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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Please help.

Let me start by saying I'm not new to TK. I've always just lurked without an account. I had never found the need to post before, until now.

We've set our date for November 19th, 2011. We're getting married three hours away from our home. We have not picked our BP yet, but pretty much know who we want. We had planned on asking right after the holidays. Everyone knows the date though, it's been set for at least 4-5 months.

Well FSIL has recently got engaged. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her. She's been dating her FI for 7 years now, we knew it was coming. But, at Thanksgiving she announced she is getting married on November 18th, 2011. I've actually cried over this. We'll have basically the same guest list on FI's side. And most of them will have to travel to both weddings.

At first I thought, hey, we'll just move our wedding. But we've already put down 3 deposits and can't get any of them back. FSIL on the other hand has not done any planning. She's already ordered save the dates though. She plans on sending them out before Christmas.

We've tried talking to her about changing her date but she refuses. We'll loose almost $1500 if we change. And this is not an option. We can't afford to loose that money. But we don't people to have to choose which wedding they attend.

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Re: Please help.

  • They won't have to choose. Yours is one day, hers just happens to be the one before. At least everyone will all be in town still!!
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  • They won't be in the same town. Her's is where we live, our wedding is 3 hours way.
  • It's not like a 3 hour drive is that big of a deal....Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean, but people leave her reception, go to the hotel, sleep it off, drive 3 hours the next day to yours (which i'm making an assumption that you're planning to have it in the afternoon). FI and I live 3 hours away from each other and its not that bad of a trip. If people truly love you, they will make the trip. Its really NBD.
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  • Okay yeah we know you get one day, but I think this is actually really rude of her and I can't believe she's being so stubborn. I would be upset if I were you.

    What do her parents think of all this?
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  • You're in NC too. Where? What's the trip they'd be having to make?
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2010
    When I first read this, I thought she had picked the same day.  I was thinking how much that sucked for you and that I was really sorry.

    Hunter pointed out that it is one day different.  Okay, okay.  That's workable!

    Maybe it's just late and I've had too much wine, but three hours isn't fourteen hours! Especially since your's is a Saturday night, people have time to make the trip.

    Maybe this was the only day that worked for her and her family.  Maybe she's doing it to spite you.  Maybe her plans will implode in a few months because she really didn't think it all through.  Where's your fiance's family/sibling to mention that maybe this is crazy?  But, regardless, people are going to do what they are going to do.  You can't control anyone.  You can just smile, remember that they are different days and that people will do their best to make your wedding, same as her's, and keep on going with your date.

    Good luck.

    EDITed for my overuse of the word "workable."
  • Okay I can certainly see feeling a little hurt here. I mean I know you get one day but there's still a rehearsal dinner and presumably since she's FSIL she's an important person to your wedding. Why did they set the date for then? It seems weird if they knew your date. Was there some important reason?

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  • It's definitely workable, and I'm pretty sure your guests won't choose between yours or hers. That said...it does seem like she's going out of her way to be spiteful. It's odd, to say the least. Why does she want that day? You'd think she'd want festivities more to herself, too...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:9635bfdb-4ecd-4396-8ad5-5b9343299149">Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let me start by saying I'm not new to TK. I've always just lurked without an account. I had never found the need to post before, until now. We've set our date for November 19th, 2011. We're getting married three hours away from our home. We have not picked our BP yet, but pretty much know who we want. We had planned on asking right after the holidays. Everyone knows the date though, it's been set for at least 4-5 months. Well FSIL has recently got engaged. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her. She's been dating her FI for 7 years now, we knew it was coming. But, at Thanksgiving she announced she is getting married on November 18th, 2011. I've actually cried over this. We'll have basically the same guest list on FI's side. And most of them will have to travel to both weddings. At first I thought, hey, we'll just move our wedding. But we've already put down 3 deposits and can't get any of them back. FSIL on the other hand has not done any planning. She's already ordered save the dates though. She plans on sending them out before Christmas. We've tried talking to her about changing her date but she refuses. We'll loose almost $1500 if we change. And this is not an option. We can't afford to loose that money. But we don't people to have to choose which wedding they attend.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    <div>I full admit that is a ridiculously shitty thing to to if she was well aware of your date.  Is she older than your FI?  I'm assuming she wanted to make sure she got married before him.  But either way that's really shitty.  I don't care if you only get 1 day, it's beyond rude to plan your wedding the day before your brothers if you are aware of it.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I wouldn't change your date though if you already have deposits, unless it is possible for you to just keep the same venues and switch to another date.  If people were aware of your date then she looks like the giant asshole not you.</div><div>
    </div><div>People will just drive the 3 hours though, don't even worry about it.  H and I used to live over 2 hours apart and I thought nothing of making that drive every other weekend.  </div>
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  • I'm sorry -- that totally sucks on her part. I know the old "you get one day," but I call BS on that one. There's no reason in the world for  her to choose the day before your wedding and while I wouldn't get into any kind of all-out fight with  her, I seriously doubt I'd ever really forgive her.

