Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Setting a limit

My FI and I have different ideas on what kind of wedding to have. He wants to have a bigger wedding and I want a small wedding. He plans on inviting 40+ family members plus other friends. I only want to invite a few close relatives and friends. How do you set a limit on who to invite.

Re: Setting a limit

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    The first step is to decide on a budget.

    The next thing you need to do is discuss what kind of feeling you want at your wedding.  Small and intimate?  Casual backyard?  Large and formal?   Do you want to do something in your church, at your favorite vineyard or park?  

    Your "sides" dont' have to be even, so if you decid on a wedding of, say, 60-70 people, and 40 of them are his friends and family, and 20 of them are yours, then so what?  You still get the feel you are looking for.

    If you are like my fiance and I, just looking at our familiies (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents), we are looking at over 50 people.  Add very close friends, and we're at 70. 
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    redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011

    First you two have to get on the same page.

    1. Budget. How much can each of you can save each month? How much you are comfortable spending in total? Set a real dollar amount  (that you really stick to). Remember others might offer, but that can mean strings.

    2. Talk about the big picture. (Examples: church wedding, backyard BBQ, black tie, season, year, etc.) To help with understanding each other list three things you have to have & why. What do each of you need to be happy? What would be a regret if it didn't happen? What can you get over? Explain why. (calmly). If you have different views, you need to negotiate a happy compromise.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    *This is Not Legal Advice*
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    I clicked this hoping it wasn't setting a limit on alcohol... Thank God it wasn't! 

    aaaaaand ditto what PP said - set a budget first! 
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    Ditto about setting a budget and then talk more with you FI and compromise maybe in the middle?
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    This is one of the main challenges of weddings I think - my fiance wanted to elope, he is the youngest of 8, I am second oldest of four, with my parents both divorced and remarried.  Since he wanted small, budget dictates, we choose a venue that worked with both of us, and enabled us to limit the invites to extremely close friends and aunts and uncles levelof family relations (if I did cousins we woudl have been looking at 200 my side alone...). 

    Therefore, budget and venue space are two important aspect.  However, it is not just your day, it is his day too.  IF he wants a big wedding, and you want a small wedding, then there has to be a discussion on compromise.  If budget, venue, and contributions from friends and family will permit for a large wedding, then I think that you have to make a call on if this is a hill you want to die on as the saying goes.  Does the number of guests really matter when all you want to be is married to him?  If you do go with a big wedding because that is what he and or his family want, then be upfront and be clear on what you can financially and "in knid"contribute to the wedding.  Some people don't realize the cost associated with many things.  If they want to ante up another 10 grand to pay for an additional 100 people to attend a venue (drinks, need for larger venue rental, food etc) and you two won't start your life off in debt, then deciding how vital a small wedding is to you is where to start. 

    Remember, a wedding is one day, the marriage is for life.  When it comes down to it, if it won't be a hardship on your marriage to accomodate this request (as in thousands of dollars of debt) then accomodate, but once again be clear in your ability to contribute.

    Another option is to have an "open cereony" where you invite the more distant friends i.e. cowrokers and such, and then invite them to the dance portion of the night, and have the meal limited to family and extremely close friends.  Some people find that crass, but that is what we are doing.  Poeple I sort of see are more than welcome to come to the dance and ceremony.  BUt I want the dinner to be shared with those who are close to us.  People seem to be very understanding of that.

    Anyway, good luck with planning.
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