Money Issues

Simply Fated

"very close friends"

22 of them?

I'm calling MUD or troll or something. This is too bizarre.

Momma71511

It was only 11 of my close friends but I couldn't leave their significant others out.

thurmanpowell

If you just couldn't leave them out then you just can't not pay for them.

No wonder your son is upset.

QueerFemme

In Response to Re:Money Issues:[QUOTE]It was only 11 of my close friends but I couldn't leave their significant others out. Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

Well. You should just accept that you screwed up and they have a right to be mad.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:ddf756ed-3e0c-46f0-9527-42058b12f913">Re:Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]It was only 11 of my close friends but I couldn't leave their significant others out.
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]
You still don't think that number is a bit high? I mean, I have a bunch of close friends I'd invite to <em>my</em> wedding that's around that number, but you're not the one getting married.
I mean, I get it, you have friends and you want to share your son's special day with people you are close with, but STDs were sent out to all 11 (22) of your close friends and now you can't pay for them and you can't understand why anyone is upset with you?

Sharpschruter22

I'm a May 2013 bride who frequents my month board daily and have no idea what you are talking about. Also...the etiquette board is the main board around here, so it is safe to say that you are NOT safe posting this here. You are just making more drama with your FDIL. And for the record, you are the one in the wrong here. Your son and FDIL have every reason to be upset with you.

Barbiiieee

I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure I know who your FDIL is. She always seems gracious and sweet, for the most part. You're pretty lucky... because honestly, my FI and I are paying every cent of our own wedding (which we are more than happy to be doing) and we did ask our parents if they wanted to invite any guests, but if my FMIL wanted to invite 22 people costing us like $4400 my FI would be pretty peeved.

You are exactly why in-laws have a bad reputation. 

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:b10caf41-130e-45ab-8aae-0456af326481">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure I know who your FDIL is. She always seems gracious and sweet, for the most part. You're pretty lucky... because honestly, my FI and I are paying every cent of our own wedding (which we are more than happy to be doing) and we did ask our parents if they wanted to invite any guests, but if my FMIL wanted to invite 22 people costing us like $4400 my FI would be pretty peeved. <strong>You are exactly why in-laws have a bad reputation. </strong>
Posted by Barbiiieee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ummmm yes.  I am very active on the May 2013 board and I've never heard this situation.  I agree with the PPs, particularly exactly what Steph said.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you need to seriously reconsider your attitude about your FDIL.  You will push your son away if don't- you may lose him completely if he really values his relationship with his wife.  You seem to think that your FDIL is controlling what your son thinks- did it ever occur to you that he may have a mind of his own and may have made up his own mind that he is upset with you?  </div><div>
</div><div>He and his FI have every right to be upset that you stuck them with a bill worth thousands, regardless of whether they can afford that bill or not.  You are completely in the wrong here.  In hindsight, I bet your son and FDIL are wishing they hadn't let you invite those people.  22 people is A LOT of people- I am inviting only about 30 of my family members to the wedding in total.  </div><div>
</div><div>You need to apologize to your son and FDIL and her parents, who most likely will cover the costs you stuck them with.  You have completely disrespected their finances. 

</div>

Cortney1982

Good grief!  If I was your son or FDIL I would be LIVID at you!  You invited quite a great deal of people and you said you were paying for them.  You should not have done that without cash in hand.  FDIL's parents may be contributing but they are not responsible, neither is your son or FDIL to pay for your mistake.  You may have some uninviting to do.

zantster

If I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, then as someone on a very fixed income with two jobs you know exactly what it means when someone says "money is tight."  So, what if the situtaion was reversed and you had saved, had other bills to pay, but was also paying for their wedding and the bride's mother added another few thousand dollars worth of expenses to what you have to pay for out of your weekly paychecks? Would it be ok with you for the bride's mom to promise you that money and then not only back out but blame you for not being happy about the extra money you have to come up with?  And I assume you haven't attempted to not only apologize but ask if there's anythiing else you can do to help in a non-financial way right?  Just put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself how you would honestly feel.  Because you know as well as I that money does not grow on trees.

MamaBear904

There is nothing to really add because PP pretty much said everything perfectly. I am getting married in May and frequent the May 2013 board and have never heard of this issue from any of the brides there, which just goes to show you how much more class and grace she has than you.

I really hope you are not fake and that the 50 or so strangers telling you that you were wrong will help you realize that the problems in your life are not everyone else's fault but most likely your own.

22 guests account for 50% of my total guest count and would have added appx $2000 of additional cost to me. I would be furious and shame on you for expecting any one else "deal with it" and pay for them when you are the reason they invited these guests to begin with. YOU need to find a way to pay for this. If you were (at the time of their engagement) able to pay and now you are not, it sounds like YOU incurred a bill/debt/expense you didn't expect and now have to deal with that. It does not change the committment you initially made.

