I dont feel like searching through the posts

GinaRose4

I've already send a bit of time looking through the posts for an answer....
So my mother and i have been arguing about gifts and money. We already gave over $100 worth of gifts at the bridal shower and now the wedding is almost here and she says we need to give money at the wedding...I say we don't but I'm probably wrong. So is she right?
 I just can't afford to give any more money because FI and I are having a wedding our our own.

lizarellie

Your post isn't exactly clear. You're talking about someone else's wedding, correct?

If you can't afford a gift, then don't give a gift. It's rude, and you'll look like a jackass, but it's not like you're going to get arrested. Just don't get bent out of shape when people do the same thing at your wedding.

And if you knew you needed to save money, then you shouldn't have committed to pre-wedding parties where it's common knowledge that you give a gift.

tldh

Is a $30 gift off the registry really going to break you?

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:ca59739c-0b1f-419b-982d-005979289d99">I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]I've already send a bit of time looking through the posts for an answer.... So my mother and i have been arguing about gifts and money. We already gave over $100 worth of gifts at the bridal shower and now the wedding is almost here and she says we need to give money at the wedding...I say we don't but I'm probably wrong. So is she right?  I just can't afford to give any more money because FI and I are having a wedding our our own.
Posted by GinaRose4[/QUOTE]
A gift is a GIFT.  That means it's optional, and you spend what you can afford.  Bride and groom shouldn't expect anything from their guests.  Technically, guests have up to a year to send a gift, if they so choose.  If you want to and can afford a gift later, then send it later.

Weddings are about your presence, not your presents, people.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:dcb0cb6c-b753-4f99-a49d-d165d69d6711">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Your post isn't exactly clear. You're talking about someone else's wedding, correct? If you can't afford a gift, then don't give a gift. It's rude, and you'll look like a jackass, but it's not like you're going to get arrested. Just don't get bent out of shape when people do the same thing at your wedding. And if you knew you needed to save money, then you shouldn't have committed to pre-wedding parties where it's common knowledge that you give a gift.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
Um, no.  To the whole post.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:50bd192f-c698-4603-9ac4-59b048e5fd9b">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I dont feel like searching through the posts : A gift is a GIFT.  That means it's optional, and you spend what you can afford.  Bride and groom shouldn't expect anything from their guests.  Technically, guests have up to a year to send a gift, if they so choose.  If you want to and can afford a gift later, then send it later. <strong>Weddings are about your presence, not your presents, people.</strong>
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

I agree. Wedding's and pre-wedding parties are not meant to bankrupt the guests. You give what you can give. Gifts should never be expected, only appreciated.

lizarellie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:ec44ca5e-27fa-45b1-9f72-1fb25ae97bbd">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : Um, no.  To the whole post.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<div>Would you like to explain or are you just interested in opposing me?</div>

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:75685831-c556-47bb-949c-a7c50f22cc17">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : Would you like to explain or are you just interested in opposing me?
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
I'm not opposing you, I'm pointing out the fact that you're giving bad advice.  If bride/groom gets pissy that someone doesn't give them a gift at a wedding, then that's a poor reflection on them, not the guest.

lizarellie

I didn't say anything about the couple getting pissy. I said that it would make her look bad. When it is common practice to give a gift (in any situation, not just weddings) and you don't, it's a reflection of your thoughtlessness. I wasn't saying she should cut her dear Aunt Marge from her own guest list so she can buy them the espresso machine off their registry, but there are plenty of ways to work with the situation, including handmade gifts and services, as other posters have mentioned.

I was wrong in saying pre-wedding parties though. I meant more specifically showers, where the point of the party is gift giving.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:ce21ca3b-89fa-4857-af90-406c7a397790">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't say anything about the couple getting pissy. <strong>I said that it would make her look bad</strong>. When it is common practice to give a gift (in any situation, not just weddings) and you don't, it's a reflection of your thoughtlessness. I wasn't saying she should cut her dear Aunt Marge from her own guest list so she can buy them the espresso machine off their registry, but there are plenty of ways to work with the situation, including handmade gifts and services, as other posters have mentioned. I was wrong in saying pre-wedding parties though. I meant more specifically showers, where the point of the party is gift giving.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
But, look bad to whom?  Presumably, the only people who would know that she didn't give a gift would be the bride and groom.  If they thought anything less of their friend/family member because they didn't give a gift, then that's on them. 

