Wedding Party

Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties

24

Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties

  • Oh, I'm SO sad that I have to go to breakfast and have to miss this...

    I think you're a troll.  Don't play innocent and ask what it is, look it up.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • My MOH (my sister) and two of my bridesmaids were out of the country until a week or two before my wedding. I asked them knowing there was a chance that none of them would be able to make it. I chose these people to stand beside me because they are my best friends, not because of what they had to offer me as bride slaves.  They contributed to an amazing wedding day just simply by being there. Knowing that we had friends/family that were willing to be there for us no matter what is what mattered the most. I also had a BM who was in the country who loves weddings and offered alot of help and that was great. I had another who was local as well who offered very little help and that was fine too. I asked her because she was important to me, not because I wanted her to work for me. Like many other brides on this board, I found that friends/family who wanted to helped offered on their own (probably because I wasn't demanding). Besides, my now-DH and I were able to do a majority of the planning on our own. Isn't that what is should be about?
  • Brim, how are you having both an awesome bridal party and bridal party issues?  I'm confused.

    To read through this makes me think that you're misinformed on what a bridal party does.

    No friend or significant other should be shown a list of "duties" that are their requirements as reason that they have to do things. 

    Sure, BMs can traditionally help the bride out WHEN THEY OFFER.

    Yes, they're often the bride's go to person WHEN THEY OFFER.

    However, just as it would be completely inappropriate for you to go to your FI and say, I expect you to do the following things FOR me, the same goes for your friends.

    BMs should be doing these things of their own volition and doing so just makes the experience better FOR you. 

    DH bought me awesome Christmas presents because he's Mr. Super Banana!  I didn't tell him that he had to do stuff or that would have taken some of the sweetness away from the experience that was opening Christmas presents from my husband of over 2 years.

    The same goes for your BMs.  If they want to assist you then great.  However for you to tell them WHAT to do is not appropriate at all.  And I don't know of any BM who ever told the bride, "This is not appropriate and I don't like what you're asking of us."

    However I'm friends with several people who were BMs and had no problem complaining to me about the things that the bride was making them do.

    If you have friends who are excited to do stuff then great.  However you don't want to turn them into your servants or your wedding will be something that they just want to be OVER rather than something they want to be IN.

    It'll all about the prepositions.
  • Also, if you want to ignore all this and say that the original issue is the friend hat argues with you, you STILL need to talk with HER. It sounds like she could really be upset about something. If you're her friend, maybe you should try being one.
    image
    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
    My Planning Bio
    My Married Bio updated March 4
  • I agree with the original poster. I do believe bridesmaids should do more than buy a dress and stand up at the wedding but it is because of a combination of they want to help and they expect to help. Do they have to, of course not. They could not offerto help and they could say no if asked to do something specific. It may be that they live too far away to help but those who can, should. They should offer to help and they should say yes, when asked to do anything that is reasonable.  Friends and family members help each other and the people that are your bridesmaids should be your closest friends and relatives.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:affe981a-ab1c-4da2-9f4e-b17e5bb299ad">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with the original poster. I do believe bridesmaids should do more than buy a dress and stand up at the wedding but it is because of a combination of they want to help and they expect to help. Do they have to, of course not. They could not offerto help and they could say no if asked to do something specific. It may be that they live too far away to help but those who can, should. They should offer to help and they should say yes, when asked to do anything that is reasonable.  Friends and family members help each other and the people that are your bridesmaids should be your closest friends and relatives.
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]
     Skippy, what you just said is what we said. You actually agree with us. That bms can help if they want to, aren't demanded to help, and everyone's happy.
    image
    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
    My Planning Bio
    My Married Bio updated March 4
  • Skippylouwho, I'll buy that friends and family members are those offer to help out.

    But they're ones who offer to help out because that's part of their nature. 

    You can't expect people to do things that are not part of who they are to help you be who YOU want to be.  Life doesn't work that way.

    If you are friends with someone who ONLY expects you to do things for her and she never does anything nice for you, you have a lousy friend.  However if you're making demands of your friends, suddenly the actions aren't appropriate.

