Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.

vicki0508 · May 2011

This doesn't make any sense to me. From age 22-25 I was able to take out a shiit ton of student loans from the government to pay for school. I'm pretty sure that once your parents stop claiming you as a dependant on their taxes, you don't count their income on your FAFSA.

And ditto the others - if you can't afford school, then you can't afford a PPD a few months later.

red_dawl · May 2011

Wow, there are some judgemental people on here.

Our ceremony will not be our legal wedding, and I see no problem with this. We'll be getting married at city hall a week or so early because we want my father to perform our ceremony, but he is no longer ordained. For me, the significant thing is having him do the ceremony, not having him legally marry us, so this is our solution and everyone involved is happy with it. A wedding is a celebration of the couple's marriage - whether that marriage started that day or a bit earlier makes no difference in my eyes.

grizzgurl · May 2011

We are doing the same thing - we are actually getting married in a small ceremony in a few days and then next year having a ceremony with family an friends. My only advice is Do Not Tell Anyone you are getting married unless you know for sure they will be able to keep it quiet. My mother told everyone who asked the generic marriage inquiry (we have been together for a few years its a natural question) because she said she couldn't "lie" I have had the worst time planning my wedding.

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:6a4783f8-3302-42d0-b029-2ebc9f3a74c8">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]We are doing the same thing - we are actually getting married in a small ceremony in a few days and then next year having a ceremony with family an friends. My only advice is Do Not Tell Anyone you are getting married unless you know for sure they will be able to keep it quiet. My mother told everyone who asked the generic marriage inquiry (we have been together for a few years its a natural question) because she said she couldn't "lie" I have had the worst time planning my wedding.
Posted by grizzgurl[/QUOTE]

Have fun with that. Ever see the old Road Runner cartoons where something blows up in Wiley Coyote's face? That's this plan.

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:6a4783f8-3302-42d0-b029-2ebc9f3a74c8">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]We are doing the same thing - we are actually getting married in a small ceremony in a few days and then next year having a ceremony with family an friends. My only advice is Do Not Tell Anyone you are getting married unless you know for sure they will be able to keep it quiet. My mother told everyone who asked the generic marriage inquiry (we have been together for a few years its a natural question) because she said she couldn't "lie" I have had the worst time planning my wedding.
Posted by grizzgurl[/QUOTE]

Well, there you are. Starting your married life with the biggest lie you've ever told. And then in your "religious" ceremony, again perpetuating the lie before God, family, and friends. That's going to go well for you.

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:689a59e7-0f77-451e-86d8-4782536f5c3e">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : Ah! There it is! The I'm a Newbie saving a Newbie post. LURKING is your friend. Do it.
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

Who cares if I'm new or not, I'm just stating my opinion. I realize that she can't get married twice, but if she wants to pay for and have a big wedding/reception, then she can do whatever she wants. Maybe she can't call it a "wedding" technically, but she can still wear the white dress, walk down the aisle, have a big party, cut the cake....it's her day and she can do whatever she wants.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:6a4783f8-3302-42d0-b029-2ebc9f3a74c8">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]We are doing the same thing - we are actually getting married in a small ceremony in a few days and then next year having a ceremony with family an friends. My only advice is Do Not Tell Anyone you are getting married unless you know for sure they will be able to keep it quiet. My mother told everyone who asked the generic marriage inquiry (we have been together for a few years its a natural question) because she said she couldn't "lie" I have had the worst time planning my wedding.
Posted by grizzgurl[/QUOTE]

FFS

Seriously? Lying to your loved ones & God (basically).That are some values right there. How can some of you people live with yourselves? Lying to get a pretty princess day? Grow up.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:d416fe2b-045e-4e41-b3cf-5754903821f7">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : Maybe she can't call it a "wedding" technically, but she can still wear the white dress, walk down the aisle, have a big party, cut the cake....it's her day and she can do whatever she wants.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

No it isn't HER day. It takes two people to get married. Plus, as soon as guests are invited, they matter too. That is the dumbest line ever, you lose all credibility when you say that wedding BS.