    What do your FH's parents say about this? They can't possibly want to attend 2 kids' weddings in 2 days. Maybe they can talk some sense into her?

    I guess, worst case scneario, I'd change my own wedding date if she doesn't change hers first.
  • I can't believe how many people are saying it's perfectly fine and it's not a big deal.  Would you honestly be okay with your sibling or your SO's sibling getting married literally the day before you?  I would be pissed.  I don't care if you only get one day, it's just rude.  A friend or a cousin is one thing, but a sibling?  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:0f46195e-8482-4d20-a655-17c54e47a88e">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]. Maybe this was the only day that worked for her and her family.  Maybe she's doing it to spite you.  Maybe her plans will implode in a few months because she really didn't think it all through.  Where's your fiance's family/sibling to mention that maybe this is crazy? ......  You can't control anyone.  You can just smile, remember that they are different days and that people will do their best to make your wedding, same as her's,.....

    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    THIS.

    She might have very legit reasons for having it on the day that she wants, and I know to you it may look spiteful especially if she refuses to change the date especially if you've already set deposits, but what can you do? Its your FSIL....have FI sit down with her and get these answers.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:e5bd28e4-795b-4da0-ba90-6db0fbbb3f27">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't believe how many people are saying it's perfectly fine and it's not a big deal.  Would you honestly be okay with your sibling or your SO's sibling getting married literally the day before you?  I would be pissed.  I don't care if you only get one day, it's just rude.  A friend or a cousin is one thing, but a sibling?  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    I suppose I didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that FSIL meant her fiance's sister.  I was thinking maybe it was fiance's brother's fiance (does that make sense?)  Hmm...

    I still think that someone will talk some sense into this girl - whoever she is.  But, if it doesn't happen, throwing a hissy fit won't solve much, either.
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  • I just don't see how FI's family can do both. Our rehearsal/rehearsal dinner is set for Friday night. FI's parents have already made the deposit on the venue and they won't even be able to attend it. We won't even be able to attend her wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:e5bd28e4-795b-4da0-ba90-6db0fbbb3f27">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't believe how many people are saying it's perfectly fine and it's not a big deal.  Would you honestly be okay with your sibling or your SO's sibling getting married literally the day before you?  I would be pissed.  I don't care if you only get one day, it's just rude.  A friend or a cousin is one thing, but a sibling?  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    Exactly. This is one of those times when I really don't think it's okay. The OP already paid her deposits and this girl has done nothing at all and is insisting on getting the save the dates out right away when nearly a year in advance is still quite early for them? Basically it sounds like she is attempting to get everyone else to save her date before the OP can get them to save hers.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:99123766-2d14-401a-9fdb-4cb62f4cfd79">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : I suppose I didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that FSIL meant her fiance's sister.  I was thinking maybe it was fiance's brother's fiance (does that make sense?)  Hmm... I still think that someone will talk some sense into this girl - whoever she is.  But, if it doesn't happen, throwing a hissy fit won't solve much, either.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>Even if that was the case, it would still be FI's brother getting married and agreeing to it.  It's shitty either way.  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:bd9141d3-e4e5-4f88-8e59-54798fe5d356">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just don't see how FI's family can do both. Our rehearsal/rehearsal dinner is set for Friday night. FI's parents have already made the deposit on the venue and they won't even be able to attend it. We won't even be able to attend her wedding.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    If I were you, I wouldn't want to attend her wedding.
    Seriously...her parents MUST have an issue with this. Why don't they say something to her?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:e5bd28e4-795b-4da0-ba90-6db0fbbb3f27">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't believe how many people are saying it's perfectly fine and it's not a big deal.  Would you honestly be okay with your sibling or your SO's sibling getting married literally the day before you?  I would be pissed.  I don't care if you only get one day, it's just rude.  A friend or a cousin is one thing, but a sibling?  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    Like PP's said...it is very ODD that FSIL would do this especially if their date has been picked for months. BUT like someone said on here, can't remember who, they JUST got engaged and if FSIL actually is how it sounds, then most people with a brain cell will notice it and its OP who comes out smelling like roses.

