Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties

sucrets4

OMG I need to go tell my BMs that they suck as friends since I lived 1300 miles away from where I got married and they couldn't help me.

Oh wait...I'm an ADULT and am perfectly capable of planning something like this with just me and DH. 

OP, please grow up.  Your teens are showing.

sucrets4

PS - did you take your epics at your senior prom??  That's such a GREAT idea!  We had that same background at my school's prom last year...I'm a teacher, btw.

Nice job on saving some $!

liz745

I have to agree with pretty much all of the pp. I could NEVER treat my best friends as if they were my slaves. My BMs arent really helping plan any of the wedding and I am just fine with that. They have thier own lives too. Thier lives dont stop for your wedding. I am a younger bride too but I would never behave as you have on this post. Good lord, how old are you?
Personally the thing I hate about this post most is that it gives all of us younger brides a horrible repuation, even though we arent all as immature as you obviously are. Just from reading you Bio I can tell that you have handled things wrong from the get go. You definatly dont seem mature enough to be getting married.

psichick

while i don't agree with the original poster that bridesmaids 'have" to do certain things (i've seen the articles too, and i still have yet to understand exactly what they claim should be expected of bridesmaids/groomsman), i do think that some of you on here need to calm down with this stuff.

it's not completely unreasonable to want your bridesmaids to be involved in the planning process. these are the people that are closest to you, and i know that at least i want these people to share in our wedding, and also to help me make it a wonderful day for everyone. if they are good friends, i also think that they too would WANT to be involved at least somewhat. it's not unreasonable to ask for opinions or ask for help with whatever, from flowers to dress shopping. if they can't due to distance or something then fine, but if they can help, even in a small way, and choose not to, well what kind of friend are they truly?

i see lots of people come on this board and ask for help dealing with bridesmaid issues. everything from the jealous bm to the over involved bm, and no one seems to have anything constructive to say. all that's ever said is "well they don't have to do anything so just don't mention the wedding and just have them show up in a dress and look pretty" or "parties are things that they want to do for you, not things that they have to so don't expect it or think about it" and frankly it's rather annoying to constantly read these posts. people are truly asking for help and all people on here want to do is be the wedding police and treat them like they're bridezillas or insinuate that they're 18 because they have an issue with a uncooperative bm.  rather than belittle everyone with an issue (sorry that everyone isn't perfect) try actually helping people with these problems, or even better keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything constructive to add.

weddings are stressful on everyone and there are going to be issues. when people are looking for help on how to deal with them the last thing they need is to come on here and get more attitude from people they don't even know. they need HELP, that's why they're here. women frankly are bitches and there's going to be drama and this should be a place to help everyone figure out the best way to deal with it, not to make them feel horrible about themselves. ladies, get over yourselves and help each other out!

sarabear23

biitch be CRAZY.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:8371df70-d1a9-436b-91a1-4e5abe0dc9c3">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE]while i don't agree with the original poster that bridesmaids 'have" to do certain things (i've seen the articles too, and i still have yet to understand exactly what they claim should be expected of bridesmaids/groomsman), i do think that some of you on here need to calm down with this stuff. it's not completely unreasonable to want your bridesmaids to be involved in the planning process. these are the people that are closest to you, and i know that at least i want these people to share in our wedding, and also to help me make it a wonderful day for everyone. if they are good friends, i also think that they too would WANT to be involved at least somewhat. it's not unreasonable to ask for opinions or ask for help with whatever, from flowers to dress shopping. if they can't due to distance or something then fine, but if they can help, even in a small way, and choose not to, well what kind of friend are they truly? i see lots of people come on this board and ask for help dealing with bridesmaid issues. everything from the jealous bm to the over involved bm, and no one seems to have anything constructive to say. all that's ever said is "well they don't have to do anything so just don't mention the wedding and just have them show up in a dress and look pretty" or "parties are things that they want to do for you, not things that they have to so don't expect it or think about it" and frankly it's rather annoying to constantly read these posts. people are truly asking for help and all people on here want to do is be the wedding police and treat them like they're bridezillas or insinuate that they're 18 because they have an issue with a uncooperative bm.  rather than belittle everyone with an issue (sorry that everyone isn't perfect) try actually helping people with these problems, or even better keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything constructive to add. weddings are stressful on everyone and there are going to be issues. when people are looking for help on how to deal with them the last thing they need is to come on here and get more attitude from people they don't even know. they need HELP, that's why they're here. women frankly are bitches and there's going to be drama and this should be a place to help everyone figure out the best way to deal with it, not to make them feel horrible about themselves. ladies, get over yourselves and help each other out!
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

<div>You seem to mixing bitchiness with bluntness. The ladies here give excellent advice on how to handle these things. Once again I should reiterate that the people who are laid back about things with their weddings also seem to be the people with the most people around wanting to help and being supportive. We give advice for brides to lay-off when they are having problems because in most cases that is actually what will fix the issue. In many instances there isn't really issue except that the bride is trying to force people to do things that either they don't want to do or that they aren't ready to do yet. We basically tell the bride to chill the F out because that usually will fix the issue.</div>

LarissaAnn

Oh, good grief.  I'm just catching this now, since H & I were away this weekend, at a party hosted by a college friend of mine and his wife.