Plus, she can do what she wants, but her family and friends can judge her. They can think she is just doing it for attention & doesn't know or give a darn about what a marriage actually means. (Not talking about proper vow renewals just silly PPDs)

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:aa95eae9-dbed-4586-85f4-74c24e4f2b04">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : FFS Seriously? Lying to your loved ones & God (basically).That are some values right there. How can some of you people live with yourselves? Lying to get a pretty princess day? Grow up. In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : No it isn't HER day. It takes two people to get married. Plus, as soon as guests are invited, they matter too. That is the dumbest line ever, you lose all credibility when you say that wedding BS. Plus, she can do what she wants, but her family and friends can judge her. They can think she is just doing it for attention & doesn't know or give a darn about what a marriage actually means. (Not talking about proper vow renewals just silly PPDs)
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, I should have said it's "THEIR" day.

If her friends and family are offended or insulted that she is doing this they do not have to come. End of story.

I have friends who did exactly what this OP is talking about doing and I was happy to be there for the two of them. I didn't think it was rude and I was happy to be there to celebrate. It might not have been their "official" wedding day, but it was the day they celebrated with their friends and family.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:b25e4fc2-4427-4d37-8855-54a367598f37">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : I'm sorry, I should have said it's "THEIR" day. If her friends and family are offended or insulted that she is doing this they do not have to come. End of story. I have friends who did exactly what this OP is talking about doing and I was happy to be there for the two of them. I didn't think it was rude and I was happy to be there to celebrate. It might not have been their "official" wedding day, but it was the day they celebrated with their friends and family.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

Which is usually what a vow renewal is. Celebrating their family & friends and that their marriage is strong & happy.

OP said she was going to hide the fact that she got married from everyone. Lie. That is not celebrating friends and family. So why are you defending her?

Edit: oh... maybe she wasn't lying maybe that was the other poster. Er... so many of these posts/do-overs. But my point is that a vow renewal is fine, but pretending one is not married is silly.

Jerusha19 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:aa95eae9-dbed-4586-85f4-74c24e4f2b04">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE] No it isn't HER day. It takes two people to get married. Plus, as soon as guests are invited, they matter too. That is the dumbest line ever, you lose all credibility when you say that wedding BS. Plus, she can do what she wants, but her family and friends can judge her. They can think she is just doing it for attention & doesn't know or give a darn about what a marriage actually means. (Not talking about proper vow renewals just silly PPDs)
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I think by Her day the PP simply meant it's not YOUR day. And yes, her friends and family can be judgemental, it's a free country and they have that right. (and if they're like a lot of the people posting on this thread they will no doubt exercise that right) But if they are truely their friends they will just be happy to celebrate with the couple.

Can All the haters in this thread just stop. you made your point several times. Let the Bride be happy!!!!

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:3095bf9c-63a4-4977-803a-8bc205103285">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : I think by Her day the PP simply meant it's not YOUR day. And yes, her friends and family can be judgemental, it's a free country and they have that right. (and if they're like a lot of the people posting on this thread they will no doubt exercise that right) But if they are truely their friends they will just be happy to celebrate with the couple. Can All the haters in this thread just stop. you made your point several times. Let the Bride be happy!!!!
Posted by Jerusha19[/QUOTE]

We "hate" just so people understand that some might talk/ judge them. If the OP didn't care what people thought, they wouldn't post. If you don't give a damn about what is correct etiquette, why are you asking for advice? The "haters" are giving advice. If you don't give a damn what people think. Fine... I assume you won't ask for any advice.

Edit: Plus, what adult uses the term"haters"? I thought that was for angsty teens.

Sanine · May 2011

This whole post is getting me frustrated. There are many women out there who got married by JOP, but not through their religion and were able to have a religious ceremony later. There are many different reasons to get married legally before the religious ceremony.

I've read on other boards off of the knot of military people getting married civilly then getting married through their church later on after they return from overseas. EDIT: I forgot to add that on those posts many of them stated that they didn't "validate" the marriage or have sex until after their religious ceremony.

