Customs and Traditions

Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.

First off I never thought I would even be consider doing this but here goes... We are planning a wedding for June 2012. I have always dreamed of a large summer traditional wedding with friends and family. However, if we are not married before April 17, 2012 I will have to drop out of college. The only way I can stay in college is if we are legally married before April 17th. Would it be tacky to get legally married then next summer (like we had orginally planned) have a ceremony and reception so the family could partake in our marriage. I want to have the wedding of my dreams and I dont feel I should be cheated out of it just because of college.
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Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.

  • Riss91Riss91
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
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    Why would you have to drop out of college if you aren't married before April 17th, 2012?
  • That makes no sense at all. Why can't you stay in college single? Is this health insurance related? 
  • I don't think it would be tacky. I'm actually considering doing the same thing. My guy is in the military and we want to be together after a 2 year long distance relationship. The only way I could live on base is if we're married. I think in these situations, it is okay to do things a little out of order. We love our guys & we're going to get married anyways. You can still have the wedding of your dreams without putting the rest of your life on hold.

  • First of all, one doesn't "get eloped".  Elope is a verb.  I elope.  You elope.  He/she elopes.

    Now that that's out of the way:  the answer is no.  Once you elope, you'll be married.  That means that you don't have a "ceremony" later, because....well, you're already married.

    I'm not completely understanding why have to drop out of college if you're not married by April of next year.  I also don't understand why if you can elope next April, why you don't just change your wedding date and make it two or three months earlier.

    You have plenty of time to plan the wedding you want to have between now and next March/April.  Then you get the ceremony you want, and the reception you want.  Seems to me you're making this more complicated than it needs to be.

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • In Response to Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    First off I never thought I would even be consider doing this but here goes... We are planning a wedding for June 2012. I have always dreamed of a large summer traditional wedding with friends and family. However, if we are not married before April 17, 2012 I will have to drop out of college. The only way I can stay in college is if we are legally married before April 17th. Would it be tacky to get legally married then next summer (like we had orginally planned) have a ceremony and reception so the family could partake in our marriage. I want to have the wedding of my dreams and I dont feel I should be cheated out of it just because of college.
    Posted by cbug123
    I'd also like to know what college requires you to be married.

  • In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    I don't think it would be tacky. I'm actually considering doing the same thing. My guy is in the military and we want to be together after a 2 year long distance relationship. The only way I could live on base is if we're married. I think in these situations, it is okay to do things a little out of order. We love our guys & we're going to get married anyways. You can still have the wedding of your dreams without putting the rest of your life on hold.
    Posted by acrawf17
    The day you say "I do" is your wedding day. Anything after that is a vow renewal and you need to let your guests know.

  • redheadfsuredheadfsu
    2500 Comments
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    edited May 2011
    I don't believe you. There is not a single reason why a college should mandate this... this is bizarre.

    I'm eloping, but everyone knows & I understand that it is a wedding (just a tiny one). You get one wedding, you can have a party to celebrate your anniversary or renew your vows. You only get married once, so don't pretend the JOP/elopement  isn't a wedding, because it is.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
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    The problem isn't so much as tacky as impossible.

    If you get married before April, you physically cannot have a wedding in June.  You can have a party, or you can put on a show, but you can't have a wedding, without first getting divorced.  You could actually have a secret wedding, and then have a fake wedding and lie to your guests in June, but of course, that is completely immoral and wrong, and it would still be a fake wedding.

    Part of being an adult and getting married means dealing with hard choices.  If you can't stay in college and have the big summer wedding, you'll have to be an adult and pick one over the other.
  • tehlilonetehlilone
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    edited May 2011
    I'm really curious on why you need to be married as well... financial aid? private college? curiousness is peaked!