That's pertinent to this discussion, actually.  This college friend of mine and I have been friends since second semester, first year at Brandeis.  We're talking January of 1989, my friends, almost 21 years.

I have many, many VERY good, VERY longstanding friends.  I have a friend I've known since we were both two years old - that's 37 years, people!  I have friends from grammar school, high school, college, law school.

I once marveled to a friend of mine that I was so lucky to have so many incredibly close friends, great friends, friends I'd trust with my life and to whom I could turn in any crisis.  I can stay with the if I need to.  When my car's transaxle broke back in 2003, a friend loaned me a car until I could get a new one.  When I was having a horrible time one day back in 2002, that same friend came and "kidnapped" me and took me down the shore for the day to get me away.  I have friends who'd move heaven and earth for me.  So I marveled to a friend about it, how lucky I was, and she said, "It's not luck.  You have such great friends because you ARE such a great friend!"

I chose four as my bridesmaids; three said yes because the fourth had a very ill mother and money issues and felt too pressured by her life to accept.  She came to the wedding as an honored guest, and I was glad she could be there.

The other three were:

My sister, who was my MOH.  She's 7 years younger than I am, and we've been close all of our lives.  Well... for accuracy's sake, all of her life.  When she got married in 2003, I was her MOH.  She used to come to college to visit me and stay for a week at a time in the dorms with me.  We've traveled Europe together, more than once.  We live about 20 minutes away from each other and see each other all the time.  She's now the mom to my very first nephew, as of this past Tuesday.  I was at the hospital from Monday night at 11:20 p.m., through 2:47 a.m. when she had the baby, until 7:30 a.m., staying with her and my BIL to hang out and be with them and the baby.

My friend Grazina.  We've been friends since junior high - 1983.  She lives about an hour away from me, but we still meet up for dinner, movies, parties, shopping, dancing in the city, whatever.  I go to her gallery openings when I can.  She gets me face painting jobs with her company.  We've listened, through the years, to each other's trials and tribulations over men.  I've lived through the death of her father with her.  She's lived through crises in my life with me.  She's the one who told me I have great friends 'cause I am one.

My friend Michele.  We've been friends since law school - 1993.  She lives in NYC, and we hang out all the time - dinner, clubs, parties, whatever.  We really make the effort.  She takes trains and buses to come see me in NJ, I drive into Manhattan often on weeknights after work to do dinner with her.  She's even watched my dog while I was away; I take Meg into the city and leave her with Michele at her apartment.

I have many more than these 3 who've lived my life with me, would do things for me, and for whom I'd have no compunctions about helping out.

BUT...

If I don't *need*, I don't ask.  And that's key.  

My sis came with me & mom to look for my gown and the BM dresses.  I emailed her photos of the shoes I was considering for myself and she helped me pick.  But that's 'cause she's my sister, and I'd have done the same thing on any other day for any other occasion.

I didn't ask my BMs for anything.  I could have, but I didn't.

Grazina offered to help with things, but she lives an hour away, and I figured it'd just be silly to have her travel up here just to do stuff that H & I were perfectly capable of doing ourselves.

Michele didn't offer, and I didn't ask.  With her travel limitations, I didn't expect her to even offer.  It'd be ridiculous.

Did I ask for a shower?  Absolutely not.  I don't ask for parties or gifts in my honor; I'm not that uncouth.  And it IS uncouth to ask.  Did I know I'd have a shower?  Sure.  I know that my sis and mother wouldn't let my wedding go by without one, and I figured that Michele and Grazina would feel the same way.  The shower, btw, was a complete and utter surprise.  I had no say in planning one iota of it.

Did I ask for a bachelorette party?  Not on your life.  Did I figure I'd have one?  Sure.  I knew I threw one for my sis (and both Grazina and Michele attended it!), and I knew they'd all want one for me.  I also had no say in the planning, so I had no idea what we were doing 'til we got there.  I wasn't the one spending $$, so I sure as hell wasn't the one dictating the event.