    It's the same for all relationships that don't involve payment.  I don't tell my husband to do things for me.  He does wonderful things for me because he's fantastic.  The same holds for BMs and any other friends.  Making demands of them is never the way to treat them though. 
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2009
    Didn't even read all the responses: OP, you're wrong. Or you're a troll. ... maybe both. Either way, quit trying to encourage newbies that treating their BP like unpaid staff is ok because some corporate website that makes money off of making crap up told you it is.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2009
    Also, my wedding is in less than a week. I told the girls (My 2 sisters and FI's sister) get the dress and show up wearing it, and didn't ask for anything else.

    My mom and FI helped me make the favors ... and well,  pretty much with anything else I needed. My MOH did help with the ribbons on my invites, but I didn't ask. It was a random thing where one night she just asked "Hey, what are you doing?" and I happened to be doing the invitations and said I was busy with them, she then said to me "Oh, I'll come over to help". I'm still kinda stunned that she did.

    All of my BMs helped with my shower, but I seriously had no idea I was getting a shower until everybody yelled "Surprise!", and actually FI's cousins (Who is looking to get into the wedding-coordinating business) planned most of it himself.

    But of my BMs pretty much 2 out of 3 in some combination or other work full time, have a child and go to school. Plus, there is a lot of non-wedding related drama going on in my family right now. So if I was calling "planning meetings" regularly and quoting internet ettiquette lists as gospel truth for my BMs, I'd be given a well-deserved "Come to Jesus" talk very quickly.

    Here's what matters about the wedding: at the end of the day, you're legally married to your FI. There is no part of that equation that required your BMs to attend planning sessions, receive news letters, and sacrifice their first born son in the name of getting your linens ordered in the absolute perfect shade of dusty rose.

    Once the ceremony is over (And let's face it, the majority of the "work" goes into the reception), the rest of the day is a frickin party. Throwing a party doesn't mean you get to be a jerk, and wearing a white ball gown to said party doesn't change that.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • Okay, I'm back, and I've been mulling over this.

    Take the wedding out of the equation for a minute, as any bride should do when they're having WP issues.  Let's say a friend of mine is moving, and has a lot to do with packing and getting her old place cleaned.  There are three possible interactions that can happen:

    • She can demand that I come over and help her out, and declare that I'm not a good friend if I don't.  If I don't have anything better to do, I might come by, but I wouldn't be all that happy about it.  More likely, I'd just blow her off, because that's really presumptuous of her.
    • She can ask nicely for my help, but understand if I can't make it.  Again, I'd probably help if I'm able, but it would be a much more pleasant experience, because I don't feel forced into it.
    • I can offer to come over on my own, because I know she needs help and I want to lend a hand.  She's happy to get the help, I'm happy to be doing a good deed, and everything is sunshine and rainbows and puppies.

    If you have very high expectations of people, they can do nothing but disappoint you.  If you have low expectations of people, they can do nothing but surprise you.  A bride who simply expects that her WP will go to the ends of the earth for her won't be happy when they do, and will go nuts if they don't.  A bride who simply expects her WP to do the minimum requirements will take anything beyond that as a pleasant surprise, and will enjoy the experience more.

    Wedding planning is only as stressful as YOU make it.  You can't control other people's actions, you can only control how you react to them.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • That was a perfect example, Aerin.  Perfect.
  • I also have no expectations for my MOHs (sisters) other than to show up and wear some sort of clean clothing. I want them to be there with me. I want them to be themselves and to be there. My younger sister, like me, is not a party planner. However, my older sister is very much a planner, and is very good with colors and styles and decor. I do not expect her to help me, but its her thing and she has offerred. I bounce ideas off of her. I just tell my younger sister what is going on to include her. The fact that older sis is helping does not make her a better sister or a better friend.

    This wedding is for FI and I to plan. Its our wedding to do what we want with. I ALWAYS ask FI for his opinion first, and then consult my sisters. I have MOHs because I want them to be there for me on the day.. the day that FI and I have planned. Its always nice to have help, but its not my MOH's job to plan it. I want their support in my marriage, and to support my choice of mate

    But then again maybe I am more concerned with preparing for my marriage than planning  awedding.

