costs so I knew our financial situation already.

prncsz

I feel indifferent on this my fiance decided that he wanted to spend his life with me a little over a year after we had been together. Once he decided this he began saving money to buy the ring that he thought would show just how much he loved me and he wanted the world to know he proposed after 3 years of dating. Now I would have been satisfied with a little diamond to me it's what the ring symbolizes.
Although I did end up getting a bigger ring than I expected, I would have been happy regardless. If a man is working and balancing school you have to take those things in to consideration. He may not be able to purchase that big diamond now, but once he gets established he can upgrade. But a ring is a must!

jasmineh7777

I see what you mean OWN. Maybe part of why I don't care about the ring is because he and I both are students and are also paying off a house. I would rather put that money towards either of those things than a piece of jewelry.
I love my ring, but I actually felt really weird about him spending money on it.

baystateapple

FI was the one who refused to propose until he had saved up enough money for the ring.  I BEGGED him to just forget the ring, I said I didn't need it, but he insisted.  I know that everyone says that you're "engaged" as soon as you verbally make that commitment, but he didn't consider it a real engagement until I had a ring on my finger.  Which was so frustrating!  I told him so many times that it was just a piece of jewelry and it didn't matter to me.  And it didn't.  Still wouldn't, if I had to go back and do it all over again.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:beea3d78-bb98-41d4-acf1-5272d76cb1f6">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hypoithetically, if I were a man asking a woman to marry me:  I would be highly offended if I were purchasing a ring for my FI and it was judged to be insufficient to demonstrate my love or commitment.  I think I would reconsider asking such a person to marry me.
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]

My opinion on that topic is that if such a thing were to occur, it probably means the couple doesn't communicate well to begin with and hopefully he does get offended and they split up because they'd probably end up splitting up later anyway and better to do it sooner rather than later.

goheels05

I need the ring.  I don't ever want to upgrade, I want my ering to be my forever ring.  So it was important to me to have one that I'm in love with and proud of. 

Andplusalso, I need financial security.  I probably wouldn't have married anyone who couldn't afford an engagement ring, not because of that, but because if they don't have savings and steady income, they probably weren't my type to begin with.  ::shrugs:: 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:77e5d34e-98e6-4450-b5a5-c3dac7bde72f">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the minority on this subject; I think getting engaged means you need to have a ring, doesn't need to be a diamond ring or what not, could be whatever the couple is happy with.  <strong>And yes, if the only reason you dont have a ring is because the groom to be can't afford one, then you shouldn't be getting married yet.
</strong>Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but I find that to be ridiculous. Many people can pay all their bills, not be in debt, and still not be able to afford thousands of dollars for a ring. Or even hundreds.But that doesn't mean the couple isn't ready to get married. The financial situation affects the wedding aspect, yes, but for a couple alreay sharing finances, supporting one another, etc, not being able to afford a ring is not a reason to say they shouldn't get married.

LesPaul

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:56ec8187-16b9-44f9-82c1-bfe8899c524c">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: They were discussing this on the radio... : My opinion on that topic is that if such a thing were to occur, it probably means the couple doesn't communicate well to begin with and hopefully he does get offended and they split up because they'd probably end up splitting up later anyway and better to do it sooner rather than later.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

True, Vegas.  I think an attitude like this (on the woman's part) would be just the tip of the iceberg, and there would be larger underlying issues much more important than the size of the ring.  I don't see a long happy marriage in store for the couple.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:6c8f9d5e-6d6d-4d88-80d1-a7b0e54755d1">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: They were discussing this on the radio... : Sorry, but I find that to be ridiculous. Many people can pay all their bills, not be in debt, and still not be able to afford thousands of dollars for a ring. Or even hundreds.But that doesn't mean the couple isn't ready to get married. The financial situation affects the wedding aspect, yes, but for a couple alreay sharing finances, supporting one another, etc, not being able to afford a ring is not a reason to say they shouldn't get married.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

As I stated in the sentence right before the one you bolded "doesn't need to be a diamond ring or what not, could be whatever the couple is happy with."