    That aside, like others are saying, it will not be a "wedding." It'll be more of a vow renewal. I'm actually considering this option depending on when my SO joins the military. We want to have the "wedding" ceremony and reception on our anniversary though and I don't think that's tacky. One of my friends was married for 1 year before she had her "ceremony + reception" with family and friends.
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  • In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    I'm really curious on why you need to be married as well... financial aid? private college? curiousness is peaked! That aside, like others are saying, it will not be a "wedding." It'll be more of a vow renewal. I'm actually considering this option depending on when my SO joins the military. We want to have the "wedding" ceremony and reception on our anniversary though and I don't think that's tacky. One of my friends was married for 1 year before she had her "ceremony + reception" with family and friends.
    Posted by tehlilone
    You may not think it's tacky, but it is impossible to have a wedding ceremony on your first anniversary.  Because you're married.  You'll have having a vow renewal on your first anniversary.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • tehlilonetehlilone
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    edited May 2011
    In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : You may not think it's tacky, but it is impossible to have a wedding ceremony on your first anniversary.  Because you're married.  You'll have having a vow renewal on your first anniversary.
    Posted by trix1223
    That's why I said it was a vow renewal and put wedding in quotes...

    and to be more specific I didn't mean 1st wedding anniversary, I meant I want the public ceremony and reception on my 10th year anniversary.
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu
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    edited May 2011
    In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    So in order not to be criticized you need to sign the paper and have the ceremony + reception in one day?  I think that's kind of close-minded but that's just me. Etiquette isn't my fortay considering it differs from culture to culture. If I was going to do a traditional wedding ceremony for my culture it would last several days and not just one day. So the ONE DAY rule doesn't apply anyways. It's not a do-over wedding if you never had a "wedding" in the first place. I don't believe signing a paper = wedding. It's like saying... "Oh well, you signed the paper but couldn't have a proper wedding. You don't deserve one now. For it to be acceptable in society, you should get divorced first and then re-marry." Anyways, I know a lot of people that don't have the funds to have an elaborate wedding or even the typical wedding with ceremony and reception when they want or have to be married. Usually, it's people that are involved in the military. There's nothing wrong with it and it isn't shunned or looked down upon. There are also people that sign the paper in a court house and have a ceremony at the church + reception later in the week/month/year. I've known people that have two ceremonies as well to accomodate family that cannot travel to them and have the whole shebang. There are also people that incorporate their different cultures and religions and choose to have weddings that span a few days to get in all the traditions and practices. Does that make one wedding real and the others fake? This thread wasn't about... - I'm having a small wedding but I want to have a larger one later to reap all the benefits from gifts and stuff. It's about... - I have to get married by this date for various reasons but I want to have a wedding ceremony and reception with my family to participate in at a later date. Weddings are about sharing your special day with those you care about. It doesn't make the day any less special and anyone that says otherwise doesn't understand the situation and shouldn't even be invited in my opinion. You'll get critized by some people. Hell, you'll sometimes get criticized for marrying whomever you marry or however your wedding looks. In my opinion, real family and friends will understand why the ceremony and reception were done at a later date and will still consider it a real wedding.
    Posted by tehlilone
    Er.

    A JOP/ elopement still requires a ceremony. It is not "just"paperwork. It might not be the same thing your culture or religion requires, but you need a ceremony of some sort. Which is why people get pissed you you demean JOPs like this. It isn't "just" paperwork. a JOP/elopement is a simple/tiny wedding. So yes, you would be having a do-over if you had a JOP/elopement & then another wedding ceremony later. Plus, you realize when you say "just" paperwork that is very demeaning to JOP ceremonies. Don't act like it isn't a wedding, that is beyond rude to JOP brides.

    As an adult, you have to make adult choices. Do-over weddings are immature & childish as you could not deal with the adult choice you made.  You can have an anniversary party or vow renewal, but trying to re-do a wedding is beyond silly.

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  • OP - I've heard a lot of girls trying to justify an elopement followed by, what they all like to call their "real wedding."  Your excuse however has to be the dumbest one yet.  I know of no college that requires you to be married to attend.  I went through both undergrad and law school and did so without so much as an e-ring on my finger.

