I didn't think it was true until today

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:b43f6d02-d87b-49af-9aec-f1a26657b26e">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband is an Air Force Captain and<strong> an Eagle Scout (yeah, I just pulled that card out</strong>). I think he would resent the idea that he lacks basic survival skills.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

My FI pulls that card all of the time. Its like great I get it honey but can you please just get me the glass of water I asked about.

emilyinchile

My H went from living at home to living with me. Some things he's perfectly good at - stuff like cooking and cleaning that he had to do as chores at home - and other things I honestly don't think he could do by himself - like remembering to pay the bills. In Chile there is very much the culture of mommy taking care of her little baby boy still, and I'm lucky my MIL is not like that. She asks me all the time if H is pulling his weight around the house, which is cute, even though after 4 years of living together I'm like "yup, he still does his part, you can relax now, you did good with this one."

doctabroccoli

I think it completely depends on your upbringing.  Prior to college and living on my own, I came from a house where we cleaned the house and took care of the lawn every single Saturday.  H's family didn't do that.  So naturally, I'm a little more up on the housekeeping than he is.

missy68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:4a92569d-ef91-4261-bd66-69507de43fe7">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : My experience with adult men has been that many of them (if not most) lack some of the basic adult survival skills I (and most if not all women I know) take for granted.  Too many of their mothers took care of this stuff for them when they were growing up while most women I know were taught from an early age that they would be responsible for taking care of general life stuff as adults. Why do something yourself if there is a very good chance there will always be a woman around to do it for you?
Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]

Katie, I take a LOT of offense on behalf of my husband at this post.  He was taught to be self-sufficient, and is actually the one better prepared in our house.

Jessica, don't bring ADHD into a discussion unless it's about ADHD. It's demeaning to those who have it and work with and around it. No one needs to read an article dealing with it and think their spouse has it and that's why he/she doesn't pay attention.

Both of these raised my hackles too much to read beyond the first page.

DNAtime

Yea, while my FI's inability to do certain tasks such as be able to sew up the hole in the dog bed (I ALWAYS have to do this) or drive a stick shift. Overall he can make it on his own.  He makes my breakfast and packs my lunch on school days, he even makes my coffee. Then I make him dinner, its a win-win. 
I clean the bathroom, kitchen and dust and he sweeps, mops and mows the lawn.  We share.

Although I have to say when we go camping or hiking my FI is very capable and prepared. I think if actually came down to surviving he would be better than I am, finding fire wood, kindling, building a fire, fixing our tent, etc. He is also better at finding and keeping a trail than I am.

When we go camping we make pudgie pies- you use an eclosed toast make and make like tuna melts or pizza melts they are SOOO good. You have to use the camp fire.  We "car" camp as in the car is in walking distance so we don't have carry all our stuff or bear bag. But there is no electricity and usually no flush toilets and we camp at like 10,000 feet so it can get cold.  HOWEVER, there is lots of wine and beer and plenty of food that always tastes better when camping. 

MrsMack10612

FI absolutely pulls his weight.  He doesn't necessarily take the initiative to clean something because we have different ideas of what needs to be done & when; but if I say FI, I need you to do XYZ, he does it.  He may not do it the way I would or to the same cleanliness level - but I don't argue; it's one less thing I have to worry about.  I do however take care of loading the dishwasher and all the laundry.

As for the blanket statements - right or wrong, stereotypes developed for a reason.  Some of it was due to traditional gender roles that no longer apply; other times there are things that as a rule men do better than women and vice versa.  Men and women are wired differently and that difference does in fact make some clear dividing lines that feed some stereotypes.  Maybe that's controversial that I think that way; but I think there is some truth to it.  I don't agree with statements like "all men are large children" or whatever the OP said, but I do think some blanket statements do apply.

We all do dumb things, it happens and I'll be the first to admit in my house that I'm guilty of it more than FI.

Birdie1483

I depend on my FI a lot more than he depends on me. I survived on my own, but now that we're living together I let him do a lot of things for me. I was actually quite proud of myself when I changed my rear car blinker 75% by myself last week when he was sick.

