Best Friends Wedding is adult-only destination - am I being selfish for not going? Opinions please .

KA1024

Hi everyone,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.

I am currently in a rough situation with my best friend. She is having a destination wedding next July on the complete opposite side of the country. She is having a shower, bachleorette and reception back here in our hometown a few months after the ceremony.

I have several issues that are making me lean towards not attending the ceremony part:
1)We absolutely cannot afford to fly out there. We are in MAJOR debt and are fighting hard to get out. The groom offered to "borrow money from his parents" to pay for our family to go out. We do not want to accept because he would be BORROWING which is exactly which got us into the pickle we are in and also because we are talking thousands of dollars here and we just feel guilty and horrible accepting that kind of offer. It just doesnt sit well with me to accept that. To go to this wedding we would have to make a lot of sacrifice's as a family that we are just unable to make.
2) I have a toddler and a newborn who was born just a few weeks ago. The wedding is adults only. I really DO NOT feel comfortable leaving my kids here while I fly across the country. Also, I am nursing my baby and plan to nurse for the first year. That is very risky to leave a nursing infant that long.
3)I have terrible travel anxiety. The last time I was on a plane, I had a horrible anxiety attack and almost couldnt fly home. We had to take a flight later that day and I took 4 Xanax and basically had to be carried on the plane. Flying for me is a HUGE deal. She knows this, but doesnt understand as she travels all the time and actually enjoys it.

HER VIEW: She is obviously hurt and very disappointed (which I can understand). She cant see why I cant just suck it up, leave the kids with a sitter and fly out to see her get married.
MY VIEW: She is doing the shower, b-rette and reception here. We talk EVERY day. I will absolutely still be there for her 100% even if I am not physically standing next to her during the vow exchange. I also dont think it is fair for her to judge me as a friend on the decision I make as a parent...I am just not comfortable leaving my kids, borrowing money ect.

Your thoughts?

mandi195

You have every right to decline. While I understand she will be upset, the circumstances you described SCREAM that going to this wedding is not a good idea for you and your family. While it is very generous for them to offer to pay, them borrowing money to do so is just plain horrible idea. I would politely decline, attend whatever festivities you are able to locally, and maybe send something awesome to where-ever she is getting ready the day of the wedding Maybe an edible arrangement (fruit awesomeness!) or other awesome light-snacky gift and some champagne, along with a heartfelt letter about how while you're not there physically, you're with her in your heart, and how much she means to you.
It's very unfair for her to put her wedding before your family and their needs. Hopefully she will understand and you can continue with the awesome friendship you seem to share.

hjay07

You should NOT feel bad. You are making the right decision for your family. I'm sure this is coming from a place of disappointment for her, but what she needs to understand is that you're disappointed as well. I'm sure you'd love to be there to see her get married, but your family comes first. Heck no are you going to leave your NEWBORN at home for this.  It sounds like you're planning on going to other events in celebration of her marriage, so she should be thankful for that. If she's truly a good friend, she will realize all of this.

And also...why is she having a shower and bachelorette after her wedding? Weird.

OliveOilsMom

Do not go to this wedding.  It could leave you in a worse financial state.  Keep what you are doing to work out of your issues. 

I would also not be leaving a newborn for an extented period of time. 

And if I was that terrified of flying, I would not be putting myself in such a panic inducing situation either.

If you friend cannot understand all of this, that is her problem to get over.

AddieCake

You should not feel bad about not going. It really doesn't sound like it's best for you or your family to go. 

SJM7538

Ditto everything everyone else said. When you choose to do a DW you run the risk of people, even close friends, not being able to attend. If it was just your anxiety over flying I would say suck it up, but you have you finances and your family to think about it.

I think your friend is rude for not understanding that these things come before her wedding. If she doesn't agree then send her here. smil

KateH2013

Try not to allow her to make you feel bad for not being able to go. It's a lot for a DW bride to ask for guests to go so far away for a ceremony. I'm having a DW and some of my family members have already expressed that they cannot go - the only appropriate response is I absolutely understand. Am I bummed? Yeah. Do they owe me an explanation? Absolutely not. You should not have to justify your reasons for not going - even if she is your best friend. Good for you for not "sucking it up" and going which would result in a worse financial situation. Stand your ground - your family comes first!

Jen4948

Your reasons for declining are totally valid.  In no way are you being selfish.  If your friend can't accept that, then she is not being a true "friend."

j-harvey

I

Meghannsix

You have multiple, valid reasons for declining.  Your friend might be disappointed that you won't be there, but she'd be way out of line if she gets angry or throws some kind of temper tantrum. 

FWIW, we considered a DW, but decided against it when we realized how many people probably would not make it.

loca4pook

I wouldn't feel bad. When someone gets married at a destination especially one "adults only", they have to understand now everyone is going to be to attend. That is just reality

HobokensFury

Ditto PP. Don't feel bad about not going.

lauralaur

Don't go and don't feel badly about not going. Let your friend know that you are disappointed too, but you have not one but THREE very, very good reasons to decline. If it was just one I'd say maybe see if there's a way to work around it, but going seems to be an all-around bad idea for you. Maybe once she's had a moment to get over her disappointment she'll come around to understanding.

banana468

The finance reason is enough.   It's simply not smart to get further into debt for a party.   It's not your wedding and she should understand as a friend.

That said, leave the child issue out of it.    Your baby will be 9 mos or so by the time the wedding rolls around and the toddler can handle being away from you.   I understand not wanting to be away from your children for long (my daughter is nearly 2 yo) but that's a personal choice as is the bride's choice to have the adult reception.

GardenMaven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-friends-wedding-is-adult-only-destination-am-i-being-selfish-for-not-going-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:479135cb-777e-4f27-95b3-f524554e5b77Post:60bafb4d-39bf-435f-ba3c-376ee68047cd">Re: Best Friends Wedding is adult-only destination - am I being selfish for not going? Opinions please ....</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't being a bad friend.  She is.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Completely agree with this and all the PPs.  All but one of our BP members will have to travel, but it is something FI and I asked them about individually.  If any of them had said they couldn't make it, I wouldn't have even need an "excuse", because it is OK to say no.  Same with our guests.  I hope they can all make it, but if they can't that is OK.  </div><div>
</div><div>Try not to let your friend's attitude get to you.  She is in the wrong on this one.</div>

msuprincess04

I'm having a destination wedding and just found out last week one of my good friends can't make it because of pretty much all the reasons you gave. She just found out she was pregnant last week, and at the time of my wedding will have a 4 month old (or something liek that if I did the math right). Am I bummed? Absolutely. Is she still my good friend? Of course! I'm throwing a big party that's she's going to miss. And that sucks, but it doesn't change our relationship at all. I can't hold it against her for not making it. She's being a good mom, and that makes her an awesome person. I'm still honored to call her a friend.

I hope your friend comes around. You are doing nothing wrong, and it's disappointing that she would act that way.

lpowers1118

Don't allow her to make you feel bad.  Sounds like you have your priorities straight.  It seems rude of her to force you to put her needs before your families.  Not to mention, it is a bit rude to have a shower, reception and bach. party months after the actual ceremony.  Sounds like just a lot of gift wanting rather than allowing people to celebrate with her. 

jnjmommy0609

She is being unreasonable. It is natural to feel bad for missing her wedding but do your best to get over those feelings. Plus I don't blame you for not wanting to borrow anymore cash. When you are trying to get out of debt since when does it make sense to borrow even more money and put yourself in even more debt??? 

QueenOfTheSea

Ditto to everyone already on here!  If I was in your position, I wouldn't go either!