Bridal Shower Drama - Divorced Families!

HeatherBob

I am having some Bridal Shower woes! When I started planning my wedding... I specifically said I didn't want a bridal shower. Well, now it appears that I am going to be having a bridal shower.

My situation here is that my parents have been divorced just about all 22 years of my existence. Both of my parents have been happily remarried for 15+ years. I told my MOH that I wanted one big shower with both parts of my family & my Fi's family. It's just so much easier than three small ones.

My sister hinted to me that my mother is planning a shower at my grandmother's house for just her side of the family. This just irritates me because I already feel awkward when my families are together and this makes it so much worse. I just want everyone to be together for "two" days of my life and be happy about it. It's for me - not for them (I sound so selfish). How do I tell my Mom that I want one big shower, and not just three small ones. I feel it isn't fair, especially since I have two half sisters & they are both in the WP. One sister is from my mom & one is from my dad. It would be completely unfair if my sister's were not invited to one shower or the other. I hate to make my mother upset and I just want to make everyone happy - but this is my day. I just don't know how to tell her.

I need some help, anyone out there that had the same situation or something similar! I don't even want to think about what the wedding is going to be like.

Kristin789

Well, first of all, family members cannot host showers.  That's a blatant demand for gifts for your relative, as if the only thing this wedding is about is scoring some really great gifts. 

A bridal shower should be given by the bride's matron- or maid-of-honor or one of her best friends. Family members are not supposed to host the shower, according to traditional etiquette. Rebecca Black of Etiquette Now advises that neither the mother of the bride nor the mother of the groom should host the shower.  A-to-Z of Manners and Etiquette.com reiterates that it is an absolute faux pas for family members to throw the bridal shower.

Showers should NOT be given by immediate family members, lest that family unit be perceived as begging for gifts for their own family members.

Etiquette says don't have a family member host your bridal shower unless they are also the honor attendant (Maid/Matron of Honor).


The shower is hosted by the MOH, assisted by the BMs.  The bride is asked for a guest list, and you can certainly invite your mother, stepmother, and stepsisters or whoever you want. 

dittmerbullard2010

That rule is outdated. There are reasons it's outdated but I'm too tired to type them out.

OP- if you don't want your mom to throw you a shower, graciously decline the shower. The one big shower can be thrown, and whoever doesn't want to attend, doesn't attend. Period.

You don't HAVE to have a shower, just because someone offers.

banana468

You can always decline the shower.

But also, keep in mind that people may not WANT to just get together and be happy.  I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind but brides will sometimes come on here wanting their divorced families to sit together or walk in together as if they're still happily married and that isn't the case - and the brides are way out of line for wanting it.

FWIW, a smaller shower generally flows better.

HeatherBob

I guess it's hard to explain what it's really like. Both of my parents have been remarried for a long time & they get along fine. I told my MOH what I wanted & shes going to go ahead with that - but that doesn't mean my mother has to agree with her at all. I just would rather have one shower than three... especially since one for each side of the shower would be useless since there are only three or four members from each side invited. It's just a complicated situation for me & it's hard to explain for someone to fully understand

btartaroind

I'm sorry but the wedding and the shower are about YOU AND YOUR FIANCE. These people need to suck it up. I am in a similar situation, but luckily all the families are coming together for one shower. But that doesnt mean the seating chart, ceremony seating, and other roles arent going to be hard to sort out.

I was worrying about this, and during my pre-marital counseling, my Pastor said to me that the wedding is about the joining of two people and the start of their lives together. It's not about if the bridesmaids dresses are ugly,  or who got to sit in the front row etc. It is about witnessing the joining of two people.

So, you should have one shower thrown by your bridal party (and all three mothers can chip in or have the opportunity to help with planning too). Whoever comes, comes. Whoever is too bitter will miss out. Your whole life will be this way, so you need to set the precedent that there will be times when there will be only one event for the whole family. (a baby's baptism, a high school graduation party etc) so they better get used to it. You dont need the stress and bitterness from the last generation on you....

banana468

btart, your pastor is correct but that doesn't translate into how a pre-wedding party is thrown.  That's determined by the hostess.

Those at the party need to behave themselves, but the guest of honor doesn't get to say that a party can only be a certain way.

HeatherBob

My MOH is hosting the shower, but I want all three families involved. I don't care about the so called "rules". I am a very non-traditional person (as I am bride) & this is what I want. It's hard for someone to say what they think when they aren't in the same exact position I am. I can have say & I will say what I want - whether that is carried out or not is up to my MOH, but she knows what I want & she gets it because her parents are divorced too. FYI: My parents have been divorced since I was a year old... so this has been my whole life.

Btart - you said it perfectly. Thank you. You completely understand what I am getting at. The bridal shower is just the first step to the rest of my life dealing with this stuff. Whoever comes, comes. And who doesn't is going to miss out - that is all I have to say. But it isn't a lot to ask for everyone to just put on a happy face and come together for me. It's not my fault I'm in this situation at all - so no one should make me feel like it is!

banana468

Heather, as long as your MOH is cool to go along with what you're wanting that's fine.  If that's the case then the invited guests can choose to attend or not attend and they do need to put things behind them.

ecuchika

I am having a mixed family shower.  My mom and dad split up only about 5 years ago (I was already in college) so slightly different than what you described.  But I was talking about it with my BM who offered to throw me a shower and she was asking about a guest list.  I have a handfull of people from each side of family ie Mom's side Dad's side and FI's side (parents not split and way smaller family unit than mine) Due to other circumstances it makes it so much easier to have one shower and if someone can't make it then ok we will see you at the wedding.  As for the shower with your mom-if  you dont' want it decline it.  If you decide to  have it anyway she should invite your (from what I got in your posts) wedding party two 1/2 sisters simply b/c they are your WP.  I was a BM for my cuz and she had 4 showers and I got an invite to all of them b/c I was a BM. One shower was for the grooms side (thrown by someone related on that side of the family i think an aunt) and all of the BMs were invited despite 4/5 were Bride's family.

like pp said set the standard now...YOU MUST BE CIVAL AROUND EACH OTHER AND DEAL WIITH EACH OTHER FOR CERTAIN EVENTs in my life PERIOD!!!

I did that with my parents...I was like there are going to be times that you have to get along for a few hours or one day w/e so just deal starting NOW..and also I have a brother too remember him same thing goes w/him.
so far parentals are behaving themselves!!! best of luck!