Catholic wedding

waterfalllady84

I am a Roman Catholic who has recieved all of the appropriate sacraments. I also teach at a Catholic school. However, I have to admit I don't attend church except for when I have to take my class.  My fiancee is baptized Catholic and was very Catholic growing up, but is no longer practicing and now he seems anti-religious.  Despite this, we are very compatible.  He said he would agree to be married in a Catholic church if they let us. Do you think they will let us?  We also live together but we are both still virgins. We live together for purely economical reasons.

Calypso1977

they should still marry you, but im sure they will want to probe you a bit more to find out why you dont attend any longer.  they will most likely encourage both of you to attend mass more often during your engagement period as you prepare for your sacrament.

they will also inquire as to your intentions with children, in terms of whether you plan to raise them in teh catholic faith.

lalaith50

when you get married in a Catholic Church, you also agree to raise your children Catholic. If your FI is "anti-religious," I'm not sure why you would want to get married in a Catholic church.

waterfalllady84

We don't plan to have children, although we won't be using birth control. If we do have children, they will be raised Catholic.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:c681aa82-fefa-44f1-9323-a0ce850c6e9b">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't plan to have children, although we won't be using birth control. If we do have children, they will be raised Catholic.
Posted by waterfalllady84[/QUOTE]

That's quite the risk you are running... without using birth control you will probably get pregnant eventually.

chelseamb11

Also, the living together might not work.  It depends on the priest.  My fiance and I wanted to do the same thing (live together while remaining virgins) but Father refuses to marry us even if we abstain. We have to live apart this year which is economically stupid. You might want to check on that first.

monkeysip

"That's quite the risk you are running... without using birth control you will probably get pregnant eventually."

I don't know what the OP was intending on doing (NFP, nothing, ?), but NFP is just as effective as contraception, if used correctly.  Although I am curious as to why she's already made up her mind that they won't have children.

OP, I'm sure you'll find a priest to marry you despite the living together or lack of consistent mass attendance... but only if you're marrying for the right reasons.  Getting married in the Catholic Church is a solemn and sacred event, so make sure that you're not doing it just because you feel pressure from anyone or any other questionable reason.

It sounds like you need some spiritual counseling to help you figure out what it is that you really want and believe.  Just be honest with the priest that you speak with, and he'll help you out.  Hope it goes well!

Calypso1977

That's quite the risk you are running... without using birth control you will probably get pregnant eventually.

if you are saying this because you think she'll be practicing NFP, then you are making a very ignorant statement.

if you say this because you think she will nto be using any method of birth control (artificial or natural) then sure, she most likely wil get pregnant.

jazzybacc

We live together but honestly it never really even came up, and we're still getting married.  I think priests are coming around to the fact that it's just so old fashioned these days.  Some will just suggest you live in separate rooms until the wedding.

MissOwl

yep. they will marry you but they will for sure want to know more, just as other pp have stated.

waterfalllady84

****deleting personal information***************8

BrideBling82

This is why we shouldn't make comments if we don't know the whole story. Chat boards seem to twist questions from being concerned to be being judgmental. Hey Waterfall if God decides your having children regardless of your condition then you will have children. No worries

waterfalllady84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:fa609de0-c91e-4891-b739-470200768ba8">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] Hey Waterfall if God decides your having children regardless of your condition then you will have children. No worries :)
Posted by BrideBling82[/QUOTE]

That's exactly how I feel, though I have accepted that I may not have children. Thank you.

lisa89760

My FI and I live together and it was never a problem with the church.  We even used the same address and they never asked. 

Riss91

You've gotten a lot of great advice! I think you should be able to be married in the Church. Just be upfront with your priest and he will guide you.

Re: Birth control/children -  I don't think the ladies here were being judgmental, I think they were responding out of concern. Many times, we hear stories of people who are not responsible or are uneducated about natural/artificial birth control methods and have suffered horribly because of it. I think (most of) the ladies were attempting to share information to prevent OP from any future trouble. It seems that she didn't need the help after all!

Sorry, it just bothers me when people throw the "judgment" card out there, when it simply isn't the case.

agapecarrie

Just another comment to hopefully help the situation.... When you talk to the priest, don't say "we don't plan to have children"....because a permanent intention against children can invalidate a marriage. Be honest about the situation that you are open to life, won't use abc, and your health.

Calypso1977

Be honest about the situation that you are open to life, won't use abc, and your health.

i dont think she has to give the priest details about her health.  i think leaving it at being open to life is sufficient.  he probably wont even ask for specifics.  our priest just asked if we were open to, and prepared for, children.

Amynutrition

Our priest asked us if we were able to conceive. I don't what would happen if we said no... But it is a very conservative parish.

He asked us about FIVE TIMES if we were ever married before in any capacity to each other or anyone else (I'm 27, FI is 32) and we still both need notarized letters from our parents swearing we've never been married!

Best thing to do is meet with the priest and discuss it.

