They were discussing this on the radio...

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:ddc9b4c3-77fb-4f0f-b12c-feace965776c">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I was (kinda) kidding about selling plasma. But I do believe you can save money for a ring, even just by cutting back.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

I agree that you cans ave, and it makes sense to rather than spending a bunch right at once. I think it depends on what you're buying. Like, we're cutting back to save for a house. But, I didn't care about an e-ring so I told H to just buy what he could afford since he insisted on one.

jasmineh7777

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:ddc9b4c3-77fb-4f0f-b12c-feace965776c">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I was (kinda) kidding about selling plasma. But I do believe you can save money for a ring, even just by cutting back.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

I see what you're saying. Personally, if we are cutting back and saving I would rather that money go towards student loans or our house. But I am far more practical than I am romantic. I could have done without the whole shindig if I weren't Catholic.

Steph0871

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:6f6c25c7-3a30-46cd-95a5-935043313897">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE] Some girls argue that it's not romantic enough unless you're completely surprised about your ring, or that if you can expect what your ring looks like then it's not as special.  For me, the surprise was the size of the diamond.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]


If FI hadn't designed my ring, his plan was to buy the stone.  Most jewelers will give you a temporary setting that the guy can use to propose. Then the couple can go back into the store with the stone and pick out a setting together. I thought that was a good 'compromise." 

One of my really good friends proposed to his girlfriend of 6 years.  (With a huge ring I might add. They were only 20, but I bet that thing was at least 2 carats- he's always been really good with his money, owned a house at 21, etc.)  Anyway. he got down on one knee and her response, "can I exchange it for a bigger one?"  They broke up that day, and he's better off without her.

MarriedInAFever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:3da56d82-a3af-412d-821a-b0f963b41ea5">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: They were discussing this on the radio... : I see what you're saying. Personally, if we are cutting back and saving I would rather that money go towards student loans or our house. But I am far more practical than I am romantic. I could have done without the whole shindig if I weren't Catholic.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

That's completely understandable. Trust me, I totally get practicality.

jasmineh7777

That is terrible Steph. At least he found out though, poor guy.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:157b2739-f428-421a-81b7-37146bde47ce">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I need the ring.  I don't ever want to upgrade, I want my ering to be my forever ring.  So it was important to me to have one that I'm in love with and proud of.  Andplusalso, I need financial security.  I probably wouldn't have married anyone who couldn't afford an engagement ring, not because of that, but because if they don't have savings and steady income, they probably weren't my type to begin with.  ::shrugs:: 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

All of this.  Which is why we weren't engaged when we were in school.  We didn't get engaged until we were financially ready, the ring was part of that.  Our friends said "it's about dang time" when FI bought the ring, but for us, it wasn't the right time before then.  I'd have stayed with FI without a ring, but we wouldn't be getting married. 

I was in a serious relationship before FI, and ex and I talked about marriage.  He was ready to buy "a little diamond now that you can upgrade later".  I don't want to sound like that's why it ended, because that's not it at all.  But it did make me think a lot about how compatible we were with our financial goals.  We came from similar backgrounds, and he was content to live like that forever, I wanted out of that small town and into a different life.  The different ways we thought about an engagement ring were indicative of how we thought about most financial choices and other life choices.

Edited because grammar and I are not communicating well this morning.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:6baf23c5-270c-47d8-8c10-a0536b844130">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: They were discussing this on the radio... : If FI hadn't designed my ring, his plan was to buy the stone.  Most jewelers will give you a temporary setting that the guy can use to propose. Then the couple can go back into the store with the stone and pick out a setting together. I thought that was a good 'compromise."  One of my really good friends proposed to his girlfriend of 6 years.  (With a huge ring I might add. They were only 20, but I bet that thing was at least 2 carats- he's always been really good with his money, owned a house at 21, etc.)  Anyway. he got down on one knee and her response, "can I exchange it for a bigger one?"  <strong>They broke up that day, and he's better off without her.</strong>
Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm glad he saw that big red flag waving.</div><div>
</div><div>I fully expected FI to propose at some point, but I should clarify my earlier post saying that I didn't expect him to propose so quickly after we bought the condo. He saved like mad to buy me a really nice ring. He was the one that insisted on the amount he spent on the ring, and I am still a little embarrassed that he spent that much. He could have paid off his student loans. </div>

[Deleted User]

MIAF--I know where you're coming from. I could have gone without a ring, but somehow I did feel more "engaged" with one. I wouldn't want to be married without a wedding band, that's for sure.