Yay for other Eagle Scout husbands! I'm tempted to post a picture I took when he tried on his uniform on Thanksgiving. He would KILL me if he knew I posted it... muhahaha

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:33c47b35-0bda-4b77-98ab-8fcd6e335d8e">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow.  Just wow.  Who actually runs out of gas?  (Other than people who get stuck in sudden freak weather and stuff like that.) My SO is ridiculous when it comes to food.  He went "shopping" the other day and came home with: -paper plates -a giant bottle of ketchup (we already had ketchup) -a bag of chips he never brought in the house from his car -Lysol wipes This = grocery shopping to this man.  And then he complains when there is nothing to eat.  I've actually stopped bothering to make him dinner because he is a grown man and should be able to pick up some chicken or whatever at the store even if he can't (or won't) cook it.
Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]

Well THAT seems passive-agressive. Whoever does the cooking can make a grocery list, you know. It just sounds like that might not be his strong suit.

jessicabessica

missy68--I didn't suggest the article to suggest to the OP or anyone else here that their significant other has ADHD, and I specifically said that I do not think that my FI has ADHD (he has not been formally diagnosed and reading the article did not make me somehow decide he has ADHD).  I stated that reading the article helped me separate forgetfulness from deliberate avoidance of responsibilities, and I think that was tremendously helpful in my relationship. 

I realize that being forgetful isn't the same as having ADHD, that's why I didn't say something like "this article made me realize, well duh, my FI must have adult ADHD."   It's an actual disorder and you don't just throw it around.  Maybe I should have been clearer that I wasn't suggesting that the OP's husband did or did not have ADHD, but I don't think that would have placated you. 

I've jumped on people on this board for casual use of "OCD."  I really don't think what I said was the same, and I was trying to be helpful. 

Also, I can post what I want within the terms of service.  Unless my comment violated the terms of service, saying "don't post xyz" is kind of silly, like posters tell other posters all the time when they bring out the "I didn't ask for your opinion about my C list, so just stick to my question" lines.  While I'm always looking to learn from others and consider myself fairly sensitive, particularly to medical issues, I did not learn anything new from how you phrased your comment to me. 

KentuckyKate

OP, I'll play.

I feel annoyed everytime H comes up to me and proudly announces that he unloaded the dishwasher.  He acts like he deserves a medal or at least a "Thank you!" for doing one household chore, when I do all of them every day with no thanks. 

KentuckyKate

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:74bd0808-e5ef-4ee1-932b-842a5f505301">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : Katie, I take a LOT of offense on behalf of my husband at this post.  He was taught to be self-sufficient, and is actually the one better prepared in our house. <strong>Jessica, don't bring ADHD into a discussion unless it's about ADHD. It's demeaning to those who have it and work with and around it. </strong>No one needs to read an article dealing with it and think their spouse has it and that's why he/she doesn't pay attention. Both of these raised my hackles too much to read beyond the first page.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]
Thank you Missy.

Birdie1483

Man I feel embarrased because I'm always the one FI is asking to pick up and clean things

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:535e4bfd-51c7-40b1-9cf9-cbe77f416763">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : Eye to eye on that one.  I thought I'd be single forever and I never thought I would even consider someone 'helping' me with stuff.  You know, it's really kind of nice to have that partnership...it's a balance between what we can do for each other.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

I think it's also just part of our personalities. As much as I want to be independent, I really am a dependent person. And I wanted to marry an independent man. I've dated dependant men in the past and I just couldn't deal with it.  Some of my friends don't understand that I can't (and won't) just tell him what to do (like to hang out with my friends instead of doing something else he'd rather do). He'd just laugh at me. :)

missy68

It was the implication that ADHD was a reason (not for your husband's) for forgetfulness and reasoning that got to me. In my opinion, it would have been simpler to just mention the article without the ADHD reference as something you found helpful in realizing all adults have different types of attention spans and there are different ways of dealing with it.

Sorry - it is a sensitive subject for me.

KentuckyKate

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:deef0ea4-9f37-449a-8424-e29915c881a8">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]It was the implication that ADHD was a reason (not for your husband's) for forgetfulness and reasoning that got to me. In my opinion, it would have been simpler to just mention the article without the ADHD reference as something you found helpful in realizing all adults have different types of attention spans and there are different ways of dealing with it. <strong>Sorry - it is a sensitive subject for me.</strong>
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]
Same here.  As someone who is diagnosed with severe ADHD two standard deviations above the normal realm of people with the disorder, I feel like I am constantly battling the stereotypes and generalizations of it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:4a92569d-ef91-4261-bd66-69507de43fe7">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : My experience with adult men has been that many of them (if not most) lack some of the basic adult survival skills I (and most if not all women I know) take for granted.  Too many of their mothers took care of this stuff for them when they were growing up while most women I know were taught from an early age that they would be responsible for taking care of general life stuff as adults. <strong>Why do something yourself if there is a very good chance there will always be a woman around to do it for you?</strong>
Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]

Actually, my brother can mend clothing and iron much better than I can due to his time in US Naval Sea Cadets (which is like junior ROTC for the navy). We were both taught skills for living, rather than ME (the girl) being taught how to "take care of a house/husband/family." Trust me, I'm sure my mom doubted I would ever get married. Also, my husband lived on his own for 15 years (including college and grad school, and in a foreign country) before we moved in together. So while we might have different cleaning habits, we're both certainly capable of running a household. I'll certainly teach any children I may have to be self-sufficient.