We had 80 people at our wedding.  Maybe 20 people gave us gifts.  We were grateful for the gifts that we did get, but never thought anything less of those that didn't give us a gift.  We were just happy that they chose to come and celebrate our marriage. 

lizarellie

You're a very gracious host, but we're talking about common etiquette here. I'm not saying that I'm going to write snarky thank you notes to my guests who don't bring me gifts, either. She obviously has spoken with other people (at least her mother) about how she's already spent so much money on them that she feels she doesn't need to bring them another gift. And just because it is also poor etiquette to be offended when someone doesn't give you a gift does not mean it's no longer in poor taste to not give one.

zippityb

I don't think someone looks "bad" not giving a wedding present. Someone looks "bad" showing up to the wedding 8 months pregnant with a half empty bottle of bourbon in one hand and a lit Newport in the other.

tidetravel

I think you're confusing social norms and etiquette.  A wedding invitation is not a summons to appear, nor is it a request for gifts.  Gifts are just that; gifts.  You give them if you WANT to, not because you have to.  You're invited to a wedding to witness the marriage of your loved ones.  The reception thrown by the bride and groom is a thank you to your guests.  It is not tit-for-tat, and people are certainly not required to give a gift just because you sprung for filet and lobster.

lizarellie

I feel like my idea is not getting across clearly. Of course you give a gift because you want to, not because you have to. You should want to give a gift to thank your host for inviting you.

And etiquette is all about social norms, just like we offer our seats the elderly or hold doors for others.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:c0366be5-74a8-402d-be5c-90bb3754e789">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like my idea is not getting across clearly. Of course you give a gift because you want to, not because you have to. You should want to give a gift to thank your host for inviting you. And etiquette is all about social norms, just like we offer our seats the elderly or hold doors for others.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
But, in OP's case, she already spent $100 on the couple to celebrate their marriage.  I fail to see how they would look bad for not getting the couple anything else.  Would it have been more acceptable for OP to have given a $50 gift at the shower and then another $50 gift at the wedding?

lizarellie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:10d006f7-abfd-476c-9fed-22de8272349a">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : But, in OP's case, she already spent $100 on the couple to celebrate their marriage.  I fail to see how they would look bad for not getting the couple anything else.  Would it have been more acceptable for OP to have given a $50 gift at the shower and then another $50 gift at the wedding?
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>I think so. The shower is for the bride. The wedding is for the couple.</div>

noodle_oo

I feel like a gift at the wedding is somewhat expected, however it is never required.  It doesn't have to be big or expensive.  Sometimes the most wonderful presents are the ones that are the most thoughtful.  One of my friends painted wine bottles for me with beautiful flowers (orchids, that she knows I love!) and I loved them.  I doubt it cost much since she is an artist and had the supplies, but I cherish them because they are so beautiful and thoughtful.

OP:  you did already spend money on the shower, so I don't think it is required you get a gift.  But I do suggest a card at least, since many brides have come on here complaining "so and so didn't get me a gift, and not even a card!!!".  However I will say that i usually spend less at a shower and more on the wedding.  So next time, maybe give a smaller shower gift so that you can also give a wedding gift.  I think $100 on the shower is very generous (I usually do about $50 for the shower, then $100 or more at the wedding, but that is just me).

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:f1891fa1-11d8-4833-a590-584dbf8fa74f">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : I think so. The shower is for the bride. The wedding is for the couple.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]
The tradition of the shower may have started as a party for the bride, however I cannot think of one present that we got at our bridal shower that my husband hasn't used.  Unless OP got the bride a $100 vibrator, I would venture to say that the shower present will be enjoyed by both the bride and groom.

lizarellie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:83e31c31-4310-449d-b42f-ed015944893f">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts : The tradition of the shower may have started as a party for the bride, however I cannot think of one present that we got at our bridal shower that my husband hasn't used.  Unless OP got the bride a $100 vibrator, I would venture to say that the shower present will be enjoyed by both the bride and groom.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<div>That may be correct, but we're talking about etiquette. If she can't afford to be spending so much money, and is concerned about gifting, she should have figured something else out for the shower and spent the money on the wedding. I feel like her problem is just a lack of foresight.</div>

mrabbito

i would still try to bring a gift.  i love the homemade, creative ideas as well, assuming you're a crafty person.  I am horribly untalented with anything craft-like, so i just go with cash.  I think it's frowned upon to show up to a wedding empty handed, even if you did give a shower gift.  You have admitted you may be wrong, and i think you should trust that instinct on this one.  Find something, make something, or find a little more $$ from somewhere to give as a gift.

i know would have/should have/could have's don't help much, but for future reference I would have budgeted for both the shower and the wedding ($50 for each).  although the total would have still been $100, i would feel more comfortable bringing a gift to each event.

kimp67

Just my two cents, I wouldn't go to a wedding without bringing a gift.  When I get invited to a shower I usually decide before I give the shower gift how much in total I'm going to spend for the shower & wedding.

sister2groom

I think the idea of a bride and groom thinking that guest didn't get them a gift when she already got them something for the shower is a bit silly. Sort of like getting upset someone didn't bring a gift to your birthday party because they gave one to you earlier. Granted a lot of people are a bit silly when it comes to weddings, but hopefully they're reasonable.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:c0366be5-74a8-402d-be5c-90bb3754e789">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like my idea is not getting across clearly. Of course you give a gift because you want to, not because you have to. You should want to give a gift to thank your host for inviting you. <strong>And etiquette is all about social norms,</strong> just like we offer our seats the elderly or hold doors for others.
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]

I feel it's the other way around.  Social norms are based on etiquette.

brookelynpaisley

I'm completely with Tide on this one. Gifts are often given at weddings, but they aren't required. There were a few people at my wedding who gave me really nice pricey gifts off my registry at my shower, and then just a card at the wedding. I don't think less of them. They gave what they could afford over-all and it was clearly important to them to "shower" me with gifts at my shower. That's fine.