    Yes, I would be pissed, but its one of those things where people are gonna do what people are gonna do and there's nothing you can bitch about that's gonna change their mind. So really, its NBD if the situation is workable no matter how shitty it is.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:ce6f36bf-6b48-4bd0-8880-fdd1363f8b9b">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : Exactly. This is one of those times when I really don't think it's okay. The OP already paid her deposits and this girl has done nothing at all and is insisting on getting the save the dates out right away when nearly a year in advance is still quite early for them? Basically it sounds like she is attempting to get everyone else to save her date before the OP can get them to save hers.
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    Completely agree. I still don't get why the FSIL would do it. OP did she give a reason?
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  • Her reasoning, there is none. Other than her favorite number is 18. Why not the 18th of October, or any other month for that matter. There are several months in the year that have 18th's that would work perfectly fine.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:df5be6b7-523f-4784-9b94-56c6a5437adc">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : If I were you, I wouldn't want to attend her wedding. Seriously...her parents MUST have an issue with this. Why don't they say something to her?
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    <div>Exactly.  What are his parents saying in all this?  And obviously the sister has no cares whether or not her brother is at her wedding.  </div>
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  • Your FSIL sounds sucky.  Were your FILs aware of the date she chose?  I'd think that they'd advise her against it, especially if they already put down a deposit for your RD.  Has your FI spoken with his family about this?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:bd9141d3-e4e5-4f88-8e59-54798fe5d356">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just don't see how FI's family can do both. Our rehearsal/rehearsal dinner is set for Friday night. FI's parents have already made the deposit on the venue and they won't even be able to attend it. We won't even be able to attend her wedding.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    This is why I cannot understand why FI hasn't had a family sit-down come-to-Jesus meeting with her and her FI.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:f12053c1-5e43-4a2b-a4ce-ad8006406cdf">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : Like PP's said...it is very ODD that FSIL would do this especially if their date has been picked for months. BUT like someone said on here, can't remember who, they JUST got engaged and if FSIL actually is how it sounds, then most people with a brain cell will notice it and its OP who comes out smelling like roses. Yes, I would be pissed, but its one of those things where people are gonna do what people are gonna do and there's nothing you can bitch about that's gonna change their mind. So really, its NBD if the situation is workable no matter how shitty it is.
    Posted by hunterjumper321[/QUOTE]

    <div>Do you or your FI have a sibling?  Can you honestly say that you would just roll with the punches if they planned their wedding for literally the day before yours, knowing full well that your RD was already planned and booked that night so obviously you couldn't attend?  I don't understand how someone could ever possibly say they wouldn't be upset about that, unless you have no relationship whatsoever with your family.</div>
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  • They've talked to her about it and she blows up. She always comes back to, "Is HIS wedding more important than mine? Don't I get a say in the day I get married?"
  • She does sound sucky. Has she always been sucky or is this new? I'm totally trying to wrap my head around this.
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  • dude I'd be pissed.  My cousin picked the SAME date as me and I was super pissed.  I'm really really sorry.  I totally know how you feel.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:364d905a-33b9-46cc-883f-4ffa1d2b5d1c">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : Even if that was the case, it would still be FI's brother getting married and agreeing to it.  It's shitty either way.  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    Oh no, it's definitely shitty.  I just got the impression from the OP that the only person upset about this was the OP, so I assumed "FSIL" wasn't fiance's sister but someone marrying into the family who had jumped off the sanity wagon.  Maybe fiance's parents were cool with it because "FSIL" had other family obligations.  I dunno - I clearly read a lot into this that may or may not exist. 
  • I'm with the people saying this is a little nuts. Extenuating circumstances aside, I cannot believe that she picked the wedding date on which her parents were hosting your rehearsal dinner. I know you only get a day, but if my fiancé's brother told us he was getting married the day before us, it would make things logistically difficult.

    What does your fiancé say?
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