Favors
Charity favor
in Favors
So, I have this great idea... instead of wasting money on favors that people won't use, I thought up of something that will go for a great cause... breast cancer founation. Since my fiance's mother passed away 2 years ago of breast cancer that we only found out 4 months before she passed, I thought that we will donate money in loving memory of his mom. I'm sur ehis family will appreciate it but I don't want a cryfest over it. But I want to do it for him as well as my would-have been mother in law... but she's already my mother in law.. 
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Re: Charity favor
There is one sticky on this board. It's at the very top and called "Thinking of using a donation in lieu of a favor? Read this first." The majority of people agree with Trix's assessment of the situation.
This question comes up a lot. So here's the answer than I give to a question that comes up a lot.
Make your donation. I believe in donations. I make them myself. I think they're a good thing to do.
But don't pretend that they're a favor to your guests. Because they're not. They're a favor to the organization, and to you. You're taking the money you'd spend on a little something for your guests and giving it to someone else. How do you figure that's a favor for your guests?
Honestly, I don't need a favor. I don't really want a favor. You're already giving me food, drinks, entertainment. I don't need a matchbook or m&ms (although I LOVE m&ms) as a thank you.
But please don't in any, way, shape or form think that giving $$ to a charity is somehow doing something for me.
Think of it this way: Your neighbor comes over to your house and says “I’m going to do you a favor and shovel the snow from your driveway.” That’s a favor to you. But if your neighbor comes over and says “I’m going to do you a favor. I’m going to shovel my elderly father’s driveway”, you’d be thinking “how is that a favor for me?”
Because it’s not. It’s a favor, yes. But not for you. And what would you think if your neighbor to come to your house and said “Wow! I’m a terrific person. I just went and shoveled my elderly father’s driveway! I told him I did it your honor. Aren’t I something?” That’s pretty much how telling your guests that you’ve made a donation “for them” is going to come across.
Bottom line, IMO: charity donations are not favors. Make your donation. That's a wonderful thing. But why do you have to announce to your guests that you've made a donation?
I think it's inappropriate to donate anything "in your guests' names". Let them make donations to charities that are important to them. You make donations to charities that are important to you.
Just leave your wedding out of it.
Definitely read the sticky, because it actually has all the great points that Trix mentioned PLUS some thoughts from someone who actually did a donation at her wedding. But in case you still won't read it, here's the part of the other half of the sticky that I think is the most important thing to remember:
5) Realize that this is a controversial topic in the real world too, not just on the knot. So, there's a good chance that at least 1 person who attends your wedding will secretly sideye your choice to do this. If you can live with that, then go for it. But do not convince yourself that the ladies on here who oppose are just bitter evil hags and YOUR friends and family are all better than them and would never see it as a bad thing. That's naive and incorrect.
As for the charity you're choosing to donate to? That's a very personal decision. An example: A lot of people donate to SGK because it's the most visible breast cancer charity. But if you research SGK, you'll find that they pay their CEO 500K a year, and spend less than 30% of their donations "for the cure", and there are more problems with the organization.
I won't donate to them. Other people would. But don't think that by donating to a charity that I'm not in favor of, you'll be doing something for me.
Just curious: if donating to BC, which is a wonderful cause by the way, is important to you, why not give up YOUR flowers and donate the money you'd be spending on flowers to the charity. Or give up your wedding dress, and donate THAT money to the charity.
Why is the only part of a wedding that brides and grooms decide to "give up" and make a donation "in lieu" of, the part that is for the guests? Like I said: I don't need a favor. You're already giving me food, drink, entertainment. But don't fool yourself into thinking you're doing something altruistic by giving up favors.
Altruistic would be going to a JOP and giving all of the money you'd spend on your wedding to a charity.
Favors are completely optional. You don't have to give your guests anything to take home.
If you decide to make a donation, don't do teh "in lieu of" announcement. Never tell someone what they're NOT getting.