OP, if you've given what you can, then I'd say that your presence is perfectly fine. I personally would at least bring a card, but that's because I'd feel strange showing up completely empty handed.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:d2aaf1ca-b1c4-4810-83e5-34ea7342c3d3">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like a gift at the wedding is somewhat expected , however it is never required .  It doesn't have to be big or expensive.  Sometimes the most wonderful presents are the ones that are the most thoughtful.  One of my friends painted wine bottles for me with beautiful flowers (orchids, that she knows I love!) and I loved them.  I doubt it cost much since she is an artist and had the supplies, but I cherish them because they are so beautiful and thoughtful. OP:  you did already spend money on the shower, so I don't think it is required you get a gift.  But I do suggest a card at least, since many brides have come on here complaining "so and so didn't get me a gift, and not even a card!!!".  However I will say that i usually spend less at a shower and more on the wedding.  So next time, maybe give a smaller shower gift so that you can also give a wedding gift.  I think $100 on the shower is very generous (I usually do about $50 for the shower, then $100 or more at the wedding, but that is just me).
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

These are my thoughts.

Goldlie11

I have mixed feelings.  I wouldn't show up to a wedding without a gift.  However, I know many people feel that if they give a gift at the shower, that's it.  I agree with others that I would still try and get something or give a small amount of money in a card.  That's just me.  

I personally do think that people showing up and eating and drinking your food without bothering to acknowledge the marriage with a gift (whether the gift was given at the shower or the wedding) is rude.  I would never do that.  I'm definitely not having a wedding to get gifts, but I do think that it's rude of guests to just show up.  Of course there is time after the wedding to send a gift.  

Ok, I'm pretty sure I'm rambling now.

J&K10910

I do feel like there was some poor planning on the OP's part, but I agree with Tide.

If someone had to choose between coming to my wedding empty handed, or not coming at all because they were afraid of being shunned because they couldn't afford a gift, I'd much prefer for them to come empty handed. 

But perhaps that's just me.

Beachy730

I would never show up to a wedding or shower without a gift.  If I'm invited to the shower then its for a close friend or family member.  If I couldn't afford a gift, I probably would decline the invite.  But then I would probably end up sending a gift anyways.  And I personally would never go to a wedding without a gift.  We have several weddings next year that we won't be able to travel for, but we'll still send a gift.  When I'm invited to a wedding and shower I know its going to cost me at least $200, since I generally do $50 for a shower and $150 for a wedding gift, more if its someone we're very close with.

I think this has more to do with your area and your traditions.  I know that my howetown is one of few areas where the actual wrapped gifts are mostly given at the shower, and the wedding gifts are mainly monetary.  To me I would be mortified if I didn't give some type of a gift to someone at both shower and wedding.

LuckyBrideToBe0013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-feel-like-searching-through-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78047651-3331-4362-a533-5f261620da52Post:f7b6041e-c0fc-416b-983b-bd7b3888183c">Re: I dont feel like searching through the posts</a>:
[QUOTE]I do feel like there was some poor planning on the OP's part, but I agree with Tide. If someone had to choose between coming to my wedding empty handed, or not coming at all because they were afraid of being shunned because they couldn't afford a gift, I'd much prefer for them to come empty handed.  But perhaps that's just me.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, but I don't think it is necessary to show up completely empty handed. A card with a thoughtful note would be appropriate. You did give them something, which shows that you were already generous. A card would allow you to show further sentiment without breaking the bank.

I think that regional norms might be a reason for some of the disagreements on this post. Where I am from, it would be considered very strange not to acknowledge the wedding day with something (a card would do).

squirrly

A gift is a gift.  It doesn't matter when you give it - at the shower or at the wedding.  As for not taking a gift to the wedding, it's considered quite rude to actually take anything to the wedding that the B&G have to address that night.  It's much easier to ship the gift or drop it off early so that they don't have to worry about gift transportation and safety the night of the wedding.  I don't see how giving your gift at the shower is any different.

smokeybailey

I went to a friend's shower with a shower gift and her wedding gift (off the registry).  She was having a DW so I wasn't going to haul the gift to Mexico to give her.  As soon as she started opening gifts, I realized that she was opening shower and wedding gifts.  I grabbed the weddign gift from the bedroom and gave it to her there.  I probably spent around $100-150 all told as well.  I did not bring something else to the wedding.  I realize this may be different in that this was a DW and many people at the shower couldn't make it to the wedding.  However, she knew that the gifts that were made out to her and her DH were wedding gifts.

If the shower gift was a nightie and lotions then you should probably pick up something else that is for both of them (in a conventional way of speaking).  If your gift was off the registry and could have been construed as a wedding gift, I don't think you need to buy anything more.  A card would be nice.