If a man can't afford even a few hundred dollars on a ring, then no they shouldn't be getting married; I mean seriously, what is a few hundred dollars?  I could have come up with that even when I was putting myself through school by working full time for <$10/hour.  If the man, or couple, are in such dire financial times that a few hundred dollars would be a significant impact to their personal finances, I hope they never get in a car wreck or step on a nail and need to go in for something as simple as a tetanus shot since they wouldn't even be able to afford to do that.

jasmineh7777

There is a big difference between- I can't afford a ring because we live paycheck to paycheck, and- I can't afford a ring because I am lazy, don't work, and won't contribute.
I don't want to support someone who isn't trying, but I also don't want to rely on someone else for my financial security. It is very important to me to get and education and be able to support myself. H and I share finances, but I never want to be in the position where I need him rather than want him.

MarriedInAFever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:157b2739-f428-421a-81b7-37146bde47ce">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I need the ring.  I don't ever want to upgrade, I want my ering to be my forever ring.  So it was important to me to have one that I'm in love with and proud of.  Andplusalso, I need financial security.  I probably wouldn't have married anyone who couldn't afford an engagement ring, not because of that, but because if they don't have savings and steady income, they probably weren't my type to begin with.  ::shrugs:: 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. It doesn't have to cost a fortune. But I think he should be able to afford a ring.

kd.joseph

My DH is very financially responsible. I'll be honest I didn't know much about his finances until a few years ago. But he knows what he can afford or what he can't.

I'm the one coming into the relationship with debt (from divorce), and we keep our finances separate.

But I didn't need the ring he bought me, when we went shopping I was trying to be frugal. He spent more then I expected, but I didn't need any of it. I would have married him with a twist tie also.

[Deleted User]

A few hundred dollars is a lot of money to some people. Not everyone has the luxury of making tons of money, or they are saving for something and don't want to worry about that kind of extra expense. Could we pay a few hundred for something? Yes, but it would mean having to cut back in other areas. And buying a ring is completely different than a hospital bill or car wreck.

Saying things like, "seriously, what is a few hundred dollars" to me sounds like "la-de-da, I make more money and don't have to worry about silly things like bills and finances." I know it isn't always meant that way, but it really burns me when people can't understand that others live paycheck to paycheck (this frustration comes from something unrelated to these boards). Especially when they in turn say they shouldn't even get married.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I'd marry Ben without a ring, but that's only as long as we're talking about how I feel about him.

I think I kinda needed a ring to be engaged.  I can't imagine planning a wedding or announcing my engagement to people and having them say "let me see your ring!" and then having to explain that I didn't have one yet.

My mother is actually REALLY terrible about jewelry.  She hounded my dad for quite a while for an upgrade - her original set was a plain gold engagement ring with a diamond about a half a carat, with a very simple plain wedding band.  Two years ago on a trip to St. Thomas, they purchased an ENORMOUS 2+ carat flawless looking diamond in a rather extravagant setting.  It's a really huge, flashy ring and my mom has said that even though she felt excited when she bought it, she sometimes doesn't like wearing it around town because women give her dirty looks.  No one wears jewelry like that where I'm from.

Anyway - when I was growing up, she kind of hammered into us four girls that your man should love you enough to give you a nice, big diamond, and that you shouldn't say yes unless it's big enough.  I've always wanted a gorgeous ring, but I can't imagine telling Ben "try again" if he bought me a ring that was less than I expected.

I did end up with a very gorgeous, diamond split shank engagement ring with a center stone that's exactly one carat in size - and I love it.  But I would have said yes for less, or for nothing. 

And my mom loves my ring too - which is flattering to me.  She's said that if she had gotten a ring like mine in the first place, she probably wouldn't have needed an upgrade. 

But yeah, even though I'd say yes without a ring from Ben, I can't imagine what a nightmare planning the wedding would be like with my mother.  She'd definitely be mentioning it all the time, and that would drive me nuts.  I don't need a ring for myself and Ben - lol, I kinda need a ring for my mother.  Sad, huh?

jasmineh7777

Vegas- Many, many people live pay check to pay check. It is inevitable if you are both working minimum wage jobs in a place with a high cost of living. I don't think that means people shouldn't get married. That would mean marriage is reserved for what, the middle class?

JenGin74

I would've married Tim without a fancy ring,  just as long as he asked me all romantic-like (I'm a sucker for that mushy stuff).