If you are going to live like a married couple right away i'd check with your pastor or leader of your church to make sure it is ok to do that and have the religious ceremony when you planned it. Some religions seem to be more strict with this than others.

I don't see it as getting married twice rather having the ceremony twice. Not all religions (if any) recognize JOP marriage as a religious marriage. Legally you'd only be getting married once (the paperwork cannot be signed twice). Like I said above, I'd make sure its possible though your religion first if they will have any issues with getting married outside of the church first. If they have no issue with it then there is absolutely nothing wrong with having two "weddings."

And yes it is true that until you are 24 you have to use your parents taxes for financial assistance. I know. I've had to use my parents taxes up until this past school year. Once I turned 24 I was able to go off of my own income and ended up getting a grant.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:d416fe2b-045e-4e41-b3cf-5754903821f7">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : Who cares if I'm new or not, I'm just stating my opinion. I realize that she can't get married twice, but if she wants to pay for and have a big wedding/reception, then she can do whatever she wants. Maybe she can't call it a "wedding" technically, but she can still wear the white dress, walk down the aisle, have a big party, cut the cake....it's her day and she can do whatever she wants.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

Right because lying to friends and family is definitely OK just because the word ''wedding'' is involved. Wow, just wow. I have lost faith in the world.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:3095bf9c-63a4-4977-803a-8bc205103285">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : I think by Her day the PP simply meant it's not YOUR day. And yes, her friends and family can be judgemental, it's a free country and they have that right. (and if they're like a lot of the people posting on this thread they will no doubt exercise that right) But if they are truely their friends they will just be happy to celebrate with the couple. Can All the haters in this thread just stop. you made your point several times. Let the Bride be happy!!!!
Posted by Jerusha19[/QUOTE]

Don't you think if a lot of people share the same opinion about it maybe just maybe there might be some reasoning behind it?

You're right, it is a free country. People have the right to lie no matter what, Just remember that the truth always comes out in the end. If you have ''true'' friends, usually you don't lie to them. Just saying.

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:94ab20a6-b46a-4223-886b-7e7ea1a48e4b">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : Right because lying to friends and family is definitely OK just because the word ''wedding'' is involved. Wow, just wow. I have lost faith in the world.
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

Where in ANY of the OPs or my posts do we condone lying?!?!? If you read through this thread you would realize that I'm telling her it's ok to have a "wedding" the way she wants it, even if she is already married a few months before. Why don't you get informed and read before you comment.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:260a6a0b-877f-4ee7-8563-f07b87c87210">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : Where in ANY of the OPs or my posts do we condone lying?!?!? If you read through this thread you would realize that I'm telling her it's ok to have a "wedding" the way she wants it, even if she is already married a few months before. Why don't you get informed and read before you comment.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

If someone wants to keep it a secret therefore lying is involved. If you say it's ok then you say it's ok to lie. Getting married and then having a ''wedding'' is in fact lying as you are already married and therefore cannot have a ''wedding''. What you have is a PPD and looks tacky and is gift-grabby. There is no other way to call it. Part of being an adult is making difficult choices and making sacrifices. Marrying for money, whatever kind, usually doesn't end well.

The bolded part of what you wrote applies to you. Get informed about the boards before posting.

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:ed879190-0ae9-4061-aa0f-592c548ad698">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : If someone wants to keep it a secret therefore lying is involved. If you say it's ok then you say it's ok to lie. Getting married and then having a ''wedding'' is in fact lying as you are already married and therefore cannot have a ''wedding''. What you have is a PPD and looks tacky and is gift-grabby. There is no other way to call it. Part of being an adult is making difficult choices and making sacrifices. Marrying for money, whatever kind, usually doesn't end well. The bolded part of what you wrote applies to you. Get informed about the boards before posting.
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

Oh, you mean the sentence that you pulled out of context? If you read the sentence before in the same paragraph, you would see that no where in my post or any of my posts do I say anything about lying. I actually list out the things that I say are ok to do IMO.... "Maybe she can't call it a "wedding" technically, but she can still wear the white dress, walk down the aisle, have a big party, cut the cake....it's her day and she can do whatever she wants."

