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Moms and Maids

Please help!!! Did my MOH steal my thunder??? Or am I wrong???

I've been engaged almost a year now and I've had my wedding date set for next summer.  I've been taking my time with all of the planning and am about three fourths of the way through.  I've been going at my own pace and enjoying it.  But recently my MOH (who has been pushing her bf to get engaged for over a year now) finally got engaged. To be honest, she is a wonderful person but she is very dominerring and opinionated.  My MOH is now getting married one month before me. She is pushing to finish all of her planning done asap and has only been engaged for less than two months. She even has small details like cake cutting music picked already.  I feel very frustrated because everytime we speak she tells me how she already has another thing taken care of.  I feel like I am in a rat race now and its totally ruined my whole experience.  From what it seems, its like she had to be the one to do it first.  I've tried to be nice and graceful about it.  I've never let on how I feel because I don't want to look like a witch. I really just want to scream because now I know that this is not only going to be hard for our friends who will be in attendance but also each other.  I am normally not one to have the attention on me.  But for this one day I felt like it should be about my husband and I! Am I crazy?  Please be honest!
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Re: Please help!!! Did my MOH steal my thunder??? Or am I wrong???

  • edited December 2011
    She can only "win" this game if you play along.  Do what YOU want to do your way in your time.  If she brings up something else she has accomplished, smile and sweetly, ooo and ahhhh and say how happy you are for her...and then change the subject.  You don't have to share everything you are doing either.

    YOU are the one giving this situation negative power over you.  So stop!
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ditto pp

    A month before your wedding is not stealing your thunder.  There are a ton of reasons why she is setting her date before yours.  Let her operate at her pace and you stick to yours. 

    You said it yourself when you said "But for this one day I felt like it should be about my husband and I!"  One day, not one month.  Is anything she is doing getting in the way of your wedding day?  As for mutual guests I was at weddings that were 6 days apart and all the mutual guests made i to botht.  It shouldn't be hard on you to make her wedding a whole month before yours and she should be all done with her wedding and honeymoon by the time yours roles around. 
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-did-moh-steal-thunder-am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:feb0ca20-3b8a-4f39-b07c-29abd4822d2cPost:9b35ef47-1a24-48a9-bbf6-fec3cfbdc06e">Please help!!! Did my MOH steal my thunder??? Or am I wrong???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been engaged almost a year now and I've had my wedding date set for next summer.  I've been taking my time with all of the planning and am about three fourths of the way through.  I've been going at my own pace and enjoying it.  But recently my MOH (who has been pushing her bf to get engaged for over a year now) finally got engaged. To be honest, she is a wonderful person but she is very dominerring and opinionated.  My MOH is now getting married one month before me. She is pushing to finish all of her planning done asap and has only been engaged for less than two months. She even has small details like cake cutting music picked already.  I feel very frustrated because everytime we speak she tells me how she already has another thing taken care of.  I feel like I am in a rat race now and its totally ruined my whole experience.  From what it seems, its like she had to be the one to do it first.  I've tried to be nice and graceful about it.  I've never let on how I feel because I don't want to look like a witch. I really just want to scream because now I know that this is not only going to be hard for our friends who will be in attendance but also each other.  I am normally not one to have the attention on me.  But for this one day I felt like it should be about my husband and I! Am I crazy?  Please be honest!
    Posted by bananas133[/QUOTE]
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You're making too big of a deal out of this.  You said it, you only get ONE DAY, not a season, month, or week.  Like Muffin said, she can only win the game if you play along.  
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  • bananas133bananas133 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much for your advice! I did however forget to mention a few other important details.  My MOH has also chosen the same venue and is going to use some of the same ideas for it that I gave her when I chose it before she was engaged.  She also informed me today that she wants a dress that is exactly the same one that I described to her months ago when I explained the dress that I wanted.  Also, she is now using the same florist, limo, and dj as I am as well.  Am I still over reacting???
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Just because she's using the same vendors as you doesn't mean you two will have identical weddings.  My advice is to stop talking about your wedding with her if she's taking your ideas and using them as your own.  Again, she only wins the game if you play along.

