Moms and Maids

Wedding Party Drama -long

FI and I just got engaged last week! We are very excited and we just announced our engagement, officially, to our families. Everyone is happy and looking forward to our wedding. We've set our date for June 8th of next year.

Today my FI tells me that his Mother asked him how many attendants we were going to have. He told her we were planning on one each (MOH and Best Man). Then he tells me that, in a separate conversation, his Father told him that his Mother told his Sister about our attendants and that now his Sister's and her husband's feelings are hurt that we are not including them in the wedding party. 

WTF???

I don't understand what is happening. I adore his Sister, she and I get along great. She has never once mentioned any desire or inclination to be a Bridsmaid at all. And she's been in on our secret engagement (a couple months prior to us officially announcing it) too. Maybe I don't understand because I'm an only child... but I didn't think that siblings were required for all bridal party situations. I was going to ask her later (IT'S LITERALLY BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED!) to have her children (son and daughter) to be our Flower Girl and Ring Bearer... why isn't that enough? 

We're having a small wedding and they will not be overlooked in my eyes... Am planning to order them both flowers to wear and they will of course be in all the family pictures with us. What am I missing? I just don't get it. 

FI says she wants to be more than a spectator. That she wants to be part of the ceremony. At first I didn't believe this about her because she's never behaved in such a presumptuious way. This feels set up... like their Mother is orchestrating this. I mean, it's only been 4 days... why are we worried about the number of attendants already?? 

I haven't had a chance to talk her myself, and am eager to! She didn't answer the phone when I called, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions until I talk to her. I just want to know why she would feel this way. 

Am I really that stupid that I don't see this? Am I expected to have her as my Bridesmaid simply because she's my FI's Sister? Is it that aweful that, even though I do adore her too, I just want to have my best friend (whom I've known since birth) be my only attendant? 

I feel terrible. And confused.

FI says not to worry about it and everything will be fine. But I can't! I'm worried already! I don't want to hurt her feelings or anyones. But I also don't want to change this part of my wedding either. Am I wrong?

Anniversary

Re: Wedding Party Drama -long

  • My brothers aren't in my wedding and that is totally fine with them.  For some strange reason weddings bring out the worst in females who feel it is their right to be in them.  Unless she brings up the wedding stuff, I wouldn't bring it up at all.  Wait until 6-9 months out and then ask about the kids--I waited four months before asking my bridal party--when my mom and others asked, I said that I hadn't made any decisions yet--you need to go with your gut and hope that the adults, will be adults. 
  • m tullim tulli member
    First Comment
    I think some families it is expected.  I am only have a MH in my wedding and my SIL, brother and my sister are not in my wedding and no one said anything if they were bothered by it.
    85image 71image 14image
  • Stand your ground. If you only want your best friend then that is whay you should have. I would let your FI handle his family. I would not approach his sister about this. Let her say something to you if she chooses to. Or if  she acts really standoffish or rude you can then say "is something bothering you?" But approaching her with second hand knowledge is how family dramas get started. Its all "he said, she said' and things get misconstrued or someone lies to cover thier butts and it rarely ends well. you really should not ask  your attendents for awhile yet so you have time to let things blow over. Like PP said, he can have her stand on his side if he wants.
  • SOME families definitely expect it, but that doesn't mean you have to have her stand up with you!  I'm also having a small wedding (but we have 2 attendants each because FI couldn't decide between his two friends).

    If you have a good relationship with the sister, do call her and make sure she's not offended.  Let her know you just want to keep the bridal party small to be in proportion with the size and feel of the wedding as a whole.

    No one should ever just assume they'll be standing up in your bridal party, and you're right, it's been 4 days - I'm amazed you already have a date!  Everyone better calm down, there's a long road ahead until June 8, 2013!
  • SB1512SB1512 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    It's only been 4 days and your wedding is a year away.  Tell FMIL and FSIL no decisions about bridal party have been made yet.  Also, if you have not yet asked your best friend to be your MOH hold off a few months.  There are many threads on here about people picking their bridal party a year or more out and then a falling out occurs, even among the best of friends, and they want to kick someone out (which is incredibly rude!).  Just keep repeating no decisions have been made and will not be made for some time.
  • Thank you ladies, I really appreciate your input. 

    I am still waiting to speak with her about this, although we did text a few times last night. She made sure to let me know that she missed my call because she was out with her husband and asked to call me back today. Then she said she realized that there was wedding drama already and not to worry about them. She said they understand completely that it's MY day and if anyone understands it a former bride and groom... She says she loves me and that she would be just fine. 