Steph--that's horrible. I feel so sorry for your friend. You're right, better off without her.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:6baf23c5-270c-47d8-8c10-a0536b844130">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: They were discussing this on the radio... : If FI hadn't designed my ring, his plan was to buy the stone.  Most jewelers will give you a temporary setting that the guy can use to propose. Then the couple can go back into the store with the stone and pick out a setting together. I thought that was a good 'compromise."  <strong>One of my really good friends proposed to his girlfriend of 6 years.  (With a huge ring I might add. They were only 20, but I bet that thing was at least 2 carats- he's always been really good with his money, owned a house at 21, etc.)  Anyway. he got down on one knee and her response, "can I exchange it for a bigger one?"  They broke up that day, and he's better off without her.</strong>
Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]


My mouth literally could have hit the floor, it just dropped open so wide.

Unbelievable.  Poor guy :(

My mom's center stone is a little bigger than two carats - I can't imagine asking for something bigger.  In fact, I'd probably tell him he didn't have to go that all out and that it would be okay to scale it back!  He is DEFINITELY better off.

MarriedInAFever

Pirate, I agree and did the same thing. We've already been together over four years. As soon as we were scheduled to graduate, he proposed.

merivale87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:77e5d34e-98e6-4450-b5a5-c3dac7bde72f">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the minority on this subject; I think getting engaged means you need to have a ring, doesn't need to be a diamond ring or what not, could be whatever the couple is happy with.  And yes, if the only reason you dont have a ring is because the groom to be can't afford one, then you shouldn't be getting married yet.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this.</div>

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:f7b2bd3d-6b6b-437c-a3ad-4eefb18942e6">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]Pirate, I agree and did the same thing. We've already been together over four years. As soon as we were scheduled to graduate, he proposed.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

FI finished school a year and a half before me, we'd been together 4 years at that point.  I graduated in July, he proposed in August. 

MeaghanandMichael

Sorry for the total post and run, I really wish I had been here for this but work called

I agree mainly with what Heels said in this thread. I think not being able to afford a ring is indicative of other things and potentially some communication issues and just would not be what I was attracted to anyway. Although, I can see the goal being a house like Sarah said and legitimately not having enough left over from the down payment for the ring.

I just know I got married relatively young and it meant a lot to me to know we were on track financially enough for Mike to get us a ring. However, my sister got married at 22, was engaged with a cigar band, and now 17 years later they live in a freaking masion in NC and she doesn't work. It is just interesting to see what people do and why they do it.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:5e6560b4-dc22-4cfb-b4d5-ca45c19c8483">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]A few hundred dollars is a lot of money to some people. Not everyone has the luxury of making tons of money, or they are saving for something and don't want to worry about that kind of extra expense. Could we pay a few hundred for something? Yes, but it would mean having to cut back in other areas. And buying a ring is completely different than a hospital bill or car wreck. Saying things like, "seriously, what is a few hundred dollars" to me sounds like "la-de-da, I make more money and don't have to worry about silly things like bills and finances." I know it isn't always meant that way, but it really burns me when people can't understand that others live paycheck to paycheck (this frustration comes from something unrelated to these boards). Especially when they in turn say they shouldn't even get married.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Ok, well in that case I'll just go ahead and say it, people who are living paycheck to paycheck should be worrying about financial planning rather than wedding planning, and they also should not have kids until they have their financial issues resolved.  Marriages are frequently destroyed over financial issues, and if a groom is in such bad financial shape that saving a couple hundred dollars for a ring over what is hopefully a reasonable period of time between meeting someone and deciding to propose to them, then that marriage is, statistically, much more likely to fail.  Why would anyone want to rush into marriage knowing they have an underlying issue that may lead to its failure?

Why not just delay the proposal while saving up a few hundred?  Is there some deadline that can't be missed?  If he avoids eating fast food once per week, that alone would result in probably $35/month worth of savings and after eight or nine months there would be more than enough to buy some type of ring.  Or give up the HBO/Showtime package on cable.  Or drink tap water instead of (insert any beverage of your choice here that is likely to cost an order of magnitude more than tap water).  There are a huge number of easy ways to save money at a rate that will take less than a year to have enough to buy a simple ring, and if sacrificing a couple of those small luxuries for less than a year to be able to make a ONE TIME FOR LIFE purchase of something that shows your commitment to someone you're supposed to be wanting to spend the rest of your life with, well then I'll just be blunt and say it's a bad idea to be planning a wedding with that person.  If it is not a savings issue and is instead a debt issue where the groom is saddled with so much debt that every last bit HAS to go to trying to pay down debt and a couple hundred dollars for a ring would be a significant impediment to ever getting out of debt, well, again, it doesn't sound like it's a good time to be wedding planning as there are bigger problems to worry about first.