ETA: My dad moved straight out of his parents' house when he got married and he was still extremely self-sufficient, responsible, and neat. And like MandaPanda mentioned, my dad and husband are both Eagle Scouts as well.

katieisawesome

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:b43f6d02-d87b-49af-9aec-f1a26657b26e">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband is an Air Force Captain and an Eagle Scout (yeah, I just pulled that card out). I think he would resent the idea that he lacks basic survival skills.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

<div>Lol obviously not all men lack them, and not all women have them, but like I said, *my* experience has been that a much higher proportion of women are capable of all of the everyday tasks required of most adults than men.  I certainly know plenty of men who do just fine on their own.  I also know many more who can't cook a meal, have trouble doing their own laundry, don't bother to clean up after themselves, and generally don't do well at being grown-ups.  (I know a handful of women who fit this description, but far fewer).  I also think it is a *choice* they these men have made and had the privilege to make - I don't think it's inherent to their maleness.</div><div>
</div><div>In defense of my SO, he is learning, but it's a slow process.</div>

katieisawesome

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:29114a5d-32aa-4cdf-9de1-343c70947244">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : Well THAT seems passive-agressive. Whoever does the cooking can make a grocery list, you know. It just sounds like that might not be his strong suit.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not responsible for making sure he gets around to eating lol.  As discussed all over this thread, men are just as capable of doing these things as women.</div><div>
</div><div>Also he didn't tell me he was going shopping so why would I have made a list...</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Birdie1483

I just really resent these generalizations of men (and women). Hello 1950's.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:deef0ea4-9f37-449a-8424-e29915c881a8">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]It was the implication that ADHD was a reason (not for your husband's) for forgetfulness and reasoning that got to me. In my opinion, it would have been simpler to just mention the article without the ADHD reference as something you found helpful in realizing all adults have different types of attention spans and there are different ways of dealing with it. Sorry - it is a sensitive subject for me.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]

Ok, I see what you're saying, and sorry for any offense or uncomfortableness (not the right word, but I have personal experience with some other issues, and I know it's not pleasant to read about condition X randomly, when I'm not expecting it, when I think about condition X a lot on my own, so that's what I'm trying to say).  I wanted to put the full disclosure that the article was about ADHD in relationships, because anyone clicking the link would figure it out anyway, and better to put it out and note that forgetfulness =/= ADHD, although I realize I could have made that point more strongly. 

I do think it's valuable to consider how people deal with situations that we are not necessarily in, but have similar issues that arise, although those issues might be on a smaller scale or have a different root (realizing that people have different issues all the time, anyway, even with the same diagnosis).  I have an analogy to make, if you want to discuss further, but if not, it's personal, and I'm happy not to go there. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:7d1138ff-47c1-48e3-be03-ca05095535fc">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : Lol obviously not all men lack them, and not all women have them, but like I said, *my* experience has been that a much higher proportion of women are capable of all of the everyday tasks required of most adults than men.  I certainly know plenty of men who do just fine on their own.  I also know many more who can't cook a meal, have trouble doing their own laundry, don't bother to clean up after themselves, and generally don't do well at being grown-ups.  (I know a handful of women who fit this description, but far fewer).  I also think it is a *choice* they these men have made and had the privilege to make - I don't think it's inherent to their maleness. In defense of my SO, he is learning, but it's a slow process.
Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>What you're describing is laziness, which is easily found in both men and women.  Anyone can learn to cook, and clean up after themselves, they just choose not to.  And with the attitude that you have about how men "aren't capable" of doing those tasks, I'm going to guess your SO is just pulling one over on you and playing the part of the incompetant man so you do all the work for him.</div><div>
</div>

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:38343c8d-6ae2-4716-bb50-5ef2eba2c70c">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]Man I feel embarrased because I'm always the one FI is asking to pick up and clean things
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Ditto Birdie.  I hate cleaning, and FI gets after me all the time.  But it's always random.  Like, we'll be late for meeting his family and the dishes HAVE to get done right this second, even though the pan's been soaking since dinner last night.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:b11361bf-c5a4-4e9c-8ce4-71386821ab8c">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : I'm not responsible for making sure he gets around to eating lol.  As discussed all over this thread, men are just as capable of doing these things as women. Also he didn't tell me he was going shopping so why would I have made a list...
Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]

Well, we run errands on the same day every week. If you didn't know he was going shopping, then it doesn't make sense that you depended on that shopping trip to restock the groceries. Maybe he just WANTED a bag of chips. I usually make 1-2 runs to the grocery store or Target or something during the week, which is not our major grocery shopping trip. Also, I'm not going shopping until Sunday, but I already have a running list of things we'll need next week.