Make the donation if you want but it should have nothing to do with your wedding. Don't use money from the budget of something that you had designated for your guests (food, alcohol, favors, etc), Your guests should not hav to do without something in the name of charity. Instead take the money from YOUR daily budget. Giving to charity is a lot more rewarding when you give up haircuts, new clothes, or some other item that you can live without.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]I dont agree with it... <strong>people dont even use favors and it's a waste of money.</strong> donating money to a great cause doesnt mean that I'm doing the guest a favor. What does that have to do with doing a guest a favor?? They show up eat food, drinks, etc but at least the guest will know that we're smart enough to donate money to breat cancer founation. I mean you never know, what if our money actually help find the cure??.... that would be a priceless gift we ever gave.
Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
Then don't give favors, but seriously, you donating money to a charity that some people do not support is not a favor so don't label it as such.
And for the record, edible favors are always a hit, and we've received a number of other great favors - spoon rests, wine, alcohol, etc.
The truth behind a well laced dress
[QUOTE]I agree.... I'm not planning on using the guest's name on the donation or even give up anything just because of the donation. It will be a separate budget for the donation so we don't have to suffer just because we have to donate (ie. give up new clothes, etc). If we culd afford it, we will. but it will be the amount that we want to spend for the favors. I dont understand why someone will put in lieu of and put guest names.
Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
It just seemed from your original post that the plan was to donate in the guest's names as if that was their favor. If you're going to take a chunk of money and donate it instead of buying favors, that's great. But guests don't need to know about it. It's just something you did and didn't have favors at your wedding. They're 2 separate events, then.
[QUOTE]I dont agree with it... people dont even use favors and it's a waste of money. donating money to a great cause doesnt mean that I'm doing the guest a favor. What does that have to do with doing a guest a favor?? They show up eat food, drinks, etc <strong>but at least the guest will know that we're smart enough to donate money to breat cancer founation.</strong> I mean you never know, what if our money actually help find the cure??.... that would be a priceless gift we ever gave.
Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
It was from the tone of your OP, and then the bolded statement in your f/u that people felt you were going to inform your guests about the "favor" donation.
How exactly will your guests know that you're "smart enough to donate money" meant for a favor to the breast cancer foundation?
There's the rub for most of us. Make the donation. But why do you have to tell your guests that you're making a donation? It doesn't have anything to do with your wedding.
As for the comment about "smart enough" is something that will actually be money being used. I'm not stating that the other favors like candies and other things are a bad thing but maybe not even half of my guests actually use those favors. The guest will recieve a pretty pink paper saying that "in exchange for your favors, Ashley and Robert has donated money to breast Cancer founation in loving memory of his mom's name.. blah blah" something in that state. It's FOR HIS MOM it's more for HIM too and it means alot to HIM who lost his mother at a YOUNG age, where she won't be able to see us getting married, have her first grandchildren, first house etc... think of it this way... knock on wood this wont ever happen to anyone but suppose your daughter or your granddaughter has brest cancer, wouldn't u at least fund to help find the cure at least in this lifetime??.... But as for INFORMING the guests, why not?? They're gonna wonder where the hell is their favors. At least then They will know, we donated instead of getting them favors but its for a GREAT CAUSE. yes it's OUR day, it's up to us if we wanted it or not but then none of you would undrstand because u all probably have a mother in law that you hate so much or if you're lucky, the one that you really adore. At least, THEY'RE here with us but not his mother so to donate it's to at least to say that his mother will never be forgotten and that we're one step closer to find a cure.
Donations are something that come from the heart and should be done quietly. I really don't have a lot of respect for someone who donates to a charity and then draws attention to themselves for doing so.
And for you and Andreamichelle - it stopped being "your day" as soon as you decided to invite guests.
The truth behind a well laced dress
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]Thank you Andrea! Finally someone agree with me and I agree with u 100%!!!! As for the comment about "smart enough" is something that will actually be money being used. I'm not stating that the other favors like candies and other things are a bad thing but maybe not even half of my guests actually use those favors. The guest will recieve a pretty pink paper saying that "in exchange for your favors, Ashley and Robert has donated money to breast Cancer founation in loving memory of his mom's name.. blah blah" something in that state. It's FOR HIS MOM it's more for HIM too and it means alot to HIM who lost his mother at a YOUNG age, where she won't be able to see us getting married, have her first grandchildren, first house etc... think of it this way... knock on wood this wont ever happen to anyone but suppose your daughter or your granddaughter has brest cancer, wouldn't u at least fund to help find the cure at least in this lifetime??.... But as for INFORMING the guests, why not?? <strong>They're gonna wonder where the hell is their favors.</strong> At least then They will know, we donated instead of getting them favors but its for a GREAT CAUSE. yes it's OUR day, it's up to us if we wanted it or not <strong>but then none of you would undrstand because u all probably have a mother in law that you hate so much </strong>or if you're lucky, the one that you really adore. At least, THEY'RE here with us but not his mother so to donate it's to at least to say that his mother will never be forgotten and that we're one step closer to find a cure.
Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
Favors are not expected. And if some of your guests ask or wonder this, then that's their own character issue.
Don't you dare come on here and make accusations about people's relationships with their mother in laws. That's crossing the line.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]To those who disagree- It is to HONOR and to support the person in our family. She's a good friend to MY side of the family before my FI and I even got together. That's why this is the donation from all the guests that actually is a great idea but it may not be a good idea for others. <strong>This is not to get recognition which is stupid and selfish for anybody to say stuff like that.</strong>
Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
I'm sure that's not your intention but that's how it will come across.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]everything I keep reading about on these boards reiterates that “it’s your day” Posted by andreamichelle86[/QUOTE]
If by "these boards" you mean WeddingWire, you're correct. Otherwise, mmm yeah no.
[QUOTE]To those who disagree- It is to HONOR and to support the person in our family. She's a good friend to MY side of the family before my FI and I even got together. That's why this is the donation from all the guests that actually is a great idea but it may not be a good idea for others. <strong>This is not to get recognition which is stupid and selfish for anybody to say stuff like that.
</strong>Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
Then <strong>DON'T</strong> draw attention to the fact that you are donating, if you aren't doing it for the recognition. Just don't mention it at all, as I believe several other posters have suggested.
[QUOTE]Giving it to the charity is fine but no one should EVER be told what they're NOT getting.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
<div>This exactly. It's the same thing as saying...hey here's some money! But I'm spending it for you and you have no choice as to where it goes. </div>
I agree with all of the PP's except for Newb Validator. Donations are a great thing - I donate all of the time to different charities, but I dont go around flaunting it, in fact, most people don't. Donating to a charity is a private thing and should not be flaunted. Riddle me this: John isn't married, John's mother died years ago from heart failure, John was an only child and doesn't have any close female friends. How is this pink piece of paper anything for HIM?
(Here's the part I hope you actually read...since you'll probably scan the rest and roll your eyes)
Now, I've thought of something that might tie your "charity favor" and an ACTUAL favor together. I know many times that charities sell things that the proceeds go to the charity. Personally, I'd go this route. Could you buy nice pink ribbon pins or something that the proceeds go to the charity? Or maybe they have like, pink wine bottle stoppers or something? Something PHYSICAL that a guest can take home is a favor - and if the money goes to charity, then BOOM - you've got your Charity favor.
ETA: If you did this - I still recommend NOT saying "here's your pink keychain! We bought it because proceeds go to SGK!!" For all of the reasons that PP's said
I'm doing Team in Training for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!
And like PP said, your guests may not even agree with your charity. For example, I would donate to the Fund for Animals, but not PETA. If a donation was made to PETA as my favor, I'd be extremely annoyed.
And by the way, this has no bearing on my relationship with my MIL.
[QUOTE]It's FOR HIS MOM it's more for HIM too and it means alot to HIM who lost his mother at a YOUNG age, where she won't be able to see us getting married, have her first grandchildren, first house etc... think of it this way... knock on wood this wont ever happen to anyone but suppose your daughter or your granddaughter has brest cancer, wouldn't u at least fund to help find the cure at least in this lifetime??.
Posted by ashleyme88[/QUOTE]
<div>Oh and before you spout off a rant like none of us understand what it's like...my husband's mother passed away from MS in 2007. My stepmother died of a brain tumor in 2004. Neither of them saw us get married and they will never know our children. </div><div>
</div><div>Do we want to stop these diseases? Of course we do. We donate money and get involved in events. But we do those things on our own time because that is OUR agenda. </div>
If I went to a wedding without favors, I wouldn't "wonder where the hell my favor is". Do the donation, don't put announcements about it on the tables. Like B said, don't tell them what they're NOT getting. Plain and simple.
And for the love of God, please make note that the word is FOUNDATION , with a D. At least 3 times in this post you said founation.