How many relationships do you know that ended up working out in the long run when they started out with "let's move in together to save money"?  I have more than a few friends who thought that was a good idea and none of them are together anymore.

MarriedInAFever

Golf claps for Vegas.

jasmineh7777

I'm going to strongly disagree with you Vegas.
I grew up in a family living paycheck to paycheck. We certainly didn't have HBO, or fast food, or any other little luxuries.
I turned out just fine. I will be the first person in my family to graduate from college, and I learned the difference between "need" and "want." I've got a strong work ethic, which I can't say for my friends that grew up without having to work for anything.

On the flip side, being totally financially comfortable doesn't mean your marriage won't fail. Financial stress can be a huge issue, but it is usually one one many.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:50e868b5-10a3-4c90-90d0-f889d7b708c4">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]Golf claps for Vegas.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

I'm thinking a beer is in order.

Vegas - you kick ass.

jasmineh7777

When we got married, I didn't take it to mean, "As long as you are contributing equally, all of the time."
    I took it to mean, "All of the time, even if we both lose our jobs and end up living in the mission." I'm not saying other people don't make that commitment, but just that being financially secure when you propose doesn't guarantee that you always will be.

[Deleted User]

I agree that people living paycheck to paycheck with absolutely no room for error shouldn't have kids necessarily at that moment or plan a lavish wedding, which is why our wedding was probably one of the cheapest you'd ever find outside of JOP (mostly thanks to family helping out). And we aren't having kids anyway. And luckily for us, we don't consider our current financial situation a future cause of our doom. We know what we want and are working towards it, so what if we don't have thousands in the bank. We're happy with simple things just as much as we are lavish.

As for the savings, I also agree that there are simple ways to cut back. But it is presumptuous to assume a couple isn't already sacrificing in some areas just because they don't have a lot of money. You don't know people's living situations unless they outright tell you. Or what other expenses they have that cut into their savings.

With the last question, I don't think I've known anyone who did that. Friends of ours who divorced did so for reasons other than money (one cheated, another just grew apart). I guess this is one area we're going to have to agree to disagree.

MarriedInAFever

I don't think being financially unstable absolutely dooms your marriage, but I don't think it gives a good shot at succeeding.

SarahPLiz

I still don't see how being financially stable = wanting to spend said savings on a lavish piece of jewelry. Perhaps one is financially stable because they don't spend their savings on jewelry. 

I think as long as you are saving, and working towards a goal, that goal doesn't have to be a ring. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:b0a714d7-00f6-40e4-b134-3e8f792614a8">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think being financially unstable absolutely dooms your marriage, but I don't think it gives a good shot at succeeding.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

Maybe this is what I'm not understanding here. For H and I, our wedding didn't change anything outside of our marriage status. When we got married, we had the same financial status as before. So, why is it different being married versus being just BF and GF? I don't think I'm understanding how the financial status equals a marriage's success. I'm not trying to sound snotty, I'm trying to see what you mean. I don't like the idea of someone judging the state of our marriage based on our bank account, maybe that's what I'm taking issue with.

Now, if one person was going out spending a ton and getting into debt, then yes that would definitely put a strain on the marriage. But just living paycheck to paycheck?

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:1a318551-3edf-434c-a7c8-a70c8c0e44a0">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to strongly disagree with you Vegas. :) I grew up in a family living paycheck to paycheck. We certainly didn't have HBO, or fast food, or any other little luxuries. I turned out just fine. I will be the first person in my family to graduate from college, and I learned the difference between "need" and "want." I've got a strong work ethic, which I can't say for my friends that grew up without having to work for anything. On the flip side, being totally financially comfortable doesn't mean your marriage won't fail. Financial stress can be a huge issue, but it is usually one one many.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you turned out fine, and I commend your parents for being willing to make those sacrifices to raise you, but on the flip side, what would they have done if something very serious (and expensive) occurred?  Say a serious illness.  This is why I don't think people who live paycheck to paycheck should have kids, or get married before they've got the finances squared away; you're gambling on your child's well being, and you shouldn't do that anymore than you should go to a casino and hope to double the paycheck you need to live off of.

