Pre-wedding Parties

Conflict with family on shower etiquette

My aunt, along with some other members of my family, are hosting a shower for me.  I'm so grateful she has offered to do this, as I thought I wasn't going to get a shower period.  I live out of state, and my MOH hasn't mentioned anything other than b-party.  The problem is, she wants to invite women to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding.  I explained delicately to her that this would be considered improper etiquette, but she insists that it would be fine, and that it happens all the time in our family. 

I still don't feel right about it, regardless of how my family usually does things.  I feel like it is rude, end of story.  Unfortunately though, my aunt can be a bit of a control freak.  You tell her that she is wrong, and you're ungrateful.  If I refuse the shower, it would damage our relationship.  Yes, she is that sensitive, and likes for things to be her way, all the time.  Damaging my relationship with her would also mess things up with my grandparents.  I don't want that.

Either way, I can only give her the list of guests that I definitely want there.  If she adds these other women that aren't invited to the wedding, well that's her choice and I can't control that.  In the end, she would look like the rude one.  I don't know what else to do, except let her do what she wants.  I would never see or talk to most of these people again; they're distant family members that I've met once or twice.

Is there a better way to handle this?
image
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Daisypath Anniversary tickers

Re: Conflict with family on shower etiquette

  • danieliza1127danieliza1127
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you are doing all you can.  If you honestly can't decline the shower without damaging your relationship with her, just give her the list of people you want invited (wedding guests only) and go from there.  Maybe have your Mom or Dad (or the other family members that are throwing the shower with her) reiterate to her that anyone she invites that is not on the wedding guest list won't be added to the wedding guest list just because she invites them to the shower.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • amdjellyamdjelly
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    That's pretty much what I just did lol...I sent her a list of female wedding guests that I want invited.  Unfortunately my mom and grandma are both with her on this, and my parents barely speak (divorced).  So I did the best I could do.  Thanks for the advice!
    image
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • AmandaK2010AmandaK2010
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    That is the same thing that is happening to me!  My FMIL is having a shower for me on Saturday.  I had to ASK to have my sister and grandma invited.  And even though I told her NOT to, she invited people who aren't invited to the wedding to the shower.  Luckily, these people live on the other side of the state and I will never see them again.  That will save me from the embarassment of not inviting them to the wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    Print out some info from credible etiquette sources about how this is BAD BAD BAD.. maybe seeing it from an outside source will help.   Just a thought
  • edited December 2011
    My FMIL has insisted that a few out of state cousin's of my fiance be invited to the shower. I feel like a gift grabber having them on the guest list! I have never met them or only met them once and they are a plane ride away! I feel uncomfortable about it but if I don't invite them it will just cause more problems.

    I feel your pain!
    Married & TTC #1 since 8/28/10 BFP #1 10/25/10 - EDD 7/5/11 -M/C 11/10/10 BFP #2 12/16/10 - EDD 8/26/11 - BORN 8/10/11 Photobucket Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    :(  what a tough situation!!!   you have my sympathies...
  • jaclyndohertyjaclyndoherty
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    It's really not that big of a deal. So these women who you barely know and will see this one day may be offended. Keep in mind that they can decline the invitation if they want to. I would just accept it and forget about it. 
  • LaurenPaige19LaurenPaige19
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    It honestly sounds like you are doing everything you can in this situation, and all that you can control is your own actions. So my only suggestion would be that if these women are present at the shower, that you are gracious as possible and let it be, because you are not the rude one, your aunt is for putting you and the bridal shower guests in an uncomfortable position. Good luck dear!
  • edited December 2011
    When you see these people at the shower you can say something like, "Oh what a nice surprise to see you here" then they will know that it wasn't your idea to invite them.
    Or you could write it in the thank you card "what a nice surprise it was to see you at the shower."
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards