Disaster! Help!

briawna

Ok, this is what my original post SHOULD have said (The real original post is in quote in a response below, and is long and rambling.)

After some of the advice given here, I have a new perspective on the problem.  It crystalizes to this:

My MOH is my best friend who asked to have a central role in the wedding, and wanted to be first in line for any "wedding stuff," because she wanted to be involved.  She even asked me to not let a specific other BM take over with any planning details because she wanted to be front and center.
For the last two months she only calls me with her own problems and won't even talk to me about wedding stuff.  When I confronted her and tried to talk about wedding specifics (because other BM were offering help and I didn't want to undermine her and accept their help without giving her a chance to be in charge) she got upset like I was bombarding her.

My FMIL won't come out and say it but she hates my guts because I am an atheist and she thinks I've corrupted her son (he was also an atheist long before I came along but wasn't as vocal about it).  She tries to change every detail of the wedding and insists on weary a dress that is the same color as mine.  I believe this is because she opposes our secular wedding on principle.  I have tried to go to lunch with her or have her over for dinner so we can discuss our differences peacefully, but she refuses and changes the subject whenever I try to bring it up.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I read the first half of this and skimmed the second half.  The registry freakout, I agree, is a little much on behalf of your FMIL.  But really, all you can do is ignore it.

 But other than that, you shouldn't expect any more out of your bridesmaids or your maid of honor than what they offer you.  They arent expected to help you with anything.  Yeah, you're planning a wedding and there is a lot to do.  But just because you're getting married, it doesn't mean that your bridal party stops having a life outside helping you with your wedding details.  No one cares more about your wedding than you.  If your maid of honor has homework to do - sorry, but that trumps addressing invites.  You're lucky your other girls were there to help you and since they were I doubt it would have made that much of a difference if she wasn't.

Whoever told you about the MOH "duties" is a moron.  The only duty she has is to show up on your wedding day in the dress and maybe give a toast.  Anything else she helps you with is because she offered, not because you expect her to.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:08d37499-edc5-48f2-95a2-8ec08b5a53f2">Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, please help!  MOH and FMIL fail: My MOH and I have been inseperable for years.  But now that I'm getting married and needing to rely on her for anything, she's compeltely MIA. She doesn't return my phone calls, only calls me when she's had a fight with her boyfriend, and hasn't done ANY of the MOH responsibilities.  I arranged for a bridesmaid's party to assemble our invitations and she sent me a text message two minutes after she was supposed to be there saying that she really needed to finish some homework.  I called and told her it was really important to me to have her help and she showed up an hour and half later, was grumpy the entire time, and insulted one of my other bridesmaids to her face.  As soon as we were done she tried to run out the door.  I asked her if she could stay for just 5 minutes and go over some scheduling details to which she rolled her eyes and said, "Can't it wait till after August 7th?"  (This was earlier in the summer, my wedding is August 29!!) I was floored.  Seriously? She had been totally out of touch for months, and when I asked to do just a little bit of scheduling so I could get on the same page with her, she wanted me to wait until three weeks before the wedding!  I kindly explained to her that there was a lot to do between now and the wedding and it couldn't wait till just three weeks out.  She sighed and sat down for a minute and opened her planner. . . Then she proceeded to have an epic emotional meltdown about how busy her life was, because she took 9 credits at the community college this semester and couldn't possibly cope with one more thing until her semester was over.   I then told her that if she needed to turn over some of her MOH duties to another bridesmaid she could (I had one gal I should have made MOH, and she would gladly do any of the work without any of the glamour or credit).  My MOH then said that she would delegate a few tasks, but that she still really wanted to be MOH.  I said that was fine, but that the most important part was communicating with me.  I told her if nothing else I needed someone to vent to and ask advice, not run all my errands for me. I then didn't hear from her again for a week.  When I did hear from her it was because she was upset that one of her ideas for the bridal shower (which my sister is throwing) weren't being used.  When I tried to call her back (she'd left a message) she never returned my call. This bridal shower also had to be rescheduled twice because she called me and said she wanted to go ride horses with her mom the weekend it was scheduled . . . Also, she is saying she can't afford to have her dress altered or buy shoes.  I bought all the bridesmaids dresses for them, by the way. And my FMIL is worse!!!!!!!! FMIL decided to go buy an Ivory dress without my input when I told her I wanted to go shopping with her and my mom alltogether to make sure everyone coordinated. (She was instructed to buy grey . . . but no . . . she bought ivory. My dress is ivory, by the way) Then she informed me that our choice of a rustic, high-end mountain resort for our outdoor wedding was a dump (This is one of the most expensive and exclusive destinations in our area . . .) and that the all wood, original gazebo from the 1920s that we are going to get married in front of is too "ramshackled" and that she is going to fix it up by creating a skirt of white tulle to go around to gazebo's base.  When I told her I thought that wouldn't coordinate with the look she told me she'd tie it all together by affixing artificial white doves to the top of the gazebo.  She wants to drape our floral arrangements in white tulle, too . . . She's also VERY religious (FI and I are atheists, and she knows this) and in her religion it's a sin to drink coffee, tea, or alcohol, or to live together before marriage.  FI and I do all of these.  When we sent out save the dates she called my FI and imploded because the return address label had both of our names on it, under the same address, and she was so upset that some distant family member would be offended (it's no secret that we live together and are non-religious, we have lived together for years and have sent out Christmas cards from this same address for two years in a row).  Then she told my FI to take my name OFF the return address labels of all the future things we would be sending out, including the invitations!!!!  (He, of couse, told her to take a hike.) Then she called me and told me to go to Target and set up a separate bridal registry because our Macy's and Bed Bath and Beyond registries had "inappropriate items" that she wouldn't want any of her side of the family to see on our registry.  The "inappropriate items?"  A coffee machine and stemware that matches our china. I'm going to scream!  She also cancelled a bridal shower she was going to throw me because I wouldn't either edit our registry or set up a new one. It just sucks that two women who are supposed to have such a central role in this wedding are the two I don't want to be anywhere near right now . . .
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]


Sweet jeebus!  You are way high-strung on these things. 

Concerning the MOH--You pick a MOH based on the relationship that you have with her, not for amount of work that she will do for your wedding or parties that you have.  Honestly, I would not have shown up to your invitation-stuffing party either.  That is a self-absorbed, asinine reason to be mad at somebody.  Your wedding party has one responsibility.  They have to show up on the wedding day and smile for pictures.  Everything else, including pre-wedding parties, is gravy. You cannot expect people to drop their lives for your one-day party.  That is ludicrous. 

Your MOH is probably not returning your calls because nobody likes a nag.  She obviously has things that are way  more important to her than your pretty princess day.  Get over yourself and ditch the entitlement attitude.

As far as you MIL, she has a right to her opinion just as you do yours.  When she trashes your venue, just smile and that you and FI have the decorating  covered, but you appreciate her input.  Pick your battles.  As far as the registry, that is your decision.  Make a third or don't.  That is up to your FI and you.  I have no commiseration for you concerning the cancelling of your shower.  That is her decision.  Showers are gifts to people and should not be expected.  All you can do at this point is drop it and move on.

Your entire post is epic bridezilla.  You are totally out of line, especially with your MOH.  This is the problem with dreaming of a wedding since age three.  Relationships are wrecked, unreal expectations are not met, stress levels rise.  You need to relax.

aerinpegadrak

Holy wall of text, Batman!

She's not required to do anything more than get the dress and show up.  Anything beyond that is extra.  So if she deems passing her classes and graduating more important than saving you a bit of time in a wedding chore, that's entirely her call.  So I'm not sure what MOH tasks she had to delegate, because anything pre-ceremony is optional and can be done by anyone regardless of title.  If you need someone to vent and ask advice, that's what your FI is for.  He's the other one getting married.

Instructing your FMIL on what color to buy was out of line.  She probably bought the ivory gown to spite you.  She doesn't really have to coordinate with anyone, it's not like she and your mother are actually going to be in pictures together.  (I don't have a single picture that contains both my parents and my in-laws.)  And yeah, she sounds like she kind of sucks, but just stop talking about the wedding with her.  She doesn't really need to know details unless she's paying, in which case she does get a say in the plans.

PeonyPrincesskdd

No need for Disaster and help.  You are over reacting, with the small amount that I was able to read.. I will come back later for some advice and reading the rest, but in the mean time take a chill pill.

briawna

I am surprised that you think there are no duties as a maid of honor.  Do you really pick a bridal party just to stand next to you and look pretty on the day of?  I would have no line if that were the case.
The whole tradition and role of a bridal party is to support and help you prepare for the mega life transition.
I have been involved with other friend's weddings before and would NEVER just show up on the day of and do nothing ahead of time to help.  That's not what best friends are for.  No one should drop everything, but if they can't even be bothered to communicate with you, then that's a problem.

I feel really bad for anyone who doesn't even have close enough friends to help them out on their wedding.

And vsgal, you make some strange assuptioms, like that I have dreamed of a wedding since age three (not true) or that I have damaged any relationships (I'm coming here to vent, not actually picking fights in real life.)  Also, input or advice given in the tone you use is really counter productive.  I will take your advice and try to relax, but it's really hard to see any of the value in your response when it's so bitchy.  Why post just to hate on someone's guts?  My FMIL never had to throw me a shower in the first place (I certainly didn't expect her to) but there is something about having your FI's mother show a complete lack of acceptance for your entire lifestyle and to consider you an embarassment.  If that wouldn't hurt your feelings you're either the buddha (obviously not the case by your use of language and tone) or you're just a detached, cold hardass.

aerinpegadrak

Well, usually attendants will WANT to do more, because they're your friends.  But they are by no means REQUIRED to.  If it's something that's expected of them, then they're just crossing a chore off a list instead of doing something to make their friend happy.  Personally, I didn't really ask anything of my girls other than to show up.  A couple offered to do more and were quite helpful, the others were OOT leading busy lives, and pretty much did just show up.  I was thrilled to have all of them at my side.  Being a friend =/= dropping everything you're doing to dote on someone else for weeks and months on end.  The wedding is one day.

The whole "tradition" of a bridal party started as a way to confuse evil spirits who would try to carry off the bride on her wedding day.  To do that, all they had to do?  Show up in the right dress. 

You need support for sad times.  When you lose your job, when you get cancer, when you and FI have a major fight, when your dog dies.  That sort of thing.  Planning a wedding is a happy time.  If you need moral support to plan a party, you're doing it wrong.

sarah42nd

It sounds like your FMIL is LDS. Now if I am correct then she is taking it to an extreme and it has nothing to do with her religion. 

CaseyandSalley

Thats what I thought too that your WP is supposed to be your closest freinds to "help" you with your wedding day. 
I was a BM last year and I was there from the Bridal shower to the end of the wedding night I loved being there for my best freind. She was pretty much stress free. The other BMS decided to leave early like an hour or so after reception started. It really hurt my best freinds feelings.
My wedding, I wont have as many expectations however if it was "offered" ill gladly take the help

bablingbrooke

Hooch is crazy.

tidetravel

OK - I agree that your FMIL is a nutjob.  From here on out, I would have as little wedding-related contact with her as possible.  Don't talk about your plans, and she can't give her opinion.  As far as the ivory dress - no one is going to mistake her for the bride, trust me.  And, if anyone has anything to say about the fact that she's wearing a shade of white, it will be your guests talking badly about HER behind her back. 

As far as your MOH - cut her some slack.  She's obviously going through a lot in her life right now, regardless of whether or not you think it is a lot.  You will save yourself a lot of stress if you lower your expectations.  She's not required to help you cut ribbons, or host/attend any pre-wedding parties.  If your WP are excited and offer to help, great.  It doesn't mean that they are a bad person if they don't.

 The position of MOH is an honor that you bestow upon your nearest and dearest, not a paid job description.  Be happy that she will be there to celebrate your wedding day with you - that's the important thing.  If you need help with anything wedding related, you should be turning to your FI, not your WP. 

I saw a program many, many years ago about a girl (early teens) who had been horribly disfigured in an accident.  I don't remember if it was a house fire or an attack, or what it was, because I was so moved by her humbleness.  The host of the talk show asked her how she got through each day, without succumbing to depression.  She replied, "I allow myself 5 minutes to feel sorry for myself, everyday.  I have a good cry, and I get over it, because it's not worth wasting the second chance at life that I was given, wallowing in misery."  Every time I think I want to feel sorry for myself, I remember this young girl's courage.  I take 5 minutes for myself, and then I move on.  You should too.

trix1223

Yup.  Your FMIL has overstepped her bounds.  But so did you.  You don't INSTRUCT your FMIL about the color dress she wears.  She's not in your WP.  She's a grown woman who has been dressing herself for years.  You were out of line.  Had you been my FDIL, I'd have been tempted to purchase tie-dye, or at least hot pink sequins and feathers.  Let the dress go.  You were wrong on that, not her.

As for opinion on your venue, just tell her, as Brooke said, that you have the decorations covered.  Then let the venue know that you and only you will be in charge of decorations.  If anyone tries to come in and decorate, they are to tell them that they cannot allow anyone else.

Now....for your WP foolishness.  And yes, darlin' it's foolishness.  You've been led astray by the wedding industry which will do whatever it can to convince you that certain things must happen for a successful wedding.  And they're wrong. 

So here you go:  here's the answer I always give to WP questions:

 

I'm going to ask you to scroll down this board and read all the posts that ask the EXACT same question.  And no, your situation is not any different than any of the others.

Put down the wedding magazines.  Turn off the wedding tv shows.  Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites.  Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble.  Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

Here's the reality:  the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony.  That's it.  Lock, stock, and barrel.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures.  Done and done.

Here's what they DON'T have to do:  help plan and/or execute your wedding.  That includes:  They DON'T have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake.  They DON'T have to go bridal gown shopping .  They DON'T have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs. 

They DON'T have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags.  They DON'T have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around.  They DON'T have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

The DON'T have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons.  They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI). 

Your friend has done NOTHING to warrant being kicked out of the WP and to do so would make you a gold-medalist in the 'zilla Olympics.

Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about.  You'll be happier.  So will your friends.

My last piece of advice:  Print out the following words:  "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL."  Because it's true.  it will also keep you on a smooth path.

GL

redheadfsu

I ditto calm the heck down. You are making this into way to much drama.

1. There are no duties. Guess what, friendship means both of you need to help each other. It is a two way street.  Her life does not stop, so try to be there for HER. Then, maybe she will want to be more involved in your wedding b/c you decided to act more like a friend than a bride.

2. Have your FI deal with FMIL and don't tell her details about the wedding. Don't let her get under your skin. Deep breath & then she might calm down too.

jenn.daniel

1) Homework trumps invitations.  I know 9 credits doesn't sound like a lot, but depending on what the classes are, it could be a huge load.

2) I don't see why you need to have a meeting with her more then 3 weeks before your wedding.  Or 3 days, for that matter.

3) If che can't afford to buy new shoes, offer some of yours to borrow.  Do the alterations yourself.  School costs money, and most students I know don't have extra around to pay for things like that.

4) You don't get to say what your FMIL wears.  Sorry.

5) If you don't like her decor taste, thank her for her suggecstions and tell her you've already gotten it covered.

6) I don't understand why you send Christmas cards if you're not religious.

7) Your FMIL doesn't have to throw you a shower.  She sounds way over the top, but there's no way to change that.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:4a3c153d-a385-4e8b-ba74-b3a87677de85">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am surprised that you think there are no duties as a maid of honor.  <strong>Do you really pick a bridal party just to stand next to you and look pretty on the day of?  I would have no line if that were the case. </strong>The whole tradition and role of a bridal party is to support and help you prepare for the <strong>mega life transition.</strong> I have been involved with other friend's weddings before and would NEVER just show up on the day of and do nothing ahead of time to help.  That's not what best friends are for.  No one should drop everything, but if they can't even be bothered to communicate with you, then that's a problem. I feel really bad for anyone who doesn't even have close enough friends to help them out on their wedding. And vsgal, you make some strange assuptioms, like that I have dreamed of a wedding since age three (not true) or that I have damaged any relationships (I'm coming here to vent, not actually picking fights in real life.)  Also, input or advice given in the tone you use is really counter productive.  I will take your advice and try to relax, but it's really hard to see any of the value in your response when it's so bitchy.  Why post just to hate on someone's guts?  My FMIL never had to throw me a shower in the first place (I certainly didn't expect her to) but there is something about having your FI's mother show a complete lack of acceptance for your entire lifestyle and to consider you an embarassment.  If that wouldn't hurt your feelings you're either the buddha (obviously not the case by your use of language and tone) or you're just a detached, cold hardass.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]

<div>You pick your wedding party because they are supposed to be your nearest and dearest not your workhorses.  </div><div>
</div><div>What "mega life transition" is supposed to happen?  Is the world suddenly going to change once you say I do?  You're whole life is going to be completely different?  Nothing really changed in my relationship with my husband when we got married except for my last name (and taxes).  </div>

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:4a3c153d-a385-4e8b-ba74-b3a87677de85">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am surprised that you think there are no duties as a maid of honor.  Do you really pick a bridal party just to stand next to you and look pretty on the day of?  I would have no line if that were the case.<strong> The whole tradition and role of a bridal party is to support and help you prepare for the mega life transition</strong>. I have been involved with other friend's weddings before and would NEVER just show up on the day of and do nothing ahead of time to help.  That's not what best friends are for.  No one should drop everything, but if they can't even be bothered to communicate with you, then that's a problem. I feel really bad for anyone who doesn't even have close enough friends to help them out on their wedding. And vsgal, you make some strange assuptioms, like that I have dreamed of a wedding since age three (not true) or that I have damaged any relationships (I'm coming here to vent, not actually picking fights in real life.)  Also, input or advice given in the tone you use is really counter productive.  I will take your advice and try to relax, but it's really hard to see any of the value in your response when it's so bitchy.  Why post just to hate on someone's guts?  My FMIL never had to throw me a shower in the first place (I certainly didn't expect her to) but there is something about having your FI's mother show a complete lack of acceptance for your entire lifestyle and to consider you an embarassment.  If that wouldn't hurt your feelings you're either the buddha (obviously not the case by your use of language and tone) or you're just a detached, cold hardass.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]

Preparing for a life transition =/= planning a party.
 
A wedding does not a sucessful marraige make. The life transition is to married life, the wedding is a party celebrating that transition, and is not nearly as stressful or important as what comes after it.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:8fcda41c-e460-4211-8444-d83adaa9c059">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps you FMIL is a bit touchy about this, but if you want her to respect YOUR religious choice (which is to be aethiest) then you have to respect her religion, too. You sound very judgmental about her tradition, and it must be upsetting for her to know that her son and FDIL do not share her faith.  You do not get to choose her dress.  Period.  About the return address labels - I'm suprised she didn't object to them on etiquette priciples.  Return addresses should be printed/engraved on the invitations.  <strong>Those stick on labels are not correct for a wedding invitation.
</strong>Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Actually, Emily Post doesn't care. I looked it up. I printed clear labels and they were gorgeous.

Lisa8888

Your FMIL is a nut. Nothing will change that. Try to stay away from her. Just tell her that she can not decorate or do anything else.

That was really nice of you to pay for the BMs dresses. Your MOH is a jerk. Yes BMs do have certain responsibilities beyond showing up on the wedding day and smiling for the camera. She is responsible for purchasing her shoes and paying for alterations. Since she doesn't have the time or money and is grumpy, dump her.

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:8e19a662-b5ff-40d4-8b9d-26c2366b687c">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like your FMIL is LDS. Now if I am correct then she is taking it to an extreme and it has nothing to do with her religion. 
Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]


Yes, sarah42nd, she is.  I didn't want to mention a specific religion because from what others have told me she is not the best example of their beliefs, and I don't want to cast bad light on a whole group of people just for her one example.  If you know anything else about this religion and how to deal with some pretty eccentric members, I would appreciate it!

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:e55731b0-b82f-4743-82a7-7388150d94cf">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thats what I thought too that your WP is supposed to be your closest freinds to "help" you with your wedding day.  I was a BM last year and I was there from the Bridal shower to the end of the wedding night I loved being there for my best freind. She was pretty much stress free. The other BMS decided to leave early like an hour or so after reception started. It really hurt my best freinds feelings. My wedding, I wont have as many expectations however if it was "offered" ill gladly take the help
Posted by CaseyandSalley[/QUOTE]


Yeah, I can see why that hurt your friend's feelings!  I think a lot of people on this message board get <em>really</em> caught up in specific "duties" or obligations.  I'm not so much concerned with that.  I don't think it's about a check list, but I *DO* think it's about support and love and friendship.  Just showing up on the day of in a pretty dress and having a few free drinks and then leaving isn't really what being a friend is about, in my opinion.  It sounds like you were a really fantastic BM, thought!

That's another point I should just emphasize to everyone responding:  I'm not upset because my friend isn't doing any specific tasks, I'm upset because I feel like she's disconnected.  It was a REALLY long post, so I'm not surprised that some of you who are responding obviously missed the real gist of the post.  If my friend had told me she couldn't do invites because she had homework that would have been fine.  It was promising to come, then telling em after she was supposed to be there that she couldn't, then coming anyway but having a bad attitude that upset me.  Maybe you guys missed the sentence where she actually was insulting other bridemaids. . . .

I in no way expect BMs to do a whole list of chores or run my errands;  I do however, hope that they will still be my circle of support and comfort.  It's the emotional work, not the physical that is important

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:f28a42b7-9ffe-416e-a247-ba7601a59f61">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]OK - I agree that your FMIL is a nutjob.  From here on out, I would have as little wedding-related contact with her as possible.  Don't talk about your plans, and she can't give her opinion.  As far as the ivory dress - no one is going to mistake her for the bride, trust me.  And, if anyone has anything to say about the fact that she's wearing a shade of white, it will be your guests talking badly about HER behind her back.  As far as your MOH - cut her some slack.  She's obviously going through a lot in her life right now, regardless of whether or not you think it is a lot.  You will save yourself a lot of stress if you lower your expectations.  She's not required to help you cut ribbons, or host/attend any pre-wedding parties.  If your WP are excited and offer to help, great.  It doesn't mean that they are a bad person if they don't.  The position of MOH is an honor that you bestow upon your nearest and dearest, not a paid job description.  Be happy that she will be there to celebrate your wedding day with you - that's the important thing.  If you need help with anything wedding related, you should be turning to your FI, not your WP.  I saw a program many, many years ago about a girl (early teens) who had been horribly disfigured in an accident.  I don't remember if it was a house fire or an attack, or what it was, because I was so moved by her humbleness.  The host of the talk show asked her how she got through each day, without succumbing to depression.  She replied, "I allow myself 5 minutes to feel sorry for myself, everyday.  I have a good cry, and I get over it, because it's not worth wasting the second chance at life that I was given, wallowing in misery."  Every time I think I want to feel sorry for myself, I remember this young girl's courage.  I take 5 minutes for myself, and then I move on.  You should too.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]


This is actually really good advice, thank you!  (It's nice when people are helpful and can give you advice that helps pull you out of a stressful frenzy, not just condemn you for being stressed.) 

I actually just called my MOH to talk to her.  She *is* busy, but it's more about her just feeling like she's loosing me to the "married people" world.  I don't really care if she's there for the little events, but she always says she wants to be there for them, because she wants to feel involved and important, and then she gets stressed about them and bails.  It's the back and forth that was driving me crazy and hurting my feelings, but I think I just need to recognize that for her, it could be hard to see her best friend get married and have a new and different life.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:4a3c153d-a385-4e8b-ba74-b3a87677de85">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am surprised that you think there are no duties as a maid of honor.  Do you really pick a bridal party just to stand next to you and look pretty on the day of?  I would have no line if that were the case. The whole tradition and role of a bridal party is to support and help you prepare for the mega life transition. I have been involved with other friend's weddings before and would NEVER just show up on the day of and do nothing ahead of time to help.  That's not what best friends are for.  No one should drop everything, but if they can't even be bothered to communicate with you, then that's a problem. I feel really bad for anyone who doesn't even have close enough friends to help them out on their wedding. And vsgal, you make some strange assuptioms, like that I have dreamed of a wedding since age three (not true) or that I have damaged any relationships (I'm coming here to vent, not actually picking fights in real life.)  Also, input or advice given in the tone you use is really counter productive.  I will take your advice and try to relax, but it's really hard to see any of the value in your response when it's so bitchy.  Why post just to hate on someone's guts?  My FMIL never had to throw me a shower in the first place (I certainly didn't expect her to) but there is something about having your FI's mother show a complete lack of acceptance for your entire lifestyle and to consider you an embarassment.  If that wouldn't hurt your feelings you're either the buddha (obviously not the case by your use of language and tone) or you're just a detached, cold hardass.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Reality check post. *be prepared OP, I'm giving the attitude you are giving everyone trying to give advice, I hope you enjoy it.*
<div>
</div><div>Hmmm, know wonder why your friend isn't calling you back, you basically want her to be your freaking slave for your wedding. It's not her wedding, so its not her responsibility to help you. Sometimes people have busy lives with school. I was a Physics and Education major, I can tell you right now that every class I took was time consuming because I was serious with getting good grades. So guess what her life does not have revolve around your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Last time I checked, the MOH title was given out of respect of the person's relationship, not to be the Bride's slave. If you think otherwise, keep doing what you doing, you will probably lose a friend and that friend will have every right to state your nasty Bridezilla attitude to others. </div><div>
</div><div>As for your FMIL, I think you are both made for each other. You are both are stubborn and mean to others. I hope you can get wake up call for how misguided your views and attitude towards others is.</div>
</div>

BRoss85

I think you need to take a step back from the situation and look at it from a different angle. Your MOH (or anyone in the WP, for that matter) don't HAVE to help you do anything. Its YOUR day, not theirs. Is their help appreciated? it should be (although the way your talking makes it seems like it isn't) The only ones that HAVE to do anything for the wedding are you and your FI. 

As for the situation with your FMIL, I'm pretty sure she's a grown woman who can dress herself, and pick out her own colors. From what I've heard, its only tacky if a single, unattached woman wears white( or same color as the bride).  If you want you FMIL to respect your lack of religion, you need to respect hers. Does that mean that you have to make another registry? No. 

Keep in mind, that you can't control everything.  Take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy this time. After all, its not the wedding day that makes the marriage, its the people involved. 

Try talking to your MOH about something (anything! ) non wedding related. She will appreciate the fact that you took the time to ask her about her life. Maybe offer to help her study one night? Or do something for the 2 of you. Just keep the wedding business out of it. 

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:42d6194d-8cd4-4a9b-9dc6-bd01d96c34f0">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yup.  Your FMIL has overstepped her bounds.  But so did you.  You don't INSTRUCT your FMIL about the color dress she wears.  She's not in your WP.  She's a grown woman who has been dressing herself for years.  You were out of line.  Had you been my FDIL, I'd have been tempted to purchase tie-dye, or at least hot pink sequins and feathers.  Let the dress go.  You were wrong on that, not her. As for opinion on your venue, just tell her, as Brooke said, that you have the decorations covered.  Then let the venue know that you and only you will be in charge of decorations.  If anyone tries to come in and decorate, they are to tell them that they cannot allow anyone else. Now....for your WP foolishness.  And yes, darlin' it's foolishness.  You've been led astray by the wedding industry which will do whatever it can to convince you that certain things must happen for a successful wedding.  And they're wrong.  So here you go:  here's the answer I always give to WP questions:   I'm going to ask you to scroll down this board and read all the posts that ask the EXACT same question.  And no, your situation is not any different than any of the others. Put down the wedding magazines.  Turn off the wedding tv shows.  Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites.  Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble.  Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell. Here's the reality:  the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony.  That's it.  Lock, stock, and barrel.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures.  Done and done. Here's what they DON'T have to do:  help plan and/or execute your wedding.  That includes:  They DON'T have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake.  They DON'T have to go bridal gown shopping .  They DON'T have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs.  They DON'T have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags.  They DON'T have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around.  They DON'T have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties. The DON'T have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons.  They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI).  Your friend has done NOTHING to warrant being kicked out of the WP and to do so would make you a gold-medalist in the 'zilla Olympics. Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about.  You'll be happier.  So will your friends. My last piece of advice:  Print out the following words:  "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL."  Because it's true.  it will also keep you on a smooth path. GL
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]


You're right that the bride doesn't get to choose the MOG's dress . . .  If she's not in the wedding party.  In our case, our original thought was to have everyone wear whatever they want.  But his mother wanted to be part of the wedding party.  She wants to be part of the procession and be escorted in.  She wants to have a role in the ceremony.  At that point, I told her everyone else in the wedding party was wearing grey.  If she didn't like grey, I gave her blue and green swatches that would also match.  She then bought a dress in the same color as the bride.  That is a BIG faux paus in any book.  It's actually a little insulting to the bride, and suggests that she wants to be the center of attention.