    I really hope that she is okay because I honestly didn't see this coming at all. Niether did my FI and he did say that he would handle his family if this or other things persist. I trust him and know he will step in to deal with his family. I made sure to talk to him about all of this last night and tell him that its not about her... I love her, but I just didn't picture anyone else in the bridal party aside from my best friend and that's just how I want it. He's completely fine with it but when I suggested that he ask her to stand with him he said no. He wants only his best man and doesn't want the sides to be uneven (even though I said I didn't care about uneven sides). He still says he knows his Sister well enough to be sure that she's fine and this will all blow over. He said she's just disappointed because she was looking forward to doing more at the wedding.

    I still feel pretty crappy about all this... Am thinking maybe we could incorporate a reading during the ceremony for her to give... Because my suggestion to have the kids didn't seem to have the pleasant effect of relief that I was hoping for. I just don't want her to feel left out and I'm willing to admit that my misunderstanding of this whole thing is beside the point. If it comes down to having her stand with me vs. her feelings being hurt (something that I worry will end up haunting me in the future) I think I would rather include her the way she wants and just be flattered that I now have two people who care enough to stand there with me. 

    I don't know. I am prepared to stand my ground but I also know when to pick battles... I just never thought this would be a potential battle at all. I told my FI that I just want to make sure that this isn't the start of me getting steamrolled over my own wedding plans. He assures me that he won't let that happen because he does see the potential that his Mother was behind all this... so we made a pact last night NOT to divulge any other planning details (e.g. colors, food, music, ceremony elements, etc.) until futher notice. I just want a chance to enjoy this engagement and also the planning process to a certain extent before we share all our plans. I know there will be opinions and suggestions from others... but I don't want to hear them all right now. That's okay, right???

    Ugh, I just want to smooth things over with his Sister first... I hope it goes well.

    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-party-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e17ba8d1-7dc8-4cf2-a768-cbda2e9885ccPost:34247d8c-0aef-40bc-b583-fb1794bd01f7">Wedding Party Drama -long</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI and <strong>I just got engaged last week!</strong> We are very excited and we just announced our engagement, officially, to our families. Everyone is happy and looking forward to our wedding. We've set our date for June 8th of next year. Today my FI tells me that his Mother asked him how many attendants we were going to have. He told her we were planning on one each (MOH and Best Man). Then he tells me that, in a separate conversation, his Father told him that his Mother told his Sister about our attendants and that now his Sister's and her husband's feelings are hurt that we are not including them in the wedding party.  WTF??? I don't understand what is happening. I adore his Sister, she and I get along great. She has never once mentioned any desire or inclination to be a Bridsmaid at all. And <strong>she's been in on our secret engagement (a couple months prior to us officially announcing it)</strong> too. Maybe I don't understand because I'm an only child... but I didn't think that siblings were required for all bridal party situations. I was going to ask her later <strong>(IT'S LITERALLY BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED!)</strong> to have her children (son and daughter) to be our Flower Girl and Ring Bearer... why isn't that enough?  We're having a small wedding and they will not be overlooked in my eyes... Am planning to order them both flowers to wear and they will of course be in all the family pictures with us. What am I missing? I just don't get it.  FI says she wants to be more than a spectator. That she wants to be part of the ceremony. At first I didn't believe this about her because she's never behaved in such a presumptuious way. This feels set up... like their Mother is orchestrating this. I mean, <strong>it's only been 4 days... why are we worried about the number of attendants already??</strong>  I haven't had a chance to talk her myself, and am eager to! She didn't answer the phone when I called, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions until I talk to her. I just want to know why she would feel this way.  Am I really that stupid that I don't see this? Am I expected to have her as my Bridesmaid simply because she's my FI's Sister? Is it that aweful that, even though I do adore her too, I just want to have my best friend (whom I've known since birth) be my only attendant?  I feel terrible. And confused. FI says not to worry about it and everything will be fine. But I can't! I'm worried already! I don't want to hurt her feelings or anyones. But I also don't want to change this part of my wedding either. Am I wrong?
    Posted by brita722[/QUOTE]

    You are a little contradicting in the parts I bolded.  Did you just get engaged 4 days ago?  Or have you been engaged for months and just announced it 4 days ago?  Not that it necessarily matters as far as you having her in your WP, but it probably explains why she's been thinking about it for a while, not just for 4 days.