Now if I had said "Maybe she can't call it a "wedding" technically, but she can still wear the white dress, walk down the aisle, have a big party, cut the cake, LIE to all her friends and family....it's her day and she can do whatever she wants." then I can see why you would be upset.

It's ok, I'm not mad at you. I'll accept your apology.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

Potato-Potahto

One extra word doesn't change what your post said. As I've tried to explain to you, a PPD after an original wedding is tacky and is a lie because it's not a wedding. If it's not a wedding why in the hell would you wear a wedding dress and do all the hoopla? In any case I don't need to apologize to you. I haven't said anything to you that warrants an apology. I merely stated my opinion, whether you like it or not, that's your problem.

LuluP82 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:a38ac9b6-653e-47c6-b8a5-3d76530de3b3">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]Nobody has a problem with a "blessing ceremony" where the church blesses the marriage that already exists. No one has a problem with a vow renewal ceremony, either. Most of us DO have a problem with do-over weddings, where the bride feels that she is somehow entitled to a big pretty princess day, with thousands spent on a white wedding dress, huge reception, and doing all the things associated with a WEDDING. We especially have a problem with it if LYING TO THE FAMILY is involved! I think simple vow renewals for the family are very appropriate if the couple has been overseas, but they are VOW RENEWALS, not weddings. If you walk into a vow renewal ceremony, and you can't tell if it is a vow renewal or a wedding, then it is just tacky.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Why is that a problem exactly? if everyone invited has known the couple has been legally married so it's a blessing, if the couple/families want to spend thousands on a party, why i s it a problem for anyone?

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, just trying to understand. We did this. We got married in a civil ceremony, and then had a blessing ceremony and reception. It was for a variety of reasons that don't particularly matter, and also, very common in our cultures. We sent out announcements/STDs for blessing + reception. And then we had invites issued that said "BLESSING OF THE UNION OF". I wore a wedding dress to the blessing...again, what's done in my culture. My parents spent thousands on the dress and reception. But why is that a problem? It didn't hurt anyone, and it was their choice to do it. Would a stranger walking by think it was our "actual wedding day?" Absolutely! Did we walk around with a sign saying "This is not a wedding?" No, of course not. But everyone involved knew, and isn't that what matters?

In other words...if the trappings do not a wedding make, but the actual legality of entering into marriage, then why does it matter if someone throws a party with all the trappings?

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:677e4857-fcd7-4f00-9925-a5c060431efc">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on. : Why is that a problem exactly? if everyone invited has known the couple has been legally married so it's a blessing, if the couple/families want to spend thousands on a party, why i s it a problem for anyone? I'm not trying to be argumentative here, just trying to understand. We did this. We got married in a civil ceremony, and then had a blessing ceremony and reception. It was for a variety of reasons that don't particularly matter, and also, very common in our cultures. We sent out announcements/STDs for blessing + reception. And then we had invites issued that said "BLESSING OF THE UNION OF". I wore a wedding dress to the blessing...again, what's done in my culture. My parents spent thousands on the dress and reception. But why is that a problem? It didn't hurt anyone, and it was their choice to do it. Would a stranger walking by think it was our "actual wedding day?" Absolutely! Did we walk around with a sign saying "This is not a wedding?" No, of course not. But everyone involved knew, and isn't that what matters? In other words...if the trappings do not a wedding make, but the actual legality of entering into marriage, then why does it matter if someone throws a party with all the trappings?
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

I'm genuinely curious: what culture is this?

LuluP82 · May 2011

I'm Latin American. Everyone in my country does a civil followed by religious ceremony (if you like, optional of course) since it's required by law. While ours wasn't required by law, no one in our family or immediate circle (only ppl invited, it was a pretty small reception and blessing ceremony) really thought anything of it, since again, it's what everyone does. It had honestly never crossed my mind that this was controversial at all until I joined TK. In fact, my relatives and friends who don't have PPDs always say they got married, but didn't have a "wedding." The word is used to describe the party and trappings, not the actual act of getting married.