My husband and I also eat dinner together whenever possible because if we each just made our own sandwich we might as well be roommates and it would create twice the mess. It helps establish a family/partnership, IMO. But I guess that's a dying practice.

Stackeye210

My husband is totally awesome and self sufficient.  The only thing I've found he can't do is put the toilet paper on the roll, but I've never once asked him to b/c it's not that big of a deal. 

Scottswifey - is there anything you actually ever get happy about?  You complain a whole lot about everything in your life.

musicalsunlight

J is a hell of a lot more self sufficient than I am, and I'll admit that. He was forced to support himself starting at age 16, even when living at home. And like mandapanda's H, he's got a hell of a lot of outdoorsmen skills. He could catch/hunt all of our yearly meat if we wanted him to. I think he would probably blow a gasket if I told him he wasn't very responsible or didn't know how to do basic survival things. hah.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:c04d8747-ca84-4c97-85b5-b710cf12c6ee">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I also eat dinner together whenever possible because if we each just made our own sandwich we might as well be roommates and it would create twice the mess. It helps establish a family/partnership, IMO. But I guess that's a dying practice.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Mery, eye to eye. I don't think one partner should necessarily always be responsible for meals (unless that's what works for you guys), so I get katie not always wanting to cook for her SO, but I think it's weird if you each fend for yourselves on a regular basis.

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:9741a57c-1660-43e8-b971-6544314c12dc">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband is totally awesome and self sufficient.  The only thing I've found he can't do is put the toilet paper on the roll, but I've never once asked him to b/c it's not that big of a deal.  <strong>Scottswifey - is there anything you actually ever get happy about?  You complain a whole lot about everything in your life.
</strong>Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

I am happy about a ton of things. I have seen the sun in Chicago for more than a couple of hours since Friday, there are 32 days left until my summer vacation and Friday is my 6th month anniversary. i could go on and on.

I don't think I complain alot. I think that if we have threads where we can complain, I do, but rarely am I posting threads where I am complaining. I think that it might seem that way because here I feel like I CAN complain or get things off of my chest and not be judged. You all don't know me so I don't have to deal with a ton of biased questions, ya know?

missy68

You'll never find me calling someone OCD, bipolar, etc. I may question/talk about medications, but that's because of experiences I've had (the list is long). I never, ever throw psychiatric diagnoses around. And yes, I am diagnosed - and treated - ADHD myself (Kate, you're not alone). People like to use those three especially as descriptive monikers, and it infuriates me, knowing they are real conditions, and can be life-threatening, and certainly life-impeding without treatment.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-think-true-until-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5505caff-2921-4511-83fe-4e77fe602c02Post:f1cbefd1-b954-45ce-9c91-3d9b8ba3405c">Re: I didn't think it was true until today</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I didn't think it was true until today : Mery, eye to eye. I don't think one partner should necessarily always be responsible for meals (unless that's what works for you guys), so I get katie not always wanting to cook for her SO, but I think it's weird if you each fend for yourselves on a regular basis.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Yup. I happen to cook/meal plan most of the time because I like it, and if I do that, Oliver will do the dishes! But he's good at making pancakes from scratch, baking (he made pies for Thanksgiving) and helping with shopping and food input. I mean, 95% of the time we dinner on the coffee table in front of the TV, but we're eating the same meal and the same time, together. If I was annoyed about cooking all the time, I'd just ask him to do it for a few days or something. Or we'd come up with a better plan.

[Deleted User]

H is surprisingly self-sufficient. He also lived at home prior to moving out of state for his job. He had to do chores, yardwork, clean and laundry when he lived at home. His parents did instill a good work ethic in him. As he says, he is just not a freak about the dishes and having a clean house like I am. He will clean, but it is on his schedule and I can't stand that, so I just do it. No big deal.

Marriage isn't always 50/50. And right now since I am not working, I have been pulling more weight than he has. While it is a bit frustrating, I just grin and bear it.