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:3d6dc623-1080-467c-a602-937fa0969432">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Our priest asked us if we were able to conceive. </strong>I don't what would happen if we said no... But it is a very conservative parish. He asked us about FIVE TIMES if we were ever married before in any capacity to each other or anyone else (I'm 27, FI is 32) and we still both need notarized letters from our parents swearing we've never been married! Best thing to do is meet with the priest and discuss it.
Posted by Amynutrition[/QUOTE]

That's an odd question for a priest to ask. I can understand them asking if you were open to having children, but, assuming you are following Church rules and remaining abstinent before marriage, you wouldn't know for sure that were able to conceive. You could know that your health conditions reduce your chances, but no one (even the presumably healthy) knows they can conceive until they have actually done it. Furthermore, the inability to conceive doesn't preclude you from being married... however, knowing you are perpetually impotent is a different story. I see those as two separate things.

bibliophile2010

Amy, I'm sure your priest is just concerned that he is going to help you enter into a valid marriage. If it makes you feel better, we both had to get affidavits from two family members, plus complete the sworn personal version.

OP -- I would reword your statement about kids (at least for your priest) as "we are probably unable to have kids." Be honest if the priest if he asks further questions. I understand not wanting to air dirty laundry on a message board, but your priest will want to ensure, like above, that your marriage will be valid. My guess is that living together won't prove to be a problem, especially since you are already remaining chaste while doing so.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:17edcd96-da96-41e9-a37b-c79263acb299">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]That's quite the risk you are running... without using birth control you will probably get pregnant eventually. if you are saying this because you think she'll be practicing NFP, then you are making a very ignorant statement.<strong> if you say this because you think she will nto be using any method of birth control (artificial or natural) then sure, she most likely wil get pregnant.</strong>
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>bingo :) I consider NFP to be birth control because it does what other birth controls do: helps you prevent pregnancy.  but I also agree with PP.. you might want to make sure Catholic is truly the way you want to go, as part of most (if not all) Catholic vows have you say "i will" to accepting children into your life as God's gifts

</div>

chelseamb11

And I didn't read the rest of the line of comments before my previous comment.  As to the not being able to ovulate, I agree that the Priest didn't really need to ask IF you can have children, so you shouldn't have to tell him that.  That's about as strange as a priest asking you how often you make love to your husband once you're married.  AKA none of his business.  Just as long as you are open to it, that's the way to go.  And as PP said.. if God wants you to have children, it will happen.  It's all in His plan!

doctabroccoli

*Waves at Calypso from the Boston airport* Waterfall, what is it about your fiancé that seems anti-religious? Are there specific things he says/does?

jazzybacc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:3d6dc623-1080-467c-a602-937fa0969432">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Our priest asked us if we were able to conceive.</strong> I don't what would happen if we said no... But it is a very conservative parish. He asked us about FIVE TIMES if we were ever married before in any capacity to each other or anyone else (I'm 27, FI is 32) and we still both need notarized letters from our parents swearing we've never been married! Best thing to do is meet with the priest and discuss it.
Posted by Amynutrition[/QUOTE]


We had to do a questionairre that had something similar on it.  Something like "Do you have any reason to doubt that you'll be able to reproduce"

The church believes the reason for marriage is to produce offspring.  While it may be an outdated question, it is still relevant.  I doubt they would prevent anyone from getting married, even if they KNEW for certain they couldn't bear children.

Riss91

"Are you able to conceive?" is a very different question than "Do you have any reason to doubt that you'll be able to reproduce?"

Jasmine&Rajah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:8b57eb7f-19eb-4426-95d1-41b61895dbd8">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]We live together but honestly it never really even came up, and we're still getting married.  I think priests are coming around to the fact that it's just so old fashioned these days. 
Posted by jazzybacc[/QUOTE]

I have to say that this comment rubs me the wrong way.  The implication is that being "old-fashioned" in this respect is a negative thing.

monkeysip

Yeah, I caught that too, Jasmine.  

"Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect." (Rom 12:2)

bibliophile2010

Thanks monkey and Jasmine. I felt the same way, but didn't know how to comment nicely.

waterfalllady84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:452b86d5-6bda-495d-93bd-b51c085e6423Post:65cc95d3-8bfd-482d-b0a3-1b04d896afd1">Re: Catholic wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]*Waves at Calypso from the Boston airport* Waterfall, what is it about your fiancé that seems anti-religious? Are there specific things he says/does?
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

He has just lost his faith. I don't know how to help him restore it, except by example.

Calypso1977

docta, whatcha doing in Boston? you staying or passing through?

yeah, teh old fashioned thing annoyed me too.  but whatevs.

i also think its very erroneous when folks say "the priest doesnt care at all that we live together".  i guarantee you they do, but they are stlil happy to marry you.

caiti2u

Just a couple words from my own experience. 

FI and I live together, and when priest brought this up he told us how the church "frowned upon" living together before marriage, but pretty much left it at that. 

We have also already gone to Pre-Cana, and during the NFP talk, they did touch on infertile couples. I don't remember exact wording, but I think it was basically that if you were open to having children it (whether or not you could) was ok, but non-natural ways of prevention/conception were not...