Disclaimer-- I don't think the lying is okay. At all. I also think it's ridiculous to have a re-do wedding "when you can afford it". But I'm honestly curious why people care if a blessing ceremony looks like wedding since everyone always insists it's not a wedding. I'm not arguing that it is-- I'm just wondering if the marriage license makes the wedding, and not the ceremony or the party, then why does it matter if someone has a ceremony that looks like a wedding?

ETA-- so long as no one is being deceived

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

Funnily enough, I've never heard of this tradition within Latin American weddings. Seriously, never. If it is however cultural, I have no problem with it. I have a problem when it's for money/insurance like OP's case right here. The reason why is because if you were single you'd find another way to solve your problem. You wouldn't just marry some guy off the street to solve it. Why does that way of thinking have to change just because you're in a relationship?

LuluP82 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:4fced502-27b2-4aa6-893d-1a5f78d0f7df">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]Funnily enough, I've never heard of this tradition within Latin American weddings. Seriously, never. If it is however cultural, I have no problem with it. I have a problem when it's for money/insurance like OP's case right here. The reason why is because if you were single you'd find another way to solve your problem. You wouldn't just marry some guy off the street to solve it. Why does that way of thinking have to change just because you're in a relationship?
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

I don't think it's a "custom" so much as just how things are. You have to get married by a JOP in most Latin American (and many European) countries. So most people have two ceremonies. Usually, guests are only invited to the religious one, and people count that day as their wedding day. Some of the religious ones aren't done because people are religious necessarily; just because it's what everyone thinks of when they think "wedding" (white dress, church/chapel like set up, flowers, etc). In some countires, the JOP can come to your place of choice and you can do it at once (I think emilyinchile did this); but in my particular country, you need to physically go down to the city hall and do it there during regular business hours. So most people will have some sort of wedding reenactment, I guess you can call it.

I agree with you on the solving problems on your own thing and with most things that people say about having a JOP followed by a PPD. I don't have any problems with your views on that, even though technically that's what I did along with everyone else I know. BUT, what I truly don't understand-- and no one's answered my question so far-- is why people seem okay with posters having a vow renewal, but that they'd only consider it "tasteful" if it has no elements of a traditional wedding. People say over and over and over that a pretty dress and party don't make you married, the marriage certificate does. And of course, that's common sense. But it still begs the question for me-- if the dress and the party don't make a wedding, then why does it matter if someone has those elements in a vow renewal?

LuluP82 · May 2011

Here you go, from Wikipedia--

Countries with mandatory civil marriage

In many countries such as France, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, Turkey, Argentina and Russia, there is a civil ceremony requirement. Following the civil marriage ceremony, couples are free to marry in a religious ceremony. Such ceremonies, however, only serve to provide a religious recognition of the marriage, since the state's recognition has already been given. In some of these countries (e.g. The Netherlands and Belgium) most couples get married without any religious ceremony at all. Full, formal weddings, complete with wedding gowns and the presence of family and friends, are usually conducted in special ceremonial rooms in the town hall.

My country is one of those that has a civil ceremony requirement, where you have to go to the town hall (not one of the special ones equipped for formal weddings!)

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

Ok so it's not cultural it's an actual requirement by law. That is not at all the case with OP and it is therefore NOT a vow renewal if you choose to have a religious ceremony afterwards. (I'm guessig all of this is done on the same day anyway and not a year in between)

A vow renewal is something done after the actual wedding as in YEARS later. Why wear a wedding dress if it's not a wedding? Sure you can shell out the $$ if you want, but it's still a vow renewal and you'll end up looking ridiculous. To be quite honest, I don't even know why people would make a big deal out of a vow renewal in the first place. It seems to be something more personal, between yourselves.