    To answer your question, no, it's not required for you to have <em>anyone</em> in your WP, your family, FI's family or otherwise.  However, if you two are close, I can see how she might have assumed that she might be, especially if she didn't know you only wanted one attendant.  Just call her up and explain that you'd planned on only having one attendant, but that doesn't mean you don't value the relationship you have with her.  You can ask her if there is anything specific she'd like to help with either in planning, or at the wedding itself.  Perhaps she could do a reading?  Again, just reiterate that it's by no means a slight to her and you are sorry if it hurts her feelings, but you want to keep it small.
    Anniversary
  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-party-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e17ba8d1-7dc8-4cf2-a768-cbda2e9885ccPost:34247d8c-0aef-40bc-b583-fb1794bd01f7">Wedding Party Drama -long</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI and I just got engaged last week! We are very excited and we just announced our engagement, officially, to our families. Everyone is happy and looking forward to our wedding. We've set our date for June 8th of next year. Today my FI tells me that his Mother asked him how many attendants we were going to have. He told her we were planning on one each (MOH and Best Man). Then he tells me that, in a separate conversation, his Father told him that his Mother told his Sister about our attendants and that <strong>now his Sister's and her husband's feelings are hurt that we are not including them in the wedding party.  WTF???</strong> I don't understand what is happening. I adore his Sister, she and I get along great. She has never once mentioned any desire or inclination to be a Bridsmaid at all. And she's been in on our secret engagement (a couple months prior to us officially announcing it) too. Maybe I don't understand because I'm an only child... but I didn't think that siblings were required for all bridal party situations. I was going to ask her later (IT'S LITERALLY BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED!) to have her children (son and daughter) to be our Flower Girl and Ring Bearer... why isn't that enough?  We're having a small wedding and they will not be overlooked in my eyes... Am planning to order them both flowers to wear and they will of course be in all the family pictures with us. What am I missing? I just don't get it.  FI says she wants to be more than a spectator. That she wants to be part of the ceremony. At first I didn't believe this about her because she's never behaved in such a presumptuious way. This feels set up... like their Mother is orchestrating this. I mean, it's only been 4 days... why are we worried about the number of attendants already??  I haven't had a chance to talk her myself, and am eager to! She didn't answer the phone when I called, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions until I talk to her. I just want to know why she would feel this way.  Am I really that stupid that I don't see this? Am I expected to have her as my Bridesmaid simply because she's my FI's Sister? Is it that aweful that, even though I do adore her too, I just want to have my best friend (whom I've known since birth) be my only attendant?  I feel terrible. And confused. FI says not to worry about it and everything will be fine. But I can't! I'm worried already! I don't want to hurt her feelings or anyones. But I also don't want to change this part of my wedding either. Am I wrong?
    Posted by brita722[/QUOTE]

    I stopped reading after the bolded part.  This is exactly why you don't ask anyone until about 6-9 months in advance.

    Let your FI handle this as it's not your place to get involved.

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-party-drama-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e17ba8d1-7dc8-4cf2-a768-cbda2e9885ccPost:14727d72-759e-4a59-a5ae-c7b16327de83">Re: Wedding Party Drama -long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Wedding Party Drama -long : You are a little contradicting in the parts I bolded.  Did you just get engaged 4 days ago?  Or have you been engaged for months and just announced it 4 days ago?  Not that it necessarily matters as far as you having her in your WP, but it probably explains why she's been thinking about it for a while, not just for 4 days. To answer your question, no, it's not required for you to have anyone in your WP, your family, FI's family or otherwise.  However, if you two are close, I can see how she might have assumed that she might be, especially if she didn't know you only wanted one attendant.  Just call her up and explain that you'd planned on only having one attendant, but that doesn't mean you don't value the relationship you have with her.  You can ask her if there is anything specific she'd like to help with either in planning, or at the wedding itself.  Perhaps she could do a reading?  Again, just reiterate that it's by no means a slight to her and you are sorry if it hurts her feelings, but you want to keep it small.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>We decided that we wanted to get married 3 months ago and shared that with her only... We wanted to wait until we had the ring to get officially engaged and announce it to our parents, friends, and extended family members. </div><div>
    </div><div>I never spoke of wedding party attendants or any other particulars for the ceremony or reception. I haven't officially asked anyone yet, even though I know in my mind whom I would like to ask. And I was going to wait until we were about 8 or 9 months away before even discussing the Flower Girl & Ring Bearer with her. </div><div>
    </div><div>This all just bubbled over in the first few days of our official engagement. I think (and so does my FI) that in the excitement his Mother started asking questions (which we've already decided we won't be answering anymore to avoid more of this) and then relaying information in "her way" -and by that I mean, she likes to boast that she knows more or has the inside track on whatever is at the center of a situation because she always needs to have the spot light. I think whatever she said to his Sister was in a tone that may have hurt her feelings and then the disappointment of not being a Bridesmaid (if she was really hoping to be) then felt worse... </div><div>
    </div><div>I am going to talk to her and figure this out. My FI and I have discussed it and we are just going to stay calm and not let everyone else's drama and expectations ruin our wedding. </div><div>
    </div><div>Hope that clears up any initial confusion of my orignal post.</div><div>And thank you for your input.</div>

    Anniversary
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