Other than that, what the heck else would there be for my bridal party to do, other than wear the dress & carry the flowers?  Seriously, what is there to do?!

In the end, being a bride doesn't absolve you from the need to be a good friend.  Can you be a good friend and ask for help?  Of course!  Can you be a good friend and demand help?  No.  No,  you can't.

stina93446

[QUOTE]PS - did you take your epics at your senior prom??  That's such a GREAT idea!  We had that same background at my school's prom last year...I'm a teacher, btw. Nice job on saving some $!
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

<div>Hilarious! </div><div>
</div><div>OP, after checking out your bio...holy friggin' crap, you're a baby. </div>

LarissaAnn

Yeah, she's a kid.

And holy crap, sorry about the novel!  I didn't realize 'til after I posted.  

Short version:  I have kickass friends who'd do anything for me and vice versa.  And yet, I didn't have them do anything for my wedding because they're not my staff, they're my friends.  The key is you need to keep being a good friend, which means you can ask for help when you need it, but you can't demand it.  Being a bride doesn't give you any special dispensation to be crappy to your friends.

stina93446

Larissa, did you see her other post about how her budget wedding is going to be a black tie event?! Emily posted a link in her post above.

LarissaAnn

Yeah, I followed the link.  It's kind of funny, considering the fact that my pretty damned formal, not-really-on-a-budget wedding wasn't black tie.  If mom was catering?  Yeah, I'm thinking more like backyard BBQ and sundresses.

But then, I've got this damned realistic streak.

stina93446

I realized AFTER having a black tie optional wedding that it could have gone either way. I had many of the elements, so I shouldn't beat myself up about it. What's done is done and I am wiser now.

jeannigirl

Whats up with the I want my WP to help plan my wedding? Excuse me but isn't that what the B&G are supposed to be doing has its their day? Has a bride you can get some input from your WP theres no harm in that at all. But to expect them to help with the planning thats not their responsibility, duty, chore or whatever you may call it.

If they offer any help with anything then take them up on it. I left that up to the girls once they told me they wanted to be involved I told them I wasn't expecting them to do anything other than get their attire and show up and enjoy my day with me. I just asked what they wanted to be part of and let them come along with me while I did certain things like my MOH/Bm wanted to be part of looking at some Venues with me and certain ones I took them along with me and they were able to give me some great perpsective on the Sites. They both came with me for the first time of dress looking. My MOH came with me to talk with a couple of photographers not because I needed her help in selecting on but just for another perspective.

I think that this topic is soooooooo overly discussed its just silly but I persume that this topic will be asked over and over again. Hey its a place to come for help and advice.

RaiKai

The only people responsible for planning a wedding is the bride and groom. Or the wedding planner, as you are paying them to assume the responsibility.

Perhaps when you are out of your teens, you will realize that true friendship is not defined by who gets (or does not get) all giggly over your wedding or will share in your beebee-ness.

Your BM's are there to support you, if you desire, on your day. That is all. They may choose to help out in other ways, however they are not in any form or fashion obligated to do so.

wendy8346

Wow! I am amazed that people actually sit on this website all day and argue back and forth with eachother over things that for many, many years have been seen as "tradition" in the whole wedding process.

My own feelings aside, "brimcleod", do what you do and dont' let any people try to tell you different. This is YOUR day and if you want to tell your maids to do whatever, tell them! If you want to ask them to do whatever, ask them! Good lord, I would hope that people are mature enough to speak up if they did in fact have a problem with something!

Can't we all just get along??

saisongbird

Wendy, brace yourself.  That's all I'm gonna say.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:79c66c64-dbd1-43a7-b543-f37520290de3">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! I am amazed that people actually sit on this website all day and argue back and forth with eachother over things that for many, many years have been seen as "tradition" in the whole wedding process.
Posted by wendy8346[/QUOTE]

Wow, I'm amazed that people so high on their horses have the time to come to websites and insult people.

I'm also amazed that you would advocate treating people (friends, no less) however you want and hoping that they say something about the behavior when you seem to be so mighty when it comes to being rude to others.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:79c66c64-dbd1-43a7-b543-f37520290de3">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE] This is YOUR day and if you want to tell your maids to do whatever, tell them!
Posted by wendy8346[/QUOTE]

Exactly!  If they won't do everything for you, they aren't good friends anyway.  And who cares if you ruin all your friendships over your wedding!  You won't need friends after you are married anyway.

Your wedding absolutely entitles you to act like a selfish brat, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!

megk8oz

Oh, Wendy, you, Brim and Raine can be the 3 MUD-cateers.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:79c66c64-dbd1-43a7-b543-f37520290de3">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE] My own feelings aside, "brimcleod", do what you do and dont' let any people try to tell you different. This is YOUR day and if you want to tell your maids to do whatever, tell them! If you want to ask them to do whatever, ask them! Good lord, I would hope that people are mature enough to speak up if they did in fact have a problem with something! Can't we all just get along??
Posted by wendy8346[/QUOTE]


Says the woman who doesn't want her own soon-to-be stepson to be involved in HER wedding.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:24313fcc-c61e-4e24-a083-838fbe07af44">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties : Says the woman who doesn't want her own soon-to-be stepson to be involved in HER wedding.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

oh snap, good catch.

Nothing light calling out strangers for having nothing to do while you destroy any potential relationship with your FI's SON.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:d7dc586b-9952-498e-b6af-b5a2d9bd82ce">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties : oh snap, good catch. Nothing light calling out strangers for having nothing to do while you destroy any potential relationship with your FI's SON.
Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]

Not to mention putting a pretty good effort toward destroying FI's relationship with his own son. 

I feel really sorry for that poor kid.  Evil step mother and all.

[Deleted User]

Oh Wendy, bless your heart. You haven't a clue.

You're just pissed because we didn't think knocking your step son out on your wedding day was a good idea.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:79c66c64-dbd1-43a7-b543-f37520290de3">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE]This is YOUR day and if you want to tell your maids to do whatever, tell them! If you want to ask them to do whatever, ask them! Good lord, I would hope that people are mature enough to speak up if they did in fact have a problem with something! Can't we all just get along??
Posted by wendy8346[/QUOTE]


I would hope that people don't make immature statements like the above.

Remember, if you involve others, it isn't just YOUR day.

jeannigirl

 Meg I'm cracking up on this one that is great."Oh, Wendy, you, Brim and Raine can be the 3 MUD-cateers"

Nothing like calling out strangers for having nothing to do while you destroy any potential relationship with your FI's SON.

Not to mention putting a pretty good effort toward destroying FI's relationship with his own son. 

Whats up with that giving so called advice to someone who you can't even act like an adult with a teenager?

jeannigirl

. "rather than belittle everyone with an issue (sorry that everyone isn't perfect) try actually helping people with these problems, or even better keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything constructive to add.

No-one has a right to tell anyone to keep their mouths shut you do realize that these are national boards and everyone has a right to speak their views or opinions or give their advice.

No-one has to validate anyone's feelings on here and if you are looking for validation then one should go to their family and friends. On here you are talking virtuously to strangers.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_highly-disagree-bridesmaids-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4d5d7b12-dae1-4124-a776-67242ea80102Post:8371df70-d1a9-436b-91a1-4e5abe0dc9c3">Re: Highly Disagree with Bridesmaids Duties</a>:
[QUOTE] ladies, get over yourselves and help each other out!
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

As MOD of the board, your comment is out of line.  The OP is being helped out and while a lot of your comments in your post were great, comments like that are not necessary or conducive do discussion. 

brimcleod

Can we just stop all this insanity?
And can I please point out that
1) the photos on my bio are NOT engagement photos. we  had them taken for fun on our 2 year dating anniversary 2 years ago. and they weren't taken at prom, they were taken at Glamour Shots. (which by the way, I highly dislike, and do not recommend to anyone. as you can see they did my hair & makeup awfully.)

2) I'm not a kid.

3) I'm fully capable of planning the wedding of my dreams, that will be semi-formal, and just the way I want it.

Now, can we put all of this to rest and stop picking on people who think of things differently?

jalara48

Hello!

I think that bridesmaids are there to help their friend prepare and live through the most important (and exciting!) day of her life.

My bridesmaids help whenever I ask them to help with something. My FI and I are very much into handling the wedding "work" ourselves, because we are enjoying our big day. But there are some things that the bridesmaids are supposed to do, besides standing with me on my big day.

I chose my girls because they are girls I can depend on, and that's what they are there for. Will I give them gifts? Absolutely! But if they were people who sat back, did nothing, weren't there for me when I needed them, or let me go through this stressful time without giving me their support, then they likely wouln't be in the wedding party.

I also want to say this - I'm not much into posting on these boards. I look to them when I need some ideas or general support, but rarely add to them. Looking through the responses to this post was shocking - there's some drama going on here!

Ladies: this is a place for us to band together and help each other out. It is a place to show respect, excitement, and nervousness. Maybe save the high-school theatrics for a downtown Saturday night? I know each and every one of you will make a spectacular bride, so why speak down to one another? This is supposed to be a fun place to go!

All the best!

MyNameIsNot

Do you make a habit of walking into a room full of strangers and telling them how to behave?