Long Engagements

Britt1893

Anyone having a long engagement? How long? T and I originally decided on 5 years. It seemed like the right amount of time to get our Bachelors Degrees. We will be engaged for a year on June 3rd. And it looks like our wedding will be sooner than expected! We are looking at a 2014/2015 engagement! So how long is your engagement? What factors played into the deciding factor? When did you choose a date?

firsttimersluck

Then why be "engaged" ? 

To me it just sounds like young college kids wanting the promise that it represents without being actually ready for marriage.

Britt1893

We are ready for marriage? We wanted to be engaged, we want to be married. We are actually deciding whether or not to elope now and have a celebration later on. It was a next step in a relationship. Why does anyone get engaged for that matter? Its because you're ready for the next step. We chose to wait so we could plan, slowly but surely. We are both still in school and we don't want to have stressful semesters, stressful jobs (he is working 3 jobs now), and planning a  wedding. We haven't set a venue or year (we know the date is November 19th, just not 2014 or 2015) because we wanted to wait for out bachelors degrees that way we would have a better chance of making a career for our future together. Its a decision that we made as a couple. I'm sure there are many others like it. Being "young college kids" have nothing to do with it. Why did you decide to stay engaged for as long as you did?

erollis

Five years is a really long time. We had a long engagement because we wanted to do most of the work/ wedding planning/ DIY/ be better financially for our long distance wedding. I was (still am) in school and DH works full time (still does) during this time. Our engagement lasted 2 years and was long enough. 

FYI, DH and I had promise rings since we started dating over 10 years ago. Those wrings were replaced by our wedding bands & E ring. 

It seems silly to be engaged for 5 years. Is there anything holding you back from getting married sooner? Plenty of people get married while in school. I am not saying everyone who is engaged this long is silly because some people may have extenuating circumstances that cause it to be that long.

erollis

I see I posted while you were posting. 3 jobs and going to college is a lot for any one person. I can understand why you want to take longer because you two sound like there is a ton on your plates. 

I think if you really want a small ceremony now (you two, parents, siblings and a couple great friends at he court house) then have an anniversary party & vow renewal 5 years later with a ton of people go for it. That sounds like a great idea. 

Having your degree does not grantee things will be better right away. After graduating you will have some more time on your hands though. It is your decision and I hope whatever you choose works out well for you.

Britt1893

"Five years is a really long time. We had a long engagement because we wanted to do most of the work/ wedding planning/ DIY/ be better financially for our long distance wedding. I was (still am) in school and DH works full time (still does) during this time. Our engagement lasted 2 years and was long enough.

FYI, DH and I had promise rings since we started dating over 10 years ago. Those wrings were replaced by our wedding bands & E ring.

It seems silly to be engaged for 5 years. Is there anything holding you back from getting married sooner? Plenty of people get married while in school. I am not saying everyone who is engaged this long is silly because some people may have extenuating circumstances that cause it to be that long."


This. Except we aren't having a destination wedding. We are planning, we have the idea of what we want, and we are going for it. I am working full time at a resturant and a full time student. He is working 3 jobs, all full time and a full time student as well. Luckily for me, it is looking like a 2014 wedding, but its not set in stone. We may decide to have a 2015 wedding. It may seem silly to others but we have our reasons. I may have a 3 year engagement vs. a 5 year engagement afterall!

Britt1893

Thank you very much Erollis It seems we were posting together too. lol

nextrightthing

We'll be engaged for 22 months, but only because we are saving to pay for it ourselves and don't want to go into debt to do so.    Congrats!

Psych819

My engagement will be 2 years and 9 months.  Having a long engagement due to financial reasons and school to me is fine. Do what you feel is best for you guys cause in the end it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Just enjoy and do what you feel is right. Congrats and good luck.

jemmini6

Generally, getting engaged means you are planning a wedding in the near future.  Some take a little longer than others due to schedules, finances, etc, but 5 years is a little excessive because that's not 'near' future.  In the end, it's no one's business but your own, but it will strike people as a little odd, so you'll just need to be prepared for that.

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_long-engagements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f67fff36-ddcb-4b39-8e08-fb2efa66ddffPost:5f018328-e0a7-4f88-ab89-0451c02f869f">Re: Long Engagements</a>:
[QUOTE]We are ready for marriage? We wanted to be engaged, we want to be married. We are actually deciding whether or not to elope now and have a celebration later on. It was a next step in a relationship. Why does anyone get engaged for that matter? Its because you're ready for the next step. We chose to wait so we could plan, slowly but surely. We are both still in school and we don't want to have stressful semesters, stressful jobs (he is working 3 jobs now), and planning a  wedding. We haven't set a venue or year (we know the date is November 19th, just not 2014 or 2015)<strong><u> because we wanted to wait for out bachelors degrees that way we would have a better chance of making a career for our future together.</u></strong> Its a decision that we made as a couple. I'm sure there are many others like it. Being "young college kids" have nothing to do with it. Why did you decide to stay engaged for as long as you did?
Posted by Britt1893[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you're ready for marriage, why would you wait so long? Doesn't that imply that you aren't quite ready for marriage? Marriage isn't JUST about an emotional state. It's about financial, work, life in general as well. That's all I'm saying. </div><div>The "next step" from dating is marriage IMO, not an engagement. Engagement (to me) is just a term meaning that a couple is ready for marriage RIGHT NOW and is planning their wedding. It gives people a heads up that there is a wedding in the near future they will be going to (especially if a lot of people are from OOT, since they need more of a heads up). </div><div>
</div><div>I'm also confused as to the bolded part. By that logic, you are implying that if you get married before you finish your BA/BS degrees your chances of careers lesson? Or do you mean, you just want to have a degree under your belt? Because a marriage wouldn't affect your chance of  a career, YOU affect your chance of a career. </div><div>Ultimately, to each their own. If you feel you need that long of an "engagement" then go for it.. but I still have the belief that you shouldn't start planning that far out. Don't pick your WP, don't start buying colored stuff, don't pick your wedding gown, etc until you are only a year out.. A LOT changes in 4/5 years. </div><div>
</div><div>We stayed engaged as long as we did because I wanted at least 6 months to plan a wedding (since I was also in college and knew I had to be able to balance the two) and he had to work about the Navy's schedule for him. H picked a date that was meaningful (anniv. of the day we met) and worked with both of our schedules. 

</div>

Annas2013

5 years is a really long time.  Our engagement will be a year and a half (almost) by the time we get married.  It was going to be 2 years, but due to me not needing the extra semester of college we could move it forward.  I'm not sure why you didn't just date for longer though.  Being engaged is awesome, but I don't know how you or anyone else could stay excited about it for 5 years, especially when there's not much to really plan until you get to a year out.  A 3 year engagement isn't horrible, but yet again, you can't do much until a year out.

Also getting married before you have a career does not affect your chance to have a career.  And there are a lot of people who get married during school.  

Ultimately the choice is yours, but as long as you stand by your choice that's all that matters.  And that y'all feel it is the right one.  But be prepared for people to ask you why you're going to be engaged so long.

mpaone24

Our engagement will be 2 years and 10 months.  I say to each their own.  Everyone's circumstances are different.  

When we first got engaged, we had no idea when we would be able to set a date because my salary isn't the greatest and he was freelancing.  But in the past couple of months things changed greatly.  I received a semi-decent raise LOL and my FI was hired full-time by the company he freelanced for so it worked out.

Britt1893

We would like a degree under our belt. We are paying for the wedding on our own. We want to have a large wedding. With my parents being divorced and both remarried, we are close to everyone. We made a mock guest list the other night, 439 people so far! Doesn't mean everyone is going to be able to make it. Unfortunatley, I had to cross off 2 family members already, (both passed away this week). I am not saying our marriage will work with degrees. I am saying that school is very important to us. We are the first children in our families to earn Bachelors degrees. That in itself is an accomplishment for us. It may sound silly but please understand that we ORIGNIALLY decided on 5 years. The wedding will most likely be 3 years from now. We are planning. I read the etiquette (thank God!) So I understand the WP, Venue and dress times. Plus, I recieved a wedding planner from my FMIL soon after the engagement, which it also had that information in it too! (thank God). But, I am glad I can turn to you ladies (and any gentlemen) for information. I am glad that everyone has different opinions.

julib33

I love the idea of long engagements. I also don't think it's silly to be engaged for 5 years, be engaged for as long as you want!!!!
We will be engaged for 2.5 years by the time we are married and I love the timeline. We were debating on summer of 2013 or 2014 and decided on 14 so we would have longer to plan because we aren't sure where we will be living by the end of this summer.
I also told him he couldn't propose until AFTER I graduated college (he actually proposed 3 weeks early but I still said yes, lol) because I knew I'd be way too over stressed trying to plan and graduate.
I think it's smart that you're waiting until after college.

My sister has been engaged for 7 years. They're happy where they are at. They're trying to save money, plan, etc. and it looks like they will finally be getting married next summer. Even if they decide to wait longer it's no big deal; they'll still be engaged and happy

JaniV123

congrats! 

there is absolutely nothing wrong with a long engagement, especially if its to finish college. 

we are gettin married in 2015, so its a 3 year engagement. 

he will give me my ring prob in early 2014. we are waiting that long because I graduate in 2014, he graduates either this deccember or the next, and we could be moving to the states so i go to med school, so he wantsa  steady job before marriage, since it will be a 1 salary househol + loans 

and there is a lot you can plan ahead without making any payments or buying anything. 

we are doing research on EVERYTHING. we live on an island and we would like a beach front reception, so we are just going to be looking up places and making a top 3 list, then from there on, no planning until at least december, when they will open one oof the possible venues and we go see it. but no payments will be made until 2014 

devilishangel61401

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_long-engagements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:f67fff36-ddcb-4b39-8e08-fb2efa66ddffPost:bd16879c-0aaa-4d1c-8e82-b71c810fee58">Re: Long Engagements</a>:
[QUOTE]We would like a degree under our belt. We are paying for the wedding on our own. We want to have a large wedding. With my parents being divorced and both remarried, we are close to everyone. We made a mock guest list the other night, 439 people so far! Doesn't mean everyone is going to be able to make it. Unfortunatley, I had to cross off 2 family members already, (both passed away this week). I am not saying our marriage will work with degrees. I am saying that school is very important to us. We are the first children in our families to earn Bachelors degrees. That in itself is an accomplishment for us. It may sound silly but please understand that we ORIGNIALLY decided on 5 years. The wedding will most likely be 3 years from now. We are planning. I read the etiquette (thank God!) So I understand the WP, Venue and dress times. Plus, I recieved a wedding planner from my FMIL soon after the engagement, which it also had that information in it too! (thank God). But, I am glad I can turn to you ladies (and any gentlemen) for information. I am glad that everyone has different opinions.
Posted by Britt1893[/QUOTE]


Hi I dont think thats too long at all but thats just me. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />  Im helping one of my bff's plan her 6th yes I did say 6 th wedding she's always had short engagments. 

My bf and I have dated for 10 years and are just now talking about "someday getting married"  I've been married before and I left because my marraige was abusive, bf's been engaged a few times and said shortly after he proposed he got left and had his heart broken so neither of us are in a huge hurry I guess but thats just us.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" /> I have been in therapy  for a long while to work on all my ptsd that I have from being in an abusive marriage and just now  feel like I'd be open to the idea of being married again.

I can understand wanting to wait till school is done though, I may be wrong but don't you get more money for school if you're single??  Congrats though and good luck with everything.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

koikana

I proposed to my bf almost 2 weeks ago- and I was the one who suggested we wait 3 years- I am disabled, living on $800 a month, and trying to go into college so I can actually get a job, he's trying to find a job that pays more and doesn't cause him stress, and figure out how to go back to school. We need to save up money for the wedding- doing crafty bits and giving up on certain dreams only takes you so far- and it gives us time to move in together, and enjoy being engaged, and start studying and planning for our married life.

This is what works for us. I saw no reason to keep waiting to become engaged just because it'd be a long time. Engagement to me is a promise to marry. That is WHY we got engaged. I ordered a couple <$10 rings for us, but mostly it is about us and our love.

HobokensFury

We were engaged 1 day shy of 22 months.  The last 6 months were unbearable.  I think 5 years is excessive.

eliseboutin

Congrats! I say be engaged as long as you want! My fiancé proposed to me a year ago. We have been together for six years. I decided to go back to school two years ago and I’ll be receiving a degree May 2014. Our wedding is in 2013. It’s totally stressful going to school and working full time while planning a wedding. I wish we would have planned a 2014 date so I’d be finished with my degree. Not because I’m not TOTALLY excited to spend the rest of my life with my fiancé but because it would have taken the stress out of something that’s supposed to be enjoyable not “pulling your hair out” stressful. Do what’s right for you and your fiancé!

holidaytiltomorrow

My fiance and I got engaged Christmas 2010 and we're getting married January 18th 2014. So a little over 3 years. We're waiting so long for a few reasons. 1) We want to get married in Winter. 2) We want to be done with college. 3) We want to have time to plan things out. 4) Some people rush into it, and we didn't want to do that.  I am aware of how badly a wedding can go when things are not planned well and guests are not thought of.

The weekend after I got engaged, my mom and sister bought bridal shower invitations without calling me. My sister was very excited for us and got us a wedding binder with a bunch of info in it (she got married a couple months before I got engaged) for our Family Christmas (which is usually in January). A couple months later I went to try on wedding dresses to get an idea of what I liked on my body type so when I go wedding dress shopping for real, I know kind of what I like. Since then I've been planning it slowly. We booked our DJ a couple months ago. We have our Venue picked out (we've visited there 2 times and are in the process of coming up with the money to book it). We have to go visit our photographer before we book them. We have our colors picked, our ceremony songs picked, part of our centerpieces bought and all the bridal shower gifts bought and we're still a year and a half out. 

Chloeagh

A bunch of people on TK have said that if you have decided to get married and are talking about it, you're engaged. By that logic, I will have a 4 1/2 year engagement. In reality, it will be 3 years, since while we were talking and making plans, he only proposed and gave me a ring a few months ago. So don't listen to people that say it's too long. When you're a student, especially if you are also working, you have a lot of time constraints. I would get married tomorrow if I could, but I can't, so I'm waiting 3 years.

Some people will say it's too long, some will say you aren't allowed to be unofficially engaged, so just call it an engagement no matter when the wedding is or even if he's proposed. I say you can define your relationship how you want. If you have a plan to get married and want to be engaged so you can tell that plan to other people, go for it.

runpipparun

5 years? Wowzers. Maybe wait on that 439-person guest list. Anything can happen in 5 years. You may not even know where some of those people are in five years, or care where they are. Five years ago, my guest list looked very, VERY different from what it looks like now. Not too mention that my groom is a tremendous upgrade now. I traded in my college fiance for someone different, more mature, less self-centered, more respectful of me, easier to communicate with, cleaner, more thoughtful, more family oriented (need I go on?)... It was horrible to go through that, because I never thought we'd be apart, but J seriously eclipses my ex in every single way, partially, I think, because I've grown up, too.

Your early twenties are a tremendous time for personal growth and change. As long as you give each other the space to grow and change, and respect each other for the people you will become, you'll be perfectly fine. Marriage is all about accepting life's changes and growing together, even if you become people that are more different from one another. All too often, though, couples make promises when they are young because they are afraid of losing one another, and they aren't prepared for the seismic shifts that occur during college and the early-to-mid twenties when everyone is striking out on their own and discovering who they want to be. Statistically, this is when people find a new religion or lose it entirely, gain 20 lbs, pick up crazy new obsessions like swing dancing, etc. It's the time in people's lives when the vast majority of mood disorders (bipolar, depression) and mental illnesses (schizophrenia) manifest. Anything can happen that may change the way you look at your partner.

Whomever said that people would look at this with a questioning eye, I'll agree with that. It slightly rings of desperation to me, like you are trying to prove something to somebody, as opposed to what an engagment is traditionally used for. It's too early to begin planning (you can't book venues or vendors 5 years out), so why do it other than to make a statement? Maybe it's not, but that is the way it reads.

Britt1893

Well ladies, we did it! We decided on 2014! We also discussed the date! November 19th, 2014!!!!!! 3 year engagement total.

skurtz04

Congrats on picking your date! We also had a long engagement (just shy of 3 years)

expats14

Congrats on picking your date!   

We were planning on having a long engagement because of timing/travel/school, but things have come together in the past few weeks so that we're going to have about a year and half engagement (the mind...it boggles).  I see nothing wrong with the longer engagements.  I'm just neurotic and like to plan, so if I had five years, I would probably replan everything at least ten times.

eirwyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_long-engagements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:f67fff36-ddcb-4b39-8e08-fb2efa66ddffPost:e2140e1b-7906-4e1c-a3e7-c23ac31929d7">Re: Long Engagements</a>:
[QUOTE]Well ladies, we did it! We decided on 2014! We also discussed the date! November 19th, 2014!!!!!! 3 year engagement total.
Posted by Britt1893[/QUOTE]

Congratulations!

I know you'd like to have 439 people there, but do you realize that means you'll be paying approximately $40,000 (or more) for JUST the food and alcohol? I mean, your budget is your business, but I think some new brides get excited about inviting everybody in the world until they see the price tag. That also means additional expense for invitations, decorations (for all those tables), and the price of a venue large enough to hold that many people. How on earth are you even going to stop at every table to thank people for coming? You'll hardly have time to dance.

Just a heads-up. :)

Britt1893

Luckily, as soon as my parents found out they were having me, they started a savings for me. College money, Wedding money. They opened stocks for me as well. My grandparents on both sides graciously agreed to match what my parents had by the time I was 18.

aro1589

When I get married on October 27th, we will have been engaged 4 years and two months!  so I know a thing or two about longggg engagements!

we got engaged at the beginning of my freshman year of college and knew we would have to wait until I graduated.  I was going to school in Pittsburgh and he lived in Ohio (where we're both from).  In 2010, he moved to Pittsburgh to be with me.  Until we set a date (which was sometime last year) it didn't feel like we were "really" engaged.  But once we set the date (our 5 year anniversary, btw) it started to feel more real.

 

anyway, good luck!  and congratulations

aro1589

I don't know why part of that came out bolded?!  oops!

erollis

Congratulations on picking a date! I think three years will be the perfect amount of time for you two to plan.