    If you seriously go to a college with such wacked out rules, find another.
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  • Ok.  Found these followups that you posted on SB:

    My funding for college is at a ZEROOO balance as of now. I have used my scholarships as far as it will take me. Because I am not over the age of 25 I can not claim to be a independent student. Therefore I have to use my parents income taxes. My mother just went through a very long divorce and recieved a large lump sum of money which she has to claim on her taxes. Therefore screwing me over for government financial aid. Getting married would allow me to claim myself as an independent studnet. My parents are not assisting me in college and I live on my own.

    and

    My mother used my college fund that had been set up since I was three on a new house. So yes I do feel that my mother "screwed me over" as you would say as far as schooling. Had I have grown up expecting to have to pay for school I would have been better prepared. Our wedding will not be featured in a wedding magazine or anything extravagant. I want to share our unity with close family and friends but not be rushed in planning the ceremony and reception as I'm in school and working. Having a year to do so would be much easier as far as the "celebration of unity". Our families support us getting married legally then having a religious ceremony later. It would more or less be us renewing our vows. I'm not getting married because I'm pregnant or for insurance nor am I getting married because a threat of being deported. LOL. Simply wanting to finish school and try not to go 20,000 in debt with school loans. Thanks for the feedback everyone...some of you should take a midol before posting :)

    and

    As far as the IRS I am an independent. However FASFA does not care. I have talked to my financial aid advisor. She told me if my parents were not in prison, had not abused me, were still alive that I would not be exempt from having to use their tax returns. I do live on my own without assistance. But because I am 22 I cannot use my own tax information. She told me they consider that my parents still provide funding for school until I turned 25.


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  • I have used my scholarships as far as it will take me
    If you had a limited scholarship, have you ever considered applying for others?  If you lost your scholarship, then it's on you.

    My mother just went through a very long divorce and recieved a large lump sum of money which she has to claim on her taxes. Therefore screwing me over for government financial aid.
    Man moms can be mean by going through long (read, contentious and usually nasty) divorces.

    My mother used my college fund that had been set up since I was three on a new house. So yes I do feel that my mother "screwed me over" as you would say as far as schooling. Had I have grown up expecting to have to pay for school I would have been better prepared.
    Any chance she had no choice but to use that money as a result of her divorce?  And what would you have done differently leading up to college had you known the money wouldn't have been there?  Saved every dime of babysitting money? Every penny from your summer jobs (assuming you had one)?

    Simply wanting to finish school and try not to go 20,000 in debt with school loans.
    How far into college are you and where are you going that it will cost $20,000.00 by the time you finish?  Life is full of grownup decisions to make and if you can't afford this college, transfer to another that you can.  I worked to pay every single penny of my undergrad tuition and took out loans for law school that totalled more than twice what you say your loans would be so you aren't getting any sympathy from me here.

    As far as the IRS I am an independent. However FASFA does not care. I have talked to my financial aid advisor. She told me if my parents were not in prison, had not abused me, were still alive that I would not be exempt from having to use their tax returns. I do live on my own without assistance. But because I am 22 I cannot use my own tax information. She told me they consider that my parents still provide funding for school until I turned 25.
    I have a hard time believing this.  I would talk to another counselor and them someone in your congressman's office.
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  • My college is not going to kick me out if I'm not married by a certain date or anything. We are simply wanting to get married legally then have a religious ceremony for family and friends to share with us. Its not for gift grabbing or anything like that. I would feel horrible if my father never got the opportunity to walk me down the aisle. Plus its not like I'm having 2 weddings. We would have the small ceremony this year then a larger celebration next year. Bumping up the wedding to this year with the dress and cake and whole nine yards just isn't affordable. Having a year to save will certainly help in every part of the religious ceremony and reception.


    My FH and I do live together now and living in the bible belt we have had a few family members not happy with the decision. This has also played a factor here. College funding: Having to claim my parents taxes for school is what we're struggling with. After mom went through her divorce and started receiving alimony and a larger sum of money that she has to claim on her taxes. Even though she spent the money on a house. She still has this on her taxes and it will be there for 4 more years until her alimony runs out. I was not aware that she had decided to no longer help with college until 3 months ago. Had this had happened in high school I would have looked into scholarships a lot more than I did. Everything that I apply for now has been denied because of having to use my moms tax information for the FASFA.
     