Honestly though, I wasn't planning to ever get married again so he could have never asked and I would have been fine with that too.

MarriedInAFever

When FI and I first starting dating, we both worked retail and went to school full-time. We lived paycheck to paycheck for most of our relationship and we're certainly not affluent now. BUT, we save for what we want. If someone was struggling to make ends meet, they could recycle soda cans or donate plasma until they've saved enough money for a ring. It is possible.

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:7588badc-0b3e-4f00-a4d3-665d23b5412e">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE] Anyway - when I was growing up, she kind of hammered into us four girls that your man should love you enough to give you a nice, big diamond, and that you shouldn't say yes unless it's big enough.  I've always wanted a gorgeous ring, but <strong>I can't imagine telling Ben "try again" if he bought me a ring that was less than I expected. </strong>
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]


Ditto this, but also, I can't imagine Wes just going out and buying a ring without having any idea what I would like.  When girls post on the boards that they hate their e-ring, I just can't relate because Wes isn't like that.  I didn't flat out hand pick my ring, but he knew whose rings I liked and whose I didn't, and he knew what he could afford and what he wanted me to have, and he has great style.  I know not everyone is lucky to have a Wes.  :)  So I usually just keep my mouth shut when those threads pop up. 

jasmineh7777

I really wouldn't have wanted H to donate plasma to buy me a piece of jewelry. Like I said, my ring doesn't indicate anything about my marriage. It won't make us succeed or fail. It's just a symbol, and you can assign as much or as little meaning to that as you will. His actions mean far more to me than how much money he spends on me.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:9ea55df9-f6c1-4af2-a7f4-f43a54d7519a">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]When FI and I first starting dating, we both worked retail and went to school full-time. We lived paycheck to paycheck for most of our relationship and we're certainly not affluent now. BUT, we save for what we want. If someone was struggling to make ends meet, they could recycle soda cans or donate plasma until they've saved enough money for a ring. It is possible.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

We do that, recycle cans, not the plasma thing (that sounds painful). I drink way too much soda for my own good so H started keeping all the cans. It's going towards our house fund (it will buy us only a new lamp, maybe, but hey, it's a new lamp!)

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:e1ae9d74-a3d5-4bda-9756-2fc69eff0ed8">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: They were discussing this on the radio... : Ditto this, but also, I can't imagine Wes just going out and buying a ring without having any idea what I would like.  When girls post on the boards that they hate their e-ring, I just can't relate because Wes isn't like that.  I didn't flat out hand pick my ring, but he knew whose rings I liked and whose I didn't, and he knew what he could afford and what he wanted me to have, and he has great style.  I know not everyone is lucky to have a Wes.  :)  So I usually just keep my mouth shut when those threads pop up. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]


Yeah, Ben and I went shopping quite a few times before he purchased my ring.  I do kinda think that unless a guy knows EXACTLY the taste his girl has for jewelry, he shouldn't just go out and buy a ring she doesn't have input on because not all girls will just wear anything.  And I'm not even really talkiing about size, but style.  Ben didn't want me to wear something I didn't love, so I really like that he took that into consideration.

Some girls argue that it's not romantic enough unless you're completely surprised about your ring, or that if you can expect what your ring looks like then it's not as special.  For me, the surprise was the size of the diamond.  I told Ben I thought it would be incredible to have a one carat solitaire - but that since I picked the band, it was up to him to pick the diamond, and whatever size he could purchase I'd be fine with.  So his hand picking a gorgeous stone was surprise and romance enough for me, lol.

MarriedInAFever

I was (kinda) kidding about selling plasma. But I do believe you can save money for a ring, even just by cutting back.

SarahPLiz

Yes. FI spent his savings on a down payment for our house. I was really surprised when he proposed with a ring. Not being able to afford a piece of jewelry because your savings priorities are different is not a bad thing at all. 

I think that the finances of a couple are their business. If the BF is in school, and the GF is already out and working, then she may be making more than him and he may not have the means to buy the ring. It doesn't mean that he won't be able to provide for them in the future. Also, if the GF is ok with their financial arrangement, then there is no issue here. 

I do, however, get a little wary when both parties are living paycheck to paycheck with no amount to save up for anything. I, personally, wouldn't want to get married in that situation because it is very stressful on relationships.