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Wedding Etiquette Forum
I dont feel like searching through the posts
I've already send a bit of time looking through the posts for an answer....
So my mother and i have been arguing about gifts and money. We already gave over $100 worth of gifts at the bridal shower and now the wedding is almost here and she says we need to give money at the wedding...I say we don't but I'm probably wrong. So is she right?
I just can't afford to give any more money because FI and I are having a wedding our our own.
So my mother and i have been arguing about gifts and money. We already gave over $100 worth of gifts at the bridal shower and now the wedding is almost here and she says we need to give money at the wedding...I say we don't but I'm probably wrong. So is she right?
I just can't afford to give any more money because FI and I are having a wedding our our own.
120Gonna party!
70know it's their loss 
16MIA 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts
And if you knew you needed to save money, then you shouldn't have committed to pre-wedding parties where it's common knowledge that you give a gift.
Is a $30 gift off the registry really going to break you?
AKA GoodLuckBear14
[QUOTE]I've already send a bit of time looking through the posts for an answer.... So my mother and i have been arguing about gifts and money. We already gave over $100 worth of gifts at the bridal shower and now the wedding is almost here and she says we need to give money at the wedding...I say we don't but I'm probably wrong. So is she right? I just can't afford to give any more money because FI and I are having a wedding our our own.
Posted by GinaRose4[/QUOTE]
A gift is a GIFT. That means it's optional, and you spend what you can afford. Bride and groom shouldn't expect anything from their guests. Technically, guests have up to a year to send a gift, if they so choose. If you want to and can afford a gift later, then send it later.
Weddings are about your presence, not your presents, people.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
[QUOTE]Your post isn't exactly clear. You're talking about someone else's wedding, correct? If you can't afford a gift, then don't give a gift. It's rude, and you'll look like a jackass, but it's not like you're going to get arrested. Just don't get bent out of shape when people do the same thing at your wedding. And if you knew you needed to save money, then you shouldn't have committed to pre-wedding parties where it's common knowledge that you give a gift.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
Um, no. To the whole post.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
[QUOTE]In Response to I dont feel like searching through the posts : A gift is a GIFT. That means it's optional, and you spend what you can afford. Bride and groom shouldn't expect anything from their guests. Technically, guests have up to a year to send a gift, if they so choose. If you want to and can afford a gift later, then send it later. <strong>Weddings are about your presence, not your presents, people.</strong>
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
I agree. Wedding's and pre-wedding parties are not meant to bankrupt the guests. You give what you can give. Gifts should never be expected, only appreciated.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : Um, no. To the whole post.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
<div>Would you like to explain or are you just interested in opposing me?</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : Would you like to explain or are you just interested in opposing me?
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
I'm not opposing you, I'm pointing out the fact that you're giving bad advice. If bride/groom gets pissy that someone doesn't give them a gift at a wedding, then that's a poor reflection on them, not the guest.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
[QUOTE]I didn't say anything about the couple getting pissy. <strong>I said that it would make her look bad</strong>. When it is common practice to give a gift (in any situation, not just weddings) and you don't, it's a reflection of your thoughtlessness. I wasn't saying she should cut her dear Aunt Marge from her own guest list so she can buy them the espresso machine off their registry, but there are plenty of ways to work with the situation, including handmade gifts and services, as other posters have mentioned. I was wrong in saying pre-wedding parties though. I meant more specifically showers, where the point of the party is gift giving.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
But, look bad to whom? Presumably, the only people who would know that she didn't give a gift would be the bride and groom. If they thought anything less of their friend/family member because they didn't give a gift, then that's on them.
We had 80 people at our wedding. Maybe 20 people gave us gifts. We were grateful for the gifts that we did get, but never thought anything less of those that didn't give us a gift. We were just happy that they chose to come and celebrate our marriage.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
I don't think someone looks "bad" not giving a wedding present. Someone looks "bad" showing up to the wedding 8 months pregnant with a half empty bottle of bourbon in one hand and a lit Newport in the other.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
And etiquette is all about social norms, just like we offer our seats the elderly or hold doors for others.
[QUOTE]I feel like my idea is not getting across clearly. Of course you give a gift because you want to, not because you have to. You should want to give a gift to thank your host for inviting you. And etiquette is all about social norms, just like we offer our seats the elderly or hold doors for others.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
But, in OP's case, she already spent $100 on the couple to celebrate their marriage. I fail to see how they would look bad for not getting the couple anything else. Would it have been more acceptable for OP to have given a $50 gift at the shower and then another $50 gift at the wedding?
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : But, in OP's case, she already spent $100 on the couple to celebrate their marriage. I fail to see how they would look bad for not getting the couple anything else. Would it have been more acceptable for OP to have given a $50 gift at the shower and then another $50 gift at the wedding?
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>I think so. The shower is for the bride. The wedding is for the couple.</div>
OP: you did already spend money on the shower, so I don't think it is required you get a gift. But I do suggest a card at least, since many brides have come on here complaining "so and so didn't get me a gift, and not even a card!!!". However I will say that i usually spend less at a shower and more on the wedding. So next time, maybe give a smaller shower gift so that you can also give a wedding gift. I think $100 on the shower is very generous (I usually do about $50 for the shower, then $100 or more at the wedding, but that is just me).
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : I think so. The shower is for the bride. The wedding is for the couple.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
The tradition of the shower may have started as a party for the bride, however I cannot think of one present that we got at our bridal shower that my husband hasn't used. Unless OP got the bride a $100 vibrator, I would venture to say that the shower present will be enjoyed by both the bride and groom.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : The tradition of the shower may have started as a party for the bride, however I cannot think of one present that we got at our bridal shower that my husband hasn't used. Unless OP got the bride a $100 vibrator, I would venture to say that the shower present will be enjoyed by both the bride and groom.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
<div>That may be correct, but we're talking about etiquette. If she can't afford to be spending so much money, and is concerned about gifting, she should have figured something else out for the shower and spent the money on the wedding. I feel like her problem is just a lack of foresight.</div>
i know would have/should have/could have's don't help much, but for future reference I would have budgeted for both the shower and the wedding ($50 for each). although the total would have still been $100, i would feel more comfortable bringing a gift to each event.
[QUOTE]I feel like my idea is not getting across clearly. Of course you give a gift because you want to, not because you have to. You should want to give a gift to thank your host for inviting you. <strong>And etiquette is all about social norms,</strong> just like we offer our seats the elderly or hold doors for others.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
I feel it's the other way around. Social norms are based on etiquette.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
OP, if you've given what you can, then I'd say that your presence is perfectly fine. I personally would at least bring a card, but that's because I'd feel strange showing up completely empty handed.
Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
[QUOTE]I feel like a gift at the wedding is somewhat expected , however it is never required . It doesn't have to be big or expensive. Sometimes the most wonderful presents are the ones that are the most thoughtful. One of my friends painted wine bottles for me with beautiful flowers (orchids, that she knows I love!) and I loved them. I doubt it cost much since she is an artist and had the supplies, but I cherish them because they are so beautiful and thoughtful. OP: you did already spend money on the shower, so I don't think it is required you get a gift. But I do suggest a card at least, since many brides have come on here complaining "so and so didn't get me a gift, and not even a card!!!". However I will say that i usually spend less at a shower and more on the wedding. So next time, maybe give a smaller shower gift so that you can also give a wedding gift. I think $100 on the shower is very generous (I usually do about $50 for the shower, then $100 or more at the wedding, but that is just me).
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]
These are my thoughts.
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
If someone had to choose between coming to my wedding empty handed, or not coming at all because they were afraid of being shunned because they couldn't afford a gift, I'd much prefer for them to come empty handed.
But perhaps that's just me.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
I think this has more to do with your area and your traditions. I know that my howetown is one of few areas where the actual wrapped gifts are mostly given at the shower, and the wedding gifts are mainly monetary. To me I would be mortified if I didn't give some type of a gift to someone at both shower and wedding.
[QUOTE]I do feel like there was some poor planning on the OP's part, but I agree with Tide. If someone had to choose between coming to my wedding empty handed, or not coming at all because they were afraid of being shunned because they couldn't afford a gift, I'd much prefer for them to come empty handed. But perhaps that's just me.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
I agree with this, but I don't think it is necessary to show up completely empty handed. A card with a thoughtful note would be appropriate. You did give them something, which shows that you were already generous. A card would allow you to show further sentiment without breaking the bank.
I think that regional norms might be a reason for some of the disagreements on this post. Where I am from, it would be considered very strange not to acknowledge the wedding day with something (a card would do).
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
If the shower gift was a nightie and lotions then you should probably pick up something else that is for both of them (in a conventional way of speaking). If your gift was off the registry and could have been construed as a wedding gift, I don't think you need to buy anything more. A card would be nice.
Now with more wedded bliss.
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