    ETA: And don't let this ruin your friendship.  She's being silly. 
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I see you have your area listed as Central PA.  Is that where the weddings are?  I'm from Central PA, there are only so many vendors to pick from.  It's not suprising at all that 2 friends (who probably have some simular tastes) would end up using many of the same vendors. 


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  • bananas133bananas133 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No I'm actually from the Pittsburg area but when I registered, I didn't see a choice for that area.
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Stop talking wedding plans with her at all, and let it go.  It's not a competition, don't let her ruin your wedding, and don't let your wedding ruin your friendship.
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  • edited December 2011

    No more wedding talk with her, it'll just upset you. Like pp said, she can only "steal your thunder" if you let her. Keep your wedding plans to yourself, when she mentions something, smile, say "that's nice" and change the subject. She can't use any of your ideas then.

  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My MOH got married yesterday.  I'm getting married in 3 weeks.  I have been engaged for over a year and she got engaged a couple of months ago.

    She's my MOH because she's my best friend.  I cannot even BEGIN to imagine being upset with her or thinking she was trying to steal my thunder.  She was doing what worked best for her and her now husband, and I am thrilled for them.
    Married 10/2/10
  • beamer84beamer84 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-did-moh-steal-thunder-am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:feb0ca20-3b8a-4f39-b07c-29abd4822d2cPost:2048aa60-4ab9-4934-a444-6ee7df222338">Re: Please help!!! Did my MOH steal my thunder??? Or am I wrong???</a>:
    [QUOTE]She can only "win" this game if you play along.  Do what YOU want to do your way in your time.  If she brings up something else she has accomplished, smile and sweetly, ooo and ahhhh and say how happy you are for her...and then change the subject.  You don't have to share everything you are doing either. YOU are the one giving this situation negative power over you.  So stop!
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

    This
  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You get ONE day, your follow up post doesn't make that any different. "You cannot control what others do, you can only control the reaction you have." (I heard that somewhere on here, and I use that in my everyday life) At this point, you're reacting negatively to the situation.

    Just because she has the same dj, limo, and florist as you does not mean she's going to have the same music/car/flowers as you. You might be surprised at the variety of flowers and music that are out there. Does she know exactly what dress you have, or is she just picking one you talked about liking months ago? People are going to enjoy both of your weddings for what they are.

    FWIW I've known people that have been in/invited to 15 weddings in one year. It's not unreasonable for mutual friends to have to go to multiple weddings in a month. Just think, since they will have already been to the venue for her wedding you won't have to worry about them getting lost going to yours. GL
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  • TheCranberryTheCranberry member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-did-moh-steal-thunder-am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:feb0ca20-3b8a-4f39-b07c-29abd4822d2cPost:b8808d87-1435-4509-9fc5-850715097809">Re: Please help!!! Did my MOH steal my thunder??? Or am I wrong???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you all so much for your advice! I did however forget to mention a few other important details.  My MOH has also chosen the same venue and is going to use some of the same ideas for it that I gave her when I chose it before she was engaged.  She also informed me today that she wants a dress that is exactly the same one that I described to her months ago when I explained the dress that I wanted.  Also, she is now using the same florist, limo, and dj as I am as well.  Am I still over reacting???
    Posted by bananas133[/QUOTE]

    I actually do think this is weird of her, mostly that she picked the same venue and will pick the same dress.

    I agree with the PP though that you have to not let it bother you.  Just know that you can't discuss your wedding plans with her.  Has she displayed this kind of behavior in the past?  Vent on the boards because if you let it get to you, it really will ruin your planning time.  You will still have a beautiful wedding with all of your family and friends regardless of how she acts.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Look at it this way, you'll have a month to make any changes based on the things you don't like at her wedding!

    And in the meantime, if you don't want her to do something you're doing, keep that detail to yourself.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Banana. You get married one month after her. Any  changes you want to make to "top what she did" can be made. Any mutual guests will have your wedding stuck in their minds because it was the last one they attended. Don't worry about it.

    You've been engaged for almost 2 years by the time you get married, correct? Did you really think no one else would be allowed to get engaged or married during that time. Other people have lives too. Just go with the flow. You get one day...and so does your friend.
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  • DancerppfDancerppf member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Mutual friends understand that you set the date and picked certain items first. No more procrastinanting, get thing done and confide in a friend that isn't mutual. I love my best friend dearly but we can be highly competitive at times so i understand best friend dynamics aren't always cookie cutter. As long as you wedding reflects you, it could never be duplicated!

  • edited December 2011
    Yes, it's a bit weird that she chose the same venue and the same dress, and yes, it sucks that you can't share your excitement with your MOH because you're afraid of her taking your ideas.  But please remember this:  You are not Thor.  You have no thunder.

    Have you asked her WHY she's choosing the same details?  She may just really like them.  She may be trying to be competitive.  Either way, keep your details to yourself, as much as that sucks.
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  • edited December 2011

    I am on the other side of this pretty much.  My MOH/best friend and her FI have been engaged for almost three years.  My FI and I got engaged in January and told people that we wanted to get married June/July 2011.  My BFF calls me about two weeks later and says her and her FI set at date for August 13. 2011 because we inspired them to get on the ball and actually tie the knot.  Shortly thereafter I set my date for July 2011, one month before. 

    Everything has been so much fun! We are each other's MOHs and having a ball planning our weddings together. 
    I just picked up my dress and she came with me.  She told me she was suprised that I picked a strapless dress with a side swipe panel.  Then two weeks later I went with her to go dress shopping and she fell in love with a dress that was shockingly similar to mine.  I think she likes my dress so much cause its AWESOME!

    You are overreacting, this is not a competition, its a friendship.  You need to get over the thunder stealing and be happy for your MOH!!  She's your MOH of a reason, remember that.  How can you be this negative towards someone who is this important to you. 

    I went traveling with a friend and my luggage got lost.  My friend lent me a top and some undies that were brand new, so I didn't have to wear the same clothes forever.  She kept complementing me on how I rocked her shirt and made my own.  My point is, your weddings will not be identical in similar dresses and the same venue, you will each make it your own. 

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-did-moh-steal-thunder-am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:feb0ca20-3b8a-4f39-b07c-29abd4822d2cPost:b8808d87-1435-4509-9fc5-850715097809">Re: Please help!!! Did my MOH steal my thunder??? Or am I wrong???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you all so much for your advice! I did however forget to mention a few other important details.  My MOH has also chosen the same venue and is going to use some of the same ideas for it that I gave her when I chose it before she was engaged.  She also informed me today that she wants a dress that is exactly the same one that I described to her months ago when I explained the dress that I wanted.  Also, she is now using the same florist, limo, and dj as I am as well.  Am I still over reacting???
    Posted by bananas133[/QUOTE]

    Ok - no more sharing ideas.

    So she didn't actually pick the same dress? Just what you described [i.e. sweetheart, A-line, by ___designer with lace, etc]? The chances that you get the same dress are slim unless you showed her the dress and she said I have to have it...screw you. 

    Don't worry about the florist. Are you doing the exact same colors or flowers? You aren't the first person to use this florist and won't be the last. That also goes for the limo. No one pays attention to a limo. IMO it is a wasted expense.

    The DJ is fine. Again, you aren't the first person to use him, or the last. The playlists will be personalized to the couple so don't worry about the music being exactly the same.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Definitely stop sharing ideas. But even if you have the same vendors, you will still have different weddings.

    And FWIW, if I were a mutual friend invited to both weddings, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't remember much of the wedding the month before. So, I wouldn't be comparing your wedding to hers. The details, flowers, favors, music, don't matter to me.
  • Bride2011beBride2011be member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone ... My cousin got engaged in December of last year and I got engaged in May and we picked our dates to be exactly 8 weeks apart and you know what we are ALSO having a ton of fun bouncing ideas off of each other at work during the day (we talk via text and facebook) ... I get ideas and she gets ideas, we share them ... Our colors are also very similar I just chose a darker blue than she did and our tastes are very similar in clothes, so I'm not going to be surprised if when I see her dress it's similar to my dress ... I don't care, I really don't ... In the end it's not going to matter who gets married first or second, in the end only your friendship should matter.

    If it upsets you that much then stop talking wedding with her and only ask her for advice where you really need it ...
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs. And I wouldn't say that MOH is stealing your thunder, but I can see how you'd be a bit miffed especially if you put a lot of work into planning. Try to think of it as you helped a friend find some things she really really likes for her own wedding. And like DAAC said, your respective weddings will be your own. You'll see :^)
  • Swtpsenn26Swtpsenn26 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Think of her using your ideas/vendors as a compliment to how awesome they are!  There's no competition...just some unspoken praise coming your way.

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Stop talking about the wedding with her if she never says anything nice.  Yes, it would be nice if she wasn't being such a brat.  But you can't control what she does, you can only control what you do.  You know that when you talk wedding plans she will try to put you down or one-up you.  So stop putting yourself in that situation.  
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  • edited December 2011
    I see where you're coming from. You're working hard for a year planning a wedding and your MOH scoops up your ideas because you've done the leg work. She's copying you but she's not stealing your thunder. She loves what you've done so much she wants to emmulate you, whatever. Enjoy your wedding, stop sharing ideas and let her come up with some stuff on her own. I do think she's being a little ridiculous, esp if you guys have the same dress, but hey...don't let that change the fact that it's your day!!
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  • edited December 2011
    I would be ticked off too.  My best friend got engaged after us and married before us and while our weddings will be somewhat alike they will also be different, she didn't copy me and I am not copying her because we respect each other's friendship that much.  Stop talking about the wedding with your MOH because she obviously doesn't value your friendship enough to do her own thing. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Whatever her motivation is, you should definitely be the bigger person and not let it get to you. Its a month apart, which really isn't that bad... 

    I understand how you feel, though, my good friend got engaged 3 months or so after me and decided to have her wedding two weeks after mine! She had virtually everything planned in less than a month, AND two of my bridesmaids, including my MOH (my sister from out of state), were asked to be hers too. I feel bad for them, that's a lot of traveling and financial strain, but there was nothing I could do about it but make it easy as possible for our mutual friends and bridal party. Now I'm coming home two days early from my honeymoon to attend her wedding. It was tough to deal with at first, I had the freak out moment, but I think it will work out ok for me, like I said I'm more worried about our mutual friends. 
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  • edited December 2011
    When I was getting married I talked about a bazillion ideas I had that I never used for various reasons.

    Are you actually using any of those ideas or did you just stake your claim on them and drop them? Is the dress the same dress or a similar style and was it a dress you liked but didn't get and you went with something else?

    I think I would be kind of feeling the same way you are but you'll just have to find a way to get through it. I agree with a lot that has been said.

    Salvage your relationship with her because in the end of it all you may look at both  weddings and find that although you used a lot of the same vendors, they are both very different in styles.

    No one is going to know that you used the same florist unless you tell them. No one will probably notice that you are using the same DJ and everyone looks different in dresses. Even if you wore the same exact dress it could look totally different on the both of you.
  • edited December 2011
    I really know how you feel on this.  My brother and his fiance (who I am close with) got engaged the same weekend that my fiance and I did.  And they knew it was happening.  Then they chose their wedding date on a weekend that would have been great for us as it is our anniversary.  It hurt my feelings and I felt like my thunder was being taken away.  But eventually, I got over it and had to realize that having our families stay together was more important than the wedding.  I just had to stop talking about many ideas as much with her because we liked the same things and had many of the same ideas.  Just know that she is your MOH for a reason, as PPs have said, and that in the end all that matters is that you are marrying your fiance.
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