    Since we already live on our own and support ourselves, getting married would help us save money. Had we not been planning a wedding before hand I could see how this would be for all the wrong reasons. We are just wanting to legally be wed to help us out financially and curve the "you guys are living in sin" away from us. Student loans are an option but I'm trying other options to keep us out of debt.
  • Everyone has already told you that what you want to do is a bad idea, so I just reiterate everything they said.

    Your parents are not obligated to pay for your schooling. If they can afford it and offer it, that is fantastic. Life happens and plans change. From the information that I have gathered, I would say your mom probably had no choice but to use "your" school money for a house.

    I also paid for all of my undergrad with jobs. Every penny. My parents could not afford to pay for my college and honestly I'm glad they made me work for it and both of the cars I've had. They mean more to me because I worked my butt off to pay for them. I only had to take out 2 small loans, one of which is already paid off.
  • blee10blee10
    10 Comments
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    I see not a thing wrong with this! FIrst off, you arent trying to get gifts at two weddings, nor are you trying to hide anything.  You just want your family and friends to celebrate with you later on at a later date. You are bettering yourself by college, and to those on here saying get a job and pay for your college...Well would you like to tell me exactly where a decent paying job is for someone without a degree full time, and also health benefits? Also, to support yourself living on your own. I see nothing wrong with your decision and I would come to be in attendance. :)
    ScarlettLadyy
  • edited May 2011
    In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    I see not a thing wrong with this! FIrst off, you arent trying to get gifts at two weddings, nor are you trying to hide anything.  You just want your family and friends to celebrate with you later on at a later date. You are bettering yourself by college, and to those on here saying get a job and pay for your college...Well would you like to tell me exactly where a decent paying job is for someone without a degree full time, and also health benefits? Also, to support yourself living on your own. I see nothing wrong with your decision and I would come to be in attendance. :)
    Posted by blee10
    Nobody here said it was easy; it's all a matter of what you're willing to sacrifice and go through to get the degree.  I paid for state university tuition by making barely more than minimum wage.  I also lived in section 8 housing at one point - OP however, has a FI who is obviously willing to help support her until she graduates since they are talking marriage to help her out.  Who cares what people say about living in sin.   FTR there are brides on here who are strict Catholics and lived with their FIs before the wedding keeping separate bedrooms. Also health care shouldn't be a problem since she can stay on her parent's insurance until she is 25.
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  • aegrishaegrish
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    In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    No, you cannot have two weddings, unless you divorce your husband first and then remarry.  You get one wedding.  You can have a party at a later date if you wish.  It will not be a wedding, and if you parade around in a white dress and pretend to be a bride, you will look like a fool.
    Posted by CMGr
    this exactly.  Have a party, a vow renewal ceremony if you insist.  But do not try to re-create the wedding or reception.  Keep it informal.  Don't expect people to take it seriously, since after all, you are already married REGARDLESS of the reason..
  • I despise when people give the excuse of money/insurance to get married.  I have yet to hear the answer to:

    What would you do if you were single and in the exact same situation?

    OP be the first to answer.  It will really make my day.
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  • I have to be honest.  If I heard you were getting married because you couldn't afford school/life, but then you threw a big Wedding Industry Wedding, I'd be giving you the serious eye roll.

    There are much more important things to spend money on in life than a PPD party.

    IMO, you're not financially ready to get married.  You need to be on your own for a time, paying your own housing, food, insurance, health care, car payments, clothing, incidentals before you should be spending money on an "I DESERVE a princess wedding" party.

    And stop blaming your mom for "screwing" you over.  How about  you take some time to consider the pain that she's gone through as her life has completely turned upside down.

    As I read this morning in Dear Abby:  You are lucky to live in the "Land of Opportunity".  You don't live in the "Land of Entitlement".  You have plenty of opportunities to complete your schooling.  It will be harder than you initially thought, but not impossible.  But you are not entitled to an easy road to your degree, and you are not entitled to a fancy Wedding Industry Wedding.