    If your BMs WANT to help, that's great. Its awesome, in fact. We have issue, however, with people who expect others to stop their lives and focus on their weddings for a year. We don't like it when BMs are called bad friends because they aren't interested in party planning, or when one friend gets passed over for a less-close friend because the latter is better at planning parties, or has more money or time. THOSE are the issues we have with BMs planning. No one is saying that BMs CAN"T help plan, we just think that expecting them to is a bit presumptuous.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • alrighty. i'm going to end this whole conversation because it's just silly.
    you're all just twisting around and overanalyzing everything i say.

    bottom line: i really don't care about any of you or what you say. my bridesmaids are mine. not yours.

    if any bride wants to tell the bridesmaids what to do, it's up to her. and i have no idea why that has anything to do with any business. what would a business have to offer for bridesmaids working for their bride? idk.  whatever.

    you can judge me or whatever, i really don't care.

    all of my bridesmaids have told me several times that they're behind me 100% and they know what they're expected to do. they don't even have to buy anything. why? because i'm a nice bride, that's why.

    my one aggrivating bridesmaid was, as i said several times, being argumentative about everything in life, not just the wedding. you all twist that to say that i'm having bridesmaid issues. i'm not. every single bridesmaid is ok with their duties. i just have one girl who is being difficult in all aspects of life.

    OY VEY.

    the end. i shall take my business to another board. hope you all get judged as much as you judge me.
  • My BMs and I were spread out over three different countries when we were planning our wedding...  I had their dresses made and sent them to them - all they had to do was have them hemmed if necessary.  

    Then they had to travel to the wedding and BE THERE and ENJOY THEMSELVES.  That's it :)  It didn't make them any less of a friend or BM.   

    If they had been local, they would have probably wanted to help out with my DIY projects - as long as I provided wine ;) - but it wouldn't have been an expected duty...
  • You came here complaining that your MOH wasn't fullfilling her duties.  I don't know how you can come and say they are all 100% ok with all the garbage you are assigning them.

    It seems you are overly defensive and taking it out on us b/c you can't handle that you are wrong. 
  • i dont get why you say i'm assigning them garbage. have i even mentioned anything i'm asking of my bridesmaids? i think not.
  • oh, and btw...a message from one of my bridesmaids:

    Those message board brides are losers. You picked your best friends as bridesmaid and MOH. You don't just have one best friend - you have FOUR! So why not include the four most important girls in your life with your wedding???? Those freaks don't know what they're talking about. I am blessed to have you as a friend and honored to be in your wedding. I know there will be times that I can't come to a fun planning event (and you'll know that I will be truly sorry), but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be involved with your wedding! A wedding is one of the most important events in a girl's life - why wouldn't we want to go on that journey right by your side?
    Your bridesmaids/MOH love you very very VERY much and would do anything to make you happy. We don't think you're a Bridezilla. We know that you're under more stress than ever before and we're going to be right by your side, keeping you sane. :)
  • Brim, it's great that ONE of your BMs thinks that this is a wonderful thing.

    Just remember that there's no occasion where you get to treat your friends poorly.  I'm not saying that you are, but do keep in mind that friendship is on every day.

    Beyond that, it's a good thing that your friend wrote that message and you didn't or you'd be walking very close to being banned from TK for comments like that.
  • I'm talking about the duties you talked about her not performing in your previous post.

    I don't know why I'm wasting my time.  We all know you're a troll anyway.
  • I love beebees, they just make my holiday time so much more fun!  I immediately discounted everything theOP had to say the moment I read her bio, and it said 1) she's young to be getting married, 2) they hid the engagement from parents for 'a long time' and 3) they told her mom about it over a text message.  Mom was unhappy but is now embracing the situation. 