RebCappon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:bd47842c-f2de-4864-9206-81aa4af20964">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]There is nothing to really add because PP pretty much said everything perfectly. I am getting married in May and frequent the May 2013 board and have never heard of this issue from any of the brides there, which just goes to show you how much more class and grace she has than you. I really hope you are not fake and that the 50 or so strangers telling you that you were wrong will help you realize that the problems in your life are not everyone else's fault but most likely your own. 22 guests account for 50% of my total guest count and would have added appx $2000 of additional cost to me. I would be furious and shame on you for expecting any one else "deal with it" and pay for them when you are the reason they invited these guests to begin with. YOU need to find a way to pay for this. If you were (at the time of their engagement) able to pay and now you are not, it sounds like YOU incurred a bill/debt/expense you didn't expect and now have to deal with that. It does not change the committment you initially made.
Posted by MamaBear904[/QUOTE]


Exactly this. I am getting married in May and I also frequent that board a lot. Your FDIL has much more class since none of us have heard about this at all!

ftrmrsw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1a229f2e-c740-4e6f-93da-3d4578e8e76b">Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies, I'm new to the message board community. I know my son's soon to be wife posts on a month board here. I figured it would be safe to say this here. My son got engaged last year, they set a wedding date and I wanted some of my very close friends at their wedding. They agreed to allow it. My son came to me tonight and my soon to be daughter in law is upset with me. He said that she is upset because I am no longer helping to pay for anything and that it was part of the agreement with inviting a couple of my close friends. I tried explaining to him that parent's are not obligated to pay for any part of the wedding and he shouldn't just expect that I would help. I am on a short budget and work 2 jobs just to pay my own bills. Is there any other way to explain to them that it's not my responsibility to pay?
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

<div>You are correct that parents are not obligated to pay for anything, however on the flip side, they are not obligated to invite your friends.</div><div>
</div><div>If they are paying, it is up to them who and how many people they want to invite. Sorry to say it. I know that's not what you want to hear.</div>

SSaltzman87

I'm the mod of the may 2013 board. I'm calling MUD simply for the fact that I've never read any mention of the situation, unless the bride is keeping it completely to herself. If this is legitimate, I agree with PPs on how your actions WILL alienate your son and FDIL if you don't start taking responsibility for your actions and realizing the tough spot you put them in. That does not involve blaming it on your FDIL, or insinuating that your son can't/isn't allowed to make up his own mind. I would be incredibly insulted and offended if you were my FMIL. I'd also take into account how no one here is validating your actions, and we are all of differing ages, geographical areas and socioeconomical backgrounds. I too feel sorry for your FDIL if this truly is happening.

courtski2004

For the sake of your son and FDIL, I hope this is not real. How is it going to turn out when she discovers this post and puts 2 and 2 together to find that you have passive-aggressively slandered her? How do you think your son will react to that, mommy dearest? Grow up. I can see why she may not be your biggest fan, since I'm sure this is not the first time your ridiculous behavior has reared its' head.
 
You need to buck up and find a way to make this right, which is to honor your original agreement to pay for the guests that you simply MUST have at your son's wedding. They can't NOT invite someone who has already received a save the date. Either way, it will come down to which set of relationships is more important to you-your friends or your son and FDIL.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1f1344e3-9db8-4618-9db0-75a33c6bc589">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]My son and I always had a great relationship until she came into the picture. And I will admit that I never got a long with her from the beginning. I think the only reason they are this upset is because they are now in debt, which is not my fault. His fiance had "emergency" surgery and they are trying to pay that off butget real here, they are adults and her parents are helping to pay for that too.
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:9pt;line-height:115%;">Ok, now you’re throwing a pity party. <span> </span>I’m sure your manipulative guilt tripping attitude has nothing to do with your son being uninterested in you. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:9pt;line-height:115%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:9pt;line-height:115%;">It’s none of your business if they’re in debt or if her parents are paying for her surgery. If they’re in so much debt, it’s not fair for you to add an additional expense by adding 22 people to their guest list.(which is A LOT). You are being very hard and judgy on your FDIL and it’s only going to hurt the relationship with your son even more. </span></p>

renegade gaucho

Your son isn't obligated to validate everything you do just because he's your son, and to assume that he couldn't possibly have decided that you were in the wrong on his own is actually pretty insulting to him.  And if it actually is the case that he doesn't see that you are wrong and is bringing this up with you only because she put him up to it, I would advise her not to marry him because he's a giant mama's boy.

It's also ridiculous that you don't understand why they're put out at having to come up with the money to cover an extra 22 guests (which would have added about $2500 to the cost of my wedding, by the way) when you can't pay for them yourself.  I would think you would be more understanding of the burden you've now placed on them.

Oh, and under the circumstances, I would drop the judgment you appear to have against them for being in debt.  Pots and kettles and all of that.

Peledreamsofrain

Man, if OP is real, she is SO SO lucky that I am not her FDIL.  I have shut people out of my life for being half this manipulative, undermining, and just plain mean spirited. 

Momma71511

I saw where my son's soon to be wife posted on the May 2013 board. I know it's her for sure now!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Honestly, none of our parents contributed. But 22 people is a lot. I asked my parents if they wanted to invite anyone in particular, but they each gave me a list of, like, 2-5 people. Which, IMO was very do-able on my own budget. My parents knew they couldn't/wouldn't contribute, so, thankfully, they also were very conservative about trying to have any influence over the wedding. It was my money, my party I was hosting, and they were there as guests, not hosts. So they were perfectly gracious and accepting of that.

BUT since they have sent out STDs to these 22 people, you're right, they can't take it back. Which really sucks, since these are people they apparently wouldn't have invited originally. It would be very nice if you could try to give them a cash wedding present, or pay them back over the next year or two.

FWIW, the people my parents wanted to invite were all extended family members we had not originally included (we included all close family members), not their own friends. Plenty of people don't even invite 11 of their closest friends to their OWN wedding. I had 68 people at my wedding, total.

CALEO

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1f1344e3-9db8-4618-9db0-75a33c6bc589">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]My son and I always had a great relationship until she came into the picture. And I will admit that I never got a long with her from the beginning. I think the only reason they are this upset is because they are now in debt, which is not my fault. His fiance had "emergency" surgery and they are trying to pay that off butget real here, they are adults and her parents are helping to pay for that too.
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is your fault.  You insisted they invite 22 extra people because you would cover their costs.  You failed to keep up your promise.  They now have to spend an additional 3-5000$ to cover what you had agreed to pay.

This is your fault. 

Trust me, this is something you did wrong, not your FDIL.   Your son is mad at you because of your actions and likely your attitude ("only 22 people" to "make up" for the people the bride's family invited, etc.)

Here is how to have a good relationship with your son and FDIL:  1. don't make promises you can't keep, 2. don't assume they are obligated to you and 3.  be polite to them both.

Momma71511

Well I am showing my son what she wrote about me on the May 2013 board. About how I drive her insane. We will see what he has to say about all of this then!

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:f88f14ec-b68c-440e-aa0e-b8fdd4a22d93">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I am showing my son what she wrote about me on the May 2013 board. About how I drive her insane. We will see what he has to say about all of this then!
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

Don't forget to print out all the stuff that you wrote about her!  And make sure you print out all the responses you got to your post about how YOU are in the wrong, not your son or FDIL.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

She's about to be his WIFE. If you insist on making your son choose between the two of you, get ready to lose, chica. My spouse is the most important relationship in my life, and if any of our parents or family members tried to come between us, we would absolutely scale back on that relationship to avoid the drama and out of respect for the other spouse.

misshart00

In Response to Re:Money Issues:[QUOTE]She's about to be his WIFE. If you insist on making your son choose between the two of you, get ready to lose, chica. My spouse is the most important relationship in my life, and if any of our parents or family members tried to come between us, we would absolutely scale back on that relationship to avoid the drama and out of respect for the other spouse. Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

This. He's just going to think you're more bonkers than you're already acting.

stantokm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:dacf5f74-f9c9-41df-967b-d1736fa50cb3">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Money Issues : Now I KNOW it's MUD, because I just went through the last 2 weeks worth of posts on May 2013, and nothing even remotely resembling this story came up.  
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

No, I found something that MIGHT be her FDIL responding to another post.  But if it's her, she didn't say anything actually bad.  And no mention of the money thing at all, which would be a legit vent.

s-aries8990

OP, I hope this is MUD because if you bring your son some posts you think are about you, then he will have less respect for you than he must already have at this point.

What's that Carly Simon song?

You're so vain, you pro'lly this post is aboout you....

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:f88f14ec-b68c-440e-aa0e-b8fdd4a22d93">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I am showing my son what she wrote about me on the May 2013 board. About how I drive her insane. We will see what he has to say about all of this then!
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

IF you are real, I'm pretty sure your son already knows you drive your FDIL insane.  I bet you drive him insane also.  

Keep it up Momma. You'll end up with a son who speaks to you once a year on Mother's Day and you will have no relationship with him or any possible future grandkids.

stantokm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:f88f14ec-b68c-440e-aa0e-b8fdd4a22d93">Re: Money Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I am showing my son what she wrote about me on the May 2013 board. About how I drive her insane. We will see what he has to say about all of this then!
Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

I imagine that he'll ask what you were doing on the May 2013 board, given that you aren't the bride.  You seem to be stalking her.  Since she hasn't done anything to you that you can tattle to your son about in real life, you have to seek it out on a somewhat anonymous forum.  it's not like she posted it on Facebook and tagged you in it for everyone you know to read.

And?  If she said that you're driving her insane, I believe her.  If one of my parents treated my fiance like this, I wouldn't speak to him or her until there were some profuse apologies to my future husband.

melb2013

I thought I had FIL issues, but you are scary.  However, I am totally calling MUD because there is nothing at all on the May 2013 board like this.