    Your priorities are skewed, and for that I'm sorry.  But gee....good luck to you.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • amys325amys325
    500 Comments
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    To the OP...don't listen to these women.  Do what you want.  I know of a few people who had to get married ahead of time for various personal reasons and then they had their dream wedding a few months later.  You deserve it!  Do what makes you and your fiance happy!  Afterall, it is your wedding :)
    chauna25ScarlettLadyy
  • In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    To the OP...don't listen to these women.  Do what you want.  I know of a few people who had to get married ahead of time for various personal reasons and then they had their dream wedding a few months later.  You deserve it!  Do what makes you and your fiance happy!  Afterall, it is your wedding :)
    Posted by amys325
    Can you explain why anyone "DESERVES" a big poufy white wedding?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • em01092em01092
    1000 Comments
    member
    In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    My college is not going to kick me out if I'm not married by a certain date or anything. We are simply wanting to get married legally then have a religious ceremony for family and friends to share with us. Its not for gift grabbing or anything like that. I would feel horrible if my father never got the opportunity to walk me down the aisle. Plus its not like I'm having 2 weddings. We would have the small ceremony this year then a larger celebration next year. Bumping up the wedding to this year with the dress and cake and whole nine yards just isn't affordable. Having a year to save will certainly help in every part of the religious ceremony and reception. My FH and I do live together now and living in the bible belt we have had a few family members not happy with the decision. This has also played a factor here. College funding: Having to claim my parents taxes for school is what we're struggling with. After mom went through her divorce and started receiving alimony and a larger sum of money that she has to claim on her taxes. Even though she spent the money on a house. She still has this on her taxes and it will be there for 4 more years until her alimony runs out. I was not aware that she had decided to no longer help with college until 3 months ago. Had this had happened in high school I would have looked into scholarships a lot more than I did. Everything that I apply for now has been denied because of having to use my moms tax information for the FASFA.   Since we already live on our own and support ourselves, getting married would help us save money. Had we not been planning a wedding before hand I could see how this would be for all the wrong reasons. We are just wanting to legally be wed to help us out financially and curve the "you guys are living in sin" away from us. Student loans are an option but I'm trying other options to keep us out of debt.
    Posted by cbug123
    A lot of religious officiants won't do this then. If you got married at the JOP, you are married. When you go to a religious officiant, you take a marriage license for him/her to sign and then you return that to the county. That can't happen if you are already married. 

    I say either wait to have the wedding you want or do the JOP wedding and be happy with it. It's fine to have an open house or host some sort of party to celebrate later, but don't wear a wedding gown or make it a big to do. You will look dumb and people will think you are dumb. Make your choice and own it. 
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  • In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.:
    To the OP...don't listen to these women.  Do what you want.  I know of a few people who had to get married ahead of time for various personal reasons and then they had their dream wedding a few months later.  You deserve it!  Do what makes you and your fiance happy!  Afterall, it is your wedding :)
    Posted by amys325
    Ah!  There it is!  The I'm a Newbie saving a Newbie post.  LURKING is your friend. Do it.
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  • cbug123 - Go for it. Don't listen to all the A**holes that are shooting down your dreams. A ceremony is not the signing of a legal contract. By definition (as per dictionary.com it is "a formal religious or sacred observance; a solemn rite: a marriage ceremony." So you can have your cake and eat it too. Do the legal thing, then you can do the religious celebration and Observance with everyone the way you want it. trix1223, zitiqueen, redhearfsu, CMGr, MyNameIsNot, GoodLuckBear14, mightythemidget, aegrish and Cynthia1207 are being narow minded, petty and frankly it seems some of them just REALLY like to see themselves post. Screw 'em, they're not important. Hope your two weddings are both awesome. :)
    Hawaii614tkay77ScarlettLadyy
  • I don't agree with 2 weddings for all the various reasons already stated before so I won't beat that dead horse.

    I do however wonder if you're going to school part time...Or did you start college late? It seems funny that you're 22 already and worried about stiill being in school after next spring. Don't get me wrong, I understand some people take a little longer. I went an extra semester myself.

    I just wanted to warn you that if you're going to school part time, there won't be government provided financial aid. You only qualify for those funds if you are taking a full load and it only lasts for 8 semesters so you will need to get it in gear and figure this school thing out.
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