    That says everything, ladies.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:2d485738-788f-494c-987c-6bcaf72b59da">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love beebees, they just make my holiday time so much more fun!  I immediately discounted everything theOP had to say the moment I read her bio, and it said 1) she's young to be getting married, 2) they hid the engagement from parents for 'a long time' and 3) they told her mom about it over a text message.  Mom was unhappy but is now embracing the situation.  That says everything, ladies.
    Posted by swim1011[/QUOTE]

    Swim, it gets better, if you check out the Chit Chat board, you'll see her FI's family apparently made no contact with them at all during the holidays. I'm sure they're not taking it so well either.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • I love how the original poster won't even talk about her MOH's issues with her complaining. OP, if you eve care about your MOH, you'll talk to her. Forget the wedding and the 'duties', be a good friend.
    image
    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
    My Planning Bio
    My Married Bio updated March 4
  • But Stina, nowhere on any "BM Etiquette" List does is say anything about exercising the common courtesy you would on a daily basis towards your "real" friends and family. Therefore, as the bride, nobody actually expects her to do that.

    Plus, since one of her BMs told her that she's not being a BZ, and that we don't know what we're talking about, she probably has already called her friend and said "Listen, you're really not pulling your weight ... but you can still be regular BM!".

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • haha, Meg! Seriously. I guess since you're the bride, Brim, you can treat your supposed friends like shiit.
    image
    Sunbonnet or cone of shame? You be the judge! Trixie's Blog
    My Planning Bio
    My Married Bio updated March 4
  • edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:9c15bb21-b9e6-40a7-889f-f1bd5deb0c2d">Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
    [QUOTE]. I send my maids a newsletter/message everytime I make a change or think of an idea.
    Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

    BARF times 40000!!!!
  • edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:1c41fb53-0358-4b56-83ca-318958ee318c">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
    [QUOTE] i also mentioned that one of my friends couldn't make it to a bridesmaids wedding planning <strong>sesh</strong>, and i was completely fine with that.
    Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

    BARF times 40001!!!!
  • This post makes me giggle, but then again, I still had friends after my wedding.  I also have awesome friends that would've told me the second I stepped over the line which I wouldn't change for the world.  I like having friends that tell me the truth.

    I doubt this poor poster (or troll) has this luxury.  Her friends are probably just as young, delusional, unrealistic, and bsc when it comes to weddings as she is.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:83f55850-2c2d-4dd8-8cc9-39161de4a6ee">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
    [QUOTE]i'm not buying anything...that has nothing to do with my bridesmaids helping me. it really is a shame that you all don't have such great friends like i do. maybe you shouldn't be so judgmental & you'd have better and more helpful bridesmaids. ;)
    Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

    <div>You have seriously got to be kidding me. My BMs are 7 of my closest friends who support me in EVERYTHING I do. And yes, they've given me some incredible ideas for my wedding. That all being said, I would never in a million years assign them duties. I know they're planning a shower for me but if they weren't I wouldn't hold it against them or assume that they're bad friends because they weren't. Sorry, but I doubt you'll find many people here that are going to agree with you.</div>
  • We'll I didn't read all these responses because I'm sure you got the right answers for the most part.  You're "time 40000" wrong.  My bridesmaids all bought their dresses and that's it.  I love them all because they're my best friends and I want them to stand up with me next Saturday for moral support.  I did not ask them to be bridesmaid's so they can help me pick colors or to throw me a bridal shower.

    Also, I suspect your e-mail/newsletters to your BMs are highly annoying and I'm sure they don't give a crap that you've decided to change your colors from buttercup yellow to sunflower yellow.
    imageimage
    Follow my book blog: Panda Reads
    Follow me on Goodreads: my read shelf:
    Sandra's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • The wedding world makes a bride believe that their are duties that are delegated to the BP this is done by bridal websites, magazines and all that.

    The only one who is supposed to plan out a wedding is the B&G. Yes has a whole I believe that your friends that you have selected in your BP will most likely be willing to help if their are things that you may need but I think what the other girls are saying is that it is not a requirement to be at brides beck and call.

    I selected the girls for my WP because they are special to me not because of what they could do for me. I also told them they I did not expect them to do anything but just have fun with me on my day. They told me what they want to be involved in. Like my BM went with me on a few Venue checks, 
    She is very excited for me and has had some great ideas that I ended up liking even more than what I had thought of.

    So their is nothing wrong with letting your girls help when they want. Its not required.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards