kicked out pregnant bridesmaid

diybridemama

My best friend called me yesterday and let me know that she would not want me to be stading up there with her at her wedding next month as one of her bridesmaids because:
1. I will be 7.5 months pregnant at her wedding (I was pregnant before she even found out she was going to have to plan her wedding in approx. 3 mth. and she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged.
2. won't look good in a dress her other bridesmaids are picking to make them look good which their budget is $50 for. 
3. Afraid that I will feint while she is at the alter (I feinted twice during my pregancy because I became hypoglycemic after conception, but that was because I didn't know I am hypoglycemic).
She also mentioned she still wanted me to buy a dress and be in the wedding colors so, I still look like I am part of the bridal party but, that I am more important than a bridesmaid to her and she wanted me to be her "right-hand man" and help her serve at the reception and help her get ready, etc. 
I was crying while she was telling me this and off and on the past 24 hours. I sent her an e-mail this morning appalled how she could ask this of me and how she made me feel fat for the first time in my life ever, how lame her excuses are and how she essentially wants me doing maid of honor duties for her without the title or the honor of standing by her side. My final decision was that I didn't want to be there, if she didn't want me standing up there with her. 
I hoped it wasn't too harsh, but I really don't like drama and especially not while I am six months pregnant. 
she e-mailed me back this afternoon. said she was sorry and how I hurt her with my cutting e-mail and how our friendship is being damaged and how friendship is more important than being a bridesmaid anyways and how she still wants me there for the wedding, etc. etc. 
My true dilemma is:she is suppose to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding. 

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicked-out-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e59173-01e0-44f5-86aa-838e6bb8a003Post:9fa6f376-15de-4e7f-a921-def43ffd6369">kicked out pregnant bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend called me yesterday and let me know that she would not want me to be stading up there with her at her wedding next month as one of her bridesmaids because: 1. I will be 7.5 months pregnant at her wedding (I was pregnant before she even found out she was going to have to plan her wedding in approx. 3 mth. and she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged. 2. won't look good in a dress her other bridesmaids are picking to make them look good which their budget is $50 for.  3. Afraid that I will feint while she is at the alter (I feinted twice during my pregancy because I became hypoglycemic after conception, but that was because I didn't know I am hypoglycemic). She also mentioned she still wanted me to buy a dress and be in the wedding colors so, I still look like I am part of the bridal party but, that I am more important than a bridesmaid to her and she wanted me to be her "right-hand man" and help her serve at the reception and help her get ready, etc.  I was crying while she was telling me this and off and on the past 24 hours. I sent her an e-mail this morning appalled how she could ask this of me and how she made me feel fat for the first time in my life ever, how lame her excuses are and how she essentially wants me doing maid of honor duties for her without the title or the honor of standing by her side. My final decision was that I didn't want to be there, if she didn't want me standing up there with her.  I hoped it wasn't too harsh, but I really don't like drama and especially not while I am six months pregnant.  she e-mailed me back this afternoon. said she was sorry and how I hurt her with my cutting e-mail and how our friendship is being damaged and how friendship is more important than being a bridesmaid anyways and how she still wants me there for the wedding, etc. etc.  My true dilemma is: she is suppose to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding. 
Posted by diybridemama[/QUOTE]
Wow, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry.

I think you did the right thing telling her how hurt you were.  I'd go further in your reply and make it clear that this isn't about you being a bridesmaid, this is about her slighting you for being pregnant and HER not valuing your friendship.

As for her being your MOH, I'd wait before making any decisions about that.  See if your friendship recovers at all.  If she realizes how wrong she was and tries to make amends, you might still be able to save your friendship (if you want to) and then you don't have to do anything.  However, if you don't want to be friends anymore after this, then obviously she won't be your MOH anymore.

trix1223

Well, now you know that you've found out that your "friend" values form over substance.

I find it amazing that she thinks you might faint (not feint, BTW) during the ceremony, but it's fine to be her slave and do all sorts of scut work for the rest of the day.

Consider yourself lucky that your "friend" has let you know what's really important in her world.  As for her being your MOH:  that's a tough decision.  I really don't have an answer.  I guess you can be the bigger person and keep her in your wedding, and then let the friendship run its course.

But it sounds pretty damaged already.

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicked-out-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e59173-01e0-44f5-86aa-838e6bb8a003Post:9fa6f376-15de-4e7f-a921-def43ffd6369">kicked out pregnant bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]She also mentioned she still wanted me to buy a dress and be in the wedding colors so, I still look like I am part of the bridal party but, that I am more important than a bridesmaid to her and she wanted me to be her "right-hand man" and help her serve at the reception and help her get ready, etc. 
Posted by diybridemama[/QUOTE]

Basically you're not able enough to stand there for her ceremony, but you are able enough to be her unpaid servant, and you're supposed to buy your own uniform for the "job"?!  MOH or a even a good friend shouldn't be asked to do that. There was nothing wrong with your response, although it might have been better over the phone rather than over email (if you discuss such touchy subjects again I would suggest over the phone or in person).

As far your wedding goes, you could be the bigger person hold off on doing anything about your BP for now. I have to say though, I wouldn't fault you no matter you do. I would probably want to go to her wedding as a guest and wear the sexiest red (or if I was feeling particularly obnoxious, white) dress I could find. But more likely I would just fantasize about doing that.

mbcdefg

Oh geez. What a rotten thing she did to you

she e-mailed me back this afternoon. said she was sorry and how I hurt her with my cutting e-mail and how our friendship is being damaged and how friendship is more important than being a bridesmaid anyways and how she still wants me there for the wedding, etc. etc.

It was absolutely not wrong of you to call her out for being a selfish jerk, and this really sounds like a half-assed "apology" from her. She's accusing YOU of being hurtful in the e-mail you sent her? What a cvntrag.

Ditto everyone else who said to let things cool off for a while. If she still says that you can only attend as a guest/unpaid gopher, I would tell her to go fvck herself and she's no longer welcome at your wedding because she's a sad excuse for a friend.

orangecrush32

Wow. What a *****. She definitely isn't a friend if she's pulling this. And I like her "apology" very genuine. Honestly, I wouldn't even give her the week to realize that she's dumb *****. I'd tell her that it was nice of her to let you know how petty she was before you honored her with the MOH position in your wedding and that she would no longer be needed.

But I just can't stand people like her. If you don't want the friendship to end then don't listen to me.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicked-out-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e59173-01e0-44f5-86aa-838e6bb8a003Post:04c578af-3dcc-40ee-b6ca-577d11f62d6d">Re: kicked out pregnant bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am SO sorry this happened to you. Ditch the witch. She is NOT a friend. Oh...before you do it, tell her about this great board called The Knot. Young, fresh blood......
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Yes, yes. Send the child here. bwhahahaha.

stina93446

Wow, I'm sorry this happened to you. What she did was horrible. I think it was great that you told her how you felt. Just because she's a bride, she thinks that people need to just bend over backwards and obey her every command. I can't believe she had the gall to write you back though and that she was upset with your email. I'd think about this friendship long and hard....

tldh

I am so sorry she did this.  Her e.mail was totally uncalled for.  An apology does not place the blame on the person to whom the apology is issued.  Accommodating a pregnant woman does not include making her the Bride's Bitch For The Day,

I've said before that a wedding is like alcohol in that it will magnify a person's true personality. 

If you wait to throw her out of your BP, you are a better person than I am because I would have kicked the bitch to the curb as soon as I read that e.mail.

jaimed99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicked-out-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e59173-01e0-44f5-86aa-838e6bb8a003Post:58757287-aea8-4944-8303-a27260464d68">Re: kicked out pregnant bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. What a *****. She definitely isn't a friend if she's pulling this. And I like her "apology" very genuine. Honestly, I wouldn't even give her the week to realize that she's dumb *****.<strong> I'd tell her that it was nice of her to let you know how petty she was before you honored her with the MOH position in your wedding and that she would no longer be needed</strong>. But I just can't stand people like her. ;) If you don't want the friendship to end then don't listen to me.
Posted by orangecrush32[/QUOTE]

<div>This. Maybe she'll know how crappy she made you feel. I hate when people turn their shortcomings around to make the other party guilty.</div>

MairePoppy

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly by someone who you thought of as a friend.
Your honesty about the situation should have caused her to rethink her actions. By blaming you for the rift, she shows how immature she is. She should have apologized profusely for her rudeness and asked you to stay in the wp. I wouldn't attend this wedding at all, never mind being her unpaid help for the day.

IMO, she's not much of a friend. If you are ready to end the relationship (notice I didn't say friendship), then tell her you don't want her in your wedding party.

DNAtime

As someone who is not always so great a cutting the chord on friendships.....you could always attend her wedding as a guest and just not be her b!tch all day.  This is an option to compromise if you are unwilling the end the friendship with her. 
However, you are totally justified in skipping the wedding and the friendship, this is messed up. 
I would not keep her as your MOH, obviously she doen't think it is a big deal to cut a BM/MOH so she should be fine with it.  Theoretically speaking. 
Although I wasn't completely clear?  Have you already asked her to be your MOH? or were you just planning on it. In that case I would definitely not ask her to be in your WP and not think twice.

diybridemama

Thank you all for all your concerns, comments, and advice. After reading a ton of replys, I am grateful I posted and got other people's opinions on the matter. I have decided that I am not going to her wedding especially since it is cross country. 

BTW, This is not by any means how she normally acts and I am sure that someone else thinks that having a pregnant person in the wedding party will somehow hog attention as I noticed the following sentence in her e-mail last night as I was reading it to my fiance':

"If the tables were turned I would not even want to be up there at 7 1/2 mo with an attention belly on your day" 

I haven't responded to the e-mail or contacted her at all and probably am not going to for a very long time. 

Her fiance' is going into the military as soon as they get married and so, we already paid for our wedding photographer to fly in and be at their wedding because my fiance'  and I wanted to make sure that she had quality pictures to remember him by and their wedding day while he is in the service.

As far as her being my MOH (which I asked of her before she asked me to be her bridesmaid), I am not sure what to do about that situation. I can't imagine replacing anyone in my wedding party and even if they were pregnant, I wouldn't want to walk down the aisle without them especially if they were up for it. 

I am so happy to know that I wasn't over-reacting and that it's not just pregnancy hormones. 

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Thank you all for all your concerns, comments, and advice. After reading a ton of replys, I am grateful I posted and got other people's opinions on the matter. I have decided that I am not going to her wedding especially since it is cross country.  BTW, This is not by any means how she normally acts and I am sure that someone else thinks that having a pregnant person in the wedding party will somehow hog attention as I noticed the following sentence in her e-mail last night as I was reading it to my fiance': "If the tables were turned I would not even want to be up there at 7 1/2 mo with an attention belly on your day"   I haven't responded to the e-mail or contacted her at all and probably am not going to for a very long time.  Her fiance' is going into the military as soon as they get married and so, we already paid for our wedding photographer to fly in and be at their wedding because my fiance'  and I wanted to make sure that she had quality pictures to remember him by and their wedding day while he is in the service. As far as her being my MOH (which I asked of her before she asked me to be her bridesmaid), I am not sure what to do about that situation. I can't imagine replacing anyone in my wedding party and even if they were pregnant, I wouldn't want to walk down the aisle without them especially if they were up for it.  I am so happy to know that I wasn't over-reacting and that it's not just pregnancy hormones. 
Posted by diybridemama[/QUOTE]

YOU paid for your photographer to shoot her wedding?  If you decide to end the friendship, I'd cancel that (or reduce the package) and reschedule the photographer to do something extra for you, like a pro album, engagement session or a series of baby pictures (newborn, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year).

Personally, if someone kicked me out of a wedding for being pregnant and said all of the other things she did as well - especially without offering to pay back an expensive service I'd gifted to her- that friendship would be over.  She is either going bridezilla out of the blue or she is showing her true colors.

Decide whether you want to continue the friendship.  If you opt to end it, it should be understood that she's no longer your MOH.

You're right in saying that you should not replace a WP member, so if you end the friendship, do not choose a new MOH and do not add anyone to the WP.  It's fine to have all BMs, just as it's fine to have non-even sides or  non-matching shoes.

megandjay

This is terrible! I am so sorry, what a horrible way to be treated just for having a baby! I would also not have her as MOH, I think that is a given. I don't think you need to email/call or anything to inform her of this obvious fact. And you are right that you don't have to replace her.

bablingbrooke

I can't believe she booted you after you paid for her photographer!  Put a stop-payment on that check ASAP.  Or have the photographer fly out to do some pre-natal beauty shots of you.  Then send a framed one to the evil bride as a wedding gift

In all seriousness, good on you for not going to the wedding.  No amount wedding-induced craziness justifies this, and you've learned a lot about her character.  Sorry it had to happen this way, but I'm sure you've dodged a bullet.

ETA: And yes, don't replace her, just go minus-one at the wedding.  You won't regret uneven sides--we had them and have no regrets.

lalap69

This bride is absolutely ridiculous.  No, I definitely don't think you're over-reacting and I think it's a wise decision not to attend the wedding.  I also agree with PP that she can pay for her own photographer - ask the phototographer to do a maternity, newborn or family lifestyle shoot with you instead.

Definitely don't replace her, just have uneven sides and no MOH.

What a sorry excuse for a friend.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicked-out-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e59173-01e0-44f5-86aa-838e6bb8a003Post:51c8e0f3-4e1f-4522-9db1-27622ea3a56b">Re: kicked out pregnant bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe she booted you after you paid for her photographer!  Put a stop-payment on that check ASAP.  <strong>Or have the photographer fly out to do some pre-natal beauty shots of you.  Then send a framed one to the evil bride as a wedding gift :)</strong>In all seriousness, good on you for not going to the wedding.  No amount wedding-induced craziness justifies this, and you've learned a lot about her character.  Sorry it had to happen this way, but I'm sure you've dodged a bullet. ETA: And yes, don't replace her, just go minus-one at the wedding.  You won't regret uneven sides--we had them and have no regrets.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I like!!!

She would have really hated my SIL's one BM: 40 weeks pregnant with twins on the wedding day.  Everyone kept an eye on her so we could be sure to help her immediately if she needed anything.

jenn.daniel

oh my, she's a horrible friend.

graysquirrel

That is just disgusting, especially since she makes it seem like she's doing you a favor. Here's something for her to think about: if you're too PG to stand up in front of people for a half hour, then you're definitely too PG to be her little b*tch for the day. She shouldn't expect a thing from you. No, you are not out of line at all!

megk8oz

Your "friend" isn't really a "friend" at all. In fact, she kinda-sorta-maybe-totally sucks.

Don't for a moment think she had your best interests in mind here. She clearly was just afraid of you "stealing her thunder" ... I mean, who even says something like "Oh, well, if I were you, I couldn't imagine trying to steal the bride's thunder with a baby bump"? Seriously. Thinking it is bad enough, but to actually say it? Gah! I want to go smack this chick. I'm thinking that her fears of you fainting are more her being afraid "ZOMG, people are going to look at her instead of me" than they are of her being afraid for your actual health.

This girl is just a shallow, stupid AW. Cancel her photography package (Or like PP said, use the package for yourself: maybe upgrade your own wedding package, get some e-pics done, or photos for the new baby), do not pay for this wench to have nice wedding photos that she doesn't want you in. I'm seriously thinking she's only offering you this "brideslave" position is so you won't take her precious pictures away. If you weren't paying for her photographer, I'm willing to bet there wouldn't have been this half-assed attempt at some "consolation prize" position.

And yeah, if you couldn't guess, I'm also voting she be booted from your WP. I see no reason to continue a friendship with somebody who's so wrapped up in being the princess for 6 hours that she's afraid of a fetus stealing the spotlight.

SCogs18

You absolutely did the right thing in telling her how much she hurt your feelings.  Since she knew you were pregnant when she asked you to be her bridesmaid she also had to know you would be getting bigger over the next several months.  I have a feeling she's being selfish and more worried about her photos than your friendship.  This could be from the stress of plannig her own wedding or perhaps she's not the girl you thought she was.

I would suggest you call her or meet for lunch.  If you can't talk it through when you are both calm and prepaired then you can decide if you want to attend her wedding.  However, I would suggest you attend if you can find it in you.  I have had fights with female friends in the past and gone months without speaking and made up later.  Just make sure you don't do something you may regret in the future.

If your wedding isn't for a while and you have the luxury to see how this situaions plays out I wouldn't bring up her being (or not being) your maid of honor.  If your friendship does sour, you can always take the title from her later, but if you make up, you will be glad you didn't.

8daysaweek

"Attention Belly?" Really? Is that a phrase people use and I've just never heard of it? For some reason, I found that particularly appalling. Which is actually quite a feat considering how appalling her overall behavior is.

PPs are absolutely right that you are 100 percent justified in ending the friendship, not going to the wedding, canceling the photographer and not having her as your MOH. Of course where you do all those things is totally your call and what is right for you might not be what's right for everyone

Good friends are excited for their pregnant friends and concerned about their comfort, not thinking "That b!tch is going to steal my thunder!"

I would be tempted to go with a bottle of water in my purse and throw some on the ground in the middle of her vows and scream "Oh my God! My water broke! I'm having a baby!"

tidetravel

NO.  FREAKING. WAY. 

Use your photographer for maternity pictures or newborn pics.  No way in hell would I pay for that hosebeast to have pretty pictures that you cannot even be in, especially since she was the one suggeting that you couldn't be there because you would screw them up with your preggo belly.  No way.

I would cancel tomorrow, and may or may not mention it to her.   

phut_action

When I first read your post it was pretty awful, and I dont think she was right to ask you to back out, but I have to ask... is she asking because of her concerns for your safety or concerns about the appearance of her bridal party? I know she said you wouldn't look good in the dress they picked but its the fainting comment I'm wondering about. That's a terrible comment to make, yes, but I'm wondering if she was worried for your health and safety more than how you'd look in the dress. Still, she should've made it your choice, asked you if you felt up to the task of standing with her through the ceremony. 

Since I dont know your friend I can't guess to her true motivation for "demoting" you to a day-of assistant, but my suggestion is that you try to ask her what her real concern is, and if its really for the look, then forget her, she's not a true friend. If it was for you then maybe you talk more about it and tell her you'd be up for it, it means a lot to you to be a part of her wedding and that you can better control your hyperglycemia and you feel confident that physically you can handle it. 

p.s.- I hope it all works out cuz I think pregnant bridesmaids are ADORABLE. 

trix1223

phut:  if BSC "friend" was really worried about diybridemama's health, she wouldn't have asked her to be her PA for the wedding. 

If BSC "friend" was really worried about diybridemama's health, she wouldn't have made the comment about how she wouldn't be a BM with an "attention belly".

If BSC "friend" was reaaly worried about diybridemama's health, she would have asked her if she was comfortable being a BM in the wedding.

This has NOTHING to do with BSC "friend" being sweet and concerned about diybridemama's health.  This has EVERYTHING to do with BSC "friend" being, well....BSC.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicked-out-pregnant-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a2e59173-01e0-44f5-86aa-838e6bb8a003Post:ec0802cb-3b0c-4f6d-9772-8ae054cdc960">Re: kicked out pregnant bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]phut:  if BSC "friend" was really worried about diybridemama's health, she wouldn't have asked her to be her PA for the wedding.  If BSC "friend" was really worried about diybridemama's health, she wouldn't have made the comment about how she wouldn't be a BM with an "attention belly". If BSC "friend" was reaaly worried about diybridemama's health, she would have asked her if she was comfortable being a BM in the wedding. This has NOTHING to do with BSC "friend" being sweet and concerned about diybridemama's health.  This has EVERYTHING to do with BSC "friend" being, well....BSC.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ditto. Like I had said, I'm pretty sure the "fainting" concern is more "If she faints, people will be looking at her instead of <strong>me!" </strong>I know sometimes it's really hard to imagine that some people are really that self-centered, especially when we, personally, are not ... but there really are people that have that kind of mentality.

I would have been willing to believe it was true concern for her health, and not being concerned about the focus being taken off of the bride ... but again, "friend" essentially said "I wouldn't dream of trying to upstaging the bride with my pregnant belly" and then offered her a "consolation prize" position (That really is no prize at all) that requires more physical effort than being the MOH.

bablingbrooke

If the bride was truly concerned about her friend's help, she wouldn't be expecting her to still fly cross-country in her third trimester to help set up and clean up.  This bride is insane.

Manwaithiel

*jawdrop*

I don't know how I missed all of your follow ups...I either want to vomit or go punch her in the head. Is she serious? How does she still have friends? My friends would have slapped me a new one (along with my mother and sister and FI) for suggesting such nonsense.

Drop her like a bad habit, sweetie. Maybe that'll be enough to get the message across.

EDIT: And DO NOT pay for her photos. No freaking way.

jjalthoff

Wow. All I can say is wow. That is terrible and quite honestly, not sure I would consider her much of a friend because no one would treat a true friend that way.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_flamable-confession?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:393fdd21-0303-4c06-8c0f-c05967ed30b0Post:3f9373cb-297b-4ada-93ac-6cc8cedc3bf3">Re: Flamable Confession</a>:
[QUOTE]Confession... Even though I know "Stephanie' is like one of the 5 most popular names around... it confuses the sh.t out of me when someone else has a "stephxxx" sn. IT"S MY NAME.
Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

I could've done it, but I didn't. You're welcome.