DramaGeek · May 2011

I agree with PP - the difference is that in some countries it's essentially required, and most people do it as close together as possible (i.e., legal ceremony on Friday, wedding the next day on Sat). It's not because "we can't afford it" and they choose to do it a year or two or five later.

Have the wedding you can afford, when you can afford it. I would side eye someone from Germany who did their legal ceremony on May 23 2011 then had their religious ceremony on December 17, 2011 or May 23 2012, or any other day that is more than a few days before/after May 23, 2011.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:6f92b585-cd1c-4e46-89b6-de4679740dc0">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP - the difference is that in some countries it's essentially required, and most people do it as close together as possible (i.e., legal ceremony on Friday, wedding the next day on Sat). It's not because "we can't afford it" and they choose to do it a year or two or five later. Have the wedding you can afford, when you can afford it. I would side eye someone from Germany who did their legal ceremony on May 23 2011 then had their religious ceremony on December 17, 2011 or May 23 2012, or any other day that is more than a few days before/after May 23, 2011.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

Here, the OP is getting married for a benefit (grants) but choosing to not consider herself really married because she wants a pretty princess wedding which can't happen now. As an adult, one makes adult choices. She can either get married or wait. She can't do both without looking silly. That is the problem. A vow renewal/ blessing of an union is sweet when done for the right reasons. Here, it is not - so people will judge her.

Jerusha19 · May 2011

I know I'm talking to a wall here with the nay sayers in this thread but here's I think the point of all the people saying it's ok (or at least my point if they don't share my view):

You can only sign the contract once, true. But you can make the verbal commitment as many times as you want. If you want to get married one month and sign the contract then and have another ceremony taking the vows again in front of your family in white with the big party, that's fine. If you want to do it again in another month for your friends in another part of the country, you can. You can make a verbal commitment to eachother As Many Times as you want to. (and your friends/family can decide if they want to celebrate with you or not).

From Dictionary.com:
Wedding:
1. the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials.

2. the anniversary of a marriage, or its celebration: They invited guests to their silver wedding.

3. the act or an instance of blending or joining, especially opposite or contrasting elements: a perfect wedding of conservatism and liberalism.

Ceremony:
1. the formal activities conducted on some solemn or important public or state occasion: the coronation ceremony.

2. a formal religious or sacred observance; a solemn rite: a marriage ceremony.

3. formal observances or gestures collectively; ceremonial observances: The breathless messenger had no time for ceremony.

Neither of these definitions say "a one time thing that you can't do again because then you're lying" or "the signing of a contract".

LYING to say "we're not married yet and you are witnessing our original commitment to each other and the person who is asking us the questions is the one who signed our contract and made it legal before the eyes of the government" is WRONG. Having a Wedding Ceremony when you've previously signed the contract, not Wrong. - Also, deciding not to go to the wedding ceremony of a friend because they've already made their commitment once, not wrong (if you're ok with missing out in celebrating with your friend).

Can we now agree to disagree. You're right, lying is bad. We're right, people can make a verbal commitment as many times as they want.

artbyallie · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_getting-eloped-now-then-having-ceremony-reception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f23f1c39-fec0-413a-a04d-b92f4be5e155Post:0c956fc2-8168-4c95-8a72-a11b91e51fc1">Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I'm talking to a wall here with the nay sayers in this thread but here's I think the point of all the people saying it's ok (or at least my point if they don't share my view): You can only sign the contract once, true. But you can make the verbal commitment as many times as you want. If you want to get married one month and sign the contract then and have another ceremony taking the vows again in front of your family in white with the big party, that's fine. If you want to do it again in another month for your friends in another part of the country, you can. You can make a verbal commitment to eachother As Many Times as you want to. (and your friends/family can decide if they want to celebrate with you or not). From Dictionary.com: Wedding: 1. the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials. 2. the anniversary of a marriage, or its celebration: They invited guests to their silver wedding. 3. the act or an instance of blending or joining, especially opposite or contrasting elements: a perfect wedding of conservatism and liberalism. Ceremony: 1. the formal activities conducted on some solemn or important public or state occasion: the coronation ceremony. 2. a formal religious or sacred observance; a solemn rite: a marriage ceremony. 3. formal observances or gestures collectively; ceremonial observances: The breathless messenger had no time for ceremony. Neither of these definitions say "a one time thing that you can't do again because then you're lying" or "the signing of a contract". LYING to say "we're not married yet and you are witnessing our original commitment to each other and the person who is asking us the questions is the one who signed our contract and made it legal before the eyes of the government" is WRONG. Having a Wedding Ceremony when you've previously signed the contract, not Wrong. - Also, deciding not to go to the wedding ceremony of a friend because they've already made their commitment once, not wrong (if you're ok with missing out in celebrating with your friend). Can we now agree to disagree. You're right, lying is bad. We're right, people can make a verbal commitment as many times as they want.
Posted by Jerusha19[/QUOTE]

<div>C'mon, it's right there in your post. Wedding = marriage. In most of the world, you can only get married once unless you are widowed/divorced. A wedding is the act of getting married, and so if you have already done that, you are just putting on a show. Now, I like me some theatre, but actual weddings can sometimes be a little boring. I certainly don't want to watch someone pretend to get married unless there's a little more 'plot' involved... like My Big Fat Greek Wedding. :)</div>

tehlilone · May 2011

You know after reading most of the responses, it sounds like most people have an issue regarding the reasons behind a do-over wedding moreso than the act itself.

The reason do-over weddings are shunned is because they are done by people who...

a) Got married on the spur of a moment

b) Got married purely for financial reasons

c) Wanting to show off and get free stuff from others

d) Got married for reasons other than wanting to get married only

It's an adult decision and you should theoretically wait until you're financially and emotionally mature enough to support that decision. Realistically, that's not the way many people get married. If you get married for the reasons above, some people think you're trampling on the concept that is marriage. They also think that since they were able to pull off a wedding they were perfectly fine with, then you should too. A wedding is a symbol of "joining together" and because you signed the paper you've "joined together" and that is sacred to them. I think that's their main issue about "do-over" weddings. It only happens "once-in-a-lifetime" although 50% of marriages end in divorce and people get remarried having a second wedding. So technically, that idea doesn't happen most of the time. Also according to their arguements, you can divorce and remarry to have a grand wedding. This would be etiquettely correct and less shunned upon (yeah right?). However, it costs additional fees for paperwork. So I say, why do it if you can skip it?

The talk about standing up by yourself financially and not leaning on others sounds nice, but it's just talk. For financial aid, you're a dependent until you're 24 so you have to use your parent's income tax for financial aid. The only ways to get around this is to get married, join the military, become an emancipated minor by the court, have a child to support, and a few others about homelessness. You could choose to give up financial aid and get multiple jobs to support your studies, which could ultimately compromise your grades and graduation. You could go to a cheaper school, but your degree might suffer. You could also drop out of college, but that affects your future and what you might be able to provide for your family.

They talk about making an adult decision. I think you're making one by considering the best course of action to ensure your education and the best means of supporting your family in the future. They don't think you should have a "do-over" wedding because you already signed the paper. They talk about accepting the consequences for your decisions. I agree with that, but why is not getting to have a wedding party a must-have consequence? You can be legally married without being spirtually or emotionally married. That's the great thing about separation between church and state. According to the state, you're married. According to the church, depends on their opinion.

While there's no reason you should deserve to feel like a bride, there's no reason you shouldn't deserve to feel like a bride. And yes, you would be a bride. If people want to get technical, a bride is someone who is going to get married or who has just been married. Just meaning very recent. With both very and recent being subjective terms, it could be a week, a month, a year, etc. So those saying she isn't a bride, technically, she is a bride.

I'd also like to make you aware that most marriages end over financial issues. So getting married because of financial issues is not the best way to start a marriage. However, I'm realistic in admitting how bad the current economy is and sometimes you just have to use whatever necessary to get ahead in life.

Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.

Re: Getting eloped now then having a ceremony and reception later on.

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