I spent several of my college years working in the neonatal intensive care unit (ICU for preemies basically) at a local hospital, I saw kids of uninsured parents die who might have survived if their parents had the financial resources for certain procedures or tests to be done that were not part of what tax payer money covers for those patients.  I formed a strong opinion at that point that I would not be having kids until I was sure I could afford them without risk, and while I was sympathetic to the kids, I mean who wouldn't be, it doesn't make me any happier about the fact that tax money gets to pay for the medical bills of these moms who had kids and are broke.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Living paycheck to paycheck doesn't necessarily mean that you're fiscally irresponsible, either.  It just means you have less to work with.

I think people are perfectly capable of living paycheck to paycheck and still be able to cut corners and save where they can - because I do it.  It doesn't give you a free pass to not buy any sort of engagement ring, I don't think. 

jasmineh7777

Vegas- A serious illness did occur. My brother had cancer. My dad worked his ass off while my mom took him to chemo. We had to go on medicare (medicaid?) and my dad had to cut back his hours to qualify. We actually did have insurance, but they wouldn't cover his chemo because it was a "medication." Even had my dad been making double his salary, we couldn't have afforded the hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical bills. Even most middle class families couldn't do that.

Having children and getting married are two very separate issues. What I don't agree with is the common perception that people that live paycheck to paycheck are simply financially irresponsible. I don't think that is the case at all.

prncsz

You can buy a $30-$100.00 ring from Wal-Mart. I think the ring is important and shows that your intent is serious. IMO one is definitely needed.

On the subject of actually picking the ring I agree with pps stating the man should get an idea of their gf's tastes before actually purchasing a ring. My FI did his homework. Aside from what I said in passing conversation he had a mutual friend working with him. She's in a relationship and we would look at different engagement rings, he had her send me pictures of rings and ask did I like them. Not knowing I was designing my own ring in the process, I would respond with what I liked didn't like and from that he had my ring custom made.

MarriedInAFever

Se, I'm not talking about the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I'm talking poverty lifestyle. If you are constantly struggling to make ends meet, the utility companies are turning off your power, you're eating Ramen every night and there is saving a couple hundred dollars for a ring is completely unfeasible, that's going to be a stressful marriage because that's a stressful lifestyle.

People survive paycheck to paycheck for their entire lives. But it's not easy.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:3ad1bbb2-f40c-47c1-9013-7bd5d278025e">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]You can buy a $30-$100.00 ring from Wal-Mart. I think the ring is important and shows that your intent is serious. IMO one is definitely needed. I
Posted by prncsz[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't see how a ring shows intent or seriousness. It is an outward symbol of a private commitment. There is no need for an outward symbol for the private commitment to be valid and serious. </div><div>
</div><div>From the onset, I believed that our house was a symbol of our commitment. My cousin was the same way. THey skipped the e-ring and had an intimate ceremony with only their parents and siblings because they had just bought a home together. </div><div>
</div><div>A ring is a symbol, but it doesn't have to be the only symbol. Plus, there is no reason, IMHO, for there to be an outward symbol at all. I love my ring, but I believed FI was committed to me for life long before he proposed. </div>

jasmineh7777

I would rather have an actual legal and spiritual commitment than a "symbol" to wear. I love my ring, our priest blessed them, but I didn't need it to feel secure.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_were-discussing-this-radio?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c895139b-731a-44ea-a32f-00600524f4dcPost:1fb427a2-ea6f-459b-bee5-4f9ec49fbec8">Re: They were discussing this on the radio...</a>:
[QUOTE]Se, I'm not talking about the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I'm talking poverty lifestyle. If you are constantly struggling to make ends meet, the utility companies are turning off your power, you're eating Ramen every night and there is saving a couple hundred dollars for a ring is completely unfeasible, that's going to be a stressful marriage because that's a stressful lifestyle. People survive paycheck to paycheck for their entire lives. But it's not easy.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I can see that. That kind of stress would definitely lead to other problems within the relationship. We aren't at that point, thankfully, though my family was when I was a baby. My mom would go hungry to feed me. That's probably why I'm more sensitive to people (anyone, not necessarily on here) judging me or my relationship for how much we make. I'm actually proud of my paycheck (I know, it's kind pathetic), and while it would be nice to earn more, I'm just thankful we can pay the bills.