But, as a previous poster stated, she will look dumb, not me.  Also, I never instructed her to buy a new dress, but was just frustrated that she would make the choice she did.  So, maybe you should read closer before attacking someone.

I now want to address a theme I keep seeing in different people's responses, and that is the idea that the WP just stands there and looks pretty for the whole day.  That any frustrations I could have with WP are merely about getting ribbons tied on the right way.  Your pedantic list of "DONTs" (And, yes, it was pedantic)  are not really the issue here.  I know it was a long original post, but if you don't take the time to read it, don't respond to adamently.

In my conversation with MOH I told her the most important thing to me was that we stay in touch.  If you notice, the first thing I alluded to was being sad that after years of being super close she has just fallen off the map.

I have actually asked very little of her.  Here's what I've asked of her for far:

All the bridesmaids came to dinner (which I made for them) so that they could meet each other to make things like the Bachelorette party less awkward.

All the bridesmaids came to the dress shop so they could choose a dress they liked (which I then paid for)

All the bridesmaids have been expected to respond to emails regarding rehearsal and hair appointments (FI and I are paying for all the girls to have hair professionally done that morning.)

Until the invitation stuffing party, that is all they have been asked to do.  Not so bad, even by all the nasty poster's standards. And the invitation stuffing was OPTIONAL.  Two girls didn't show up because they told me ahead of time they couldn't or didn't want to.  I was fine with that. The issue I have and continue to have is that after <em>offering</em> to help she showed up with a bad attitude, was rude to another bridesmaid, and flat out told me she didn't have time for me.  For someone whom you used to talk to almost every day, this was a bit shocking and upsetting.

To everyone who thinks this is all about party planning, it's not.  A wedding is not just a big party, and I don't know why people think that is the case.  It's a very happy time, but it's also a big adjustment.  Merging two families, two households, two lives is a big step and it constitutes a real change of identity.  I think it's important to have support in that process.  There are a lot of little stressors to deal with, and those stressors help determine how you and your FI will live your life together.
I do expect my BMs to be a part of my emotional support center.  It's been sometimes painful (in that bittersweet way) to move all my last stuff out of my mom's house (she's kept a bedroom for me all these years) and to withdraw from single life.  It's not a bad thing, but it is an emotional reality.
WP should be the people you consider your "forged family," and mine are.  Having one pull away and not communicate or be concerned with how my life is going is hard.
I want to be there for her, but it has to be a two way street.  That's what I've been expressing.

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:1235a72b-cc11-4ad6-84d6-024e7a4c0610">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to take a step back from the situation and look at it from a different angle. Your MOH (or anyone in the WP, for that matter) don't HAVE to help you do anything. Its YOUR day, not theirs. Is their help appreciated? it should be (although the way your talking makes it seems like it isn't) The only ones that HAVE to do anything for the wedding are you and your FI.  As for the situation with your FMIL, I'm pretty sure she's a grown woman who can dress herself, and pick out her own colors. <strong>From what I've heard, its only tacky if a single, unattached woman wears white( or same color as the bride)</strong>.  If you want you FMIL to respect your lack of religion, you need to respect hers. Does that mean that you have to make another registry? No.  Keep in mind, that you can't control everything.  Take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy this time. After all, its not the wedding day that makes the marriage, its the people involved.  <strong>Try talking to your MOH about something (anything! ) non wedding related</strong>. She will appreciate the fact that you took the time to ask her about her life. Maybe offer to help her study one night? Or do something for the 2 of you. Just keep the wedding business out of it. 
Posted by BRoss85[/QUOTE]

#1: She is a single, unattached woman.

#2:  The last three times I talked to her she talks for hours about her life and her relationship, but if I even want to talk for five minutes about a fight with my mom, she gets busy and hangs up.  You make some interesting assumptions.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:76a56ec8-5093-4c47-9bba-9692fe325581">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disaster! Help! : This is actually really good advice, thank you!  (It's nice when people are helpful and can give you advice that helps pull you out of a stressful frenzy, not just condemn you for being stressed.)  I actually just called my MOH to talk to her.  She *is* busy, but it's more about her just feeling like she's loosing me to the "married people" world.  I don't really care if she's there for the little events, but she always says she wants to be there for them, because she wants to feel involved and important, and then she gets stressed about them and bails.  It's the back and forth that was driving me crazy and hurting my feelings, but I think I just need to recognize that for her, it could be hard to see her best friend get married and have a new and different life.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]
That's good that you talked to her.  99% of the time, brides come here to vent/rant about wedding party issues and what they actually have are friendship issues.  When you're stressed in the future, just try to take a step back and look at the big picture.  Take time to remember what is important (your marriage) and what isn't (pretty much all other fluff involved in a wedding.)  And, most importantly, remember that the people that are involved in this wedding are your friends/family first, WP members second.   

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:ba6f8d57-6978-42cf-a27f-179502f7a4aa">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Disaster! Help! : Reality check post. *be prepared OP, I'm giving the attitude you are giving everyone trying to give advice, I hope you enjoy it.* Hmmm, know wonder why your friend isn't calling you back, you basically want her to be your freaking slave for your wedding. It's not her wedding, so its not her responsibility to help you. Sometimes people have busy lives with school. I was a Physics and Education major, I can tell you right now that every class I took was time consuming because I was serious with getting good grades. So guess what her life does not have revolve around your wedding.  Last time I checked, the MOH title was given out of respect of the person's relationship, not to be the Bride's slave. If you think otherwise, keep doing what you doing, you will probably lose a friend and that friend will have every right to state your nasty Bridezilla attitude to others.  As for your FMIL, I think you are both made for each other. You are both are stubborn and mean to others. I hope you can get wake up call for how misguided your views and attitude towards others is.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

hehe . . . thank you for the attitude warning, that's a cute way to prepare someone for your little rant.

I am actually curious to know, what about the original post give you the "slave impression"
I think a lot of people just jump to that conclusion but I don't know why.  Maybe my tone was too stressed when I wrote it.  (I was, afterall, feeling hurt.)  But you should read my post that explains how <em>little</em> I have asked of any of the girls.

Why do some people make such rash assumptions without getting more information? You are pretty critical without really taking in the full context of any of this issue.

As another point of interest, this same MOH gets very offended if any bridesmaids do anything to help and she wasn't invited.  I feel like she wants it both ways.

briawna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:7719c5c6-6a27-4a4a-9aa1-0c817277b901">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disaster! Help! : That's good that you talked to her.  99% of the time, brides come here to vent/rant about wedding party issues and <strong>what they actually have are friendship issues</strong>.  When you're stressed in the future, just try to take a step back and look at the big picture.  Take time to remember what is important (your marriage) and what isn't (pretty much all other fluff involved in a wedding.)  And, most importantly, remember that the people that are involved in this wedding are your friends/family first, WP members second.   
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]


Again, very beautiful advice!  Thank you.  I think you are right, too.  Frienship and hurt feelings get projected into the little physical details of the wedding because that's what is easy to see.

You are very wise!  I bet you have a beautiful marriage!  Thank you.

:)

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a504e4d-0cad-4382-92b6-7a566d46e5faPost:74d31a1f-b0bd-4dab-b35a-669237d70fc3">Re: Disaster! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disaster! Help! :   <strong>A wedding is not just a big party, and I don't know why people think that is the case.  It's a very happy time, but it's also a big adjustment.  Merging two families, two households, two lives is a big step and it constitutes a real change of identity.  I think it's important to have support in that process.  There are a lot of little stressors to deal with, and those stressors help determine how you and your FI will live your life together. I do expect my BMs to be a part of my emotional support center.  It's been sometimes painful (in that bittersweet way) to move all my last stuff out of my mom's house (she's kept a bedroom for me all these years) and to withdraw from single life.  It's not a bad thing, but it is an emotional reality</strong>. WP should be the people you consider your "forged family," and mine are.  Having one pull away and not communicate or be concerned with how my life is going is hard. I want to be there for her, but it has to be a two way street.  That's what I've been expressing.
Posted by briawna[/QUOTE]
I would also like to point this out:  a wedding IS just a big party.  I know that it's an emotional time, but many brides (I'm not saying you, specifically) allow themselves to go crazy because of it, and end up alienating a lot of their friends.  What happens is that years down the road, when these brides actually NEED support for a real life crisis (they go through a divorce, find out they have cancer, their parents die), the people who would have been there for them aren't.  The friendship was ruined by a BSC bride who kicked a friend out of a wedding party because she wouldn't help the bride tie bows on $2 favors.

kpwedkk

To the original poster - briawna -

Have you been in a wedding party and you had expectations to live up to?  Did you do something to help out the bride, beyond her wildest expectations or were you given a list of things to do?

Put yourself in the shoes of your MOH. Taking 9 credits of school over the summer is a big deal.  I'm not trying to say that your wedding is small by any means, but realize what a wedding is for - it's to unite yourself with your groom, as your family and friends witness.

Have a schedule, have a budget, lay out all of your tasks.  If you are overwhelmed with tasks, consider a day of coordinator to help you out, or family and friends, if they choose to help you. 

Dumping your expectations and checklists onto your wedding party, is pretty unreasonable, knowing fully well that they have their own lives to live outside of your wedding.  It is their choice and theirs alone what they want to do and how they want to contribute to your wedding. (notice: they don't need to help out with your wedding)

Please see it from their perspectives.  As for your MOH wanting it both ways, can you make an open invitation to all your BMs and MOH, and they can choose to do something together, or not?  Maybe your MOH feels like you called all of your BMs together without even telling her?

**Disclaimer, I may have assumed, I only get so much information from text, I don't see the emotions, or feeling behind the words, except my own**

gottahavashorti

Cleanup on aisle five.


The only complaint that holds validity are the registry issues.

If you already live together, it probably won't be a huge mega life transition.